games / Columns

The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Burly Etiquette – Video Games

May 1, 2017 | Posted by Caliber Winfield

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Greetings, all.

This week I thought we’d venture into the Video Game wing of the Hall of Burly, so that your pal Cal can teach you cats the proper way to conduct yourselves when playing a few rounds with your friends.

Honestly, I was thinking of changing the article series from The Man Movie Encyclopedia to The Hall of Burly, and having each issue be done in the same humor that I do, but cover everything. Like movies, TV shows, video games, and whatever inane subject I feel like writing about in speaking the virtues of burliness. So, my question is, do you guys like that idea, or do you want me to stick tot he movies? Lemme know.

Also, look out for the 3rd of May, that’s when the next issue of The Super Terrific Wrestling Hour comes out, in which I talk about my memories of the Attitude Era.

Alright, buckshots, let’s get it.

There are few things more important in the world of Man than video games. For one, without video games, how would you know where you stand amongst fellow man? Kids? A family? Financial security? That’s all trivial bullshit. Things that at the end of the day don’t mean anything. But beating your friend with a perfect in Street Fighter II Turbo Championship Edition? Or the Flawless Victory in Mortal Kombat? These are things that matter. Things that define a person, and hold up through-out history.

Now, as with everything in life, there’s the right way to do things, and the wrong way to do things. Here, under the guide of the Man Etiquette articles, I’m going to teach you the proper way to conduct yourself in life.

The Fighting Game:

The fighting game is the zenith of 2 player video games . The sole purpose for their existence is because woman complained that fighting to the death while rich people watched like in Best of the Best2 or Lionheart was barbaric. Now, like hell we’re gonna care about what a woman thinks, but they have a weapon that not only never runs out of ammo, but becomes more abundant the older they get: bitching.

So, in order to shut women the hell up, fighting games were created to give us an outlet for our rage.* As of today, there have been countless titles; Eternal Champions, Primal Rage, Killer Instinct, Virtua Fighter, Kasumi Ninja, Tekken, and the list goes on. However, at the end of the day there are only two that truly matter; Mortal Kombat & Street Fighter. Games so burly that the arcade machines needed to be shaved.

* We’re always angry. But the outlet makes it so I don’t head-butt some woman’s child because she’s throwing a fit at the check-out line over the fact an item was a dollar more than advertised.
The Improper Action:

Mortal Kombat:
When playing Mortal Kombat, you have a wide array of moves you can execute. Everything from standard martial arts, to things like fireballs, freezeballs, and spearballs. However, there’s one move that some cheap motherfuckers like to use over and over, and it’s called the sweep. They get a person in a corner and keep hitting back & low-kick which causes them to sweep their opponent over and over, giving the person no chance to bounce back. Often times this will make the person receiving the sweep so mad that the nearest woman becomes pregnant. When she gives birth, all that comes out is a loud “FUCK!”.

Street Fighter:
Some say Street Fighter is more the purest game. That it’s based more on skill than a game like Mortal Kombat. Well, I’ll leave such important discussions for another day.

Your average Street Fighter game will give you the selection of about 300 different fighters. All are well and good, except for one; Akuma. Akuma was the hidden boss in earlier versions of Street Fighter II, and Akuma is the fucking MAN. He’s the kind of guy who can download porn without a computer. The type of dude if you met in a dream you’d put it on your resume. He’s faster, stronger, and equipped with a shit-ton more special moves than everyone else. Why Capcom made him a playable character is beyond me, because you’ll have guys that choose him and use the excuse “Well, he’s playable, so it’s fair”. The fuck if it is! Be a man, select M. Bison, and learn to play the game. But cheap motherfuckers will select Akuma and make light work out of you, then think it’s wrong of you to head-butt them so hard you’re arrested for attempted vehicular manslaughter.

The Proper Re-Action:

There are plenty of things we as men do to exact revenge against someone for being a bitch. However, in the instance of acting like a woman while playing video games, there’s only one proper response;

The Uppercut to The Dick.

As seen here, in figure 1, it’s no normal punch to the dick. First off, because you’re a man, your hands should always be taped up. Not only will it help you avoid injury when you’re uppercutting a guy or girl in the babymaker, but it also makes you look super-rad when you’re making nachos, or whatever.

When said person has participated in a major dick move, the only response is to move his dick up into his brain. We’re talking like a Ryu forward+down+forward+HP kind of Dragon Uppercut here. Hell, look at that drawing. The dude punched that guy so hard his groin is shattering, and that doesn’t even make sense.

Victory:

Few things are greater in the world of Man than when one crushes the other at something. Guys are in constant competition with each other because we’re smart. We know that winning is the key to life, and that the most important thing to win at is video games. However, there are a few out there that don’t know the proper way to act once they have crushed & vanquished said friend. The following illustration showcases the wrong way:

Incorrect Way To Celebrate:

The handshake. WRONG. Now, despite the fact one of them is wearing fingerless gloves, this guy is displaying terrible man etiquette. He’s showing sportsmanship, responsibility, and kindness. In other words; crap. Let’s take a look at the proper way to deal with a victory:

Correct Way To Celebrate:

SCREAMING. Notice the furrowed brow? The open mouth with spit coming out of it? These are indicators that a man has scored a victory over the other and is celebrating. Reminding the other man that he is worthless, and pathetic. It’s preferred that you insinuate that due to his loss, he prefers the flesh of men. Now, you need to back up your verbal dressing-down by pointing as well, so he knows FOR SURE that he is the ridiculous penis smuggler, and doesn’t get confused, thinking you’re talking about someone else. His head should be fully hung in shame, otherwise you haven’t celebrated well enough.

So ends today’s lesson. Worry not when you notice your knuckles and/or teeth getting harrier, it only means you’ve upped your man etiquette. Congratulations.

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
Twitter: @CaliberWinfield
Instagram: @CaliberWinfield
I post almost daily with workout related stuff to help you cats out, along with what’s coming down the pike via the MME, and general pop culture from the 80s and 90s that I can’t seem to let go of.
Email:[email protected]
If you just can’t wait until next week, you can also find me at these fine places:
The Man Movie Encyclopedia: The Hall of Burly – Vol. 1 – A collection of the first 19 MME articles written for 411. You get all the classics like Commando, Robocop, and Die Hard, not to mention bad-assery such as Point Break and They Live. Beyond that, you also get two new articles. My Top 5 favorite action movies, and what I believe to be the Top 5 most over-the-top scenes in action movie history. I won’t lie, it’s the greatest self=help/martial arts instruction book of all time.

My Summer Vacation At Camp Crystal Lake – My brand new ebook that’s become so popular it’s charting on the album sales charts. I cover the Friday The 13th franchise in Man Movie Encyclopedia fashion, followed up by a few list-based articles, chronicling my favorite kills, moments from the franchise, and a few other subjects. $3 via amazon, or simply email me and get it for $2, either way, it’ll probably change your life.

Caliber Winfield On The Facebook –
Anything new that I do you guys can find here. Last I checked I was at 54 likes, which is pretty fucking solid in my book. However, I saw Joe Lee and A Bloody Good Time were over 110. C’mon now, we can’t let them beat us, can we?!
Mercy Is For The Weak Podcast –
Along with my co-host, we cover everything from movies, music, TV, video games and pop-culture, to pro-wrestling, and all things burly. We’re on hiatus at the moment, but there’s a decent catalog to go through.
All Things Caliber –
I merged my wrestling website into my long standing website that’s been up for over 6 years. Anything under the sun, I’ve written about it.

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