Loop Diggin’ Thursdays, News & Rants 2.23.06
I don’t know about you, but with Big Pun’s and J-Dilla’s deaths and Big L’s murder, February has become one depressing month! Come to think of it, it seems that ever since January, I never got to end a column without mentioning somebody that I like passing away. So I decided to find a way to lighten the mood a bit.
Just recently, I got to reading R.D. “Wrestlecrap.com” Reynolds’ book, THE DEATH OF WCW. Yeah, I used to be a wrestling fan back in the day…until the moment where they decided to do that “Kane fucked a dead bitch” storyline and gave the world title belt to Bush-loving Bradshaw, I just threw up my hands and gave up.
So…what does that shit have to do with Hip-Hop? Well, I got to the chapter where Eric Bischoff decided to toss some money around and bring in some celebrities to bring their ratings back up, and one of them happen to be…
MASTER P AND THE NO
TALENT LIMIT SOLDIERS!
I tried to e-mail RD in hopes of trying to get him to induct the Master P angle into the Wrestlecrap Hall of Shame, right along with Dennis Rodman, Fake-ass Undertaker, Brutus “The BOOTY MAN” Beefcake, Hulk Hogan’s acting career , The Gobbledy Gooker, The Ultimate Warrior comic (where he strips Santa Claus naked!), and the aforementioned Kane-fucks-a-dead-bitch story, but I got no response. So, like the saying goes, ‘If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself‘’…
As a warning, forgive me if I sound like I’m on some Scott Keith wrestling smart/mark shit. Plus, unlike Wrestlecrap.com, I don’t have any soundclips or pictures to go along with it. Now, let’s hop aboard THE WAY-BACK MACHINE…set to 1999!!!
MASTER P AND THE NO LIMIT SOLDIERS:
WCW was just losing its grip on the ratings war against the WWF. After two years of WCW slaughtering the WWF in the ratings by using guys the WWF tossed out (Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, etc.), WWF used that same tactic against them and used guys WCW tossed out (Austin, Mick Foley, HHH, Jericho, Benoit, Guererro) to kill WCW. Bischoff is scrambling to find some way to bring the ratings back up, whether it’s giving away Pay-Per-View matches on free TV, shoving the NWO down our throats some more (despite the fact that people were getting sick of it)…and of course, bringing in celebrities.
On the June 7, 1999 episode of WCW NITRO (the same episode that featured that “white Humvee crashing into Kevin Nash’s limo” incident), Eric Bischoff made it public to the WCW audience that MASTER P will be showing up on WCW TV!
Now, to the uninitiated:
Master P is perhaps THE SHITTIEST RAPPER TO EVER PICK UP A MICROPHONE! He has a habit of coming up with the shittiest catchphrases known to man, like “Bout it bout it”, “Wooble Wooble”, “HOODY HOOO”, and “UUUUUGH!” Yes, “UUUUUGH!” is an actual Master P catchphrase which he actually made a song out of (“Make ‘em Go UUUUUGH!”). On top of that, he has a habit of rhyming over beats that sound like someone hooked it up in 5 minutes on some shitty Casio keyboard that they bought at Walgreen’s, cramming his CD’s with 20-30 songs (with only 1-2 passable songs and everything else being FILLER), and always has problems keeping up with his own tempo. On top of that, he is the leader of a rap crew called the NO LIMIT SOLDIERS, the shittiest collective of rappers ever assembled. This crew includes such luminaries such as Master P’s brothers Silkk The Shocker (who sounds like he studders on every song he’s in) and C-Murder (who is currently in jail for MURDER!). The crew also includes Mystical (who’s currently a convicted RAPIST), Mia X (some fat chick), Lil’ Romeo (Master P’s little brat son) and Snoop Doggy Dog, who was pretty much a parody of himself at this point of his career. Now, if the only decent member of your crew is a past-his-prime, over-the-hill Snoop Dogg, then let’s face it—YOUR CREW SUCKS!!!
Before Master P’s arrival was announced, Eric Bischoff tried to slowly build up a rap angle by hiring DJ RAN, who would spin some tunes for the lovely Nitro Girls to shake their asses to. Problem is, it became evident that DJ Ran was given the down-our-throats push, as he was given lots of TV time, and fans took notice. The fact that he REPEATEDLY shouted catchphrases that came straight out of THE ANNOYING MIXTAPE DJ HANDBOOK (“DJ RAN IS UP IN YOUR AREA!”) didn’t help either.
Another problem with this whole thing is that wrestling fans have been inundated with lousy attempts at mixing Hip-Hop with wrestling for years, like PN News, Men On a Mission, and other losers that suck so bad that they make John Cena sound like LL Cool J in his PRIME! This angle did nothing more than to remind people of all that bullshit…only this time, they got an actual shitty rapper instead of a shitty wrestler trying to be a shitty rapper.
