411’s NWA TNA Report 01.29.03

– Hey guys, I just want to say this will be my final recap for 411. My life has gotten way too hectic and I just can’t do it anymore. Balancing a new promotion and many writing projects has made it impossible for me to get home for TNA on Wednesday. Sorry folks. Thanks for all the kind and not-so-kind words over the last seven weeks. I’ll still order and tape TNA and watch it on the weekends because this is a wrestling promotion that has really captured my interest. Hopefully, Widro and Ashish will let me continue to write on a semi-regular All I gotta say is, keep watching TNA. It’s a hell of a promotion and it’s way better than Vince McMahon’s WWE.

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– Live from the TNA Asylum

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.

– We kick things off with Raven who has the NWA title he stole last week around his waist. Raven actually threatens to urinate in Jeff Jarrett’s bone marrow. Oh holy shit, Raven rules the universe! The Asylum is now Raven’s Clockwork Orange House of Fun. Only Raven can pull off something cliche like a Clockwork Orange reference. Jeff Jarrett comes out and we got ourselves a brawly brawl. The fight looks sort of like a Hardcore title match circa 1999. Jarrett beats on Raven and grabs the title belt back. Jarrett tries to go off the top with a trash can but Vince Russo runs in and crotches Jarrett. Raven superplexes Jarrett through a table and Vince Russo and Raven flee with the NWA title belt as the NWA lockerroom chases them off.

– Goldylocks is backstage with Jorge Estrada. Estrada isn’t sure if he’s going to join S.E.X. All he knows is that his career has been in the crapper lately. He’ll meet The Amazing Red tonight.

– The Amazing Red vs Jorge Estrada
This is my final report and I’d like to point out how much I think Jorge Estrada sucks. I haven’t reviewed a single match involving him that I have enjoyed specifically because of him. Oh well, it’s no big deal because Red is pretty rockin’. We get some very RVD-esque spot fu action to start with the obligatory stand off at the end. Red moonsaults off the apron and the crowd starts the first TNA chant of the night. Have you ever heard anyone chant “W-W-E”? Besides it being awkward, it’s just not the kind of promotion you can get behind. Springboard legdrop by Estrada as Red comes back in. Match is pretty boring. Red takes it with the Infra-Red followed by the Red Star Press at 6:14. * Not so hot.

– Mike Sanders comes out and makes the offer to join S.E.X. again and Estrada decks Sanders. Estrada goes onto the attack and out of nowhere Disco Inferno bashes him with a chair. Disco takes Estrada out. Sanders introduces Disco Inferno as the Director of Talent Development for S.E.X.

– Jerry Lynn vs David Flair
Hmmm… Lynn is gonna have to take that miracle workrate of his and kick it up about twelve notches to keep this puppy above the DUD range. The announcers wonder what’s in David Flair’s burlap sack. The bones of Ron Harris, duh. Jerry Lynn takes control early and David Flair sells in a really odd manner that makes him look he’s made of chewing gum. Don West tells the viewers to keep their eyes on David Flair’s sack. Man, I bet Vince Russo is doing this David Flair’s sack thing just so bums like me write that in their reviews. That’s workin’ the smarts, baby! Jerry Lynn slaps a figure four leglock on David Flair. Flair tosses Lynn into the ref and grabs his sack. The Truth comes out and grabs David Flair’s sack. Truth then takes David Flair’s sack and clubs Jerry Lynn with it so Flair can pick up the win at 5:16. *1/4 That wasn’t so good either. David Flair is worthless. The announcers wonder if The Truth KO’ed Jerry Lynn by accident or on purpose. I hope by accident because The Truth was hitting his stride as a babyface go against S.E.X.

– Mike Tenay puts B.G. James in the hot seat. B.G. James reaches the epiphany that the “Real Double J” was a crappy gimmick and Vince McMahon’s fault. Vince Russo created Road Dogg and that was an amazing character and that’s why James is loyal to Russo. James feels that the other Armstrongs are jealous because they never sold out MSG. Has B.G. James? Scott Armstrong busts up the interview.

– America’s Most Wanted come into the ring and talk about how they bust their ass week in and week out. Hey man, I’ve been saying that shit for the seven weeks I’ve been writing this. AMW want their rematch tonight. B.G. James inform them that XXX is not in the house tonight. So S.E.X. jumps AMW and OH MY GOD… RON HARRIS IS ALIVE!!! Damn. The Rock N Roll Express, of all people, run into the ring and chase off S.E.X. and them turn on AMW and beat them down with outdated chairshots and antiquated offense. I wait for RnR Express to bust open Chris Harris with a double dropkick, but it doesn’t happen. Nonetheless, that was a pretty shocking moment. I wonder if RnR Express can have a good match with America’s Most Wanted? I guess, we’ll find out in the future.

– Mike Sanders vs Ron “The Truth” Killings
Killings comes out to a weird smattering of boos and cheers as the crowd is unsure if he turned heel earlier or not. Lock up to start. A bit of mat work ensues. Sanders locks in a leglock and we get some more rasslin’. West describes the action as “methodical”. Sanders continues the work the knee with a single leg crab. Sanders hits a dropkick right on Truth’s knee. Truth makes a really half-assed comeback. Weird ending sees Jerry Lynn and David Flair interfere and Truth attempts to bump Lynn off the apron and Sanders rolls him up at 7:29. ** Match was okay. This angle between Lynn and Truth is pretty intriguing though.

