411’s Total Divas Report 2.22.15

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to yet another Total Divas report. Apparently putting that Nattie/Paige licking .gif in my review last week was a bad idea, because it overloaded my poor Photobucket account, and it still hasn’t recovered. So, we’re going no frills this week . . . no photos, no gimmicks. I’m just going to have to rely upon my impeccable wit.

In other words, we’re all screwed.

We open in Las Vegas, where Eva Marie and Jonathan are on vacation with her family. Does she even work for WWE anymore? Seriously, when’s the last time one of her storylines on this show had anything to do with being a professional wrestler? We meet Eva’s youngest brother Nick, who hasn’t been on the show before because he “never gets time off.” Yeah, right. This reminds me of when a new younger sister that was never mentioned before would show up out of nowhere on a sitcom, with everybody accepting her as though she’s been around for years. Everybody walks around the hotel and is amazed by Eva Marie’s father, Barry Marie, having a rotating bed. Eva reminds us that Barry has cancer and that she has to cherish every moment with him. In case you’re not familiar with this man, cherishing time spent with him is the equivalent of getting off by rubbing your face on a cactus.

Monday Night Raw, the show that Eva Marie should be at, is in New York City. Paige and Alicia Fox wrestle AJ Lee and Emma. You know, people who only watch this show and not Raw are going to see Emma “dancing” here and think that she has some kind of neurodegenerative disease.

The Bella Twins are backstage with Stone Cold Seamstress Sandra, and Nikki is excited because two of her favorite designers are collaborating to create a $15,000.00 purse. She’s going to purchase it, and Sandra is gobsmacked. This all turns into an argument between the twins about whether Nikki wisely spends her money, with Brie being rather critical. Didn’t we just have an episode a few months ago in which Bryan Danielson was critical of Brie Bella’s spending money and Brie treated him like the world’s most oppressive monster? (A monster, a monster, he turned into a monster.) Doesn’t Brie turning around and doing the same thing to Nikki now make her a hypocrite?

Then again, last week saw Nikki give Brie the stink eye for getting drunk in the UK, even though there was a prior episode in which Nikki was critical of her sister for giving up drinking and not being fun anymore, so keeping the Bellas’ motivations consistent isn’t exactly the strong suit of this program.

The Bellas also discuss the handbag with Jon Uso, which is notable only because he’s wearing his Samoan war paint the entire time, and it’s a bit unnerving to see somebody having a normal conversation with that all over himself.

We’re back to the Eva Marie Family, and Eva is speaking with Momma Marie about Barry’s health. Eva thinks that the vacation must be as a result of a decline in his condition, but momma denies it. They show a montage from moments in prior episodes in which the family has been less than honest with Eva about the status of her father’s cancer treatments to explain the fact that Eva does not trust her mother here. Personally, I’m amazed that Eva has sufficient mental capacity to remember her name, let alone what happened in her life over a season ago.

We’ve finished Raw in New York, and Nattie Neidhart is having a telephone conversation with her mother, Ellie. Nattie says her mom is her best friend. Keep that in mind. A conversation between Nattie and estranged husband TJ Wilson reminds us that her father, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart is in rehab. We don’t mention that the guy running the rehab facility is, of people, Dan Spivey. The Anvil is apparently doing well, and the relationship between the Wilson-Neidharts is doing better too, as Nattie appreciates what her man did on last week’s epsidoe to convince her dad to check into rehab. Nattie could’ve worded her thoughts on this subject a bit better, though, as, “I appreciate what you did for my dad when you talked to him in the hot tub” sounds creepy without context.

In Las Vegas once more, Eva Marie and her entire family go out clubbing. Yes, including the parents. Wait a minute . . . they had a baby in the earlier scene. Who the hell is watching the baby? Barry Marie, who is the oldest man in the room by a good thirty years, channels his inner Ric Flair and parties like a wild man.

Nattie, wearing a swank Bas Rutten Pancrase t-shirt, visits her mother at her Florida home. Nattie has apparently not been there for a while, because she’s just learning now that their house flooded some time ago and there is substantial water damage that needs to be cleaned up. So much for that whole “best friend” thing. The house looks terrible, but Neidharts’ dog, Mr. Peadoy, has a remarkably cute underbite, for whatever that’s worth. Despite supposedly being at odds with him, Nattie’s first instinct is to call TJ because she doesn’t know what else to do. He says that he’s going to look into some things and call her back.

