Movies/TV’s 3R’s 02.12.13: Kate Upton, Hulk, Community, Justice League, More
Welcome to Week 188 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.
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Without any further ado, here is…
For the second time in their careers, Kate Upton and her assets are on full display in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover. This makes her the first back-to-back swimsuit cover model since Tyra Banks did it in 1996 and 1997. Here is my analysis on the actual cover: umm…she’s wearing a jacket because it’s cold. “I look…Cold lol,” Upton said in a tweet. You’re not going to find this incredible breakdown anywhere else you guys.
Originally the blurb headline was titled “Kate Upton SI bewbs fap fap fap” but I, plus everyone here at 411mania, are a little bit more courteous than that. Now shut up and stare while I write an 8,000 word report about why this is considered the most important news of the year.
What I feared with the major change made behind the scenes in the past year – the less crabby duo of Moses Port and David Guarascio in place of showrunner Dan Harmon – was it wasn’t going to be “Community” anymore. It’s a show fans view as a bit more special than most sitcoms on TV, and to have the creator, the main inspiration of the show, ousted was a cause for concern. So I saw the season premiere titled “History 101″ with lower expectations and…it looked like Community. It tasted like Community…yet something was a bit off. It wasn’t the characters. They were the same quirky bunch as in season’s past. It weren’t the jokes. The laughs I produced during the episode can arrest to that. Definitely not Britta’s glasses, who looked more than fyne with them on. Call me crazy but was precious Alison Brie leapfrogged by Glasses Britta AND Annie Kim in terms of hotness judging by last week’s episode? Is it even possible?
If something did indeed felt different, then I would point to the cinematography. Some of the framework felt awkward, especially in the hallway scenes, though still not enough to ruin the enjoyment. I could also point out to The Hunger Deans, which, sadly, didn’t divulge too much into the homage as much as the previews wanted you to believe. It felt a little forced, and really had to fight for screen time against two other storylines (Britta/Troy, Annie/Shirley). This is what happens when you try to squeeze too much story into 22 minutes, though things did wrap up nicely in the end. Look at the Dungeons & Dragons or the paintball shows – episodes where they really went all-out with the pop culture concept – and compare it to this one. Simply felt like an excuse for the Dean to wear another decorative outfit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Some critics have called last week’s premiere “hallow” but I wouldn’t go that far. What I said above were minor nitpicks. Despite it all, last week’s premiere was top notch TV, and I will be looking forward to the next (last?) 12 episodes of the season. It may be a little bit different, but to me, Community is still Community.
Over on AMC, The Walking Dead drew 12.3 million total views, an all-time high. Yay. Now don’t ruin the premiere of The Walking Dead you jerks.
Annie was right. They do make a great pair.
According to Latino Review, the rumors circulating in regards to a solo Hulk movie – already in plans to be released after The Avengers 2 – will apparently be based on the Planet Hulk storyline. In case you don’t have the story committed to memory, basically the superheroes of Earth banish Hulk to a distant planet with 90% of their reasoning due for being too dangerous, while the remaining 10% is due to him having an odor problem and being quite unapologetic about it. Hulk ain’t care, as he Hulk-ingly takes over the planet with his Hulk muskles. You want a reference? Go watch the Planet Hulk animated movie.
As if THAT’s not enough, the basis of Avengers 3 will be revolved around the World War Hulk storyline. In case you don’t the story committed to memory (What? I’m assuming you did), the story follows up on Planet Hulk in which Hulk finds his way back home. Spoiler: he’s not too happy to see everyone.
Keep in mind this is yet another frustrated rumor in a pond of them. Even if it was true, Marvel can’t use Mr. Fantastic or Professor X without stumbling over a lawsuit, and I doubt Marvel is willing to put the effort introducing Namor, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and whoever else makes up the rest of the Illuminati unless drastic changes were made. I wouldn’t mind a movie version of the Illuminati, though that too might be farfetched.
On the other hand, yay most recent comic adaptations.
Ellie Kemper has signed for the lead role in the NBC comedy pilot Brenda Forever. The flashback-filled pitch: “Stories from Brenda Miller’s past and present are interwoven to give a unique portrait of how a chubby, awkward, but incredibly confident 13-year-old grew up to be a 31-year-old woman who still marches to the beat of her own drum.” – EW
Bleugh. There is too much adult version of Punky Brewster in that pitch!
NBC is not exactly hitting home runs with comedies as of late and it won’t be long before “Whitney Wednesdays” dominates that particular night because television executives are terrible. However, Kemper is absolutely adorable and I am in favor of seeing her move on to great success. I mean, how can you scoff at this face?
