A Bloody Good Time 02.09.12: The 30 Most Annoying Horror Characters, Part 1 (#30-21)
Opening Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)
Welcome to A Bloody Good Time.
Last week, well last week I was in bed ill. But the week before that we had an edition where I ranked all twelve Friday the 13th movies. Before we get to part one of a big countdown, let’s see your feedback.
Jeff Bayard said: And why the fuck does Jason X and Jason Goes To Hell rank higher than Manhattan? At least Manhattan had that hot chick guitarist JJ Jarrett(senseless trivia moment, she went on to be the voice of Gohan in DBZ). And the reboot should really be higher on this list.
Jason X and Jason Goes to Hell rank higher than Manhattan because there is more entertainment value. Also, the guitarist chick isn’t even in the top ten of the hottest F13 ladies. X has the campy dumb value and Goes to Hell at least has Creighton Duke. Manhattan has a dude getting his head punched off and…nothing.
Lethargic replied: I was going to argue some of these choices but the fact that you put that moronic remake which was a complete insult to every Friday the 13th fan in the world shows that there’s no point to even debating any of this. If you like that movie, you’re not a fan of Friday the 13th and your opinion on the movies is made meaningless. Putting Freddy vs Jason above the original movie is just icing on the cake. You should be banned from the internet for this list.
And I’m still here! I explained why I like the reboot, you just insulted me and used sweeping statements. You explain to me why the remake is worse than Goes to Hell or Takes Manhattan and I might take you seriously.
Guest#8179 asked: Hasn’t the “Top Friday the 13th Films” article been done like a million times on this site?
Probably, but not by me. And here I thought you were coming here for my witty banter.
cdunc83 asks: Part 6 is my favorite as well. 4 and 7 follow in my personal rankings. Just fun movies! I read that Jason’s sack in part 2 was inspired by a movie called the Town that Dreaded Sundown. That movie any good or worth tracking down?
I really can’t tell you. It’s hard to find a copy in my local pawn shops/video stores. I suppose I could order it online, but I’m not all that interested in doing so.
Guest complained: I’ve felt Part 6 is a bit overrated. They were trying to be meta and silly, but horror movies are never quite as clever as they think they are when they do this (Scream, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare). B-movies are considerably more enjoyable when the don’t try to be self-aware. I’d probably give #1 to Part 3. Part 7 is fun, but suffered by being a bit too “clean”.
Oh, they only got inside with their references a couple of times, and I think it works when they do. (“Some folks got a strange idea of entertainment). The rest of the time it was just straight up fun. Jason has some of his best kills, there’s some great comedy spots that don’t rely on meta-humor and the charactesr are likable. The best part about the humor is that it never made fun of Jason, and that’s the important thing.
Person responded: I never understood all the hate for Jason Takes Manhattan. It is, of course, no masterpiece, but to me it’s a campy good time, and was definitely -not- the worst Jason movie ever.
Of course not, it’s the second-worst. A New Beginning is the worst in the franchise.
Phenom said: WAIT, how the hell can you put part 6 Jason Lives over the BEST part…Part 4 The Final Chapter??? I just don’t get it…6 was good but 4 was superior, and honestly the original shouldn’t be on this list, as JASON IS NOT the killer.
But I’m not ranking movies with Jason in them, I’m ranking the Friday the 13th franchise. And technically Jason was in the original.
If I sit here answering all the feedback I got I’ll be here all day. As it turns out, Jason Voorhees is very popular! I’m hoping it’s actually just the idea of ranking the films. This feature will definitely return, as we have plenty of horror franchises to explore. I’ll probably stop once I’m trying to decide which Children of the Corn is worse than the others.
This week we’re going to start a three-part countdown of the most annoying horror movie characters. Notice I don’t say worst, because some of the entries on this list are meant to be annoying. Yes, some of them bring the film down. Some back a bad film worse. But some are supposed to be annoying as part of their job, so they get recognition for a job well done. Just a little warning so you don’t see so-and-so on here and complain because “that was the point, man!” Trust me, I know.
With Valentine’s Day next week, let’s counter all the..ugh…love…with some hate.