After a commercial break, Nattie and Ellie are sorting through damaged property when TJ arrives, wearing a ridiculous tank top that has a breast pocket on it. TJ says that he knows somebody who is perfect to fix up the home and that he’ll give him a text. Shouldn’t the Neidharts have had some homeowner’s insurance that dealt with this?

In Phoenix, Brie and Nikki are making dinner when Nikki unveils scads and scads of designer clothing that she just got delivered to her. Brie is critical of her sister’s spending, and Nikki gets defensive, saying that Brie spends the same amount of money, just on different things. Ultimately, with each sister claiming she is the more fiscally responsible one, they decide tha they’re going to going to see a financial planner together. Recently in the comments section of these reviews, there has been some debate as to whether these shows are true reality television or whether they’re a big ole’ work, and it’s scenes like this that cause me to firmly be on the “it’s scripted” side of the debate. There are far too many instances in which two characters are having a dispute and one of them IMMEDIATELY calls for some sort of outside professional or competition to resolve matters, in a way that no natural human being would do. I’m waiting for the episode in which John Cena and Daniel Bryan have a dispute and immediately decide to resolve it with a race . . . AROUND THE WORLD!

In Las Vegas, Eva Marie assembles her husband and brothers for a family meeting. I don’t know if I ever realized this before, but the two brothers who are not new brother Nick look like broke ass versions of Rick Steiner and Buff Bagwell. Eva called the meeting because she has realized it may be her father’s last vacation, and she wants to make it as memorable as possible for him, allowing him to complete all of the items on his bucket list. The assembled siblings then compile their father’s bucket list for him. That’s not how a bucket list works.

Brie Bella and Momma Bella Kathy go out to the spa and Brie complains about the $15,000.00 purse and wonders how she and her sister have become so completely different from one another. Kathy makes the same point that Nikki did, namely that Brie also has her own expense endeavors, they’re just different. Given that just two weeks ago we saw Brie build an eight foot rampart topped with “bob wire” around her house for no particular reason, I have to side with Kathy on this one.

Arthur L. Henry, contractor, arrives at the Neidharts’ home with his crew after being called out by TJ. After Dan Spivey’s unexpected turn as a substance abuse counselor last week, I’m a little bit surprised that the contractor wasn’t the Tonga Kid. Nattie tells Art that she wants to completely renovate the home for her parents. Art is all over it, presumably because this is his audition for a spinoff reality show about restoring the homes of various members of the Hart family. (And, if you think that concept is too narrow in its scope to work, I would like to remind you that there are enough Harts that you could do at least seven season and never feature the same one of them twice.)

Eva and family go out to dinner, and all of the men (and Eva) attempt an eight pound hamburger eating challenge. Jonathan and Nick tap out early, and, when Barry says he’s done, the rest of the family tries to push him along. He gets up and walks away from the table, retching off camera. I don’t know that “gorging myself to the point of vomiting” is on anybody’s bucket list.

At John Cena’s Fortress of Solitude, a gigantic box arrives for Nikki Bella. I would make jokes about Nikki having a large box, but Cena makes them for me. How can anybody boo this man? Even though the box could comfortable house a family of four, the only thing in it is the $15,000.00 purse that has been the focus of this evening’s episode. It turns out that Cena sprung for the handbag, which gets him quite a few kisses . . . and probably some other things off camera. This scene in no way, shape, or form affects anything that happens for the rest of the episode.

In Vegas, Barry and his boys are taking a nap when Eva wakes him up for “game night.” If there’s one thing that I go to Las Vegas for, it’s a stirring round of Mouse Trap with my family. In a confessional, Eva admits that Barry is not the most adventurous man, and we see flashback footage of all of the adventures that she has forced him to go on throughout the day, including a hike through the desert and firing off machine guns. Again, if this show is real, I’d like to know where she’s getting the money for all of these high end activities.

It’s time for another Raw taping, this time in San Antonio. Nikki walks with a brand new outfit and matching accessories, which Brie bitches her out for. Nikki wrestles Trinity and beats her with the Rack Attack. None of this was worth the time that they spent on it.

Art and his crew are moving forward in Tampa, and Nattie is pleased with the progress. Again, it feels like this snippet was included in the episode for no reason other than killing time.

