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Music 3R’s 03.24.12: Sex Tape Edition

March 24, 2012 | Posted by Nick Krenn

Hello, I’m Nick Krenn, and I’m bringing you the newest edition of the most impolite 411mania column, Music 3R’s, where I examine the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous in music, not to be confused with the excellent Love/Hate News Report written by John Downey. This week he introduced me to One Direction, and I headed one direction to the bathroom so that I could vomit. And let me throw out one more John Downey plug. His latest Own It or Disown It is a good fit for many of 411’s readers. John discusses The Dillinger Escape Plan with Mike Patton’s Irony Is A Dead Scene. Does John think it’s still good? Read HERE to find out. Also, be sure to read Chris Bell’s column, Ten Deep, where he checks out the best songs about cities. Unfortunately some of the 411mania readers think Alabama is a city, and those same readers are from Alabama. Both Chris and John write for Earbuddy.net, a music site that I run outside of 411mania. Be sure to check it out.

When I’m not disparaging the careers of mainstream musicians in this column, I’m writing 411mania’s least appreciated column, Major Bands, Minor Labels. I’ve changed the format up from what I was doing. If you want to download some free tunes, I think you’ll appreciate the changes.

Let’s look at some R’s!

Tulisa Does The Unthinkable

By now everyone has heard of the controversial sex tape involving X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos giving an ex-boyfriend a blow job. Of course, there was the usual back and forth of whether the girl in the video was actually her. And of course we received the usual PR written statement: This tape is 100 per cent fake and is just someone trying to cash in on her X Factor role. Tulisa has categorically never allowed anyone to film her having sex. She is horrified that someone would go to the extreme lengths of fabricating a video. It is absolutely not her.

Well, unlike other people that have tried to deny away their own sex tapes, Tulisa has come forward and admitted that the tape was, in fact, her giving head to ex-boyfriend, Justin Edwards. Check out Tulisa’s confession and her take on the whole story below.

Mucho respect for Tulisa admitting to the video and being honest, that’s a rarity in itself in an industry run by public relations companies. Also, her video accomplishes making this Justin Edwards guy a scumbag and rightfully so. Most people tend to obsess over the video rather than actually breaking it down as one person in the relationship was an absolute ass and released the video as a way of exploitation and seeking a quick payday.

Jack White Is A Man of His Word

Unlike most rappers that retire, Jack White told NME that The White Stripes will never reform, unless he and Meg were to both go bankrupt. However, since the guy has two other bands, a burgeoning solo career, and his own record label, I’d say that he probably has money coming in stacks these days.

Here’s what he had to say on the chance of a reunion: I would probably say absolutely not. Absolutely no chance. I couldn’t see any reason to ever do that. I’m not the kind of person that would retire from baseball and come out of retirement the next year. I mean, if we went to all the trouble of telling people we’re done, we meant it you know? If we were forced to change our mind about that, I can only imagine the reason being if we went bankrupt or really needed the cash, which would be a really sad thing. I would probably be issuing an apology along with the announcement of the show dates.

I wanted Meg to come to a decision with me and officially put an end to it. I said eventually – I had no plans at the time – but eventually I’m going to record by myself under my name, and I don’t really feel like going through the dumb perception battle of people who couldn’t be broad minded enough to understand the difference between Jack White and The White Stripes.

I respect White’s decision here. He’s moving on from that point in his life, and there’s really no need to revisit The White Stripes. They had a good run, it’s over, move on to the next project. I’m not sure what Meg White’s doing, but I don’t think anyone cares anyway. I’m digging Jack White’s new solo material, and I can just throw on a White Stripes disc if I need a fix from his original band. Everyone else should move on as well. You did it so easily for Neutral Milk Hotel.

Drugs Found In Whitney Houston

In news that probably shocked no one other than Whitney’s own mother, Cissy, drugs were found in Whitney Houston’s system at the time of her death. While accidental drowning was ruled as the official cause of death, officials are speculating that Houston could have had a heart attack brought on by a cocktail of drugs that included cocaine, marijuana, Xanax, Flexeril (muscle relaxer) and Benadryl (allergy medication). The cocaine use could have resulted in Houston’s heart attack by hardening her arteries.

Houston’s mother was shocked to learn the news and believes Whitney likely relapsed due to the pressure of a comeback. The cocaine use likely began again as the Grammys were getting closer. The Houston family released the following statement after learning the news.

We are saddened to learn of the toxicology results, although we are glad to now have closure.

A PR group representing everyone else in America also released a statement regarding the toxicology results.

Yeah, we thought so.

Finally, we can put this whole thing behind us…until Ray J releases the sex tapes that he says don’t exist. My question is, does anyone really want to see a sex tape of a drug induced, age-weathered Whitney Houston? Maybe Whitney Houston from The Bodyguard would be acceptable, but this would be just for odd curiosity.

Miley Handicapped

Apparently Miley Cyrus’ workouts are just so intense that she has to pre-park her vehicle in the handicap spot. Miley was recently photographed leaving her pilates class in West Hollywood to enter her vehicle parked in a handicap zone. Check out the photos below.

How dare she take away a space from a disabled person needing to get to their pilates class. Does she think she’s famous or something?

Rihanna’s Late Night Booty Call…It Wasn’t Chris Brown

All you people (including me) making a big deal about Rihanna and Chris Brown getting back together could have been wrong. The singer was recently spotted showing up at Ashton Kutcher‘s home just before midnight without security guards. Then she left around 4 AM in her chauffeured car. No details have been released as to why she was there, but I’m sure we can all make assumptions, right?

Below is an image from Egotastic, an excellent site that AJ Grey seems to feature quite a bit when he needs booty pictures.

In other Rihanna news, she’s being called a phony by both Gene Simmons and Tommy Lee. Both of the dinosaurs are trying to spark interest for their new collaborative tour. Singing clown Gene Simmons said the following: We’re sick and tired of girls getting up there with dancers and karaoke tapes in back of them. No fake bullshit. Leave that to the Rihanna, Shimiana and anyone else who ends their name with an ‘a’.

Tommy Lee added: No disrespect to Rihanna, she’s a great singer, but we’re in a slump for some shit that has some personality and appeal beyond a bunch of pop stuff that’s floating around out there. I’m glad he said that actually because I don’t think i can bear watching another fucking award show that is just a little bit better than ‘American Idol.’ It’s fucking pathetic to watch people go out and fucking karaoke with a bunch of lights and video. It’s all completely watered down.

Since this is the Sex Tape edition, I should note that both men have had sex tapes released. Although I don’t know if you’d want to classify what Simmons was doing as sex – more like a senior citizen slowly going through the motions. Enjoy that ladies. Hopefully our readers’ moms won’t be subjected to it during the upcoming tour. And of course, Tommy Lee had the most infamous sex tape at one time. I never got the Pamela Anderson appeal though. I’ll take One Night In Paris over Anderson any day.

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And that does it for this week. If you want to chat about the stories I covered here, follow me on Twitter @earbuddy or leave me some comments below. Let me know where this column falls under the 3R’s – meaning for you to rate it as Right, wRong, or Ridiculous. I promise to change nothing. Also, be sure to read my other indie-music oriented column Major Bands, Minor Labels on 411mania. And especially don’t forget to check out the great writing at my music site Earbuddy, outside of 411mania for greatindie music reviews. Thank you for reading the Music 3R’s.

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Nick Krenn

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