The 411 Douchebag of the Year 2016: The “Liberal” Media
The 411mania Douchebag of the Year for 2016
Hello, everyone, and welcome to The 411 Douchebag of the Year for 2016. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.
Well, here it is, Douchebag of the Year for 2016. Once again, it was a wild year of douchebaggery with plenty of people from all walks of life doing and saying incredibly stupid, terrible, and awful things, although, with 2016 being a big time election year, political people were in the news a little more than usual. So, yes, in a sense, this particular DBOTY is a little more political than it would likely be in, say, 2013 or something like that. It’s okay, though, as these things tend to happen from time to time. You may agree with my choice, and you may not. That, too, happens.
So, without any further what have you, here is the 411mania Douchebag of the Year for 2016.
The 411mania Douchebag of the Year for 2016 goes to The “Liberal” Media, for completely failing to do its job in 2016. That isn’t to say that the “liberal” media actually did its job in previous years, but 2016, as a whole, is a pretty galling example of just how the “liberal” media fails the world at damn near every turn. The “liberal” media’s biggest failure, of course, was the 2016 Presidential election.
As the election season started in the summer of 2015, the “liberal” media reported on the Trump candidacy as a major entertainment event. It didn’t matter in the least that Trump didn’t know what the hell he was talking about at every turn, both in interviews and in the primary debates, because Trump was fun. He was The Donald! He just says what’s on his mind! How refreshing! And look at the nicknames he comes up with for his opponents! How can the other sixteen or so candidates even deal with that onslaught? And the coverage was endless. Broadcast news, all of the 24 hour cable news channels, the newspapers, magazines, Trump all of the time. And ratings were up. Social media discussion was up. Everyone wanted to be in on the big news story of the coming year.
And then the primaries and caucuses started happening. And Trump started winning actual contests. He was beating actual politicians, sometimes by large margins. And he was still making shit up or lying his ass off and it didn’t matter. It was still fun! Little Marco and Lying Ted and Low Energy Jeb were all just losers. Trump was the man!
On the Democratic side, Senator Bernie Sanders was basically ignored by the “liberal” media, even when he won, and Senator Clinton was looked at with endless suspicion. Yes, there were oodles of stories about how Senator Clinton’s candidacy was historic and that it would be a pretty big goddamn deal if she won since she would be the first female President of the United States. But she was also a Clinton, beholden to big business and special interests and her husband had sex in the White House when he was President in the 1990’s. Scandal, scandal, scandal. And e-mails! What would she do about the e-mails? No one could explain what it was anyone was looking for in those e-mails, both the missing ones and the ones that were given to Congress. It was just a big scandal and, here we go again.
So the primaries ended and the conventions were over and we knew who the two major candidates were going to be and the bullshit continued. Trump was still a confusing mess of lies, distortions, and fabrications, but none of it mattered. He was still drawing huge crowds. And Clinton? It didn’t matter that every “scandal” that appeared fizzled out or went nowhere, there were still “questions.” Did she know what she was talking about? Well, sure, but the e-mails! Scandal! You couldn’t trust her!
The first general election debate happened and Trump was completely exposed but, again, it didn’t matter.
And then the Access Hollywood thing happened. Could Donald Trump be a rapist? It was at that moment that, suddenly, the “liberal” media started looking into who and what Donald Trump was. If he was a rapist, could he also be a liar and a fraud? Is he just talking out of his ass? Yes, yes he was talking out of his ass.
But the e-mails! The e-mails!
But everything was going to be okay. All of the polls showed that Clinton was going to win. The contests in the battleground states were basically within the margin of error, but it was obvious who was going to win. The “liberal” media finally figured out what the country and the world was dealing with. No one would be dumb enough to vote for Trump, eventhough Clinton was still a liar and owned by big business and her husband had sex in the White House and the Clinton name was synonymous with scandal.
In the end, guess what happened? It didn’t matter. Just enough people, in all of the right places, voted for the guy who was, is, and when his term eventually ends will still be, wholly unqualified.
So now the “liberal” media is going to be the country’s first line of defense against whatever it is the soon-to-be-in-office Donald Trump will throw at the world. And it won’t matter. No one will be paying attention. The country will “give him a chance to lead” and “hope for the best” while everything goes to shit. And it will be the “liberal” media’s fault because the “liberal” media hates America and “real” Americans.
Good job, “liberal” media. Good job indeed.
And now for 2016’s honorable mentions…
-Douchebag Hall of Famer, former Douchebag of the Year, current President-Elect and soon to be (Jesus Christ) President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, for saying things that can’t possibly be true. Check out this recent story and ask yourself “Where have I seen this kind of thing before?” President Obama’s birth certificate investigation by “his people” in Hawaii. The press conference that was going to expose the women accusing him of sexual misconduct as liars. The big press conference that was going to show everyone how he was going to divest himself of his business interests to avoid any appearance of a conflict of interest. None of that shit happened. What could Trump possibly know that no one else knows?
–2015 Douchebag of the Year Jared Fogle, for failing to simply disappear. The disgraced and disgraceful Fogle is appealing his prison sentence and is trying to make it seem like what he did was no big deal or just some big misunderstanding. Bull fucking shit. You’re a pedophile, motherfucker. You’re a child rapist. Just go away. You’ve destroyed far too many lives, man. Far too many.
And what is this “I’m the real victim here because the children I had sex with are awful people” shit? What the fuck?
-Actor/writer/director/podcaster Lena Dunham, for continuing to be insufferable. My hope is that once her horrible HBO show Girls ends she will stop being “important.” But then she’ll probably score a few movie deals and then… oh, man, she’ll still be “important.” That’s depressing as fuck. Goddamit.
-Douchebag Hall of Famer and former head of Fox News Roger Ailes, for being a serial sexual harasser. Just go ahead and read the story, in case you weren’t paying attention back when he was exposed to be a serial sexual harasser, and then shake your head at how terrible the man who used to be the most powerful man in cable news was, is, and likely always will be.
And then read the first part of this story. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
-Former Congressperson Anthony Weiner, for getting caught sexting again. When will it stop? Based on his history, it looks like it may never stop. Get help, man. Get help.
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