The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Newspaper Comic Strip Edition
The 411mania Douchebag of the Week
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.
In this week’s edition, I’ve decided to take a look at the douchebags that exist in the comics section of the newspaper. As an avid newspaper consumer (I read four papers a day) I also read quite a few daily comic strips. I know that I can find all of the ones that I do read online, but, much like reading the news in an actual newspaper, reading a comic strip online is just not the same as reading it in an actual, physical newspaper. It’s the second thing I tend to read, after taking a look at the sports section, but on Sunday it’s the last thing I read because… I don’t know why, I just do. And one of my favorite things in the world is going somewhere new/somewhere I don’t go very often, buying the local paper, and seeing what comics that paper has in its comics section. It’s always neat to find and read something I’ve never heard of.
I’m also curious to see if the daily comics in the “new” paper are in black and white or if they’re in color. All of the ones I read daily are in color, but I’m still a fan of the daily black and white strip that’s in color on Sunday thing. To me, that’s how daily comics should be.
So, how many of you still enjoy reading daily comic strips in an actual newspaper? Are we a quickly dying constituency, or are there more of us out there than we know?
And now, without any further what have you, here are the top 5 newspaper comic strip douchebags.
But first, here are this week’s honorable mentions…
–Curtis Wilkins: Curtis, who appears in the comic strip Curtis by Ray Billingsley, is a kid with a vivid imagination and aspirations to be a horror writer. In fact, Curtis is all about horror and pop culture in general, as he tends to spend quite a bit of time at the movies watching horror movies and watching horror movies on TV (when he isn’t listening to rap music and annoying his father with that “rap junk”). He’s also an avid comic book reader (he’s always getting his comics taken from him by his teacher in class, which is messed up. Sure, he isn’t supposed to be reading comic books while in class, but Mrs. Nelson, Curtis’ teacher, shouldn’t take them). Curtis should be my hero. But he isn’t. Why?
Because he can’t stop being a little, clueless douchebag. He annoys his little brother Barry all of the time (and, yes, Barry is a little douchebag, too, but he’s just a little kid. He doesn’t know any better), he can’t stop pestering his father with “that rap junk” or lectures on the dangers of smoking, he doesn’t listen to his mother/treats his mother like garbage (every time she asks Curtis to do something Curtis loses his mind and carries on like a little douchebag. Just take the garbage out, man), and he doesn’t treat his friend Chutney all that well. Curtis’s biggest issue, though, is his ongoing infatuation with Michelle Grant, the slightly older rich girl that has zero interest in him.
Now, sure, it’s good for Curtis to have goals in life and aspirations, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with holding out hope for, maybe, one day, Michelle “liking” him, but that kind of hope can only look good for so long. Eventually, it just becomes sad. The girl isn’t in to you, Curtis. She doesn’t like you, feels you’re out of her league, so maybe it’s time to move on. And Curtis should move on. Michelle is a terrible person. Chutney is much better.
Will Curtis follow that advice, though? Doubtful. As long as he still sees Michelle smiling at him in his mind he’s still going to show up at her apartment and ask her to go out for pizza with him. And Michelle is going to tell him, again and again, to piss off.
Come on, Curtis, wake the hell up!
–Jeremy Duncan: Jeremy, who appears in Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman, is a 16 year old kid who does all of the things normally associated with 16 year old kids. And that’s why he’s on this list. He doesn’t listen to his parents, he’s loyal to his friends, and he does stupid shit damn near every day despite “knowing better.” I mean, look at the stuff he goes through with that van of his, like the time he threw hot water on a frozen windshield so he wouldn’t have to scrape the ice off of it. How did Jeremy not know that would happen?
And then there’s his bedroom. It’s a constant fucking disaster, filled with dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and God knows what else (anything could be under those piles of clothes). And what was the deal with painting the room all black that one time?
And then there’s Jeremy’s slack shouldered arrogance. Every time I see Jeremy with his hands in his pockets, or checking out his phone, or just standing around, with slack shoulders, I want to jump into the strip and punch the little douchebag in the face. Stop being so arrogant you little bastard!
I don’t know how Jeremy’s parents deal with his nonsense every day. Why they haven’t murdered him yet I’ll never know.
–Tiffany Farrell: Tiffany appears in the comic strip Luann by Greg Evans and Karen Evans and is just a terrible, terrible person. A selfish, arrogant, clueless young woman who seems to think that because she’s physically attractive that she can do and say whatever she wants. She’s constantly fighting with/annoying strip star Luann over stupid bullshit. You’d think that would have stopped after they both graduated high school but, no, Tiffany is still doing everything in her power to find ways to annoy Luann. Shouldn’t Tiffany get a job or find a rich husband who is really into spending money on hot chicks for no real reason?
I’m hoping that, one day, Tiffany figures out just how terrible she is. She probably won’t, though. And, man, I hope that Gunther stays the hell away from her. It won’t end well.
– Bucky B. Katt: Bucky appears in the hilarious strip Get Fuzzy by Darby Conley. Bucky is a perpetually weird cat who seems to be in constant conflict with everything around him. Does Bucky’s antagonism make any sense? Not really, but then that just seems to be Bucky’s natural state of existence. He’s a Yankees fan simply because his owner Rob is a Red Sox fan. Bucky is a conservative because Rob and Satchel are liberals. And Bucky is a proud American because Satchel the dog is Canadian. And, heck, Bucky is against Satchel in general simply because Satchel is a dog and Bucky is a cat. And that’s always bothered me.
Sure, there’s a “natural antagonism” between cats and dogs. Pop culture has shown the world that since the invention of pop culture. But Bucky lives with Satchel and Satchel considers Bucky his friend despite Bucky’s endless meanness. You’d think that Bucky would figure out that he shouldn’t be mean to his best friend in the whole world. And if you think back to that one time Satchel yelled at Bucky and threatened to smack him around a little that Bucky would have mellowed out by now. It hasn’t happened.
Come on, Bucky, figure it out. Stop being such a douchebag.
And now, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to Garfield, who has appeared in the comic strip Garfield by Jim Davis since 1978. Garfield has been around for nearly forty years and has been a relentless jerk the entire time. He treats his owner Jon Arbuckle like a piece of garbage, he’s constantly doing mean things/saying mean things about Odie the dog, and he doesn’t treat his girlfriend Arlene all that well, either.
Now, sure, there are some things that are kind of endearing about Garfield. He hates Mondays, he likes to sleep, his best friend is a teddy bear, and he’s keen on watching weird television. But why does Garfield have to be such a douchebag all of the time? It can’t be because he’s a cat. Arlene isn’t a douchebag. Nermal isn’t a perpetual jerk. So what the hell is Garfield’s excuse?
I’m just going to assume that Garfield is the way he is because no one ever went after him for his shortcomings in any real way. Arlene has taken him to task a few times, and Jon has let Garfield know that he doesn’t care for his meanness, and Odie has managed to get the upper hand a few times, but where is the sustained attacks on Garfield’s bullshit? I really think it’s high time someone went after him to see if he will change.
That’s why I have high hopes for Jon’s girlfriend Liz. Liz doesn’t take any of Garfield’s crap. If Jon and Liz ever get married, Liz may be able to straighten Garfield out.
I’m also not that fond of Garfield’s obsession with lasagna. Because lasagna is disgusting. Find a new favorite food, man. Find a new favorite food.
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