411’s Total Divas Report 10.26.14

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to 411mania’s Total Divas report! I’m a little bit confused as to precisely what this episode is supposed to be. About half of the promotional materials that I have seen refer to it has a “mid-season finale,” while the other half refer to it as a “season finale.” I suppose the difference is pretty much irrelevant, though, as the practical result is that I don’t have to watch this show for several months, which makes me a happy, happy man.

Various members of the cast are arriving at television in Portland, and creepy Fandango shows up to ask Nattie about her marital problems. Given his character on this show up to this point, his only motivation for asking would be that he wants to get into her pants. Nattie is upset because – and these are her words – she’s always prided herself on being a professional. Yes, the professional who twice on this very television program has been documented PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING ONE OF HER COWORKERS WITHOUT SUFFICIENT PROVOCATION. This turns into Nikki Bella giving marital advice to Ms. Neidhart, because we all know that those who can do and those who can’t teach..

In Los Angeles, Eva Marie and Jonathan are headed out to get their outfits for the wedding. Eva’s dress is so skanky that it shouldn’t legally be allowed to be sold in white. Jonathan apparently has three different suits that he will be wearing throughout the wedding. So he’s like Mick Foley in the 1998 Royal Rumble.

At John Cena and Nikki Bella’s west coast residence, the couple argues about how to properly fold skimpy underpants. Nikki mentions Nattie and TJ’s marital problems. Demonstrating her excellent mathematic skills, she says “they’ve been together for twelve years, and they’re what . . . twenty?” Cena quickly corrects her and notes that, in fact, the couple is thirty years old and has not, as implied by Nikki, been banging since the second grade. Nikki tells Cena that she thinks marriage has somehow destroyed what was once a great relationship between the Neidharts, and she concludes that she is now A-OK with not marrying John because she does not want the same thing to happen to them. Knowing Cena, he will now be running to his lawyer so that he can have that put into writing for Nikki to sign off on.

Nikki then challenges her man to a game of tic-tac-toe, but he defeats her in an embarrassingly quick fashion. The same thing happened when she played the game against that trained chicken at the county fair.

Eva Marie is going to be on the cover of Muscle and Fitness Hers magazine, which is apparently a magazine that exists. Nattie is there to give her “moral support,” which is code for “there to shoot a scene for this reality show.” The scene focuses on Nattie asking to be seated as far away from TJ as possible during Eva’s wedding. This includes Nattie suggesting that she be seated with “Eileen.” Who is Eileen? I hope that Eileen becomes a running gag, a character that is never seen but that all of the characters bring up on a semi-regular basis. You know, like the Ugly Naked Guy of Friends fame.

The Bella Twins and Bryan Danielson are out at brunch, discussing Nikki’s disgusting habit of leaving stray vibrators everywhere. She should share some pointers with Seth Rollins. He seems much more discreet about his. It is mentioned that Nikki also buries important documents like her birth certificate under her sex toy collection, which I guess is probably more reliable than LifeLock. This somehow morphs into a serious conversation, where Nikki expresses her change in heart about marriage. Brie tells her that she’s full of it and, in a confessional, expresses frustration with John Cena for not sacrificing anything for his woman.

After a commercial break, we’re at another Bella family brunch, this time subtracting Nikki but adding their parents, their brother, and a random child who I’m going to assume is out on the world’s worst “Make a Wish” trip. Everybody talks about how insincere Nikki is being when it comes to marriage, and everybody jumps on top of John Cena for not wanting to marry her, until Bella momma Cathy jumps in as the voice of reason and tells everybody that Nikki and Cena are grown ass adults who can handle their own affairs. Mother is ignored, however, and Brie and the Bella Brother Dot decide that they’re going to try to stage some sort of intervention. Yes, please, give me JJ Bella standing up to John Cena.

Various cast members are arriving at the hotel that is playing host to Eva Marie’s wedding party. In an uncharacteristic yet appreciated bit of continuity, TJ Wilson is wearing his Beats by Dre.

