Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 01.29.13: J.J. Abrams, Justice League, Cobie Smulders, The Rock, More

January 29, 2013 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 187 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Some nerd (J.J. Abrams) is set to direct some nerd movie (Star Wars: Episode VII): According to the homeless guy I met outside of Safeway The Wrap, Star Trek director J.J. Abrams is set to direct Disney’s recently acquired cash cow Star Wars: Episode VII. More like NERDRAGE WARS. Set inhalers to stu…pendous. (Ugh. That was awful and made no sense.)

    Lucasfilm Chief Kathleen Kennedy has been courting Abrams, one of the most successful directors and producers in Hollywood — and a man beloved by fanboys. He runs one of the industry’s top production companies, Bad Robot, and created or co-created television franchises like “Lost,” “Fringe” and “Alias.” He has also directed film spectacles “Mission: Impossible III,” “Star Trek” and “Super 8.”

    The lure of the Jedi was too strong, and it will no doubt complicate his relationship with Paramount, where Bad Robot is a top supplier. Abrams has been feverishly working on “Star Trek Into Darkness,” his second Star Trek film since he rebooted the franchise in 2009. “Into Darkness,” still in post-production, opens May 18. – The Wrap

    Did it ever occur to you that, as of the moment the news became official, J.J. Abrams has taken over the reins of the nerd universe from both ends? Holy crap. Think about it, he’s helming both the Star Trek and Star Wars franchises. He holds all the cards. Heck, he can use whichever side of the cards he wants. Imagine if Joss Whedon directed the next Batman reboot. Would the world implode? Would there be a line in the middle of Earth and it’s up to us to decide which side we want to be on? What if the two teamed up for a buddy comedy? The possibilities are endless.

    Whenever a story of this magnitude happens, the Internet is there to response, usually within minutes, with countless JPEG classics. This is no different. Not to mention Ashish loves it when I do stuff like this. It is his utopia. Here are the best mash-ups.


    Not just for troll purposes anymore.

    Get it? Because J.J. Abrams be lens flarin’ y’all! This is a direct quote from Abrams, “I’m going to put it in all of my movies. Bitches love lens flares.”

    Images via, via, via, via and via.

  • The Justice League super hero super team has set its lineup (Aquaman listed as questionable): The good news is the Justice League roster has reduced its membership list down to five members. At least we know that part won’t be a mess. The bad news is sucks to be Aquaman. Aww, keep your head up dude. You’ll find your way back to the spotlight someday.

    As of this morning, they are STILL looking for a director. In the meantime, according to sources, the final cinematic Justice League roster will consist of five core members featuring:

    1) Superman

    2) Batman

    3) Green Lantern

    4) Wonder Woman

    5) The Flash

    “Good rehearsal, superheroes. Now it’s time for the easiest part of any film director’s job. The cuts. Although I wasn’t able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Martian Manhunter is cut. Green Arrow is cut. Hawkman, you’re gone. Blue Beetle, I like your hussle. That’s why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!”

    “Except you, you and you.” *Points to Aquaman, Hawkgirl, and Cyborg.*

    Later the team meets Joe Namath. His inspirational words cause the team to save Earth from Vapor Lock. The end. (Oops, uh, spoiler alert.)

    Fret not fanboys because the Justice League bench is quite deep. There might be one or two cameos from the 2nd stringers. The Justice League Varsity B team consists of:

    6) Martian Manhunter

    7) Aquaman

    The 3rd sting bum juice practice squad sole member with the weakest possibility of a cameo:

    8) Hawkman – Latino Review

    Having just five of the core characters will keep things a little on the cleaner side. Would the movie contain a few of the cameos mentioned? Not sure. I’m a little more concerned that the film, with a writer, villain, and storyline already in tow, has no director or cast. I guess since the franchise is working backward with its movie lineup the offstage aspect has to work the same way too.

  • Cobie Smulders in talks for Marvel’s How I Met Your S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent TV show: I should stamp this blurb with a big “may” across it. Cobie Smulders MAY appear in Joss Whedon’s S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters MAY appear to be a successful awful movie. Lindsay Lohan MAY appear to be germ-free. We don’t know for sure if Smulders – Agent Maria in The Avengers – is actually set for a role on the show, but it’s not like she’s ruling it out.

