411’s Total Divas Report 3.2.15

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to 411mania’s Total Divas report. I am your party host Ryan Byers, and we’re here for more vapid, plastic action. Let’s get right into it.

In Phoenix for the cold open, Brie Bella has purchased a “voice alert” system that apparently detects motion and then plays a recording to scare off intruders. In other words, they decided to recycle some b-footage from the show about Brie freaking out over her home being burgled. She and Bryan Danielson decide that the perfect thing to record into the system would be the two of them barking like dogs. This has zero to do with the plots for the rest of the episode, but I will admit that the visual of Danielson essentially barking into an answering machine was fairly amusing.

After the micro-theme song, Nattie Neidhart and TJ Wilson go out to dinner, with Nattie explaining that things have been much better for them since Tyson had her parents’ house renovated last week. She tells him how much she appreciated that and breaks into tears when thinking about her father’s medical condition. TJ says that the person they should really feel bad for is their cat, who just got neutered. Is there a moment of TJ Wilson’s life where he is not thinking about those animals? Nattie ultimately says, “I’m happy I have you,” to which TJ responds, “You have me?” Sweet Jesus, this is some Brat Pack level schmaltzy sentimentality here.

Raw is in Indianapolis, and Paige meets with Creepy Talent Relations Mark, who is for some reason folding a very old school blue sequined cape for a wrestler. Paige is meeting with Mark because she wants to get a tattoo of her mother on either her arm or her chest, and she needs company approval. Mark leans towards saying no, particularly after he gets the opinion of Jerry Lawler, who is also hanging out backstage. Lawler notes that he does not find large tattoos on women to be attractive. Hey, if you look at the demos for Raw, the majority of the audience is far closer to Lawler in age than most people might think, so his opinion isn’t a bad one to elicit.

Out in front of the crowd, Tyson and Nattie wrestle Adam Rose and the Bunny. Nattie claims that all the fans are now chanting “Nattie’s husband,” even though it’s clear from the audio played on the show that maybe two people were doing it in the arena of 15,000. Also, though I doubt the Total Divas to Raw crossover audience is that large, I love the idea that you have a show that could at least in theory lead to a new demographic being turned on to mainstream WWE programming, and you decided to highlight something as ridiculous as the Bunny on that show.

Elsewhere in the arena, the Bella Twins and Ariane are in catering, and Ariane reports that she’s nervous because her family is soon to meet boyfriend Vinny’s family, and her family is “off the chain.” In particular, Ariane is embarrassed to introduce her father to other people because he’s a former crackhead (no, seriously, that’s the plot point) and is missing some of his teeth. She seeks advice from the Bellas about how to facilitate the families’ meeting, and that goes about as well as you would expect the Bellas giving advice about interpersonal relationships to go.

Before we move on to the next scene, let me stop to point out something that I find absolutely mind-blowing here. The storyline on this week’s episode is that Ariane Andrew – Ariane FREAKING Andrew – may be embarrassed by the behavior of another human being. For those of you who may be new to the series or may be new to these reviews, let me give you a shortlist of some of the more memorable storylines on this show that have involved the former Funkadactyl:

ARIANE ANDREW’S GREATEST HITS

1. Ariane decides that she needs better ring gear. To accomplish her goal, she repeatedly insults WWE seamstress Sandra, i.e. the woman who makes her ring gear.

2. Ariane attempts to pull out of a wrestling match because she has a yeast infection.

3. Ariane decides that the key to success in professional wrestling is getting breast implants. (You know, because all of the greats like Andre and Steamboat had implants.) Also, she is mesmerized by her dog eating its own vomit.

4. Ariane gets into a physical altercation with her tag team partner over the outcome of a go kart race.

5. Ariane fondles the frosting penis on an erotic novelty cake.

6. Ariane decides that she’s going to be introspective and make herself a better person. She accomplishes this by going to her mother’s home and outlining all of the ways in which her mother was a horrible parent.

7. Ariane has her appointments with a sex therapist documented on national television.

8. Ariane goes on a cross-country road trip and makes it about fifty miles before she annoys her travel companions to the point that they all just decide to give up on the vacation.

And I could go on like this for a while. Given all of that (and more) the fact that I’m supposed to believe that Ariane could possibly be embarrassed by the actions of another human being is patently ridiculous. If anything, Ariane’s family should be embarrassed to be seen with her, not the other way around.

