A Bloody Good Time 05.10.12: The Top 10 Worst Vampire Movies Ever Made
Opening Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)
Welcome to A Bloody Good Time.
Before we begin, I’d like to pay my respects to director Jim Isaac, who passed away this week. For the Jason fans out there, Isaac directed Jason X, one of my personal favorites in the series. I’m not going to post-humously say that Jason X is a good movie, because it’s not, but I’ve always found it entertaining and I do love the movie. Isaac also directed The Horror Show (also known as House III) and Skinwalkers. His last movie was Pig Hunt, in 2008. Rest in peace, and thanks for the fun movies.
Last week I looked at the worst types of movie opinions, and used horror for the examples. Let’s see the feedback.
Drew said: The Torture Porn and Old movies sucks are the ones who really annoy me. Torture porn annoys me because it’s primarily directed at Saw, Hostel and films similar to them. There’ve been films with torture and far more extreme visuals that came out decades before the, like Blood Sucking Freaks, Salo and the Guinea Pig films. As for the old movies suck, I grew with up on 50’s b-monster movies and 70’s and 80’s animals on the loose that tried ripping off Jaws. While some might not be scary today or havn’t aged well, others are still good and some even great.
Yes, there are some people that think just because a few movies haven’t aged well, they are all inferior to today’s product. I find it a little insulting as a movie fan.
M A Weyer replied: Agree on how people get too high horse in their like/hatred of a film. I don’t mind that there are a lot of people who hate the Star Wars prequels, perfectly their right. What I hate is that elitist mentality where I’ve had people say that because I don’t hate Episdoe I, I can’t be a “real” Star Wars fan. When I did a review of how I found “Drive” incredibly overrated, I got folks ripping me in how “I was the only one who didn’t get it” so annoyed it happens so much.
Oh yes, the “true fan” people are awful. As if there is a specific set of rules for liking something and if you don’t follow them, you don’t really like it. I can’t say I’ve ever seen that mentality anywhere other than the internet, though.
Comment Board Poster asked: I think some people are so used to the fact that if it is half-way decent (and sometimes, doens’t completely suck), it will be remade. Therefore, why watch an old movie when you know Hollywood will remake it with fresh new graphics pretty soon?
Because you want to watch good movies? Just because there will be new graphics in a remake is no reason to dismiss an older film. I’d argue in some cases the effects in a remake are actually worse than the original, like the prequel to The Thing that came out last year.
neverAcquiesce added: You missed one: People who review movies without having actually seen them. It’s fine to believe something is going to be bad and to have no desire to see it (which you seemingly did with your Dark Shadows quip at the end) but until you’ve actually watched it and judged for yourself you can’t say whether it’s good or bad, only that you think it will be.
I subject myself to a lot of awful things just to have an opinion on them (as you’ll find out in this very column), so I get the argument here. If something looks bad, like Dark Shadows does, say that. Don’t say that it is bad when you have never watched it. Eventually I will even watch the remake of Dark Shadows, although I’m waiting to rent it and will likely regret the experience.
This week I was going to list the best vampire films and I have changed my mind. When I was coming up with the list, I realized that I’ve talked about Dracula, Near Dark and the like over and over, and would rather not cover old ground discussing them again. That’s probably why I never did the list before to begin with.
However, for those curious, I will list my favorite vampire movies right now.
#10: 30 Days of Night (2007)
#9: Shadow of the Vampire (2000)
#8: Blade 2 (2002)
#7: From Dusk ’til Dawn (1996)
#6: Horror of Dracula (1958)
#5: Let The Right One In (2008)
#4: Fright Night (1985)
#3: Near Dark (1987)
#2: Dracula (1931)
#1: Nosferatu (1922)
Instead, this week we are going to look at what I consider the worst vampire movies. These are the ones that, pun intended, suck. Whether they completely screw up the basic vampire mythology or are inferior sequels to great originals, they make this list because they are the worst of the bloodsuckers.
#10: Fright Night Part 2 (1988)
When I first saw this film, I actually kind of liked it. I watched the sequel before I ever saw the original because it was what my video store had at the time. But time has not been kind to this sequel and re-watching it years later tells me I just had on nostalgia goggles when I remembered it. I think the reason I hate this sequel now is that it sort of spits in the face of everything the original film established. Charley’s girlfriend is different, he no longer believes in vampires and there is no Evil Ed to be found (which isn’t their fault, and I don’t like him anyway).