The wedding is in Napa, so the Bella Twins go out wine tasting. This turns into, and I kid you not, an extended commercial for the winery they’re visiting, as the proprietor flashes at least three different varieties of wine across the screen and explains the “stories” behind each one of them while forcing his logo as far into the camera as possible. I can’t wait for the episode where Vinny needs a new car and we have to sit through fifteen minutes of shots of a Chevy dealership. Brie quickly gets drunk and telling her sister how awful John Cena is.

We’re back in Sonoma. One of the establishing shots is the Golden Gate Bridge, and I swear they stole it from the opening of Full House. The Bellas are for some reason not arguing with one another anymore, and they’re now instead talking about TJ and Nattie getting a divorce. This somehow leads to the drunken Bellas yelling at each other and wrestling in the back of a moving van. It’s like a deleted scene from the porno version of Dumb and Dumber with the twins playing the equivalents of Harry and Lloyd.

Now it’s off to Eva Marie’s rehearsal dinner, where I am reminded that Jonathan’s mother is named LaLa. When you’re named LaLa and you have grandchildren, do then then call you something normal like Sharon? Just wondering if that one works in reverse. There was probably more of substance to that scene, but I was too distracted by the name LaLa.

Later in the evening, the Bellas, Nattie, and TJ are going out together. It was originally supposed to be a girls’ night, but drunken Brie invited TJ. While they’re at dinner, TJ makes a stupid comment about his wife not wearing her wedding ring. The drunken Bellas give the couple some gifts, the key one being a coffee table book of cats posing with wine. I would ask why that is a thing, but, really, it’s more confounding that this show is a thing. Vinny and Ariane show up, and they also appear to be intoxicated. Nattie feels like everybody is jumping on her for giving TJ a hard time, and the scene concludes with her threatening to “kick his fucking ass” when they get back to the hotel bar. This whole sequence was so remarkably disjointed and train wreck-y that I think they got everybody legitimately trashed and then tried to shoot a semi-scripted scene for the “reality” show, only to have the whole thing fall apart in front of their eyes.

After a commercial, we go back not to that scene but rather to the preparation for the fake wedding of the century. Nikki recommends that everybody get completely smashed headed into the nuptials. More passive aggressive remarks are exchanged between the Neidharts. Eventually everybody arrives at the wedding, where it appears that Jonathan may have reconciled with Eva Marie’s obnoxious brothers. Also, Layla El is there for some reason. Eva is wearing a brunette wig, which she explains is because she wants to walk down the aisle with her father as he best knows her. If I were picking my look for the day based on what would gain my father’s approval, I probably wouldn’t have gone with the wedding dress that leaves 75% of my boobs flapping in the breeze.

Everybody at the wedding tears up, despite the fact that these two are already married. The officiant refers to Eva Marie as Eva Marie, even though that is not actually her name. The already-weds read their vows to each other, and Eva claims that she was fortunate to have found a man that his exactly like her father. Given the personality that we have seen from Barry Marie on the show, I would’ve taken that as a tremendous insult if I were the groom and walked out. Eva also asks if Jonathan will accept her despite all of her flaws . . . like being a shitty worker? The officiant also has a line about whether Jonathan will accept her “even if she never becomes Divas Champion.” Ha . . . ha?

At the wedding reception, Nattie flips out because she and TJ are seated next to each other after all. Brie continues to be awful to her sister, by saying that this wedding is exactly what she expected Nikki to have . . . and she even goes as far as saying that she thinks Nikki should try to find somebody else who will give her what she wants. Nikki attempts to explain that she DOES have what she wants, but her sister continues to act like she knows what’s best for Nikki. These are some supremely obnoxious human beings.