However, there was one man who would NOT take any of this shit sitting down…
CURT “MR. PERFECT” HENNIG!
Curt Hennig (who will be referred to as Mr. Perfect from here on in) was constantly complaining about DJ Ran playing all that rap shit and even confronted DJ Ran a few times about it. All this was building up to…
THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH Pay-Per-View 1999!
Master P and the No Limit Soldiers made their debut in this PPV. Percy Miller (Master P’s real name) and his dipshit crew were walking down the hall when suddenly, Mr. Perfect approached them, acting like a fan. Master P then gave him one of his autographed CD’s. Then, in a move that forever made Mr. Perfect a LEGEND, he took the CD and BROKE IT IN HALF RIGHT IN MASTER P’S FACE!! If more Hip-Hop fans did THAT whenever an artist comes out with a shitty CD, these morons would actually be forced to step their game up and PUT OUT BETTER MUSIC!!
During the middle of the PPV, DJ Ran introduced Master P and the No Limit Soldiers to the…silent crowd. P and the gang got front row seats just in time to watch the next match: Konnan & Rey Mysterio vs. Mr. Perfect & Bobby Duncan, Jr. Perfect & Duncan came down the ramp with their hilarious country song, “RAP IS CRAP” to piss off Master P and his boys some more. Then Konnan and Rey Mysterio came down wearing these RIDICULOUS GAS MASKS!! For one, it’s obvious that these guys, in an attempt to look HARD, had no earthly idea of how STUPID they look! Number two, we all know that most WCW PPV’s around this time period were pretty much hot garbage. It’s as if the fine people running WCW were actually admitting it themselves by having Konnan and Rey-Rey walk down the ramp looking like someone is about to hit them with a biological attack! During the course of the match, Konnan and Rey get some help from Master P’s bodyguard, SWOLL (God…I cannot say that name without laughing), making it so that Rey can nail Duncan for the win.
As an aside: the PPV also featured Sting getting attacked by DOGS, Roddy Piper STILL trying to wrestle despite the fact that he could barely move, and Kevin Nash (who WASN’T killed by that Humvee incident after all) wrestling an ancient Randy Savage only to get taken out by a returning Sid Vicious (who was booted from WCW years ago for stabbing Arn Anderson with a pair of scissors for real! No, really.)
On NITRO, the following night (June 14, 1999), they show Master P at a press conference in Washington, DC, talking about how he’s gonna make WCW more “BOUT IT-BOUT IT” and “ROWDY ROWDY” than it is. During this press conference, Mean Gene Okerlund actually says, “I miss my Homies!” Now, many wrestling fans thought that this was just Gene making an embarrassing attempt at being DOWN with all the shitty rappers that were popping up in WCW like weeds. Little did they know, Gene just did a reference to a shitty Master P song called “I REALLY MISS MY HOMIES”, where P took one of my favorite songs from The O’Jays, “I Really Miss You, Brandy”, and urinated on it, turning it into another “my boy got shot and I feel sad-BOO-HOO-HOO” song. The video for the song also featured Silkk the Shocker showing off his blinking tattoo, and the appearance of a 2Pac look-alike that DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE 2PAC! One of the announcers, Mike Tenay, had the gall to say that Master P promotes POSITIVE MESSAGES to today’s youth! Yes, because nothing says “POSITIVITY” like selling CRACK from an ICE CREAM TRUCK!
As a side note: This was also the episode where Rena “Sable” Mero, hot off of suing Vince McMahon for a couple hundred million dollars for SEXUAL HARASSMENT, shows up in the audience and the announcers made a big deal out of it, as if she was going to join WCW or something. In reality, she just sat there bored and shit. That’s it. And that would be the last time anyone ever saw her…until she came back to the WWF around 3-4 years later, playing Vince McMahon’s…mistress. Stupid bitch.
On the June 21 episode of Monday NITRO, 15,000 people showed up to watch Master P and the Gang show up at the Superdome in his home town of New Orleans. Master P had bragged that since he’s from New Orleans, his mere presence would make that building sell out. The building holds 55,000 people. You do the math. From there,
the crowd was subjected to Master P performs his…uh…smash hit, “Hoody Hoo”, from his TRU album, DA CRIME FAMILY. First, off, the beat sounds like they tried to play the Michael Myers/Halloween theme song on some cheap-ass keyboard. Now just in case I haven’t hammered it in enough that Master P is perhaps the shittiest rapper to ever touch a microphone, here is his verse from that song:
4 or 5 hummers, Burban, Jag for the summer
SS sittin 20′s but I ain’t no muthafuckin stunter
Grab the gat, where they at, rat-tat-tat-tat
I represent the 3rd ward
You a rookie, I’m a vet, you the captain, I’m the crunch
You got that dinner, I got the lunch, hit the weed, pass the blunts
Your eyes red, you got the munchies
How you like me now, gold teeth when I smile
Try to take me out the ghetto but I’m still buckwild! HOODY HOOOO!!