#30: Bella Swan from the Twilight films
The only reason why Bella isn’t higher on this list (and she’d probably be #1) is that the Twilight films aren’t really horror films. The reason I included her at all is because I know there would be some of you who would wonder where she is. But Twilight is about as much of a horror series as Ghostbusters. Actually, I find Ghostbusters better at horror than Twilight. At least Vigo the Carpathian scared me as a kid. I mean, he sat on a throne of blood. But this isn’t a rant about Twilight and the fact it butchers legendary horror monsters, but the fact that Bella Swan is the most evil movie character ever.
Yes. She’s more evil than Freddy Krueger. She’s more evil than Pinhead. Why? Those guys just kill you. She doesn’t give her victims the mercy of sweet death. She toys with people’s emotions, she uses people care about her as playthings and just oh so desperately wants to be loved by constantly constipated Edward Cullen. Because remember kids, teen love is the most important and final love you’ll ever have. High school is serious business. I think one of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes of the last decade is when we show three months of Bella crying because Edward left her. She sat in a chair and cried for three months straight. You’d think someone killed her father. Oh wait, she doesn’t actually care about him, even though he does all he can to make her happy. I’m telling you guys, she’s evil incarnate.
#29: Toshio from The Grudge series
The very first time you meet Toshio, you’re probably thinking he’s a weird little Asian kid. When you meet ghost Toshio and he does the cat howl, it’s probably a little creepy for about a minute. Then you realize that this is all he does. He’s not threatening. He has never actually harmed anyone in the entire Grudge franchise. All he does is sit there and make cat noises at you. That’s fine, I guess. He could be the precursor to Kayako showing up and ripping your jaw off. But he just does it so often it’s really irritating.
That’s all I can really say about him. He’s as annoying as he is useless. If the Ju-On films scared you at all, it certainly wasn’t because of a kid who howled like a feline. The woman crawling down the stairs, making guttural throat noises and twisting her body like a contortionist? That’s eerie. This kid? Just start barking at him. Maybe he’ll run away.
#28: Baby Oopsie-Daisy from Demonic Toys
You know what makes the Puppet Master dolls effective? Not scary, really, but likable and characters that, if you’re a fan, you want to see more of? They don’t talk. They use body language to express everything they have to say. Even if they did talk, you’re not going to say anything because they can mess you up. The same thing applies to the demonic toys. You’re not going to tell Jack-Attack he’s irritating you (even if he does), because he’ll bite your face off. What is Baby Oopsie-Daisy going to do? Probably call you a word that rhymes with plucker.
I never really understood what this baby doll’s point was. He’s not the leader, that’s the demon that brought him to life. He doesn’t pose a threat to anyone because he has no abilities. He’s barely mobile and he cusses a lot. That’s really all he does and that makes me more of a nuisance than anything. Maybe he’d work better in the films if he were funny, but he’s not. He just makes a dumb Full Moon movie dumber by being there.
#27: Dennis from Cabin Fever
You know, I don’t listen to Eli Roth commentaries because I find him kind of full of himself (even on movies he produced, like The Last Exorcism), but I really would like to listen to what he has to say about Dennis one day. What exactly was going through Roth’s head when he put a kid who loves pancakes and knows kung-fu in his little flesh-eating virus movie? I get the rabbit with no real purpose towards the end. That’s an homage to The Shining, even if it makes no sense. But why is this kid here?
There’s a lot wrong with Cabin Fever and while there is some parts that work (the gore), it mostly fails as a horror film. But this is the most baffling scene to me. I can’t understand why Roth or anyone else thought this would work in any context. The kid’s got something wrong with him, sure, we got that. But…why? Why is he doing Guile’s flash kick on his way to biting some poor guy. Why does he love pancakes so much? Here’s the clip, although it’s been edited to include some death metal. For some reason, that doesn’t make it weirder.
#26: Deputies Nick & Tom in Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
There are a few characters who get their own leitmotif in the Halloween films. There’s Michael Myers, of course, The Silver Shamrock company and even Laurie has her own theme. But two characters that didn’t need one, didn’t deserve one and inexplicably got one were the comedic relief duo of Nick and Tom, two bumbling cops in Halloween 5. For some reason it was decided that these two would their own slide-whistle and horn music to play each time they arrive on the scene or leave.
That’s bad enough, as it completely destroys whatever mood this film is going for. These guys are so bad at what they do that they get someone killed. They tell bad jokes and they ruin every single moment they are in the movie. Halloween 5 isn’t the strongest film in the series so it needs every good moment it can get. The worst part is that they almost make it to the end, and when they are killed its off screen. Because audiences would have hated to see these two go.