With all of that said, TJ Wilson has now officially moved back into his home, and he’s far more excited to see his cats than his half-naked wife. (To be fair, the cats are fully naked.) Five minutes into the Neidharts’ reunion, they get into an argument about NXT Takeover, because TJ thinks that Nattie has intentionally overshadowed him, leading to the “Nattie’s husband” chants. This somehow turns into the couple talking about what TJ’s career after professional wrestling will be, because, as Nattie points out, TJ won’t be able to wrestle when he’s sixty. Wait, does she think that she’ll be able to wrestle until age sixty? Nattie suggest that her husband’s backup career should be modeling. That makes perfect sense, as there are far more opportunities for modeling after age sixty than there are opportunities for professional wrestling.

In what may or may not be Death Valley, California, Ariane and Eva Marie are driving around, and Ariane is shoving massive wads of french fries into her mouth while behind the wheel. They’re going to visit Ari’s father. So it’s embarrassing for Vinny and his family to meet the father, but it’s not embarrassing fro Eva Marie to meet the father? Oh well, I guess if there is somebody that has no room to be critical of somebody else’s family members, it’s Eva. The two women drive to almost literally the middle of nowhere, where they find a modest home occupied by members of Ariane’s family.

We meet Forrest, Ariane’s father, and Liz, her stepmother. We also meet their bird, who goes unnamed. Ariane explains that she’s come out to visit because she wants to invite them to dinner with Vinny’s family. Forrest says that he’s not been going to as many places lately, including church, because he’s missing his teeth. Oh yeah, it’s also mentioned that he used to be a pastor. If you were really going to church with good Christian people, shouldn’t they accept you regardless of your dental work? I must have missed the part of the Bible in which Jesus dined with the lepors but then refused to have anything to do with those who had gingivitis. Eventually, Ariane promises to get daddy to the dentist and get things fixed up, and she also admonishes him about wearing his “pimp outfit” to dinner.

Nattie and TJ go to a modeling agency, where they meet with a representative named David Todd. Never trust somebody with two first names. They take a few test photos. Saying like this is watching paint dry is an insult to drying paint.

At a Smackdown taping in Biloxi, Paige’s tattoo request is formally denied. The rationale is that the tat would too dramatically alter her “brand” and potentially upset Mattel’s plans for their new line of action figures. And that’s why nobody in WWE ever changes their look, ever. Isn’t that right, Daniel Bryan?

Ariane and Forrest go shopping to get him a new suit for the upcoming dinner, and Ari chooses a fairly upscale store. Forrest looks nice in what is picked for him but ultimately decides that his daughter is attempting to dress him more conservatively than he’s comfortable with. He needs something, to use his own words, “more fly.” Amen. Ariane explains that she wants everything to be perfect when he meets Vinny’s family, but she feels bad for embarrassing her father.

Nattie and TJ arrive at a photo shoot, which the modeling agency they met with sees as a test run for TJ’s prospective career. He gets prepped, and his makeup artist looks much more like Mick Foley than I every imagined anybody in the fashion industry looking. Many photographs are taken, but Nattie gets uncomfortable when TJ has to strip down to his underwear and stand next to attractive women. This is despite the fact that TJ essentially appears in his underwear every week on national television, sometimes even standing around with women who are not Nattie Neidhart.

Now Ariane and Forrest arrive at the office of Jamie E. Sands, DDS. Something something, unoriginal joke about Kane, something something. Forrest outlines the problems that he has had with his dentures, which are ill-fitting. Dr. Sands confirms that whoever put these together did a horrible job. Ariane asks if we can have Forrest’s mouth fixed up in a week, but the doctor says that it’s impossible given the numerous problems she has to address. In other words, Ariane is going into her big dinner with no new suit and no new mouth for her daddy.

Paige, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendes are hanging out and talking about their respective histories waxing their bikini areas. For the second time in as many episodes, Paige is quick to point out that she is really, really hairy. Well, at least that means she’s got a chance with Ric Flair. This is – fortunately – interrupted when Ricky Knight, Pagie’s father and a former professional wrestler in his own right (though that part is not mentioend on the show), calls up from jolly old England and tells his daughter that he too disapproves of her getting tatted up. Paige is all like, “It’s my hot body, I do what I want!” but the scene doesn’t really accomplish anything that wasn’t already accomplished by Creepy Talent Relations Mark shooting down the body art.

Nattie and TJ have a second meeting with David Todd to review the photos from the big shoot. The conclusion is that Wilson doesn’t have what this particular agency is looking for, because they deal in “high fashion,” but they want to refer him out to another agency that focuses on athletic and commercial modeling. This storyline feels like it’s on the fast lane to nowhere.

