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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: People Who Want Victor Salva to Direct Jeepers Creepers 3

March 6, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

2017Daytona500

Okay, so the 2017 NASCAR season has begun and the whole “races completed in segments or stages” thing has been a hit-and-miss situation at best. It sort of worked in all three major events at Daytona, but the idea was less than successful at Atlanta, the second track on the schedule for the Camping World Truck Series, the Xfinity Series, and the Monster Energy Cup Series. I figured that would happen as soon as I saw how the segments procedure would work while watching the Truck race.

Why? What did I see? The segments idea works as long as the racing itself is close. At Daytona, where it’s all about the draft and “pack” racing, you can’t get away from anyone. The cars are basically locked together for the entire race distance and, as a result, when the segment is about to end anything can happen because damn near everyone has a chance to make something happen. There’s a real sense of suspense there. At Atlanta, where there are cars all over the track and drivers and cars can break away, the segment idea really didn’t add any strategy to the race and it really didn’t seem all that different from previous races at Atlanta. The fastest car got to the front and spanked the field for most of the race.

Now, I understand, to a degree, what NASCAR wants to do with this “segment” idea. It wants to create suspense and drama at all stages of a race by awarding points and whatnot to everyone doing well at the end of a segment. The theory is drivers will figure out how to make stuff happen at the end of those segments because they want the points. After all, lots of people believe that the “real” race doesn’t actually begin until there’s like 50 laps to go. So why not make them race all of the time?

Yes, exactly. Why not make everyone race all of the time? Why not just make the main race shorter? Why not have two heat races, with the top finishers then moving on to the main race? If the big race is shorter and if the fast guys are in the back and have to make their way to the front, wouldn’t that make for a better show?

Well, yeah, it would. It’ll never happen, but it would definitely make for an infinitely better show. Making qualifying dangerous would create suspense and uncertainty (if you have a forty car field and you split the field into two 20 car races with the top 15 making it to the main race, man, all kinds of stuff could happen. The guy who won the last three races might not make the next one! Holy shit!). And when the main race happens, everyone would know the top guys are in it. And if the top points guys start at the back of the pack, if they have to find a way to get to the front in 100 laps or whatever, NASCAR will once again have a show.

Anyone out there agree with me on this, or at least see where I’m coming from with this? Am I missing something?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

TheCreeper

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to the people who really want a Jeepers Creepers 3 directed by Victor Salva, for really wanting a Jeepers Creepers 3 directed by Victor Salva.

Now, sure, plenty of people likely had no idea who Victor Salva was back when the first Jeepers Creepers movie came out in 2001 or when part 2 came out in 2003. I know I didn’t. I just knew that Jeepers Creepers was a new, sort of big deal horror franchise that broke all kinds of box office records when it came out at the end of the summer in 2001. For whatever reason people were excited by the movie. It as new, it was fresh, the monster was cool, etc. I eventually saw the movie about a year or so after it came out (I bought a VHS copy of the movie at a Sam’s Club) and thought, at best, it was moderately okay. The monster was kind of creepy but, overall, the movie didn’t make any sense to me. What was the big deal? I didn’t see the sequel. I also have no plans to see it or the upcoming part 3. And why?

Because Victor Salva is a convicted child molester.

Back in 1988, Salva molested a twelve year old boy he was directing on his first movie Clownhouse. Salva had his victim stay behind for “extra rehearsals,” code for forcing the boy to give and receive oral sex from Salva. Salva filmed every molestation encounter with the boy. The boy eventually told his parents about what Salva was doing to him, the boy’s parents went to the police, the police did an investigation and raided Salva’s home, and inside Salva’s home they found the abuse films plus a trove of child pornography. Salva was arrested, convicted, and sentenced to three years in prison. Salva was eventually paroled after serving fifteen months. And since being released from prison Salva has directed eight movies and has been given significant support from Francis Ford Coppola (Coppola has produced the Jeepers Creepers movies and has served as a “mentor” for Silva over the years).

Well, so what? Salva served his time, “paid his debt to society,” and hasn’t offended again (presumably). Shouldn’t he be allowed to make a living and continue living his life?

Yes, Salva did serve his time. Under the law, he has paid his debt to society. And he can’t be prevented from making a living. But should Salva be allowed to make movies? Should people continue to see and pay for his movies? Isn’t this one of those “separate the artist from the person” deals?

