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Music’s 3 Rs 12.03.12: The “30’s The New ‘20’” Edition

December 3, 2012 | Posted by Sean Comer

Welcome, Babies, to my personal weekly bully pulpit for all the news and cries of “Bullshit!” from the world of music. If it’s Sunday – and even with Phoenix’s brazen nose-thumbing at Daylight Savings Time, I’m still pretty sure it is – then this is Music’s 3 R’s, I’m Sean, you’re not, and since I’ve got 30 candles on a cake to blow out today and this mess was like this when I got here, let’s dive in and start swimming with one of the more biased “Right” entries I’ll ever commit.

The Game says it’s his birthday … Happy birthday to you, forget the traffic ticket:
Yep. They’re classics for a reason – namely, because they work.

According to TMZ, ex-G-Unit rapper The Game called a pretty storied, trite improve audible Thursday when an LAPD officer stopped him and informed him for driving around in a Bentley with illegally tinted windows and paper license plates. The rapper calmly explained not only that he’d purchased the vehicle from a pro football player this past January and experienced a 12-month brain fart that kept putting off registration, but that it was also his birthday.

Incredibly, it worked. The officer decided to forego towing the car, issued The Game a warning, and sent him on his way.

Nope. No moral indignation here. Screw it, the play worked. It actually worked. It’s not like the fine or tow fees would’ve broken the man, but he went for it and the cop bit. Well-done.

By the by, if Wikipedia is to be believed, it was in fact his birthday.
Peace among Guns N’ Roses?:
Don’t go patrolling Stub Hub for reunion tickets. It’s an encouraging sign of some adulthood that former GN’R drummer Steven Adler has buried his own beef with Axl Rose.

Adler told Rolling Stone recently that he’s let go of resentment that the embittered former lead-singer icon of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame rockers did his damnedest to block the group’s induction. He called Rose an “asshole” when Rose both adamantly declined attending April’s induction ceremony and pleaded with the Hall not to induct the band at all.

As a result, the crowd let Rose have it with boos when his name was mentioned among those of the original lineup. Adler has also gone on record calling Rose’s touring lineup of Guns N’ Roses – including no original members – “Axl and His Hacks.”

“I’m not angry with Axl anymore,” Adler told the magazine. “I love him and I feel blessed that I got to work with him and achieve what I achieved with him. I guess time does heal all wounds.

“It’s nice to appreciate it, but I’m no longer angry and pining for a reunion,” Adler continued. “I’m not angry about it anymore. It’s flushed out of my system.”
Lady Gaga claims up to 50 songs(!) written for ARTPOP:
Oh, yes. I regard this as a “Right.”

The perpetually attention-starved artist told fans recently via her Twitter that she’s prepped more than 50 new tunes for her upcoming ARTPOP follow-up album to her acclaimed, bestselling Born This Way.

“I don’t know what will rise to top. But that’s how I wrote The Fame/The Fame Monster,” Gaga said. She added regarding queries about possible collaborators, “I’m not sure yet. Stands pretty firm on its own. I’ll release collabs regardless if they’re on album or not, that’s what’s nice about app. I can upload new material all the time.”

Admittedly, Gaga frustrates me perpetually. It’s not secret that she possesses bona fide songwriting and arranging talents, but unlike Prince and David Bowie before her, she just can’t quite toe that fine line between accenting solid songs with an intriguing mystique and just being flat-out, “Look at me! Look at me!” ‘nanners. Even then, there’s one thing that amid a depressing era of music that’s perpetually, painfully indistinguishable and redundant: she does much more than throw s*** at the wall to see what sticks.

She loads the whole damn latrine into a trebuchet.

The last hope we have that mainstream music as a whole ever gets better is for artists to keep approaching every aspect, from promotion to touring, recording and songwriting, from every possible perspective as prolifically as possible until someone stumbles on something. At least Gaga isn’t writing strictly to fill out some 13 to 20-song allotment. She’s figuring, “Hey, rust never sleeps. The only way to remain creative is to constantly create.”

