wrestling / TV Reports

411’s Total Divas Report 7.7.15

July 15, 2015 | Posted by Ryan Byers
Total Divas Image Credit: WWE

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to your first Total Divas report of the new season. I wish I could say that I’m as excited to be writing this as some of you are to be reading it.

Let’s get the housekeeping notes out of the way first. Some of you have no doubt noticed that season four of Total Divas actually debuted last week, and I did nothing to cover it. That’s because I had previously committed to cover Ask 411 Wrestling for Mathew Sforcina, and I did not realize that it overlapped with the debut date. This week, my intention was to review both episodes one and two of season four, but things got nuts at work and I missed episode two, meaning that I could only catch episode one on demand.

So, this week we’ve just got episode one. My intention is to catch up with the season at some point, but Tuesdays are much more difficult for me to catch this show on than Sundays, so we might have a few irregularities as things move forward.

You’re sick of hearing me talk about this, though. Let’s just get to the heart of things, your WWE Total Divas review for the episode originally airing July 7, 2015.

Last season: The Bella Twins tell Creepy Talent Relations Guy that they’re leaving WWE. In case there is someone reading this who somehow does not watch any other WWE television, let me clue you in on something: They didn’t go anywhere, not even for a split second to sell this angle.

We open on Paige and Naomi/Trinity rolling up on a restaurant called Django, where they are the only patrons aside from Alicia Fox and Nattie Neidhart. The talk of the town is the Bella Twins and their departure from WWE, which Foxy and Paige think will create some opportunities for them. I don’t know about that, John Cena and Bryan Danielson seem pretty committed.

As if on cue (because it is), the Bellas show up and change the topic to Eva Marie, because according to shows like this, women can’t talk about each other unless it’s behind somebody’s back. The girls go on to talking about their gimmicks, and Nikki takes umbrage to this, because she somehow sees Alicia Fox doing a Halle Barry gimmick (whatever the fuck that would be) as a threat to her spot. Oh, and Nattie talks about doing a dominatrix character. FORESHADOWING~!

After the meal ends, the Bellas are out walking the street (not like that) and Nikki says that she will not miss brunches when they leave WWE. Are you sure? Based on this TV show, you spend about 75% of your day at brunch, and I’d think you would miss that big a chunk of your life in some ways, even if you didn’t necessarily enjoy it. Nikki says it will be fun to watch the other girls try to take her spot when she’s gone.

We are now in Des Moines, Iowa for Monday Night Raw. The Bellas wrestle Paige and AJ Lee, who surprisingly doesn’t just have a big blue dot superimposed over her face. They do show an awful lot of her selling, though. In her confessional, Nikki starts having second thoughts about leaving WWE, because it took her so long to get where she is. Oh, come on. You couldn’t even let that storyline last for fifteen minutes?

After Nikki rack attacks AJ, we smash cut to Smackdown in Kansas City, where Brie is grooming Bryan Danielson’s beard. Nattie and Nikki arrive at the same time, and Nattie puts over Nikki’s match from Raw. After that, Nattie takes selfies with Emma and Summer Rae, so apparently their blood feud from a couple of seasons ago is over.

Speaking of Nattie, she’s as nosy as ever, asking Creepy Talent Relations Mark about the Bellas’ departure and then pitching her dominatrix character to him. This is the kind of guy who I can picture ending that conversation prematurely to run off and furiously masturbate to his mental image of the gimmick. Completely out of left field, Nattie suggests that Eva Marie could be her dominatrix sidekick, which I guess would be sort of a Chyna/Miss Kitty vibe . . . or at least a Linda Miles/Bashams vibe.

Creepy Talent Relations Guy, who just seconds earlier had refused to talk about the Bella Twins’ business with Nattie, suddenly lets drop this huge secret that Eva Marie will not be touring with the company for a while, as she is now based in California training for five to seven days per week. Nattie is taken aback because she was told that Eva would be working at the WWE Performance Center, and she’s even more upset when Mark implies that Eva will be the one getting the Bella Twins’ spot.

Speaking of Eva Marie, we cut to a dingy warehouse of some sort (perhaps the old set from Wrestling Society X), where The Brian Kendrick is standing over Eva Marie in a wrestling ring and barking at her to perform repeated back bumps. Eva’s husband Jonathan is there looking on, because god forbid he get a real job. Eva and Kendrick do spots together and she takes bumps, which is an unusual sight on this show because, after four seasons, it’s their most overt admission that pro wrestling is staged.

