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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Trump Administration

May 15, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

I really don’t have a coherent, one subject intro to this week’s DBotW, so I’ll just briefly discuss two things about ongoing celebrity culture that just annoy me to now end.

ArielWinter

First off, someone is going to have to explain to me why I should care about actress Ariel Winter and her Instagram account and her apparent new penchant for wearing “revealing” clothing. It seems as though the scandal sheet celebrity gossip news media loses its mind over something Winter, who plays Alex Dunphy on Modern Family, takes a picture of herself wearing a skimpy bathing suit or dress and posts it on her Instagram account. Why is she doing this? Is her life spiraling out of control? How does this latest social media post make young girls feel? Is she being fat shamed by cyber bullies or is she showcasing a “pro-woman/body positive” message? First off, Winter is 19, an adult, and can wear whatever she wants and post whatever she wants on the internets. Second, why is it news if she wears a tight dress somewhere? Why does it matter? Is the scandal sheet celebrity news media afraid that Winter is going to become the latest Lindsay Lohan (you know, the former child star who, when she becomes an adult, goes on a permanent drug and booze bender and completely destroys her career)? I mean, if that is what the scandal sheet celebrity gossip news media is worried about, why not just come out and say it? And if everyone is supposed to be worried about what Winter is posting, why is the media telling everyone about it? The only people who know about it, before the endless coverage, are Winter’s social media followers. Isn’t the media aware that coverage could generate further interest in her “scandalous” behavior?

LenaDunham

And second, I’m also going to need someone to explain to me why I should care about Lena Dunham’s weight loss. Dunham is apparently now interested in exercise and fitness in order to help manage her personal health issues. I’ve already explained way more than I care to know. Why is any of this my business? Why do I need to know any of this, in any in depth way? If she goes to the hospital, has an issue, and she doesn’t die, how is it news? What am I missing here?

I think I have to stop watching Entertainment Tonight and looking at Page Six in the New York Post. If I stop doing those two things I’ll start to know even less of this stuff.

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

TheTrumpAdministration

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to The Trump Administration, for the Jim Comey firing debacle. I don’t know how else to describe it. The whole thing is a debacle. A clusterfuck. A goddamn mess.

The President decides to fire FBI director Jim Comey on Tuesday. It’s a bit of a shock because Comey is investigating the Trump administration over potential Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. The President can fire the FBI director because the FBI director, in essence, serves at the pleasure of the president. But why did Comey have to go now, after President Trump decided to keep him on after the transition from the Obama administration?

We don’t really know. The Trump administration released multiple explanations as to why Comey had to go now. At first, Comey was fired at the recommendation of the attorney general, Jeff Sessions, and deputy attorney general, Rod J. Rosenstein. Multiple presidential spokespeople came out and said that the President decided to act on the Attorney General’s recommendation. That was on a Tuesday. The next day, Wednesday, the story changed. The President had apparently asked his Justice Department for a sort of job appraisal of the FBI director. The President was thinking about firing Comey, but needed, perhaps, a little help in coming up with reasons. At the same time, when asked directly by a reporter as to why he fired Comey, the President said that Comey “wasn’t doing a very good job.” That was Wednesday. On Thursday, the President, in an interview with Lester Holt of NBC News, said that the decision to fire Comey was all his, he had planned to do it, and he was going to do it with or without any recommendation from the Justice Department. This was after multiple spokespeople plus Vice President Mike Pence said that the Comey firing was a result of the Justice Department recommendation.

And then, on top of all of that, the President said that the reason he decided to fire Comey was the Russian investigation. The Russian investigation?

What the hell is going on here?

Is this all part of a cover-up? I don’t know. Maybe? Is it just poor leadership? Maybe. The Trump administration has only been in office a few months and new administrations fuck things up all of the time. Or is it just the administration fucking around with the government? I guess it’s possible. The President insists he’s an outsider and what do outsiders do when they’re put in charge? They fuck around with stuff. So, I guess, that could be going on, too.

But why does it have to be this way? Why would an administration, that allegedly cares a great deal about how it is covered in the news media, engage in behavior that looks criminal, incompetent, and just plain stupid? If the president wanted to fire Comey, why keep him on board when he moved into the White House? And if he had wanted to fire Comey for months, why wait until now, when the Russia investigation is ongoing, Comey is testifying before Congress, and no one seems to know what the hell is going on? And why put out multiple explanations?

And why can’t the administration provide accuracy? Is it even going to try?

This whole thing is ridiculous. And stupid.

Why does it have to be this way? Why? What the fuck?

**

And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

The news media, for its coverage of recently fired FBI director Jim Comey going to the airport. What, exactly, did the news media think it was going to see as Comey was escorted to the airport via motorcade? Was he going to jump out of his limo and start smacking people? Was he going to steal a gun and take over the airplane? Did someone think Comey was going to perform a hurricanrana on someone? What was the point of this “news” coverage? Why didn’t the media just run file footage of Comey testifying before Congress, walking in the hallway, and then maybe just standing somewhere? What’s wrong with having that onscreen while the experts explain what’s going on, etc.?

Abby Lee Miller, the former host of the excruciating “reality” show Dance Moms, for her recent interview on Good Morning America regarding her upcoming prison stint. Why should anyone feel sorry for you, Abby? I know that prison sucks and the idea of being there is terrible, but why did you conceal $775,000 from the bankruptcy court? And what the hell do you mean by “I didn’t intentionally try to conceal the money”? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to say “Yes, I made a mistake, I’m going to pay for it with this upcoming time in prison, and I hope that, when I get out, I can get on with my life and make a positive mark on the world” or something similar?

And come on, Abby, you made a personal fortune marketing yourself as a jerk. Why would you think the public would look at you as something else?

-Douchebag Hall of Famer, former Douchebag of the Year, and 45th President of the United States (Jesus Christ), Donald Trump, for believing that he invented the phrase “priming the pump.” Oh, come on, man. Really? I heard that goddamn phrase in the early 1980’s when I first saw 9 to 5. You just came up with a phrase I heard over thirty fucking years ago?

The person that leaked the Steve Harvey memo, for leaking the Steve Harvey memo. The memo, which basically said that he needed his space when working because some people were taking advantage of his “open door” policy, wasn’t unreasonable. But the way everyone reacted to it was bonkers. And while Harvey said that he could have handled the memo and the situation a little better, he shouldn’t have had to apologize for anything (and thankfully he didn’t, at least he hasn’t done so that I’m aware of). The guy felt trapped in his life. Give him some space, man.

**

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