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411’s Total Divas Report 2.15.15
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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to your 411mania Total Divas report. I am your party host Ryan Byers, and I am doing this review on the road. I had hoped my hotel room would not have E! so that I could foist this off on TJ Hawke or somebody else, but, unfortunately, despite staying in the dirt cheapest place that I could find, I still have basic cable.
Because I’m not working with my usual setup, this report will be dialed back somewhat. As a token of apology, please accept this gif of Natalya licking Paige.
We open in Birmingham, Alabama, backstage at a WWE event where Fox, Paige, and Mendes meet up with Renee Young in catering. Fox decides to hide under a table to scare Emma and Summer Rae. When she appears on camera, Summer gets a chyron that reads “Summer Rae – WWE Diva” as though she had never been a regular cast member on the show. Fox repeats her prank on Titus O’ Neil, Nattie, and Creepy Talent Relations Mark. Guess who took it the worst? If you said anybody other than Nattie, you’ve never watched the show before.
After the micro-theme song, we are at Nattie’s home in Florida, where she is visiting with her parents, Ellie and Jim the Anvil. In a voiceover, Nattie explains her close relationship with the Anvil and the fact that he has had problems with addiction. Apparently, over the last several weeks, he has not been acting like himself. The scene sets that up but doesn’t really provide any details.
In Tennessee for Smackdown, Creepy Talent Relations Mark gets in the best line of the show in ages, by saying, “Hanging out by the forklift, eh?” when approaching several of the cast members, who are, in fact, hanging out by a forklift. I love it when a character on this show gets to be self-aware and point out how ridiculously unnatural some of the scenarios are. Anyway, Mark reminds everybody that the European tour is coming up, as though there are people in the world who forget that they’re traveling to another continent next week. Nikki says that she’s got both her own passport and John Cena’s. If I were Mark, I would’ve intervened there . . . that is the next to last woman that I would trust in getting my top star across the Atlantic Ocean. I say “next to last” as opposed to “last” because Eva Marie is still a thing.
Also during that conversation, Paige gives the Bellas crap about “Brie Mode” and the legend of the drunken exploits of Brie Bella. Paige has never seen it for herself and eggs the twins on by saying that it must be a myth. Nikki says that there will be no Brie Mode in the UK, which is odd because I’m pretty confident that the last time we dealt with Brie drinking, the storyline was that Brie was trying to dial it back because of her relationship with Bryan Danielson and Nikki was trying to get her wasted because she was afraid that her sister was no fun anymore.
Now we’re at Raw in St. Louis, and everybody is in makeup and talking about the color of their pubic hair and also Wade Barrett, who is returning to the road. This makes sense, given that the Intercontinental Champion and pubic hair are usually assigned comparable levels of priority by the WWE creative team. Wade’s return makes Foxy uncomfortable, because apparently they had a two year relationship that he ended. It should be noted that Alicia is unironically wearing a shirt that has massive tassles hanging off the sleeves. Seriously, Randy Savage would see this and tell her to dial it back a couple of notches.
Before you know it, everybody has traveled to the United Kingdom in a 1.5 second montage. Paige talks about how nice it is to be back home for a bit. Backstage, Nattie is on the phone with “Bob,” who I am presuming is her lawyer, talking about a court date that she has for her father that has something to do with him taking responsibility for his addiction issues. She doesn’t say precisely what the nature of this court appearance is, so the whole thing is left a bit confusing. Is he attending drug court sessions for some sort of unnamed offense? Is she trying to get him committed? It doesn’t really matter, because whatever the legal proceeding is, it’s never mentioned again. Forget Lucha Underground, I’m pretty sure that Vince Russo is writing this show.
Apparently Mendes and Fox were left off the first leg of the European tour, so they go to Las Vegas and scream. Loudly.
In Glasgow, the Bella Twins are presenting at the MTV European Music Awards. David Hasselhoff is interviewed and intimates that he might have a three-way with them. We get to see a very brief snippet of the presentation. This has nothing to do with plot or character development and is just an ego-fluffing, “Hey, look at what big stars we are!” segment.
