411’s Total Divas Report 7.21.15

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

Did you notice that we’re still a week behind? You probably didn’t, because most people who I’ve spoken with who read this review openly admit that they don’t watch the show.

We pick up where we left off last week, with Eva Marie and Jonathan meeting the Bellas and Bryan Danielson at a sushi bar. Everybody pretends that there’s no tension between them, which I suppose makes sense, because there shouldn’t be. Eva says she’s confused. She really doesn’t need to say that. I assume it’s her default mode. Further confounding Eva, Nikki asks her out on a lunch date the next day. Unsurprisingly, Danielson rises above this bullshit and just hides in the background.

In a confessional, Brie says she’s got a lot of respect for her sister’s huge heart. Huge heart, eh? That explains why her chest is so swollen.

Now we’re at a charity event with most of the cast, where Eva’s allies Nattie and Trinity try to convince her that talking things out with Nikki over lunch will be a positive, but Eva thinks it might be a setup. Yes, a setup. Kofi Kingston might be there waiting for her with a bazooka full of packing peanuts and talcum powder, a la WWE Swerved.

(Have I mentioned yet that Swerved is my new favorite wrestling television show? Step aside, G1 Climax.)

The Bellas and Danielson go out for drinks and discuss BriBry’s desire to have a baby. Nikki wonders where she’ll be a year from now. “Alone,” says Danielson. Nikki asks if they ever think about how constantly talking about babies makes her feel. “It’s your own fault,” says Danielson. Ladies and gentlemen, playing the role of Ryan Byers on this week’s Total Divas will be “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson. He also posits that, if anybody should be breeding with John Cena, it should be Jackie Joyner-Kersee, as their combined intelligence and athletic ability would lead to the next evolution of humanity. I can’t add anything to that. It’s too perfect on its own.

Elsewhere, Nattie meets up with MADUSA~! about her induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. Nattie admits she’s confused as to why she was asked to induct Madusa, because they don’t really know each other. Great to see WWE admitting on its own programming that the HOF inductor selections are basically made by throwing darts at a board full of wrestlers’ names. ‘Dus explains that it’s because they’re both wrestlers . . . I guess as contrasted with all of the plumbers and tailors who are hanging out backstage at the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. The new best friends walk off together to trade notes about their experiences fighting big women named “Kong” in Japan.

Apparently the Bella twins’ mother Cathy has flown in for Wrestlemania, and she meets up with her daughters. She complains about somebody having stolen her flip-flops. Unfortunately, my wish doesn’t come true, and the show does not immediately convert itself into a Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen-style juvenile mystery with the Bellas trying to hunt down mommy’s missing thongs. Mama Bella offers up sage advice about the Eva Marie situation, saying that Brie needs to find some compassion and that Nikki’s plan to smooth things over at lunch is a good one.

Once that wraps up, we transition to the aforementioned lunch. Eva says that she plans to hear Nikki out because she’s the WWE Divas Champion and therefore the one who sets the tone in the women’s locker room. Yes, you heard that correctly, Eva Marie has convinced herself that Nikki is in the same “locker room leader” position that the Undertaker was in during the late 90s and early 00s when he would preside over wrestlers’ court. She is the Nikkertaker. (Be sure to annunciate when you use that nickname, otherwise you’ll sound like Hulk Hogan engaging in foreplay with his best friend’s wife.)

The two women lay out their respective positions on the backstage blowup from LA a couple of weeks ago, and rather than attempting to smooth the situation over and find middle ground like a true leader would do, Nikki tries to explain why she was 100% correct and Eva is 100% in the wrong. Meanwhile, Eva tries to tell Nikki why she felt Nikki’s actions were inappropriate, which leads to a confessional in which Nikki refers to Eva as a “total bitch.” Yes, she’s a total bitch, even though she was doing precisely the same thing that you were doing. I cannot believe it, but this show has actually found a way to make me sympathetic towards Eva Marie.

Nikki caps it off by telling the most blatant lie this side of Paul Heyman, saying that none of the girls are concerned enough about Eva to even bother talking shit about her. THE ENTIRE SEASON PREMIER WAS BASED AROUND THE CAST TALKING SHIT ABOUT HER. IT IS ON VIDEO. Eva, making a remarkably cogent argument considering everything else that she’s ever said in her life, posits that Nikki is the one who has the responsibility to calm things in the women’s locker room and she’s failing to do that, opting to increase the divisiveness instead. In other words, Eva tells Nikki that she’s failing as a locker room leader.

I don’t often appeal to help from the comments section, but can somebody please tell me who the babyface and who the heel is supposed to be in this situation? By all rights Eva Marie is acting like the more mature and sensible person (think about THAT for a second), but the entire show is basically built and marketed around the Bellas, so I can’t imagine that Nikki is being booked as the bad guy. So, so confusing.

Both women walk away in a huff, and Nikki runs to the arms of her twin sister. Nikki is APPALLED that this model with virtually no wrestling training or love for the business would confront her and try to become a WWE champion. In other words, Nikki has transformed into all of the “smart marks” on the internet who said the exact same things about the Bella Twins when they debuted in wrestling eight years ago. Next thing you know she’ll be slamming ten Mountain Dews a day and using her neck beard to rub Dorito dust off of her hands. Nikki breaks down crying because of the mean, mean things that Eva said to her, and Brie comforts her by saying that she is the best champion ever because she empowered women (bullshit) by fighting her way to the top after being bullied about her weight for years on television. Huh? Did Brie just have a mini-stroke that caused her to confuse her sister with Molly Holly or Mickie James? When in the blue hell was Nikki Bella bullied about her weight for years?