    Since the S.H.I.E.L.D. series is set within the cinematic continuity and Maria Hill is such a indispensable member of the eponymous espionage agency in The Avengers, can we expect her to appear on S.H.I.E.L.D. in some capacity? “The commitments to [How I Met Your Mother] don’t affect it,” Smulders said. “And I can’t really say but there are definite talks about it.” – I Am Rogue

    Does this mean I have to be near the set of How I Met Your Mother and shout “FREE COBIE SMULDERS” in order for her to be a full-time member of S.H.I.E.L.D.? If that’s what it takes, then so be it. Also can I be your best friend Ms. Smulders? I’ll share my KFC Gameday Bucket with you.

    Of course anytime Robin comes into play, there is no way I can pass up the opportunity to post this little number.

  • Life after 30 Rock for Tina Fey may include a Mean Girls musical: If you’re worried about what Tina Fey will do next after the series finale of 30 Rock, then don’t. Not when the next step is possibly making a Mean Girls musical. You go girl!

    Before winning the SAG Award for Best Actress in a Comedy Series, Tina Fey got quizzed about a Mean Girls musical on the red carpet. “Maybe! We want to. I would love to,” she told E! “I’m trying to develop it, actually, with my husband, who does all the music for 30 Rock. And I think Paramount’s onboard, yeah.” – Vulture

    Truth: Fey’s ideas smell like peppermint. Obligatory Mean Girls scene of Jingle Bell Rock ahoy!

  • Oh fiddle-de-dee there’s going to be a Girls reality show now: This is a huge shock to you, so huge that you accidentally dropped your custom-made cassette collection of The Envy Corps. Bad enough there is going to be a third season and possibly take more awards from more deserving TV shows. That’s not it though. For you see, there’s going to be a Girls reality show – a reality show which showcases real life twenty-something-year-old girls in New York much like the girls in Girls. I bet this is really going to piss off 3Rs commenter No Seriously, who made his outrage known here two weeks ago. I’m sure the same feeling applies for a lot of you, but then he was the one who proclaimed to take a bullet for me due of our general dislike for the show, should the situation arise. Hmm, in that case, maybe I will take that trip to Oakland after all.

    A casting call ad was posted on Craigslist last week (has been deleted since then). Rather than go through the usual “post article in blockquote followed by dismissive wank” bit, let’s have a frank walkthrough of the ad, shall we?

    Ever feel like life in the big frantic city is just too much?

    Oh my yes. Sacramento is just too frantic of a city for me to handle, what with all the tall buildings and avocados. Whoa, suddenly I’m dizzy.

    Are you a twenty-something young woman seeking fame, fortune, love or even a hookup with potential?

    Sounds more like a seeking ad from Charlie Sheen. (Note: in his case “potential” means “a walk-in coke closet.”)

    How do you get from here to there when you can’t even get a seat on the L train!

    I KNOW, RIGHT? Stupid L train, always seat-less for us seat seekers. ALWAYS THE GLORYBOY TRANSIT.

    Come to a casting call with our Emmy-winning production company and tell us your dreams and woes, your highs and lows, your tales of *** in the city and the outrageous opportunities that have come your way.

    My dream is to build the world’s largest ice cream cone and eat it in one sitting. By the way, what’s with the private ID listing, “Emmy-winning production company”? If you’re listing yourself in high regard, wouldn’t you want to flash the name of your company all over the spectrum so says 411mania.com 2012 Writer of the Year nominee Porfirio Diaz? (Check your local guide for listings.) (Also, nomination is not made up.) (Shut up.)

    Is your circle of friends bound together by not just the parties, fights, and brunches but frequent bouts of commiserating over your struggles?

    Does wearing no pants count as a struggle?

    It isn’t easy taking the road less travelled, but making it as a writer, designer, entrepreneur, actress/model or glorified dog walker never is!

    Is “glorified dog walker” just a regular dog walker, but with no pants? Not that I would know, but I do need to know. I have this college girl to impress. She’s from Stanford.

    The real life television show we are making follows the trials and tribulations of an ensemble of wise-beyond-their-years young ladies.

    Truth: this is the most Girls sentence ever.

    We are with you living the dream in hipster Brooklyn and lower Manhattan.

    Also truth: Hipster Brooklyn is made entirely out of 1970s newspaper and VCR box cases of foreign films.

    Only well educated and cultured extroverts need apply. Are you thinking about that show—”Girls?” Well we didn’t say it but. . ..now that you mention it.