Vinny and Ariane drive off to the epic meeting of the families dinner. Ariane makes fun of Vinny for driving like an old woman. Forrest arrives “dressed like a pimp” according to Ariane. I’ve not seen many pimps in my day, but this guy looks much more like an old man in his pajamas than he does Huggy Bear. Ari tells Forrest to take off his pimp jacket and put in his dentures. He complies. I should also note that Forrest’s reaction to being called a pimp is, “Well, I used to be.” So, not only is he a reformed crackhead, but he’s also a reformed pimp. Forget the Total Divas, can I get a reality show about this guy’s life? Bonus points if the show involves him attempting to turn Jim Neidhart’s life around with assistance from Danny Spivey and DDP.

Shortly after Ari finishes telling her family to be on their best behavior, Vinny takes Forrest aside and says that there’s something he wants to talk to him about. Ariane is confused, but the conversation that the two men have is exactly what any person with a modicum of foresight would expect, as Vinny asks for Forrest’s blessing to propose to Ariane. Forrest, going against form for fathers on this series, says that Vinny has been his son since the first day that they met and that he knows he will be a great husband for Ari.

In Florida, Nattie and TJ have a heart-to-heart that Nattie begins by saying that she loves him and would do anything for him. Of course, this is the lead in for him saying that she doesn’t want him modeling anymore because she is upset with the fact that the job involves him rubbing up on beautiful women. I have two problems with that: 1) This sounds like the exact opposite of what a person who would do anything for you would say and 2) THIS WAS NATTIE’S IDEA. What did she think modeling consisted of? Anyway, the tension is immediately resolved, because TJ says he also was not comfortable with touching non-Nattie women. John Cena and Nikki Bella did this exact storyline way better a few weeks ago when Cena was faux fucking Amy Schumer.

Back at wherever Vinny and Ariane are, his parents arrive. Once the full group has gathered around the dinner table, Forrest decides that he’s going to give a speech, announcing to the assembled masses that Vinny has asked for Ariane’s hand in marriage. Everybody is taken aback, because he’s essentially jumped the gun on the couple’s engagement. Not to be outdone, Vinny’s father gets up as well and says he wants them to be together forever and have plenty of children. In a brief aside, Vinny does get to explain his conversation with Forrest so that Ariane is not completely confused.

After the dinner, Ariane apologizes to her father for being embarrassed of him. It doesn’t matter if he has all of his teeth or has nice clothes, she says. Good job, Ari. At age 27, you’ve figured out something that most people figure out before they graduate from high school.

In Tampa, Alicia and Rosa are driving along when they get a phone call from Paige, who alerts them to the fact that she’s at a tattoo parlor. They roll up on the shop, which you know is reputable because the only signage on the building says “TATTOOS” in massive letters and nothing more. That’s the functional equivalent of stopping at one of those restaurants off of the highway that are just called “EAT.” Fox and Mendes arrive to find Paige’s chest covered with temporary ink in a skull and roses design, getting ready for the tattoo artist to make it permanent. Wait a minute, I thought that we established earlier in the episode that Paige was going to get a tattoo “of her mother.” Did she change her mind, or does this mean that Paige perceives her mother as a skinless, disembodied head with flowers shoved into its mouth?

Okay, so I guess that’s actually not too far off.

Anyway, Alicia and Rosa try for about fifteen seconds to convince Paige not to go through with the tattooing. They quickly stop, because Nattie Neidhart arrives, wearing a conservative suit that makes Hillary Clinton’s normal attire look like lingerie. She was called in by Rosa and Alicia to play “Momma Diva.” Nattie says the same thing to Paige that everybody else has been saying to her all episode long, namely that potentially throwing away her career is not worth the tattoo.

When we come back from a commercial break, Paige shows up backstage at Raw and reveals to her coworkers that she didn’t go through with the big tattoo, though she did get a couple of small pieces on her thumbs. That’s the episode.

Overall: This was the week of anti-climaxes. You had three storylines throughout the show, and all of them built and built for a big blowup at some point, only to be resolved in the quickest and most mundane way imaginable. If you’re telling a story, the tension needs to pea; there needs to be a climax . . . and none of that occurred. Instead, when we got to the point that the big blowup would have logically occurred, the story just ended. This would be the functional equivalent of two wrestlers building a few for weeks on television, only to shake hands and make up on the night of the pay per view. That all created a show which, even though it wasn’t infuriatingly bad, sure was boring.