Back in Kansas City, Nattie tells the rest of the cast about Eva Marie’s private training, and everybody is upset that Eva is not working in Orlando. Some of them are pissed that she apparently lied about them going to California, while others are pissed that she’s getting the individualized attention for her training that they didn’t. Trinity, as always, is the voice of reason, stating that regardless of where she trains, Eva is going to have to prove herself when she gets back to the main roster. So, let me get this straight. Nobody was angry at Eva Marie when she got her position in the company by being cast on this reality show, but suddenly she’s deserving of hate because she’s finally taking steps to learn the job that she was never qualified to do in the first place. Okay, then.

Because this poor man just can’t catch a break, the Bellas now get up in Creepy Talent Relations Mark’s face about Eva Marie’s arrangements. Mark says that the company needs Eva in California for other business opportunities, an explanation that makes perfect sense, but of course nobody accepts it. Mark changes the topic to something that is actually relevant to the Bellas, i.e. whether they’re going to re-sign with the company. In a confessional, Nikki says that their refusal of the initial contracts lead to a big money offer from WWE, which they are considering.

Oh yeah, while this is all going on, we conveniently just happen to be at the point in the ongoing “Smackdown” show where Luke Harper dumps Daniel Bryan right on his head off of a suplex. Two things are hilarious about this: 1) That match actually happened on Raw and not the Smackdown taping we were told we were at for this scene and 2) Brie Bella reacts as though her husband being driven down on to his surgically repaired neck is no biggie, while MARK CARRANO of all people runs out of the room panicked like somebody just told him his grandmother was on fire.

At Casa de Eva Marie, the young lady is showing her training bruises to Jonathan. He encourages her to keep up with Kendrick’s regimen because Kendrick is – and this is a direct quote – “dope.” I don’t know if I’ve ever heard anybody describe Brian Kendrick that way before . . . mainly because Brian Kendrick wasn’t wrestling in the early 1990s when that phrase would have been socially acceptable. Eva concludes that they’re going to need to “invest in more ice” for her injuries. Given how her character has been built on this show, I have no trouble believing that Eva thinks you can only obtain ice through trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Jon Uso, Trinity, and Nattie are at a sex shop because, well, why not? Seriously, though, Nattie feels that she needs to research her dominatrix gimmick, even though Carrano told her pretty clearly that it wasn’t going to be happening due to the company’s TV-PG rating. They try on a few different gimp masks and play around with raccoon tail butt plug, which Nattie mistakes for a cat toy. It’s good to see her gimmick of being a seventy-five year old prude is being preserved in this new season.

Nikki Bella has dinner with Mama Bella Cathy, who is dropping some career advice. Nikki says her goal is to be the female version of the Rock or John Cena. She should probably specify which one of those she wants to be, because, as much as I like John Cena, those are two drastically different careers with two drastically different levels of mainstream acceptance.

At the Neidhart/Wilson residence in Tampa, TJ is taunting a cat with a feathered toy that is not meant to go into somebody’s anus. A woman named Adina shows up, and she is a deaf dominatrix who Nattie has hired to give her some pointers. I didn’t know that being deaf was going to be part of the gimmick, but, hey, Nattie did say that she wanted to do something that hadn’t been done before. TJ absolutely refuses to participate in any of these BDSM shenanigans and leaves the house. My reaction would have been exactly the same. I have seen this man literally break his neck, and he did not appear to be as uncomfortable then as he was having a deaf dominatrix slap his ass in the middle of his living room.

After a commercial break, Nattie gets TJ on the phone, and he refuses to return to the house until the dominatrix is done. Nattie’s mother Ellie Hart shows up and asks her daughter what she’s up to. Nattie responds, “just some dominatrix stuff,” and Ellie reacts like she was told grass is green. Then again, Ellie grew up with a father who liked to take people into his “Dungeon,” so she’s used to kinky stuff.

At dinner with many of the other divas, Nattie and TJ recap their adventures with the dominatrix, but Nattie is having second thoughts about whether this could be a viable gimmick. Dude, your boss already told you three days ago that you weren’t going to be allowed to do this, so just let it die. Because she’s not there and because, in the universe of this television show, all women are horrible gossips, everybody starts talking about Eva Marie’s Instagram feed, where she posted a quote about lions not concerning themselves with sheep. The assembled wrestlers have zero indication that Eva’s post was directed at them, but they all take it that way . . . except for good old Trinity, who calls them out on their jealousy. I’m amazed that this woman plays a babyface so well on Total Divas and a heel so well on Raw.