The Maries arrive at a skydiving facility, and some of the brothers aren’t allowed to participate because they’re just too fat. I’m not making that up. As they get ready to board the plane, Barry decides that he’s not comfortable taking the plunge, even though Eva says that the whole point of the trip is to do activities together. They start throwing around the phrase “bucket list,” with one of the brothers pointing out that, in fact, the list in question is not what Barry would come up with for himself. He has the balls to say this even though he actively participated in the making of this list and never once attempted to cut off Eva’s plan. Speaking of Barry, he overhears the conversation and goes on a tear about how his children shouldn’t treat him like he’s minutes away from death. The scene is also notable for one of the brothers using the name “Eva” in a most condescending tone, which is exactly what I would do if I were forced to use my sister’s fake reality television moniker while on vacation with my family.

On the other side of an ad break, Eva Marie touches base with Barry Marie back at the hotel and asks what she can do to make the trip a good one for him. It turns out that all he really wants to do is spend time with the family, which should have been readily apparent to anybody with half a brain. (In other words, not Sid Vicious.)

Nattie and Trinity are driving around Tampa and put a call in to TJ. As part of the home renovation process, TJ has put in some of his own money to replace Ellie and the Anvil’s furniture, which Trinity uses to plant a seed in Nattie’s head about TJ not being such a bad guy after all.

The Bella Twins arrive at their financial planner’s office, and Brie says he specializes in representing sports entertainers. So his clients are professional wrestlers and . . . . American Gladiators? What other types of sports entertainers are there? The planner, Aaron Brodt, asks what post-WWE plans the women have. Nikki mentions her on again, off again real estate license from prior seasons and Brie says she wants to be a mommy. Brodt says that pregnancy might end Brie’s WWE career and isn’t really a contingency plan. Yeah, because no woman has managed to hold down a career with World Wrestling Entertainment after giving birth. Isn’t that right, Stephanie?

Anyway, the upshot of the meeting is that Brie gets upset because she feels as though the financial planner turned things around on her and favored Nikki as opposed to backing Brie. We don’t get to see the end of the meeting, but we do see the girls leaving their appointment after a commercial break. As they drive away, they talk about post-wrestling plans and the possibility of investing in a wine bar.

We shoot back to Tampa, where Trinity and Nattie are now shopping for furniture. In what is probably a huge breakthrough that is treated like an afterthought, Nattie admits that her problems with TJ stem from the fact that she’s afraid that he will engage in some of the more troubling behaviors that her father did when she was a child. Trinity, ever the voice of reason on the show, tells her to get her head on straight and that all the evidence we have about TJ points to him being reliable and loving. I presume that, just off camera, a teenage furniture salesman is standing there awkwardly wondering if he’s ever going to have an opportunity to extoll the virtues of barcalounger that Nattie is having her epiphany in.

After being told by her father that she needed to slow the pace of their vacation down, Eva Marie takes her family to a track at which they have an opportunity to drive professional grade race cars. So he won’t jump out of a plane, but he’ll drive at 200 miles an hour as a complete amateur? And, after telling his family that he didn’t want to be involved in any wild, over the top adventures, Barry is ultimately made happy by being thrust into a wild, over the top adventure? All righty.

Ellie and the Anvil’s house is finished, and Nattie is thrilled with it. She brings Ellie in after telling the bus driver to MOVE! THAT! BUS! Since this is a WWE production and they like to save money wherever they can, the bus in question is the old Lex Express. We get dramatic shots of the house set to uplifting music, which is a bit odd because the house, although it looks rather nice, is still modest compared to what you normally see in television segments of this nature. Everybody cries. I never noticed this before, but Ellie looks and sounds an awful lot like her father Stu. Nattie talks about how happy she is to have done this for her mother, with TJ’s assistance.

With that, we close.

Overall: This episode was weird, in large part because of the editing. I have long been critical of the show for running too many storylines at once and jumping back and forth between them so quickly. That was a problem here again, but it was compounded by the fact that some of the editing choices were very odd. Segments were split up oddly between each other and between commercial breaks, and there were scenes shoehorned in even though they really did nothing to advance the plot or develop the characters. On top of that, two of the storylines – Bella vs. Bella and Eva in Vegas – felt like they didn’t reach and satisfying conclusion and just sort of meandered to an end. Occasionally on this show that has meant that there’s more to come on the next episode but, more often than not, it just means that whoever puts these things together failed at their job. It’s another odd, skippable episode in a long series of the them.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.