Color me intrigued.
A team-up movie with the world’s most recognizable conquerors of justice and the individual series that will be made afterwards? What can possibly go wrong?
“Not so fast.” – Record Scratch
I’ve now heard from multiple sources that the Will Beall script for Justice League has been scrapped. The story from each source is the same: it’s terrible. Some sources seem to think the whole movie is going to fall apart and never happen, while some believe that Warner Bros will keep moving forward, unwilling to lose the superhero arms race.
Note: the superhero arms race is mainly Marvel having yacht jousts in their football field-sized pool filled with champagne; meanwhile, Warner Bros cannot figure out how to get the 12:00 on their VCR to stop blinking.
Beall’s script supposedly includes Darkseid and a heavy cosmic threat. But the script has been half-baked from the beginning, with reports saying that heroes (beyond the core five of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash and Green Lantern) have been cut and added from the proceedings seemingly at studio executive will. The latest word was that Warner Bros, experiencing real cold feet, had decided to wait until The Man of Steel to really move forward, but it’s possible that moving forward now will mean a whole new script. – Badass Digest
You would think it’d be easy to create a decent story about a team of famous comic characters – consisting of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, and Green Lantern – fighting against dark forces – Darkseid – in an action-packed battle to save the Earth. You would think, right? Nope, it’s only Marvel that makes it look easy. The script written by Will Beall – the guy behind the underwhelming Gangster Squad flick (Rotten Tomato score: 32%) – was tossed out the window due to excessive executive meddling and, well, let’s just say it: the script sucked. Now the film’s future is dependent on the pending success of The Man of Steel. How typical – it’s up to Superman to save the day again.
There is a very good chance Justice League ends up going back into the million dollar idea thought bubble of no return. With the way things are going, maybe it’s for the best. Go back to the individual hero stories and build up from there. I’d rather have no Justice League than a future where Mystery Men is considered the better film – and I like Mystery Men. OK, poor example. I got it, I’ll use The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Is that the darkest timeline you want? Where The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen > Justice League?
So how much money, stock options, and cases of Sunkist will it take Christopher Nolan to get onboard? If not him, then give it to Seth Green. Another full-length Robot Chicken feature will be just as good.
So how was the Bieber-hosted episode? It wasn’t good. It was meh but more along the lines of a dismissive wank “meh”. I wouldn’t call it the worst of the season, but there wasn’t a lot of entertainment to be had. Bieber kept flubbing lines and burning every sketch he was in down to the ground before going back to stomp on the ashes. (See: The Californians. UGH.) This is a problem when your charisma is similar to that of a $50-$60 brick. Everything else ranged from mediocre to terrible.
Bring back Joseph Gordon-Levitt!
In the trashy, stupefying screenplay by Craig Mazin, Jason Bateman is a Denver accountant named Sandy Patterson—another in a long line of victims of the increasingly dangerous world of cyber-crime—whose credit card has been hacked and copied by a felonious thief in Miami (cacophonous, tractor-sized Melissa McCarthy).
LOL incredibly intolerant fat jokes. Reed sure can tell ‘em. I bet he saves pictures of people he hates off the Internet and doodle mean-spirited words all over their faces.
The snafus in the worst road movie since The Guilt Trip plunge Mr. Bateman and his female hippo into a motel with only a double bed, a grotesque sex scene with a pickled reprobate she picks up in a bar who demands a threesome, a violent bar fight that bloodies his nose, a kidnapping, a multi-car collision going the wrong way on the freeway … but why go on?
This does sound like the sort of sizist sh*t a douchebag like Rex Reed would say.
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success. – New York
Or, you know, she’s a comedian who has devoted her short career to being funny?
Identity Thief is getting beat up by the critics – 24% on Rotten Tomatoes so far – and perhaps the discontent is warranted. If I had to guess solely from the trailer, the film does look terrible. Nevertheless the negativity hasn’t stopped moviegoers from helping the film earn an estimated $37 million at the box office over the weekend. Great, I guess. Cheers for everyone involved, yet hardly the point I wanted to make.
The real point is that Rex Reed is, in the words of Jeremy Wilson’s Facebook page, “an incompetent, trolling troglodyte” and probably should be crushed by a real tractor or hippo. Put the two together and you got yourself a new Mega Man robot master. Cool! And not to further stray from the point, but all this Rex Reed talk is making me think of this quote from The Critic: “Hey, Jay! It’s Gene Siskel. I’ve decided I’d like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you’re game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.” (beep) “Jay, it’s Roger Ebert. How’d you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.” (beep) “Jay, it’s Rex Reed. I don’t care if you got the job. I’ve got a NEW partner. (Monkey screeches) That’s right, Pauline Kael!”