No, he shouldn’t. What he did was reprehensible, and how can he be trusted to not do something like what he did (and there’s no question about what he fucking did) again? He can’t. He’s a pedophile. He’s a child molester. They’re never “cured.” So why the hell would anyone want to associate with him again?

But what about Roman Polanski and Woody Allen? Hollywood and the world still thinks those two guys are okay. And no one said anything when Salva was allowed to make Peaceful Warrior or Rosewood Lane? Roman Polanski is a piece of shit rapist who drugged a 13 year old girl and then molested her. I’m assuming that Hollywood wants to continue to give him a pass because of the “murky” legal case brought against him and the whole Charles Manson thing, but none of that really changes anything about what Polanski did. He raped a 13 year old girl. As for Woody Allen, I have no idea why anyone wants to continue to give him a pass (he married his fucking adopted daughter. Who does that?). Maybe because the allegations are “just allegations?” I don’t know. But Allen is a piece of shit, too.

As for those other movies Salva directed and “no one gave a shit,” people did give a shit… I have no answer for that beyond “No one knew Salva made those movies in the first place.” I’d also suspect that most people in general had no idea those movies existed before looking at Salva’s imdb page. But that shouldn’t give anyone pause about whether or not Salva should get to make another Jeepers Creepers. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be making movies at all.

And the “art” argument? If Jeepers Creepers wasn’t terrible there might be some merit to that argument. Maybe. But that isn’t much of an argument to make. Salva didn’t rob a bank and accidentally kill his collaborator while running away from the police or some bullshit like that. He raped a child and filmed it.

So, for those of you out there hankering to see Jeepers Creepers 3, what’s the deal? Can you still support this movie knowing what Salva is?

Can you?

**

And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-Douchebag Hall of Famer Sean Hannity, for claiming that conservatives never picked on former First Lady Michelle Obama. Go ahead, read the story at the link and have a good laugh because, I can assure you, it will be one of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever experienced.

Sean is aware that pretty much everything he’s said on TV and the radio for the past fifteen years or so has been recorded and archived?

-The Henagar Drive-In in DeKalb County, Alabama, for refusing to show the upcoming Beauty and the Beast because it has a gay character in it. Yes, I know the owners of the drive-in are apparently Christians and all that, but what kind of business sense does it make to restrict yourself from making big money by refusing to show a movie that has a gay character in it? It doesn’t make any sense at all. And, fuck, why not just say something like “we couldn’t get the movie because we decided to show something else instead and wanted to give the community a chance to see something else because Beauty and the Beast will be playing everywhere else” instead of “We can’t show movies with fags!” Wouldn’t that have fixed whatever issue the drive-in owners had with Beauty and the Beast? Of course it would have. But then the owners wouldn’t be the latest “right wing culture warrior” martyrs, a very cool status to have once it’s been achieved.

Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with people?

The protestors at a recent Middlebury College event, for engaging in what amounts to violent conduct because they didn’t like the speaker. The protestors had every right to protest the college inviting Charles Murray, author of the racist tract The Bell Curve, but once Murray showed up he should have been allowed to give his speech about whatever the hell it was supposed to be about. If the protestors wanted to protest outside of the event, fine. If the protestors wanted to question Murray after he gave his speech (guest lecturers usually have a question and answer session after their talk), that would have been okay. If the protestors wanted to somehow get a guest lecturer to appear on campus at the same time as Murray, that would have been okay, too. But disrupting the event, creating chaos, etc. It all just leads to the wrong kind of news.

And, yes, I have read The Bell Curve and, yes, it is racist garbage. I have no idea why anyone would invite Murray to speak anywhere. But that shouldn’t prevent him from speaking at a college if he’s invited.

The woman who threw a glass at stand-up comedian John Caparulo during a recent show, for throwing a glass at Caparulo. It doesn’t matter why she threw the glass (for the record, Caparulo made a joke about President Trump, she got up to leave along with another woman because, I guess, they’re Trump supporters, and then Caparulo heckled them both a bit). If the woman wanted to yell at Caparulo, call him an asshole, give him the middle finger, all of that would have been okay. And while I would normally say that it’s not a good idea for a comedian to get into it with an audience member, the woman had no right to throw anything at anyone, especially a glass, which shattered and could have cut Caparulo and anyone near him at the front of the stage. What the hell is wrong with people?

**

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