The story is that Jerry Dandridge suddenly has a sister, and she wants to turn Charley into a vampire as vengeance for the death of her brother. It could have been a good idea, but it’s completely mismanaged. Regine (the vampire) decides one way to get vengeance is to take away Peter Vincent’s show. Not kill him, or even get him locked up in an asylum, just…make him unemployed. Charley in particular can’t seem to make up his mind whether or not vampires or real or not, even though he just killed one a movie prior. I know the psychiatrist makes him think otherwise, but you can’t tell me someone he’s going to just acknowledge that he, Peter Vincent and Charley’s girlfriend all had the same delusion. It doesn’t make any sense.
#9: Dracula 2000 (2000)
I hated the trend of various types of media adding “2000” to their name. It’s kind of annoying in the way Super Nintendo naming all of their games “Super” for a while was annoying. This one has Gerard Butler, before he meant anything as an actor, playing Count Dracula. Oh I’m sorry, I meant Judas Iscariot. What, you didn’t know that Dracula was actually Judas, and was made a vampire as punishment for betraying Jesus? I must have skipped that chapter in Bram Stoker’s novel.
Butler’s okay, but the rest of the film is poorly-edited (that really bad late 90s music video style that a lot of movies had at the time), horribly-written and just overall a chore to watch. If I had to say one thing to compliment it, it would be that Patrick Lussier (who would go on to make the awesome My Bloody Valentine 3D and the underrated Drive Angry) knows how to set up a shot and so when the camera doesn’t have a fast, irritating cut, it’s nice to look at.
#8: Tales From The Crypt: Bordello of Blood (1996)
The Tales from the Crypt movies have the downfall of being just kind of dumb, and too long to really be entertainingly so. Bordello of Blood is the worst of the theatrical releases, and is somehow worse than it sounds. Dennis Miller is in the lead role, playing Dennis Miller. No other movie, to my knowledge, was stupid enough to put Miller as the lead, probably because all he can do is say witty things. The movie also stars Corey Feldman, being Corey Feldman. None of the actors really have to try to be anything else, because they’re not written as anything more than stereotypes.
The advantage that this one has is gore and sex, but even that can get old when there’s no story or entertaining characters to back it up. Overall it’s just really stupid and I’ve watched it several times hoping to like it. I just don’t. To give you a hint of how bad this one is, not even The Cryptkeeper seems to be on his game when he has his host segments. If you like dumb movies with blood, sex and zero thought involved, you might like it. I wanted something more, especially from a Tales from the Crypt property.
#7: Priest (2011)
Priest came very close to making my three worst horror films of 2011 list, and if there had been four spots, it would have made it. So if you’re a fan of Priest, take solace in the fact that I don’t consider it as bad as Apollo 18, Hellraiser: Revelations and The Human Centipede 2. Priest is bad in an entirely different way. The three films I mentioned were so terrible they made me angry, while Priest is awful in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 kind of way.
It’s a shame this movie’s not that great because it has elements that could have made it something better. Paul Bettany is usually a good actor, the movie had Christopher Plummer in a supporting role (his second film on this list, after Dracula 2000), and there were some neat action sequences. But the vampires are awful-looking, the dialogue is bad and this movie just takes itself way too seriously for how silly it ultimately is. And Karl Urban…I hope Karl Urban had fun because he really chewed the scenery in this and hurt the movie as a result.
#6: 30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)
Every “Worst” list I seem to do seems to have at least one movie that is guilty of just being a complete bore. The sequel to 30 Days of Night is one of those movies. It’s set one year after the original (which I loved, for the record) and has Stella (now played by Kiele Sanchez) hunting vampires and generally trying to tell people that they exist. She’s not taking the death of Eben (played by Josh Hartnett in the original) very well and secretly wants to bring him back to life.
Besides the fact that this movie is dull, I also didn’t enjoy the fact that we focus on Stella, who wasn’t that interesting of a character in the first film. I know that it’s based on a comic series, and that the Dark Days series focuses on her too, but I just don’t like the character. I also don’t like the fact that the heroic death of Eben in the original is rendered meaningless by this sequel, just for the sake of a shock ending. Movies that generally disregard anything that came before tend to irritate me more than others.
#5: Blade: Trinity (2004)
The Blade series was going pretty well up to this point. Blade was good, Blade 2 was great and I was very excited to see a film that promised Blade on the run from the humans. This movie kills off the character of Whistler (bad move) and replaces him with Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds is entertaining if you are a fan of his (I am), but Biel is miscast and really brings the film down in every moment she is in.