#25: Ozzie in Leprechaun
I know that Ozzie supposed to be slow. I’m not including him here for that reason. I’m including him because the guy who played him decided that being slow meant he had to be obnoxious for every single moment he is on the screen. I can’t be the only one that cheers when the Leprechaun gets his ear. Personally, I was praying for the tongue. Then he wouldn’t talk anymore and be 100% more likable.
This movie features a really annoying kid too, but somehow he seems normal when paired with this oaf. I know Leprechaun isn’t something to take seriously anyway, but at least I was having a good laugh at Warwick Davis. I’d rather be entertained than frustrated that the dumb guy is getting to live when he’s causing so much trouble.
#24: Lionel’s mother in Dead Alive
I know that Lionel’s mom is supposed to be annoying, irritating and just an awful person to be around. That’s what makes happen later all the more satisfying. But before she turns into a zombie (and even some time after), she’s just unbearable to watch at times. All you want is to watch some gory zombie bloodbath and here she is being gross and obnoxious. Even she’s a zombie she makes the movie somehow hard to watch. But it’s all building to something, the glorious end when Lionel becomes a man and kills his behemoth monster mother.
It’s just that getting to that end, for the first part of the film, is almost a chore. Maybe it’s because Lionel is instantly likable. In fact, I’m guessing that’s it. But it doesn’t change the fact that his mother couldn’t die and turn into the undead fast enough. All I ask for zombie carnage, not some rude old lady.
#23: Roman Bridger in Scream 3
Ah, the absolute worst killer in the Scream franchise. I don’t want to hear a word about Scream 4. The twist in that made far more sense than “oh I’m your brother now, here’s a nice soap opera twist.” But that’s a flaw in the plot, not a flaw with this character. When Roman unmasks as the killer, he’s somehow even more pathetic than he was in the rest of the film. He doesn’t seem like a threatening killer. He comes across like a spoiled little brat who got caught doing something bad.
Before we even get that far, he spends every moment he’s on screen whining. His statue is broken, his movie is falling apart, yadda yadda yadda. His motive doesn’t even make much sense as far as his killing goes. If he wanted to get at Sidney, why didn’t he just work harder to find her? Kill a friend of hers first thing. Kill her dad. That will bring her out of hiding before killing random actors that never did anything to you. But then we’re not asking from sanity from a psychopath. Roman doesn’t work in Scream 3 because he’s a loser. Okay sure, Stu was a loser too, but he was banging Rose McGowan. Enjoy Sidney putting him in his place.
#22: Nancy Holbrook in A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 version)
I’d like to remind everyone here that Rooney Mara is nominated for the Academy Award. Yes, she was good in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but she was very, very bad here. That’s why this character is so annoying. Nancy in the Nightmare remake is absolutely worthless. She’s not really the heroine, she doesn’t contribute anything to the plot. She’s just there to be the person that eventually takes Freddy down. Mostly because she had to be because her name was Nancy.
Mara’s performance is something I’ve complained about before, but it brings what was an okay (not good, not bad) remake down. Jackie Earle Haley was making a convincing effort at getting you to be scared of Freddy. He was at least trying, and clearly putting his all into the role. If you’re going to remake something, that’s all I ask. I know that Mara didn’t want to be in the film, but would it have killed her to emote a little? At least once watch the original film and consider that there are fans of the Nancy Thompson character? Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t alienate people who could pay to see your future movies?
#21: Craig Toomey in The Langoliers
Someone thought casting Bronson Pinchot as the villain in a Stephen King story was a good idea. Yes. Balki is the bad guy. He’s not even that good of a bad guy. He’s everything a villain should not be. He’s over-the-top, he’s hammy and he’s completely obnoxious. Some find him funny, I don’t. I think his high-pitch screaming and laughable attempts to be threatening make this awful King adaptation worse. At this point in the film, we didn’t get to the terrible Langolier special effect. Even after they’ve come and gone, Toomey was still the worst part of the movie.
Seriously, watch Dean Stockwell in this clip. He’s not angry at Toomey, he’s wondering why the hell can’t Quantum Leap be back on the air.
That’s it for me. Which character do you think is the most annoying? Let me know here on or my Twitter. Next week we continue the countdown with some characters that come from great horror films. Not even the classics are safe.
Closing Logo courtesy of Kyle Morton (get your own custom artwork and commissions at his Etsy account)
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