    “Also, you will be asked to get naked during random times of the day. Doesn’t hurt to have tattoos either. Most people may frown upon tattoos. Ha, so like America. We think tattoos are hot.”

    Apply ladies. This is definitely your time to shine. Go out there and do your thang.

  • Marvel wants to recruit Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler for Guardians of the Galaxy: Marvel Studios have apparently reached out to both Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey to see whether they are available for a role in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy. While specifics tell us nothing about what definite role either or both might be in, murmurs indicate it will be for the voice of Rocket Raccoon. So either we can look forward to see Rocket Raccoon spreading his cheeks while imitating scenes from Lincoln or giving out his own version of the Woodland Critter Hanuhhak song.

    Marvel is going after some big comedic actors perhaps for some comedic relief in the movie. Exactly how big?

    Marvel is asking for the availability of both Jim Carrey AND Adam Sandler!

    For what roles, I’m not sure. Maybe Rocket or Groot? Jim Carrey I can see since he is already playing Colonel Stars & Stripes in Kick Ass 2, but Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler) in a Marvel movie?! – Lation Review

    Oh Hollywood, this is SOOOO you.

    When I think of Jim Carry and Adam Sandler, I think of comic relief, which might be where Marvel wants to set one of their characters up to be. If the character is indeed Rocket Raccoon, meh. Not that it’ll be the worst thing in the whole. I’m just not sure Carrey or Sandler are big enough nerds to want to put in their best efforts into the role. Seems to me the studio would do a better job enlisting H. Jon Benjamin, Billy West, Bruce Campbell…umm…anyone really. Ooo, Mark Hamill. In fact let’s go ahead and write down Mark Hamill as the Rocket Raccoon. There Marvel, I just did your job for you. If you are in need of help in other areas, I’m available for work.

    If, IF, I had to choose, I’ll go with Jim Carrey. Jack and Jill is still fresh in my mind and that’s an automatically disqualification.

  • Today in “News That Make You Wish Upon The Apocalypse”: Kris Jenner is getting a daytime talk show: I only mention it because I feel you should know. You should know so you learn to avoid it – “it” being when Kardashian mom Kris Jenner gets a one-hour talk show test run on select Fox-owned stations this summer – becomes a reality.

    The program, produced by Twentieth Television, is a pop culture driven talk show filmed in Los Angeles. It will feature celebrity guests, fashion & beauty trends; plus a mix of lifestyle topics. “This is something I have wanted to do all my life so it’s definitely a dream come true!,” said Jenner who will serve as executive producer.

    “Whether offering real advice to her family or sharing personal moments with viewers, Kris is honest, compelling, entertaining, and unscripted – all excellent qualities for a daytime talk show host,” said Stephen Brown, EVP of Development & Programming, Twentieth TV. – Deadline

    So there you go. Kris Jenner is getting a TV talk show and there is nothing you can do about it. To help ease the pain, here is a mash-up between an animated GIF of a Slinky on a treadmill and Bee Gees’ Stayin’ Alive.

  • Ben and Kate and the B—- in Apt. 23 have officially been thrown off from television : Aw fiddle sticks.

    Two days after the freshman comedy was pulled from Fox’s Tuesday lineup, The Hollywood Reporter has learned that production on the 20th Century Fox Television produced series ended Friday.

    The current episode will not finish shooting, and the final two episodes of its 18-episode order will not be completed. Six episodes remained, only three of which completed filming. – THR

    “Sorry folks, Ben and Kate has been canned. But do stay tuned for a special two hour edition of American Idol!” *Shows Nicky Minaj frozen spooky face*

    *Elvis reemerges from grave, shoots TV*

    The cast of Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 isn’t lying: ABC has pulled the half-hour comedy from its lineup midway through its second season, series star James Van Der Beek announced via Facebook Jan. 22. The actor’s costars, Krysten Ritter and Dreama Walker, confirmed the show’s cancellation via Twitter.

    “Sad to say ABC has pulled Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 and will not be airing the eight remaining episodes any time soon. Translation: we’ve basically been cancelled. I know most of you watched us on your own time schedule and that the competitive network scheduling game is irrelevant to you, but network TV is a business dictated by Nielson ratings. And while that’s an antiquated business model, it’s the only one they’ve got. For now,” said Van Der Beek, who played a fictionalized and over-the-top version of himself. – US Weekly

    I’m not going to tell you Ben and Kate and Don’t Trust the B—– in Apt. 23 were the greatest of TV shows or anything, but I will tell you they were by far two of the least deserving TV shows to be cancelled. They were responsible for filling Tuesday nights with passable enjoyment. I like passable enjoyment! I enjoyed Don’t Trust… (I’ll miss you The Beek!) more than Ben and Kate, but I needed them for my Tuesday comedy fix. Now how am I supposed satisfy my Tuesday nights now?