But she’s not nearly as bad as the villains. First we have Dracula, who is actually called Drake for some reason. I’ve called Dominic Purcell one of the worst Draculas ever, and I stand by that. He’s not intimidating at all in this film, and I never once bought him as a threat to the Daywalker. His lackeys consist of Parker Posey and pro wrestler Triple H. It’s as bad as it sounds. After this the Blade character would get an equally horrible TV show before becoming a dead franchise. One can only hope Marvel gets the rights back and does something great with it.
#4: Vampire In Brooklyn (1995)
A lot of people consider this Wes Craven’s worst film, and while I disagree (My Soul to Take wins that one), it is pretty bad. This is a horror comedy that is neither scary nor funny and somehow someone thought Eddie Murphy as a vampire was a good idea. This movie was still during a time when both Eddie Murphy and Wes Craven were still considered good. Murphy was years away from family-friendly crap and Craven had just finished New Nightmare. So what happened?
It’s just not funny. There are so many attempts at jokes that fall completely flat and when a comedy isn’t funny, it’s not fun to watch. Then there’s the fact that Eddie Murphy is supposed to be a powerful vampire. Who is going to buy that? I barely buy Eddie Murphy as a threatening cop, but I give Beverly Hills Cop a pass because it’s funny. This one isn’t. It’s just one cringe-worthy joke after another, resulting in a 102-minute film of agony.
#3: Queen of the Damned (2002)
This movie had three things going for it before its release. The first was a pretty good soundtrack, if Disturbed and Static-X are your kind of music. The second is the fact it was a sequel to the fairly popular Interview with the Vampire. The third is that Aaliyah had died six months before the film was released, so it had that momentum going for it. Although unlike say, The Dark Knight (the argument that Heath Ledger’s death helped that movie’s success is the weakest argument against that movie ever), her performance wasn’t good enough to make the film a whole lot of money, and it only managed to get $10 million profit.
The movie begins with Lestat awakening in present day, and he becomes the lead singer of a nu metal band. Stop. End movie. There’s nothing else you need to know. I’m not saying Lestat is the most badass vampire out there, but how can anyone think this is a good idea? At least when Suck did it, it was played for laughs. You’re supposed to take this seriously. This movie also has some atrocious editing (the same style as Dracula 2000) and even worse acting from everyone, even the late Aaliyah.
#2: Bloodrayne (2005)
Ah, Uwe Boll. We meet again. There was a time when I actually called this Boll’s best film, with the caveat that it wasn’t as bad as House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark. Now I think his best film is Rampage, because Rampage is actually good. Everybody gets one. This film has several things wrong with it. The first is that Uwe Boll just isn’t a good director, and I think everyone knows that by now. He has way too many bad movies for anyone to say otherwise.
The second is that most of the roles are miscast, and that’s taking the nice route. Michael Madsen in particular seems very out of place, but Meat Loaf and Billy Zane don’t really belong either. Matthew Davis is particularly bad in his role. I guess the one thing I can say about this positively is that Kristanna Loken does well enough as Rayne as can be expected in an adaptation by Boll. The story is bad, the script is worse and the movie overall is a bad adaptation of a game that wasn’t really worthy of adaptation to begin with.
#1: The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
You just knew a Twilight film was going to make this list somewhere and yes, I consider this to be the worst vampire film I’ve ever seen. Keep in mind that I’ve never seen the other entries in the series because this movie pretty much killed any interest I had in continuing to watch, even to laugh at it. I watched the first Twilight so that I could have an opinion on it. I watched this because the first was so laughably bad I was hoping for more hilarity. I’ll go ahead and say two big things.
To me, the reason this movie is bad can be summed up with one scene. Bella goes into a catatonic depression over the course of three months over some silly high school relationship. Stephanie Meyer should be shot just for hinting that this behavior is acceptable. You’d think she’d welcome a chance to live a normal life away from a boyfriend who will fling her into a glass shelf to “protect” her, but I guess it’s “true love” or something. Fun fact. After watching New Moon, I developed pinkeye, a bad upper respiratory infection and had severe insomnia. I’m convinced this movie tried to kill me.
That’s it for me. Which vampire film do you hate? Leave some comments here on or my Twitter. Next week, I’m going to do a list of the best kinds of horror weapons.
Closing Logo courtesy of Kyle Morton (get your own custom artwork and commissions at his Etsy account)
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