In conclusion, fact: Rex Reed is the worst.
I imagine troglodytes has cat whiskers too.
TMZ: “Well American. Are you ready for the latest hot sizzling chapter of Lohan family hysteria question mark exclamation point question mark again?!? Michael Lohan told Dina to take her memoir and SUCK IT like the way she siphons gas on her way to WHOREMART (“A LOT LIKE MY EX-WIFE, TEMPEEZEE – LOW PRICES EVERYDAY!”) because, whaddya know, he’s writing his own tell-all book entitled “I Am Not Daddy Dearest … If I can Turn It All Around, You Can too!” In an exclusive, Michael told us the book will mainly be about My Mother the Car recaps and stories about the time he drank Ted Kennedy under the table. LIKE A BOSS. He say he would also include scandalous photos of his daughter Lindsay, but “she is NOT a hooker. She may be a liar, a brat, an idiot, a car rammer, a hooker, but she is NOT a porn star. OK, maybe that too, but not as much as her mother – the VILLAGE NOTCH.”
“BACK TO YOU, DBZ!”
On a related story, Lindsay wants to open a high-end Mexican restaurant in Tribeca. Incredible!
A director says he’s traveling to Connecticut to prepare for a TV movie related to the Newtown school shooting.
Jonathan Bucari told News 12 Connecticut he planned to visit Ridgefield on Monday.
Ridgefield is 20 miles southwest of Newtown, where a gunman fatally shot 20 first-graders, six educators and himself in December.
WVIT-TV reports Bucari’s film company says the film focuses on a 13-year-old boy with mental illness and a fear of his parents after the shooting. – EW
Caffeine enters the system faster and more efficiently through the colon than it does through the stomach. Or so I’m told. Slice it any way you want, this is still a story about people pouring a pot of coffee up their butts.
“The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt.”
Twenty-four-year-old Aaron Chase arrived at a Chautauqua County, N.Y., Applebee’s Sunday, wearing white face paint, a green wig and a big red smile. He was rocking a full-on Heath Ledger, and it sure wasn’t Halloween. Allegedly he’d already been kicked out of another bar up the road for making gun gestures at the bartender earlier in the evening. Already drunk and all out of cash, Chase allegedly began harassing people at the Applebee’s. He was asked to leave. He did not. Apparently this isn’t even his first time, but bar owner Tim Ruch still says, “People get a little uptight and nervous. You don’t see this everyday.” – Blastr
“We tried to call Batman, but he was chowing down a bucket of bottomless fries over at a Red Robin. You know what else would have been nice to have at a Red Robin – PARENTS TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR WORTHLESS BOTTOMLESS FRIES. *ahem* Sorry, it’s been a rough day.”
The only thing missing from the scene was The Joker pouring hot coffee up his anus. It would have been perfect.
This is Bobo and darn it he doesn’t want to take his medicine. Watch as he adorably activates puppy ignore/pout mode. Daw.
Results from two weeks ago: Lakers Bros – the bestest of all bros – proved to be a little bit more fetch than They Live, winning 55.95% to 44.05%. Not to rub dirt on their season – oh who am I kidding? What I’m about to do is textbook dirt rubbing – but is it even possible for the mishmash patty wack Lakers to still win over 40% of their games? Not if the team keeps playing basketball with walkers and jersey suspenders. Would it help tremendously if they send Dwight Howard packing to the Rockets? Oh wait, I said that wrong: would it help them tremendously if they send Dwight Howard packing in a rocket…to the moon?
This week: Batman and Superman as super best friends forever.
I have no earthly idea what is going in GIF #2. With no context handy, I can only tell you that Batman is Superman’s new house cat. Only he’s a bat. Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to work out. Batman doesn’t seem to mind, as he stands there rather nonchalantly. As much as I want to spotlight Supes for sporting one hell of a goofy – and by the looks of it, slightly turned on – expression, the winner is Robin the Perv Wonder, who seems to getting a lot of joy watching the spectacle in front of him. Hey where are his hands?
Last word: I didn’t get to see the Grammys but from ever report I read, Katy Perry’s massive boobs stole the show and won all the awards. Taylor Swift wore a white dress and ate the hearts of all the male attendees possibly because she’s a demon and her soul needed to feed. She also lip-synched. Guess what TMZ talked about first?