– Goldylocks in the S.E.X. lockerroom. Rock N Roll Express explain their turn by saying they were the first-ever sports entertainers. RnR Express take on AMW tonight!

– A.J. Styles comes out and lays it all on the table for us. Styles says he is definitely NOT with Mortimer Plumtree or Vince Russo. He is however the mack daddy of the X division. Styles has been there, done that. He wants the NWA World title already. Raven interrupts and tells Styles that if he wants the belt, he needs to talk to Raven. They throw some really funny barbs at each other. Intense staredown. Jeff Jarrett and some referees break up the party and Jarrett grabs the title belt again and this time manages to hold on to it.

– Larry Zbyszko comes out because God has ignored my prayers to kill him. Zbyszko is one hell of a talker though, I wish he would manage or something. Just keep your damn clothes on, dude! Zbyszko dares Styles to try and pin him twice in ten minutes. Styles accepts.

– A.J. Styles vs Larry Zbyszko
So Styles has ten minutes to pin Zbyszko twice. If Styles does, Larry will mentor Styles. See now, that’s a good use for Larry Zbyszko. Larry stretches Styles to start. Five minutes pass and Larry’s still stretching Styles. Styles finally gets a pinfall with an inverted DDT at 5:48. Zbyskzo regains control with a little under three minutes to go. Mortimer Plumtree comes down to ringside and lends a helping hand to Styles. The time limit runs out at 10:00 and Styles loses the match despite being the only guy who got pinned in the whole match. Right. *** But hey, the match actually rocked ass, so I’m happy. I still hate Larry though.

– Goldylocks brings in the absolutely HUGE Percy Pringle. Pringle talks about being honored at the upcoming Cauliflower Alley Club convention. Pringle most certainly deserves it. Tony Schavione interferes and he looks like a total party animal with his Kiss t-shirt underneath a Hawaiian shirt combo and asshole heel beard. Schavione calls Pringle a kiss-ass. Schavione does an awesome job playing a total douchebag heel. Man, this guy is a natural heel! Schavione and Tenay talk mad shit about each other, yo. Russo invites Schavione to join S.E.X. and he obliges.

– Mixed Tag Team Match: Sonny Siaki & Desire vs Kid Kash & Trinity
Apparently, the X title is on the line in this dealie. Kash and Siaki start things out for us. Siaki tossed to the outside and we get some swank spots from Kash and Trinity. It’s no secret that TNA has made me into a huge Trinity mark. Siaki back in and tags to Desire. Tag back to Siaki and he hotshots Trinity to HUGE HEEL HEAT. Tag back to Trinity as ATHENA MAKES HER WAY DOWN TO RINGSIDE! Trinity rolls up Desire out of nowhere with the distraction from Athena to win the match but not win the title at 6:19. **1/2 Nice enough.

– Tony Schavione comes back out and makes fun of Athena. He interviews Siaki and Desire. Schavione informs Siaki has to defend the X title against Amazing Red next week. Konnan comes out and beats the shit out of Siaki with a kendo stick. Konnan IS NOT an employee and he gets escorted by security. And hey, Konnan yells at Tenay that he’ll give him the scoop in an exclusive interview. I so called that one last week.

– America’s Most Wanted vs Rock N Roll Express
Fingers crossed for this one. AMW storms the ring and it’s ass-whoopins aplenty for the RnR. James Storm starts off with Ricky Morton. I wonder who’s going to play Ricky Morton in this match? Apparently not Ricky Morton as he tags out to Robert Gibson. Gibson and Harris go at it. RnR double team James Storm who now plays Ricky Morton as Ricky Morton wails on him. Cosmic. Hot tag to Chris Harris and Harris is a cleaning house on fire! Death Sentence on Ricky Morton but the ref is distracted. Elix Skipper comes out and inteferes and allows the RnR Express to get the win at 8:49. ***1/4 Good match with a really bad ending.

– The Disciples of the New Church come out and chase off Elix Skipper and the RnR Express and the crowd eats it up and chants “Evil! Evil!” Nice usage of the Disciples.

– Raven challenges Jeff Jarrett for a title match… RIGHT NOW! Jarrett offers a beating instead and attacks with very little TV time left. They brawl into the ring and Raven hits the Evenflow DDT on Jarrett. Raven says, “Russo! Get the tables!” Raven attempts a superplex through the table again but Jarrett counters and tosses him through the table. Styles attacks Jarrett by using THE STROKE on him! I mark out for people using their opposition’s own offense against them. Styles grabs the title belt and runs off with it as the show ends.

– The bottom line is that TNA knows how to use basically anyone effectively. Yeah, I think RnR should’ve just jobbed but that’s one bad decision in a long list of total goodness. The streak of totally must-see TNA shows continues. If you’re not watching this show, you’re totally blowing it. I’m out for good. Thanks for reading!

Ed. Note: If you are interested in taking over as 411’s NWA:TNA Recapper, please e-mail us a sample report and be able to do a report every Wednesday night within an hour of the show’s end on the east coast