Movies & TV / Columns

The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Casino Royale

January 2, 2017 | Posted by Caliber Winfield

manmovieheader
Greetings, all.

Hope you funky cats had a nice Christmas, New Years, and all that business. I spent both of those things at the gym, as God intended, and it was glorious as all hell. I was far more busy than I expected last week, and kept putting off writing the article, thinking I’d get an extra 4-5 hours to make the magic happen, but never did. Anyway, I thought I’d make it up to you guys by running the first ever Bond film for the Man Movie Encyclopedia. It’s long over due, really, because who the hell is burlier than Bond?

mmecrheader

We open up with Bond earning his stripes, killing an agent who is selling secrets to the baddies. We flash back to when he killed the guy’s contact, which happened to be in a men’s bathroom, the last motherfucking place I’d EVER want to fight someone.

[Caliber Bond is tussling with baddie, they fall on the floor, Caliber jumps up, immediately]
Caliber Bond: Ah, fucking gross! Dude, dude, time-fucking-out! Gross! We fucking landed on the floor of a men’s bathroom, man! Now I gotta burn this sweet outfit, which really chaps my hide because these shorts were on sale at Wal-Mart! You don’t just find Champion shorts like this!.
Evil Agent: [points over by a toilet] Your gun, you even gonna try and grab it?
Caliber: [looks] Ah, FUCKING GROSS! Dude, it’s in a puddle of toilet water! Hell no, that’s yours, man. I’d rather be shot in the gut and have to recover in a hospital that only played The Big Bang Theory on it’s TVs before touching that! Man…can’t we go fight in an operating room or something? I mean, at least a place that has some hand sanitizer on the walls, something….

After all that, we see Bond chase down a guy for something that’s yet to be revealed, and the chase is honestly nothing short of the greatest of all time. I say that with zero exaggeration. It’s fucking AMAZING. The cat he’s chasing is proficient in parkour, and bounces around all through out a construction site like it’s nothing, while Bond does his best to keep up. If you haven’t seen it, pull it up on youtube, because it’s un-fucking-believeable. Bond follows the guy to an embassy where he nabs him, then narrowly escapes after getting what he came for, a cellphone with a password. He later breaks into M’s house in order to use her computer to access MI6’s tracking software, and fronts like he showed up to apologize to M. He finds that the phone with the password had an incoming text from some where in the Bahamas.
While there, he finds out the guy who sent it is a local, big time gambler. He ends up playing a few rounds of No Limit Hold’Em with the guy, taking his car after the loss of a big bet. Then Bond gives his hot wife a ride to his place, and then a ride to Pound Town. However, just as things are getting amorous, he finds out the dude took a flight to Miami, so Bond basically tells the girl to put her titties on ice, he’ll be back. Once in Miami, he tracks the guy down, disposes of him, then finds who the guy was suppose to meet, a no good-knick of sorts who is helping to blow up a brand new piece of aircraft at the Miami Airport that was due to unveil today. Again, we have another phenomenal chase that mostly takes place on a fuel truck, as it races towards the aircraft, with Bond hanging on the side of it, doing his best to get in the cab and introduce the driver to the business end of the business end.

mmecasinobadguy

We learn that the guy behind all of this is a cat named La Chief, a banker to a lot of big name bad guys in the world, and he’s been trying to raise funds to play in a very high-stakes poker game. One of the ways was spending their money on the stock market, and manipulating it via blowing shit up. Well, Bond cock-blocked the shit out of that plan.

mmecasinogirl

MI6 want to nab this guy because of all of his connections, so they put Bond in the game, with a cool $10 mill, and a female traveling companion, who is to pose as his wife. I like that, but I’d insist on choosing who my wife was, and I’d end up being caught….

Caliber Bond: This is my wife, Elle.
Bad Guy: Uh….Elle, you said?
Caliber: Yup. She’s a writer.
[bad guy walks over to another bad guy]
Bad Guy 1: OK, he’s a spy, or something…
Bad Guy 2: What makes you say that?
Bad Guy 1: Dude, he just introduced me to his wife that he said was a writer, but it’s Phoenix Marie.

We get to the card game, and Bond loses for a while to learn La Chief’s tell. When there’s an intermission, La Chief heads up stairs, only to get jumped by some of the guys whose money he stole. He promises them 24 hours until he gets it back. However, they have a run in with Bond when they leave La Chief’s hotel room, and they won’t be able to get the wire transfer from BOA, because they’re DOA! Oh shit, no wonder I get paid the big bucks. They have it out in the stairwell, with Bond killing them both. He returns to the table later that night, and loses every dime he has to La Chief, after thinking he knew how to play the guy. His companion won’t allow him access to the other $5 mill, because chicks are dumb enough to think that just because we lost $10 mill, we’re gonna lose another 5. Pssh. Read a book.

mmecasinogame

However, he’s fortunate enough to meet a guy from the CIA who also happens to be at the table. He stakes James, with the deal being that the CIA gets to bring him in if all goes well. As the game gets going, James has a drink, only to instantly discover he’s been poisoned. He rushes out to his car where he gets the ol’ life saving kit that you get from Wal-Mart, with has the portable de-fibs and anti-poisons. He calls up MI6, and they take him through the procedure of saving his life. It’s fucking awesome. However, that’s not something I imagine they’d want me to have access to.