“I just want to see John,” says Nikki. I watched Trainwreck this weekend. I feel like I’ve seen too much of John lately.

From there we head to the Hall of Fame ceremony, where Nattie is getting her makeup did while trying to smooth out an issue related to the tie her father is wearing that is never really explained. Then, an unnamed “WWE Producer” whose face is never shown on camera approaches her. I didn’t realize that Vince had signed Dr. Claw away from MAD. The producer tells Natalya that she needs to revise her induction speech, eliminating a story about how Arn Anderson is afraid of Madusa. We event get a split-second shot of Arn and his glorious chest hair from the prime of the Four Horsemen flashed across our screens. There was more concentrated manliness broadcast in that one image than there has been broadcast in the entire history of the E! Network.

Elsewhere backstage, Paige and Alicia Fox pose for photographs with Larry Zbyszko. Please make him Alicia’s new manager. Eva walks by and tries to compliment the two women (but not Larry) on their outfits, but she’s given the cold shoulder. She complains about how awful it is to be in a workplace with so much drama and then eats a salad with her bare hands.

The real highlight of the scene is Eva and Jonathan walking by a sign indicating where a WWE “production meeting” is occurring, below which somebody has hung up a hastily printed drawing of William Shakespeare. This is literally the only time somebody will make a connection between Shakespeare and what goes on in a WWE production meeting.

Nattie and Jim Neidhart meet up with Nikolai Volkoff backstage. In case you were wondering, he’s still wearing the same red pinstripe suit we saw him in during Tuesday Night Titans in the 1980s. That suit literally has to be older than I am. Nattie cries because the WWE brass doesn’t like her speech.

We get highlights of Bryan Danielson giving the inaugural Warrior Award to Conner Michalek. It’s no less tear-jerking than it was four months ago. I’m not even going to dignify it how they try to tie it in to the ongoing Bella fertility storyline.

From there we go to Nattie’s induction of Madusa, where she DEFIES THE COMPANY’S EDICT and tells her Arn Anderson story despite the mandate of the faceless producer. I can’t wait to see all of the consequences for this blatant disrespect that Natalaya has shown to her employer. Madusa comes out and claims her award. We see her for two seconds.

We are now in Levis Stadium for Wrestlemania. The Bellas and Paige destroy kayfabe by walking around together and talking about how great they all are, despite the fact that they’re opponents later in the evening. They promise to have the best Wrestlemania match ever. If he heard that statement, Shawn Michaels would die just so that he could have the opportunity to roll over in his grave.

We get footage of the pre-show Tag Team Title match, including Nattie putting El Torito in the sharpshooter and Trinity hitting a stereo tope with her husband.

As the Intercontinental Title match goes on for the live crowd, the Bella Twins watch backstage with Madusa and Paige. The Bellas explain their Total Divas storylines to Madusa, who looks like she would rather be anywhere else in the world. The twins leave, and Madusa takes the opportunity to give Paige some advice about being a pro wrestler while the Bellas run through spots with each other in a fancy looking lobby. When I say “run through spots together,” I don’t just mean that they’re talking them over . . . they’re actively lifting each other for scoop slams and the like.

Eventually we get to the women’s tag team match on the card, pitting the Bella Twins against Paige and AJ Lee. Surprisingly, they show the finish with AJ tapping out one of the Bellas. Backstage, Ariane freaks out because she called the finish correctly. Yeah, because those aren’t common knowledge backstage on the day of the show. Paige walks around after the match and cries about how thrilled she is to have had her first Wrestlemania match. Nikki sees this, and it reminds her about how great life as a WWE performer is, solidifying her decision to re-sign with the company.

Oh yeah, some guy named the Rock shows up. Michael Cole yells his name, and, rather than seeing anything that the biggest star currently in wrestling did on the show, we switch over to Phoenix, Arizona, where BriBry are meeting with their fertility doctor. They are . . . both completely fertile. In fact, the test results show that Bryan is exceptionally fertile. Wow, it’s almost like their concern about this issue was based solely on an offhand comment that Brie’s sister made at lunch and not any legitimate medical complications that they were having.

In a confessional, Brie realizes that if she wants to have a baby she’s going to have to be around her husband, so she too will re-sign with WWE.

Back home, Eva Marie is having dinner with her husband, and she announces that she has signed with Brad Slater, the same agent who represents the Rock and Ronda Rousey. Jonathan is thrilled, which I didn’t necessarily expect. Wasn’t he her manager? Doesn’t this mean that he’s losing out on income from this deal? Oh well, I suppose there are worse things than being a kept man.

The couple celebrates Eva’s success by eating chicken hearts off of a giant skewer. That officially makes them my kind of people.

Overall: Even though it is remarkably obnoxious and involves characters acting in ways that no real person would act, I do appreciate the fact that the show is trying to turn the tension between Eva Marie and the rest of the roster into a several episode-long storyline, because it makes the show feel much more focused than it has been in past seasons. Despite that effort, this episode still felt weird, because they were advancing their regular plots for about two-thirds of the episode and then, out of nowhere, virtually everything was dropped so that we could watch ten minutes of Wrestlemania footage and spew out superlatives about how WWE is the epitome of the personification of the apex of all forms of live entertainment or some shit. It was really jarring. I would say that it impacted my enjoyment of the show, but, let’s be real, I wasn’t enjoying the show to begin with.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.