Back at Rosa’s house, she and Alicia talk about their asses and go out to dinner. They get into an argument over whether Fox should resume dating. Things escalate quickly, with Alicia ultimately telling Rosa to get fucked. In light of the 5,321 times on this show that Mendes has tried to meddle in people’s personal lives, it’s about time that somebody said that to her.
We’re in Birmingham again, but this time it’s the one in the UK and not the one in Alabama. Paige has invited the Bella Twins out for a drink, and she immediately orders a round of shots for them. Nikki peels off from the group but Brie decides to stay and finish off some champagne. As soon as Nikki is out the door, Paige has a dozen more shots brought to the table and forces them down Brie’s throat. Metaphorically. This is why people who are thirty years old should not hang out with people who are twenty-one years old. Apparently Brie did not learn the lessons that Ring of Honor tried to teach us a decade ago through their “Joey Matthews is part of Special K” angle.
After a commercial, Paige and Brie are being driven to another bar and dancing to the latter’s theme music. That song is so horrible that Barack Obama should seek congressional approval to take military action against it. They swallow some meal worms, and Brie gets sloppy, sloppy drunk, spilling alcohol all over herself and Paige and falling into a wall. When the girls get back into their car, they drunk dial Nikki and, based on her facial expressions, Brie is either really sloshed or one helluvan actress. Nikki tries to get them to come back to the hotel. Brie falls down and is perplexed by the fact that her shoe came off.
The next morning in Las Vegas, Alicia and Rosa have a heart-to-heart, with the former explaining why she flipped out the night before. Apparently the reason the Barrett breakup hit her so hard is that she has never had a real relationship before and because Wade never explained why he was leaving her. I don’t know why he left her either, but I’m sure he started the breakup with, “I’m afraid I’ve got some BAD NEWS . . .”
Yes, that was an easy joke, but sometimes you have to pick the low-hanging fruit.
We are in Birmingham once more, and Nikki goes to pick Brie up in her hotel room for their pre-Raw workout. She doesn’t answer the door, so Nikki has to go get hotel staff to open up the room. Of course, Brie is hung over. As soon as she stands up, she vomits all over Nikki’s ridiculously large fake breasts. To be fair, given their size, she had about a 90% chance of connecting with those things. It’s like throwing a tennis ball in the general direction of a barn wall.
In Liverpool, Alicia Fox has joined the tour (but Rosa Mendes hasn’t . . . guess that shows where she stands) and is going on a Beetles-themed sightseeing tour with Nattie and Ariane. On the bus, they talk about Alicia’s issues with Wade Barrett, and Nattie says that the best revenge is living well. After giving her sage advice, Nattie says that she feels like Larry King. Well, she certainly acts King’s age most of the time on his program.
At the Raw catering session, Pagie and Brie meet up and discuss the prior evening’s events. Brie says that she doesn’t understand why she acts like a ten year old boy when she gets drunk. Meanwhile, Paige acts like a ten year old boy all the time. Brie and Nikki meet up, and the latter delivers a lecture about how it’s unprofessional to get wasted the night before a big show. If only Nikki Bella were around during wrestling’s territorial era, she could have saved so many lives and careers.
We get highlights of Brie Bella vs. AJ Lee from Raw just before the Survivor Series, and Brie’s performance is completely unimpeded even though the pre-commercial bumpers intimated that there would be some consequences for her night out on the town. Working a match with a massive hangover? Brie would’ve fit right in with the original Four Horsemen.
Alicia Fox, the Bellas, and Nattie meet for brunch, and Nattie breaks into tears as soon as she sits down. We are told that this is because the Anvil is in the ER and has nearly died, but Nattie only says that in a confessional and not to the other women, instead taking the completely natural course of action by, through her tears, asking Brie how her dog is doing and then putting in a food order. At the end of the scene, she says, “I don’t even feel like filming now.” HOLY CRAP, THEY’RE BREAKING REALITY SHOW KAYFABE~!