[alert comes over the MI6 Agent Monitoring Room]
MI6 Agent: Who is it?!
MI6 Agent 2: It’s Caliber!
MI6 Agent: Patch him in, he’s already used up both Morphine pens and is attaching the de-fib paddles! He must have been hit by a bomb or something!
[Caliber is patched in]
MI6 Agent 2: Caliber, what is it?! Please, tell us so we can help you!
Caliber: ARGH! I stubbed my FUCKING TOE!
MI6 Agent: What?! Caliber, you’ve used all of these resources, because you stubbed your toe?! You’re joking, right?!
Caliber: NO! It was the pinky….ARGH!…and it was RIGHT on the steel portion of the …oh FUCK this hurts…bedframe, and dude, it’s cold in here!

So, Bond comes back to life, where he then re-enters the game and beats La Chief. Afterwards, his female counterpart, Vesper, is kidnapped, which leads to him also being captured and the discovery that Mathis, the cat from the CIA, is actually with La Chief. What comes next is….well…interesting to say the least. They put Bond in a chair with the seat cut out, after they remove his clothes. La Chief then gets a thick rope with a knot tied at the end, and swings it right into Bond’s 007. Fucking brutal, dude. But, taking a page out of my book, Bond doesn’t front. He tells la Chief to hit him in a certain spot, so he can then say that La Chief died while scratching his balls. Pretty awesome. It’s at this point that a character named Mr. White, who was with La Chief at the beginning, and is one of the many terrorist-esq people he deals with, shows up and kills him for fucking with the money.
Bond gets set up in a hospital, and actually quits MI6, as he’s fallen in love with Vesper, and decides to be a total idiot and quit being a bad-ass for something as lame, and fleeting as love. C’mon! He gets the money transferred into his account, which he soon has to hand over to the treasury, the company that fronted it to him. While at a hotel, Vesper says he’s gonna dip out for a minute, and once she does Bond gets a call from M, and we learn that Vesper is actually ganking him for all the loot. He runs after her to get it back, killing all of her accomplices. Once he gets close to her, she ends up committing suicide. Turns out she had a boyfriend, and he was kidnapped by the group behind La Chief. They said they’d kill her, if she didn’t turn double agent. So, she did. We also discover that the night Mr. White showed up and killed La Chief, she made a deal with him, spare Bonds life and he gets the money.
Before heading back to MI6, Bond hunts down Mr. White and finishes the job.

MAN MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA TALLY:
1-Liners: 1
Guys Beat-Up: 4
Guys Killed: 14
Swear Words: 0
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 2
Slow-Motion Scenes: 3
Chases: 3
Broken Bones: 0
Guy Get Girl: Of course.
Guy Smoke: No.
Hotel Shoot-Out/Fight: Yes

1-LINERS:
[Bond was poisoned, but returns to the game]
Bond: Sorry, that last hand almost killed me.
MAN-FACTS:
The sweet chase scene from the beginning took a total of 6 weeks to film.
This was the first Bond film to be based on an actual Ian Fleming novel in 27 years, the last being Moonraker.
This is the first Bond film since Dr. No to not feature naked girls in the opening credits, which was done on purpose, as Bond isn’t really Bond until the end of the film.
BOX OFFICE BUSINESS:
Released by Sony on November 17th, 2006, to 3,434 theaters. Casino Royale was created on a budget of $150 million dollars, and opened up at #2, with a theater average of $11,890, and a first weekend total of $40,833,156. After it’s run, Casino Royale ended up with a world wide total of $599,045,960.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
This was the first Bond film I’d ever seen, and needless to say, it set the bar insanely high. So high in fact, I’ve never seen a better one. I love the sweet black & white intro, which is immediately followed by one of the greatest on-foot chases ever, your standard awesome locations, hot chicks, really well done action scenes along with gambling, poisoning, drinking, and flat-out awesomeness. Fuck yeah.
5 Head-Butts Out Of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
Twitter: @CaliberWinfield
Instagram: @CaliberWinfield
I post almost daily with workout related stuff to help you cats out, along with what’s coming down the pike via the MME, and general pop culture from the 80s and 90s that I can’t seem to let go of.
Email:[email protected]
If you just can’t wait until next week, you can also find me at these fine places:
The Man Movie Encyclopedia: The Hall of Burly – Vol. 1 – A collection of the first 19 MME articles written for 411. You get all the classics like Commando, Robocop, and Die Hard, not to mention bad-assery such as Point Break and They Live. Beyond that, you also get two new articles. My Top 5 favorite action movies, and what I believe to be the Top 5 most over-the-top scenes in action movie history. I won’t lie, it’s the greatest self=help/martial arts instruction book of all time.

My Summer Vacation At Camp Crystal Lake – My brand new ebook that’s become so popular it’s charting on the album sales charts. I cover the Friday The 13th franchise in Man Movie Encyclopedia fashion, followed up by a few list-based articles, chronicling my favorite kills, moments from the franchise, and a few other subjects. $3 via amazon, or simply email me and get it for $2, either way, it’ll probably change your life.

Caliber Winfield On The Facebook –
Anything new that I do you guys can find here. Last I checked I was at 54 likes, which is pretty fucking solid in my book. However, I saw Joe Lee and A Bloody Good Time were over 110. C’mon now, we can’t let them beat us, can we?!

GeeksFitness.com –
Just a place where I talk about what’s going on the super-awesomely sweet part of my life that is bodybuilding/powerlifting/MMA.

Mercy Is For The Weak Podcast –
Along with my co-host, we cover everything from movies, music, TV, video games and pop-culture, to pro-wrestling, and all things burly. We’re on hiatus at the moment, but there’s a decent catalog to go through.

All Things Caliber –
I merged my wrestling website into my long standing website that’s been up for over 6 years. Anything under the sun, I’ve written about it.

comments powered by Disqus