411’s Total Divas Report 1.19.16

Believe it or not, we’re back. This show has now been on the air for two and a half years and has produced five seasons of television. If I had known this when I wrote my review of the first episode on a lark, I probably never would have done it.

We pick up where we left off last season, with Nick “Dolph Ziggler” Nemeth making a pitch to Nikki Bella about why he should be her bae. He moves in for a kiss, and she pulls out and slaps him. It’s rare that the woman pulls out. All of this is going on while John Cena wrestles Stardust in what I’m going to assume was their US Title Open Challenge match. Poor John Cena. Not only is a midcard goof trying to steal his not-wife, he has to share the ring with Stardust oof all people.

After slapping the Showoff, Nikki runs into the waiting arms of her sister Brie. The twins run off and tell Paige what just happened. Paige refers to Nemeth as “rude,” which must mean something different in the UK, because it seems like a fairly mild statement if you’re using the American definition. The women all vow to keep this story a secret from John Cena, because IT’S NOT LIKE THIS IS ON A NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW OR ANYTHING.

The next day in Milwaukee, the Brie Bella and Rosa Mendes are travelling with Nattie Neidhart, who sneezes multiple times on camera, because this show is obsessed with her bodily functions. They talk about how great it is to be part of the ongoing #DivasRevolution, including a cutaway to the infamous promo in which Playground Monitor Stephanie McMahon called up a bunch of women from developmental and assigned them to play on teams with existing women on the roster. Nattie mentions that she feels guilty she can’t participate in the “Revolution” more because of her husband TJ Wilson’s broken neck. Rosa mentions that she feels guilty she can’t participate in the “Revolution” more because she never learned to properly wrestle despite being in the company for almost ten years. Okay, maybe that last one didn’t happen.

At the arena for Smackdown, the big question is whether Paige has told her fiancé the Kevin Skaff Infection that she does not want to marry him, which was another cliffhanger from last season. She tells Nikki that she’s going to put off that reveal until after the company gets back from Japan, where they’re headed for the “Beast in the East” special. Wrestling in Japan? LET’S DO THIS!

Oh, wait, we’re still on Total Divas . . . let’s do this . . .

Now we shoot over to Tampa and Casa de Neidhart, where Jim the Anvil and Ellie the Anvil are visiting. They discuss TJ’s upcoming neck surgery and note that he suffered the same injury that Christopher Reeve did, which, based on everything I’ve heard, is a shoot. Nattie offers her parents a “cup of coffee or bottle of vodka.” The Anvil will take them both . . . he’s hardcore.

Hey, now we’re in Japan! Nikki says that they are performing in “a historic dome where all the sumo wrestlers fought.” Yes, it’s like some kind of hall where they had sumo matches. A hall of sumos. A Sumo Hall, if you will. A Japanese fan asks Nikki where Brie is, and she explains that her sister is taking care of Daniel Bryan, “who is on your shirt,” she says, pointing to a picture of Bryan on the fan’s clothing as though he’s a total moron who can’t understand English even though, based on his few lines, he’s got a better command of the language than she does.

Paige and Nikki are signing autographs backstage, and Paige asks if Nikki has told John about Nick. She says she has not, because John and Nick are a tag team on this tour. Well, that and you vowed not to tell him when you were back in the United States.

After a commercial break, Paige calls Skaff from downtown Tokyo, and he lets her know that his parents will be visiting when she comes back, which of course makes it more difficult for her to break their engagement. Keep this in mind, by the way, because by the end of the episode the plot point with the parents will have gone absolutely nowhere.

In Phoenix, BriBry go out to lunch and talk about the John Cena/Nikki Bella relationship. Bryan says that he doesn’t understand them at all. Brie immediately changes topics and asks how he enjoys being a judge on Tough Enough. Bryan reports that it’s fine but that it got a little awkward when Titus O’ Neil and Hulk Hogan were on set together. Seriously, though, he says that it’s not what he wants to do, because he should be in the ring. Brie flat out says that his in-ring career is ending and that he needs to accept other opportunities. She could not be any less supportive if she tried, and I’m not entirely sure that she’s not trying.

And we’re in Tokyo again. Paige visits a “cat café,” which is, in fact, a café that is lousy with cats. She FaceTimes with Alicia Fox and explains the conundrum of Skaff’s parents visiting. Fox confirms that this situation is Paige’s problem. Thank you for that in depth insight, Foxy. At this point, I feel I should mention that they’ve shot a new series of confessionals with Paige this season, and, due to what I can only assume is a network directive, she has actually tanned (or at least fake tanned) for the session. It’s really jarring, not only because she does not look like the Paige we’re all used to but also because she looks like a completely different human being than the one featured on the non-confessional portions of the show.

In Sumo Hall, Nikki Bella defends her Divas Title against Paige and Tamina Snuka in a three-way, pinning Tamina with a forearm. You can tell this show isn’t necessarily being put together by wrestling people, because at least one of the “highlights” included in the video package was a botched spot.

Back in Phoenix, BriBry meet with a couple of Brie’s partners on an outside business venture, which has the goal of “showcasing local products,” which means absolutely nothing without greater context. They tell a story about Bryan making jelly out of watermelons that he grew in their backyard, because of course he did. Brie flat-out tells her partners that Bryan’s career is ending and that he needs to get a different job, all while he sits there gobsmacked. What a horrible person this woman is.