Backstage at Raw in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Nattie has a meeting with TJ Wilson and asks for his assistance in saving the Anvil, despite the fact that they are still separated. Apparently TJ and the Anvil have a connection, and Nattie wants to try to use that to reign her father in. TJ is on board with the idea, because he’s a decent human being.
Elsewhere, Alicia Fox sees Wade Barrett again and decides that she’s going to have a conversation with him about their breakup. Her nerves cause her to throw up, because we haven’t had enough of that on this show. I would say that, fortunately, Nikki’s breasts are nowhere nearby but, given their size, they’re always somewhere nearby.
Fox and Barrett do speak, and Alicia is so upset that she has to pull her hat down over her eyes in order to begin the conversation. Mature. Alicia tells him that she is uncomfortable with him back on the road and he is remarkably understanding, saying that he will do anything he needs to do in order to make her feel more comfortable. She asks why the breakup occurred, and he answers honestly, saying that he could not see himself spending the rest of his life with her and therefore felt that he was wasting both of their time. Makes sense to me. He goes on to give her a pep talk, telling her that she’s beautiful and will no doubt have plenty of men after her in the future. Careful, Barrett. Being the perpetually understanding lovable guy is John Cena’s role on this show, and, if you try to take it over, you might find yourself on the wrong side of an Attitude Adjustment.
TJ Wilson is back home with Nattie, likely not permanently, but for an intervention with the Anvil. Jim shows up and brings with him his medals from his athletic career. Uh oh, that’s some Iron Sheik-level disillusioned old man stuff right there. They put the Anvil into the hot tub and talk to him about getting his life back on track. However, all he wants to do is go over his past Wrestlemania appearances and other sports victories. At one point I think I heard him say something about scoring four touchdowns in one game for Polk High. Nattie says that the Anvil made it to the pinnacle of the largest entertainment company in the world. Wait, Neidhart worked for Sony? Out of nowhere, Nattie gets a telephone call from Dan Spivey. Yes, THAT Dan Spivey, who is apparently now a drug counselor that has been assisting Nattie. I guess that you could say a life is gonna be in Waylon Mercy’s hands. With Nattie out of the room, the Anvil starts opening up to TJ about how scared he has been with some of his recent health problems.
You’d think that with the Anvil apparently making some progress by speaking frankly with TJ, you’d like that play out for a bit. Instead, they cut it off almost immediately, as Dan Spivey shows up at Nattie’s door and tells the Anvil that he should come with him, right away, to Dan’s rehab facility. Jim’s first question is, “Who’s paying?” As soon as he’s told WWE is footing the bill, he hops into Spivey’s truck completely of his own volition, again despite the pre-commercial bumpers intimating that there would be a greater degree of conflict. The show ends with Nattie and TJ hugging and Wilson seeing his opening to come home.
Overall: Most people who read this review on a regular basis probably know that my stance on the show is, like any wrestling or reality show, “Treat it like a work unless there’s strong evidence to the contrary.” However, I do know that Jim Neidhart has had some legitimate issues similar to the ones depicted in this episode over the course of the last several years, so I have difficulty being too critical of that storyline or making jokes about it (though I did obviously poke some fun throughout the body of the review, and I did not intend for any of that to be at Neidhart’s expense). I’m just going to say that I hope the Anvil is in a much better place now than he was the last time his name made wrestling headlines.
What I will say is that I found it remarkably insensitive to run the storyline with Jim Neidhart on the same episode of this show that featured the storyline that involved Brie Bella getting trashed on the road. Let’s face it, a big part of Jim Neidhart’s problems today are likely attributable to the culture of substance use and abuse, which included alcohol, that existed when he was on the road as a professional wrestler. To take that serious issue and juxtapose it with Brie’s “lighthearted” on on the road drinking – paired with some comments by Nikki that made her sister sound like a bona fide alcoholic – was really quite tone deaf, particularly when they showed Brie’s actions as having no real consequences.
This show is often stupid and poorly written or produced, but this was one of the few times outside of its general depiction of women that it has flirted with being outright offensive.