After that, he actually used up the time to get in the ring, and give Silkk the Shocker a BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Yeah, like that won’t make people turn the station to watch the Val Venis vs. Steve Blackman. By the way, this was the same episode where Eddie Guerrero had to take all kinds of painkillers just to make his in-ring comeback after a car accident almost KILLED him…a mistake that cost him his life last year. And for his trouble, his comeback was treated as an afterthought. After all, Master P was more important!
Master P realized that he needs some wrestlers to help him fight the eeeevil forces of Mr. Perfect and his crew, the West Texas Rednecks. These were the unfortunate souls that were drafted into the No Limit army:
KONNAN: as if one shitty rapper wasn’t enough. The artist formerly known as MAX MOON (where Konnan looked like a walking ribbed condom) had been annoying people for months with his shitty attempts at rappin’ and his garbage videos, so he was a perfect fit. Years after WCW’s demise, he’s still annoying people with his shitty raps, joining up with other wrestlers trying to be shitty rappers, Ron “K-Kwik/The Truth” Killins, and the Road Dogg, who’s the brother of….
BRAD ARMSTRONG: Poor guy. No matter what he did, he was always in the shadow of his brother the Road Dogg. It didn’t matter that he was a better wrestler than Road Dogg (even in wrestling, skills mean nothing). Shit got even worse when Vince Russo (who left the WWF) took over as WCW writer and made him copy the Road Dogg in every way possible. Sometimes, it just doesn’t pay to get up in the morning.
SWOLL: Swoll was a big black guy with no talent, no skill, no nothing. But he was big, which was enough of a reason for most wrestling companies to hire people (right, Mark Henry?). Nothing was heard from him after this No Limit angle was swept under the rug…except that he was in the news because he wasn’t paying up on his child support. This despite the fact that WCW was paying his ass $400,000 a year! Stupid muthafucka.
REY MYSTERIO: Poor guy. WCW made one of the biggest mistakes of its existence by forcing Rey Mysterio to take off his mask at SuperBrawl ‘99. Bischoff thought that removing his mask would make him more…MARKETABLE. So we have Rey, who looks like a 12-year-old, trying to be a mini-thug, running around with Konnan’s wack ass. And this is supposed to be ‘marketable’ in what way exactly? They put him with No Limit, probably thinking this would bring his stock up even more. It didn’t. After No Limit was gone, he still pal’d around with Konnan until WCW shut its doors. Thankfully, Rey was the luckiest of these four, as he’s had a decent career in the WWF years later, regaining his mask, and his dignity.
For the next several weeks, the No Limit Soldiers and the West Texas Rednecks would fight each other in various tag matches…until WCW dropped the angle real quick. You see…they were paying Master P over $200,000 PER APPEARANCE to get him over as a hero and bring in new fans. The total opposite happened, as Mr. Perfect, who was supposed to be the villain in this angle, was actually CHEERED for his actions (not to mention, his “RAP IS CRAP” song actually got lots of spins on some country stations), and with over 10 or so No Limit Soldiers and only 4 Rednecks, fans looked at him as THE UNDERDOG! Meanwhile, Master P, the Hero, didn’t get over at all. In the end, Master P walked out with over $1 Million dollars for wasting everyone’s time.
Even though Master P left, his stench still lingered around until the death of WCW. Kevin Nash still told the audience that NWO Wolfpac was “BOWDY BOWDY-ROWDY ROWDY!”, Rey Mysterio continued to scream “HOODY HOOO!!”, Scott Steiner tells all the ladies that he’s “GOT THE HOOK-UP! HOLLER IF YOU HEAR ME!!”, and Booker T reminded all the haters in the audience “DON’T HATE THE PLAYER–HATE THE GAME!!”
As for Master P’s career, he would try to join the NBA after his failed WCW run…and he bombed there just as badly. He recently tried to show up on the “Dancing with the Stars” show, only to get outshined by another former WCW employee…Stacy Kiebler. He continued to put out more and more shitty records, but by this time, no one cared about his ass no more! Even his own fans have forgotten he ever existed!
In other words, he fell the fuck off!
The moral of this story: It pays to know your limitations sometimes…
…and don’t be wack piece of shit. That’s important, too!