Back in Los Angeles, Kendrick is running Eva Marie through some highspots, including a leapfrog, which she has allegedly never done before. She chokes on the leapfrog and has to take a breather. Don’t worry, Eva. I heard Jun Kasai had the same problem on his second week of wrestling school. Eva confers with Jonathan, and she’s frustrated – I’m sorry, actually she says she’s “fustrated” – because she’s not picking things up more quickly. Another factor is that Trinity told her that the other women were talking shit. Jonathan tells her to do it for her fans, to do it for the “Red Nation,” a phrase that would be near-banned if it referred to a sports team. Then, Eva gets into the ring, and she nails the leapfrog! I haven’t seen such a basic spot built up so effectively since I binge watched my “Best of Pat Patterson” comp last weekend.

We’re off to a “WWE live event,” where Nikki wants to talk to Brie about their contract situation, but not before she gets grossed out by Brie picking her nose. Way to make these women desirable to whatever limited male fanbase that may watch this show. Nikki says that, with three more years in the company, they could reach the level of John Cena. Brie doesn’t buy it. Neither do I. Neither do most non-lobotomy patients.

Now it’s time for Raw in Los Angeles. Brie asks the Prime Time Players what time the show starts . . . why wouldn’t it be the exact same time that the show starts every week? Anyway, Lillian Garcia of all people shows up and tells Brie that she was at an appearance with Eva Marie recently and that Eva was upset by the gossiping that she’s heard the rest of the women’s roster is doing about her. Brie does not take this well.

Hey, whatever happened with your husband being dropped on his head?

Lillian also reveals that Eva said that she told all of the women that she would be training in NXT, not Los Angeles.

WHY.

DOES.

IT.

MATTER.

WHAT.

SHE.

SAID.

Jesus! As if this wasn’t idiotic enough, Brie then says that Eva’s priorities are all wrong because the WWE shouldn’t be used as a stepping stone into movies. Yes, she’s saying this when she and her sister have made it their career goal to become the “next Rock.” You know, the most notable example of a guy who used WWE as a stepping stone into movies. Christ.

Elsewhere, Nattie has decided to not be a dominatrix, so she got a new robe instead. Titus O’ Neil appreciates the robe. Great resolution to that storyline.

Since Raw is in LA, Eva Marie shows up. Brie Bella decides to confront her and says that “the situation” is out of hand. Brie invites her to ask any of the women what their opinions of her are, because they will say it to her face. (RIP Alex Riley.)

Out in front of the crowd, Nikki wrestles Paige. I should note that this was established as being the go home Raw for Wrestlemania, so these two were feuding four months ago, and they’re still feuding today. This makes it all the more laughable when Nikki goes backstage and tells everybody that the women’s division is higher quality than it has ever been and that she’s going to stay with the company in order to help push it even further. Brie, for whatever reason, is still not fully on board.

Eva Marie goes to confront the other women, and they mix her walking around backstage with footage of Bray Wyatt’s entrance. I cannot think of two more dissimilar people on WWE’s roster. All of the women jump down Eva’s throat and refuse to let her get a word in edgewise, with Alicia Fox and Paige being the most obnoxious. Everybody yells over the top of each other, nothing is resolved, and the last thing that we see is Eva Marie walking towards . . . Paul Heyman.

I wish that was setting up something, but it’s almost certainly a huge coincidence.

Overall: I’ll start off by complimenting this show and saying that, from a structural standpoint, it was better than many prior episodes. The three main storylines were paced and distributed well throughout the show, building throughout the episode and, in the case of the two main storylines, growing into something that will carry over at least into the next episode if not a sizable chunk of the season.

Though the structure was better, the content was just as weak as it usually is. The show’s depiction of women always has been and continues to be terrible, as everybody except for Trinity is a horrible human being who can’t wait to talk about others behind their backs and cut their throats. Plus, anybody who has even remotely been paying attention to WWE knows that the Bella Twins’ angle goes absolutely nowhere, and the Nattie storyline is your typical unbelievable reality show schlock.

All in all, we’re pretty much exactly where we left off. I guess it’s comforting to know that there are some constants in the world.

That does it for this week. Join me next week for my special review of “I Am Cait.”

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

article topics :

Total Divas, WWE, Ryan Byers