The “bride” and “groom” arrive at the reception, and Eva dances with her father. The designer of Eva Marie’s wedding ring gets a plug, which she also got last week, so she apparently cut a pretty sweet deal with E!. Elsewhere at the party, Nattie separating herself from TJ has resulted in her sitting next to Summer Rae, which Summer notes the irony of. Confessional Nattie tells her that being at the phony wedding makes her feel like a huge phony because her own relationship has been falling apart, so she leaves early. Yes, god forbid that a member of the Hart family participate in something that might not quite be on the level.

We’re apparently done with the wedding now. In Phoenix, Brie, JJ, and Cathy Bella take John Cena out to breakfast, and Nikki is unawares. Brie brings up Nikki’s recent change of heart and says to Cena that she’s afraid her sister is lying to herself. Cena, rightfully so, points out that he has been completely honest with Nikki about his feelings on the subject of marriage and children since literally date one. If that is true, nobody here has anything to complain about. Bella Brother Dot steps up to Cena, saying that, if he were in John’s position, he would probably let Nikki go so that she could have what she wanted out of life. Cena sits there with his hand covering his mouth, his expression telling us all that, if a camera crew were not present, he would pop this kid’s head open like Rick Grimes going after a hipster cannibal.

There’s a commercial break to build up tension. Cathy reveals herself to be the true hero of this episode by standing up for John Cena. I think that this is perhaps the only time on WWE television that Cena hasn’t made his own comeback in a handicap match. Fortunately, rather than continuing to rag on the poor guy, Brie wraps up the conversation by saying, “these are our opinions and we just wanted you to know about them.” Then, though they don’t show this on television, I can only assume that everybody sat there in awkward silence for the next twenty minutes waiting for their eggs benedict to show up.

Later on, Nikki and John are at home, when John dramatically says that he has something he wants to talk to her about. DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHH. Cena says that he’s afraid that Nikki is “settling” for him and that he is holding her back from what she wants. He then says that, if you love something, you let it go. She asks, “So you’re letting me go?” and the scene cuts out before we get any sort of answer.

The show concludes with a “coming soon on Total Divas” teaser, promising us all that the show will be returning on January 4. There’s something cosmically funny about this show of all shows making its big return on the same date as New Japan’s WrestleKingdom.

Overall: My initial reaction to this episode was that it felt better than some of the recent shows, though, upon further reflection, I can to realize that I was reacting more positively just because I didn’t have to watch two consecutive hours of this mess.

Really, this episode was yet another mishmash of contrived, unbelievable storylines with a side of miserable acting. Coming into the episode, I expected the Eva/Jonathan not-wedding to be the big focus, but the writers had to write in the John Cena/Nikki Bella relationship tease that they always rely on as a cliffhanger in these situations. That story felt rushed since it hasn’t been revisited for quite some time, while the Nattie/TJ storyline felt as though it received the short shrift because it’s been built for weeks and it just sort of meandered towards a non-conclusion here instead of either being resolved in some way or at the very least set up for a big conclusion in the second half of the season. (Or is it the next season?) The bickering between the Bella twins was treated similarly, as Brie was getting in some pretty venomous barbs and at least at one point actively trying to end Nikki’s relationship with her long-term boyfriend. Given those circumstances, it seemed like there should have been some Bella vs. Bella feud growing out of this, but, instead, it was just swept under the rug at the end of the day to go back to the played out Nikki/Cena drama.

If I am being fair and giving the writers/producers some credit, I will say that this episode was somewhat of an improvement from others because they managed to find a way to get the various storylines to play off of each other, with the Eva/Jonathan faux nuptials being the impetus for both Nikki’s change of heart regarding marriage and the latest round of unpleasantries between Nattie and her husband. Booking the show so that the stories relate to each other cuts down on the jarring nature of the editing, in which we often feel like we’re whipping back and forth between a series of brief unrelated scenes that may as well be from different shows.

So, here we are. It’s either two-and-a-half or three seasons down, and this show still doesn’t show any signs of going anywhere any time soon. I cannot believe this.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.