    In a just world, the two shows stay on the air and The Bachelor dies on its way back to its home planet. Unfortunately we just don’t live in a world like that anymore. *sheds single tear*

  • Of course there’s going to be a Community porn parody: We don’t need to go through the whole ordeal to figure out how many times fans have fought to keep Community on the air. Not that I want to shower a cast of sad on their parade, but the truth is the upcoming fourth season – scheduled to premiere on February 7th – is more likely to be the last of the series. I’ve made my peace with it. Not every show can say they have stayed on television for about 3+ quality years and that’s OK. Better to sit back and enjoy the final run than continue to rabble on why NBC is a bunch of brain-dead monkeys in lab coats, with a degree in nofunology.

    So sadly those clamoring “six seasons and a movie” will not get their wish. However is there a chance you can settle for “four seasons and a porn parody”? I’m telling you this because This Ain’t Community XXX is out and ready to present their wholesome version of a script Dan Harmon kept in his secret drawer for the series finale, probably. Get your crab dip ready. (On second thought, no.)

    Community made it, you guys! Usually it’s a high honor for a TV show to be told its made-for-porno material. Sadly this also means the adult industry has put more stock in Community than those brain-dead monkeys at NBC. (Grr.) Either way, Rule 34 y’all.

    Reddit has the link and information for the latest in television slash porno satires because of course Reddit would have the link and information for the latest in television slash porno satires. There is no way I’m posting the link to the actual website on here. I’m like Annie – so eager to stay moderately innocent despite once going through an Adderall addiction. Oops did I say Adderall? I meant add them…all. You know like math. I had an addiction to addition. At least I’m not addicted to sucking so much, like those executives with their terrible postures and cocaine powdered noses over at NBC. (Double grr.) Yeah. Soo…

    Hey look below – an image that pretty much sums up the whole blurb.

  • The Rock wants to star in a teddy bear movie based off a picture on DeviantArt: You already know movies can be greenlit based on the silliest things like board games, bubble gum comic strips, and whatever random scribbles they can find on napkins. Hollywood is beyond that now, going to a place where true film inspiration lies: DeviantArt. And the Rock wants a little piece of the action – he wants to play as a teddy bear.

    Now New Line has bought one based on an illustration, and it comes with Dwayne Johnson attached to produce and potentially star and Beau Flynn on board to produce.

    The picture in question was drawn by Alex Panagopoulos, a Greek software engineer turned fantasy artist. It features a little girl asleep in bed while a small brown teddy bear — brandishing a laughably small wooden sword and shield — holds an enormous, fanged monster at bay. And in the fashion of a motivational poster, a caption reads “Teddy Bears: Protecting innocent children from monsters under the bed since 1902.” (The teddy bear was invented in 1902 by Morris Michtom, who was inspired by a political cartoon featuring President Theodore Roosevelt and a bear he refused to shoot.)

    Hiram Garcia, a former assistant to Johnson, found the illustration [on DeviantArt] and brought it to Beau Flynn’s FlynnPictureCo and New Line. The company, Flynn and Johnson together made the 2012 family adventure movie Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. Johnson, Flynn and Garcia will produce what is tentatively called Teddy Bear. No writer is attached and the story’s take is being kept secret, but New Line is hoping to launch a big four-quadrant franchise. They no doubt were emboldened by the megahit bear comedy Ted, which made more than $500 million worldwide for Universal last summer. – THR

    Here is the “picture in question”:


    Via

    I so wish the movie is Ted meets Halo meets Lord of the Rings. Is that something you want to pluck down $10 + tax to see? Because I would. Twice. Probably won’t happen. Studios do a good job in going with the flow and pushing out the worst scenario possible. Chances are it’ll be a tie-in with the bear from the Snuggle Fabric Dryer Softener commercials and the plot is Aliens with unsightly wrinkles.

    Looks like Ted has opened a Pandora’s Box for other future teddy bear films. Or better (worse?) yet Hollywood has found a new alternative source to filmmaking. Although I do believe that’s how The Last Airbender was made – an absolute buzzed M. Night Shyamalan once saw a picture of a dog turd and shouted, “That’s it!”