Writers’ talents grow by writing. Musicians who don’t make music don’t grow.

R. Kelly writing a “Trapped In The Closet” prequel book:
First and foremost … “Trapped In The Closet” needed to continue? Really?

Second … “Trapped In The Closet” actually has a complex enough backstory that people demanded explanation? Really?

It’s R. Kelly narrating cheating. He’s narrating it in song. No real emoting, nothing poetic about it, just “Some s***’s goin’ down. Look, now more s***’s goin’ down. Over to your left, you’ll see some more s*** goin’ down…”

Kelly recently delivered this explanation to Pitchfork.

Yep, he spoke to Pitchfork. Make your own jokes about the Most Inexplicably Still-Free Pederast on Earth and what awaits him to pay the piper for the Prince of Darkness getting him acquitted of Tinklegate.

“The ‘Trapped in the Closet’ book you see as an infomercial in the new chapters is a book that’s on its way, that I’m writing,” Kelly said.

“I know where Chuck was before he met Rufus. I know what was happening before they actually met,” he continued. “I know what happened with Bridget and the midget and everybody else’s situation. So I feel like the fans have supported ‘Trapped in the Closet,’ so I feel like it’s time to introduce them to these people before what they saw…It’s the prequel meeting the sequel. You’ll get to find out a lot of things you don’t know, or that you can’t know, unless you read the book or unless I tell you – so I decided to do a book on it.”

Consider this, everybody.

A sequel to The Incredibles is basically dead in the water. We’ll probably never see Hellboy 3 or a single frame of a live-action Wonder Woman movie. But someone – if it’s not BET, I will eat my laptop – is willing to pay R. Kelly to continue “Trapped In The Closet.”

The Universe is not a fair place, Babies.
Miley Cyrus may join Two and a Half Men if star leaves:
If you missed it last week, Angus T. Jones made an emphatic stand for his principles and against dump trucks of CBS/Warner Bros. money when the 19-year-old staunch, college-bound Christian made a YouTube video deeming the show “ungodly filth,” claiming that he hates working on it, and begging that fans stop watching it.

The jokes would write themselves, except it wasn’t a stand that the show is actually terrible. He just abhors profanity and even tame lewdness. He’s since announced that he’ll finish out the current, tenth season alongside co-stars Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher.

Next season? Well, proving that God himself couldn’t explain why some wells never run dry, Celebuzz reports that Miley Cyrus might step up her previous guest spot as Jake’s (Jones) love interest and Walden’s (Kutcher) family friend Missi into a regular role.

“There are talks to replace Angus and the perfect person would be Miley Cyrus…one possibility is that she could easily be written into the show to go to college,” an insider told the site.

More troubling than Cyrus continuing to get work, despite having little more talent than sounding like the long-lost Chipette and being crown-princess by birth of Planet Mullettron? The implication that despite neither Cryer nor Kutcher being signed for an eleventh season, it’s possible that nobody has yet caught on that this show is actively terrible, yet the cast of Community likely had to promise Gillian Jacobs’ sweet soul to the same demon that headed R. Kelly’s defense just to get a half-season pickup.

Ke$ha would totally do Justin Bieber:
“Sure. Wait, is he even legal? Could I go to jail for this?” God’s Curse to the Hearing told Rolling Stone (via E! News), while making sure to deny the rumors that she’d previously given him the humpity-bumpity. “OK, then I would. We could go out and buy lottery tickets, vote, play putt-putt golf. All the things that are legal at the age of 18.”

And then Bieber ran screaming into the Witness-Protection Program.

What a week it was, Babies. And now, the comedown … Ladies, Gentlemen, Babies and Others, YOUR MOMENT OF GWAR.

Thank you for ducking your head into Music’s 3 R’s this week, one and all. It’s a genuine blessing to turn 30 contributing so often to a site I’ve been frequenting since the Halcyon days of Mitch Michaels and the Quick & Dirty. Until I once more need a six-hour Starbucks fix, I’m Sean, you’re not, spay and neuter your pets, and never dull your colors for someone else’s canvas.

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Sean Comer
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