At what I think is a non-Beast in the East house show on the Japanese tour (at least based on the wrestling footage shown), Nikki Bella confronts Nicky Nemeth, demanding that he apologize for the scene that he caused back in the States. Paige creepily surveys the situation from the hallway, peering around the corner of a door like a cartoon character. Nemeth never apologizes but instead asks if Nikki has told Cena about the situation. When she says no, he says that he’ll spill the beans to Cena himself. That’s our big cliffhanger headed into the commercial break. He never makes good on this promise or even teases the conversation further, so this entire segment was pointless.

In Arizona, BriBry leave their meeting. At this point, we’ve been back and forth over the international dateline so many times that I’m starting to feel like Hulk Hogan back when he was wrestling 400 days per year. The couple talks about how great Brie’s new project is, which is getting a bit frustrating because never once have they explained the business concept. While I’m getting frustrated with the vague descriptions of Brie’s business plan, Bryan is getting frustrated himself with the lectures about how he needs to be looking for a new career.

Nikki Bella and Paige go to a “fish spa,” which, like the cat café, lives up to its billing. It’s one of those gimmicks in which you stick your feet into fish tanks so that they can eat the dead skin off of you. Then, all of a sudden, Nick walks in. What’s he doing at the fish spa? Does he have a Troy McClure situation going on? No, that’s not it. He’s there because Paige invited him so that he could hash out his issues with Nikki. Instead of being creepy and horny as he was in prior conversations, Nemeth is now becoming outright hostile, jealously making fun of John Cena and the way that he runs. Yes, because that’s what two real, non-E! Network men do when they’re upset with one another. They mock each other’s running. This goes nowhere in particular.

We watch some ads, and Brie and Bryan are in their living room trying to schedule meetings for their amorphous business. She wants him to work a booth at some convention selling god knows what, and he gets catty about doing it. For the 50th time this episode, he tells her that he is not ready to move on to the next stage of his life and that he’s still working on his professional wrestling comeback. She does a 180 and says that she’ll support whatever dream that he has, even though she’s been doing the exact opposite all episode long. As her punishment, Bryan puts her in a submission. She doesn’t tap. Way to put your husband over.

In Orlando, Skaff picks up Paige at the airport as she returns from Japan. They talk to each other in these ridiculously obnoxious nasal voices. As they drive home, Skaff asks where Paige’s engagement ring is, and she gives him some B.S. about how she’s been keeping it in her bag because she doesn’t want to lose it. I will give the show some credit for totally reversing stereotypical gender roles here.

Even though Paige is back, Nikki Bella is still in Tokyo so that she can watch John Cena in his “big tag team match.” It’s the main event of the Beast in the East show, even though we already saw footage of Paige wrestling on that very show before she left. Apparently, she caught a flight in the middle of the card and landed in the United States before the show was over. Usually only PWG shows run that long. We get some clips of the match, which feature Cena pinning Wade Barrett with the FU.

Skaff and Paige get home, at which point her mother, Saraya Knight, FaceTimes her. Does nobody make a simple phone call anymore? Saraya is pissed off because she had to find out “on the telly” that her daughter was engaged. She acts as just about any enraged mother would in that situation, until Paige outright hangs up on her, claiming that she needs to get some sleep. Skaff tries to talk to her about wedding venues and guest lists, but Paige tells him that she doesn’t care about any of the planning. This all frustrates her to the point that she finally comes out with it and says that she does not want to marry him. Of course, that’s your pre-commercial break hook. After the ads, she tries to explain herself a little bit more, noting that she dropped hints about how she did not want to get married. One example of a hint that she gave was saying, “I don’t want to get married.” I can see how that would be a mixed message. Paige ultimately explains that she said yes because she didn’t want to face the possibility of losing her Skaffykins, and he responds that she would never have to worry about that. So, I guess they’re no longer engaged but they’re still a couple.

John Cena and Nikki Bella head out to dinner at a steakhouse in Japan where all of the staff appears to be Caucasian. What, they couldn’t have just gone to the Ribera?

After about five seconds, Nikki tells the Dolph Ziggler story. John Cena, because he is the coolest, most understanding human being on the planet and cannot be booked in any other way on this show or any other WWE programming, says that he’s not going to stop Nikki if she feels something for Nemeth and wants to take this opportunity. He says he will not “slap Dolph Ziggler with a white glove and challenge him to a duel.” I guess he’s been to Broadway and seen that didn’t work out particularly well for Alexander Hamilton.

This allows the show to close on another cliffhanger, as Nikki is astounded that Cena is not upset and appears to be angry at Cena over his lack of jealousy.

Overall: Usually Total Divas is infuriatingly bad, but, for the most part this week, it was just boring. In each of the three main storylines, it felt like we were watching the same scene over and over and over again. There were three scenes of Brie Bella telling Bryan Danielson to move on in his career with no real progression. There were three scenes of Paige complaining about not wanting to be engaged to her fiancé with no real progression. There were three scenes of Nikki Bella fretting over telling John Cena about the Nemeth situation with no real progression. In some ways I suppose that’s better than the old days of the show in which they would try to cram too much action into every 42 minute episode, but it’s still not optimal storytelling. The action should build up and the stakes should get higher until there is a climax instead of things just moving along at the same level on a plateau until the storyline just ends. I will give the show some credit this week, though, as John Cena’s final reaction to Nikki’s revelation was somewhat unexpected but made sense in retrospect given Cena’s character on the series up to this point, and it sets up some interesting storyline possibilities in the near future.