  • Kate Upton’s Super Bowl commercial – one where you washes a car in slow motion – is already your favorite Super Bowl commercial…not counting comments from Facebook: Super Bowl? More like SUPER HARBALLS BROS. *fist pumps everyone in the room* For some people, it’s about the pure nature of the game. For others, it’s about 30 seconds of ad time to a product you’ll likely forget by the time the next one rolls by. Here is the full list of what is airing on Super Sunday – hint: 10% will be car commercials; 89.9%: GoDaddy.com and E-Trade – though I can already tell you what my favorite will be. “Kate Upton Washes the New Mercedes CLA in Slow Motion.” They’re not even trying to be subtle anymore. I do like Upton’s idea of washing a car to just stand there, blow bubbles, and do that thing with her hair that can make Manti Te’o’s girlfriend jealous. I would throw in a suggestion for next time: more Carl Jr. burgers and at my driveway.

    However not all people feel the same way. Some of the comments posted on this very website (“She looks better than average, but not spectacular or anything.”) do not share the same love for her as I do. I can say that all (OK, some of them) are perfectly sane compared to comments posted on the Mercedes-Benz Facebook page:

    The car is sexy enough, the contrived nature of the ad wasn’t necessary

    “…don’t objectify me! Just give me money so I can stay beautiful…”

    Why stoop to that level of advertising? Tsk, tsk.

    Eh. Could have used a better outfit for Kate. And Sandals?! Sandals do not scream sexy. Sweet ride though. C’mon MB, you guys can do much better than this.

    I thought Mercedes Benz had more class than that

    They Coulve Had Someone Wayyy Sexier Like, Victoria Secret Model Gisel Budchen Or Brooklyn Decker Both Gorgeous Women!!!

    Eh. She’s so vanilla. There are much hotter women out there that would have been better representatives for MB and its message–which I sort of thought was sophisticated sexiness. She’s like a sports and a beer type of girl.

    I will be humiliated if the superbowl spot is anything like this.

    Embarrassing execution. Horrible ad…..just plain stupid. – With Leather

    OK, maybe none of them are sane.

    Enjoy Kate Upton in a Kate Upton Production commercial with some car. It’s all downhill from here.

  • The third greatest thing about Super Bowl Sunday is Animal Planet’s always adorable Puppy Bowl – behind the actual football game and having adult discussions about which commercial makes you want to throw snack trays and chicken wing bones at the TV. What a fine national tradition we got going. And as if it couldn’t get any better, Animal Planet introduced a new pre-game ritual called “Puppy Cam” locker room live stream. You don’t need to wait until Sunday when you can watch puppies prepare for the ruff game ahead right now.

    Broadcasting live with Ustream

    What I learned from watching an hour’s worth of live stream: puppies like to sleep a lot and bite each other’s noses. DAAWWW.

    I hope I didn’t ruin whatever plans you had for the rest of the week. Work productivity is already on the decline around this time, where an estimated $820 million was lost due to the Monday hangover last year. Even worse, it took me far too long to finish writing the piece for this section. My excuse was watching two shepherd mixes gnawing and fighting over a toy football. I called them the Harbark brothers. (Har har.) Then one chased the other around the room in a fit of puppy angst. I called that one Jim.

    Last week’s result: the Napoleon Dynamite version of NoSuch Dame: The Manti Te’o Story beat out the Usual Suspects adaptation (32.14%). I don’t blame you. The ND GIF was pretty dope and scary accurate.

    This week: DEAL WITH IT BRO(S)!


    Via

    VS.


    Via


    The They Live GIF was created by the awesome Mike Mitchell. You remember They Live right? Where “Rowdy” Roddy Pipper dons the glasses and his life never becomes the same again? Yes. “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum.” YES. Anyway the GIF is up against a formable foe: Laker bros being Laker bros. Believe it or not, the GIF is actually run in reverse, and true, it is somehow funnier. I hate the Lakers, but despite that, eat your heart out Roddy Pipper.

    /votes They Live anyway because personal hatred of everything Lakers is personal

    Last word: Super Bowl prediction – Niners 31, Ravens 20. After next Sunday, I’ll be using both hands to count the 49ers’ number of championships.

    Already folks, I’m gone for the next two weeks. I don’t know who will be filling in for me, but treat them as you would each other.

    *everyone gives 53 down votes to everyone*

    See you until then!

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