411’s Total Divas Report 9.21.14

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to 411mania’s Total Divas Report! If you’re wondering why we’re two days late, it’s because I watched this Sunday’s WWE pay per view and planned to do this review off of a Total Divas replay airing later in the evening on E!, but I fell asleep before I could make it to the show. So, after a couple of days at my “real job,” here we are viewing TD on demand.

We’re in Chicago for WWE Payback, where Stephanie McMahon may or may not have pissed herself based on internet lore. Speaking of Steph, she’s in the ring and calls out Daniel Bryan. In a confessional, Brie flat-out admits that wrestling is fake, which is a point that this show previously seems to have flip-flopped on. She says the “storyline” of Payback is incorporating aspects of their real lives, namely Daniel’s injury. They show the majority of the angle with Brie quitting the company, and then BrieBry meets backstage with Nikki. Brie explains that the angle was a cover so that she could stay home and take care of Bryan, though the “rumor on the internet” is that she is pregnant. Heh, stupid internet.

“I’m trying,” says Daniel Bryan in response to the pregnancy rumors. I’m sure you are.

The next day, BrieBry goes out for a meal with Bella mother Cathy and the Bella Brother Dot. They talk about the fact that neither Brie nor Bryan has ever established a backup plan for life after WWE. Cathy suggests that they should interview with her job placement firm, which I’m sure she actually owns. Yup, no storyline contrivance there. Anyway, they decide to take her up on her offer.

Now we’re at Smackdown in Green Bay. This is apparently the show where Summer Rae returned to the company, pulling off a chicken costume to attack Layla during the era where Lay was valeting for Fandango. The show then runs a video package of “highlights” of Summer clashing with the other girls from last season. They are all taken horribly out of context to make Summer look like the villain, when the reality of the situation is that she was usually minding her own damn business only to be harassed by one of the “veteran” divas.

In Phoenix, Danielson and his dame are preparing for their career placement interviews. Brie says that she does not know if they “will have to know vocabulary.” Well, clearly you don’t, so I’d stop worrying about that one. They meet with Vanessa of the unnamed career placement firm. We establish that neither of them has a resume. At this point I’m settled in my career and don’t really have one either, so I can’t say that I blame them. Bryan tries to impress the recruiter by explaining that he created a “Yes!” chant that has become popular across several sports genres. Vanessa astutely notes that a chant is not going to feed his family, which deflates D-Bry’s ego. Unfortunately, she does not take it to the next level by saying, “Besides, Diego Sanchez is the one who started that.”

In Tampa, Nattie Neidhart and Rosa Mendes hit the gym together. As if on cue, Summer Rae shows up. She explains that she’s been off filming the latest Marine movie, which she calls one of “the biggest franchises in WWE.” They wouldn’t say that if Shane Douglas was with the company. Upon seeing Summer, Nattie immediately flies into gigantic bitch mode, by implying that she probably slept with her married co-stars and flat out saying that Layla is a better valet for Fandango than Summer was, because Layla is “a real dancer.” In a pretty damn awesome moment, Summer establishes that she understands the wrestling business better than the THIRD GENERATION MEMBER OF THE HART FAMILY, as she shuts Nattie down by explaining that her being an awful dancer while valeting Fandango was one of the things that was supposed to help give their heel act its heat. BOOM.

Nattie also downplays Summer’s accomplishments by saying, “Well, the Bellas got to be in the Flintstones and AJ got to do Scooby Doo.” I was getting ready to mock Nattie for pretending that children’s cartoons are more important than a feature-length motion picture, but then I realized that the “feature-length motion picture” in question is a Marine movie, and Fred Flintstone is ten times the box office attraction of the Miz.

Somewhere in there, Rosa makes Sumer Rae feel her boobs. Okay, I’m not sure why that was necessary.

Rosa also doesn’t understand why Nattie was a little ice princess towards Summer. Rosa tries to explain that Summer cannot be a bad person because she’s from North Carolina. No, seriously, that’s her rationale. I don’t get it either. Nattie tries to use the “you just wouldn’t understand” line, even though Rosa is clearly the voice of reason here.

Back in Phoenix, Daniel Bryan looks up the seven most profitable home businesses on a website named “Insider Monkey.” I would make fun of the name of the website, but Bryan actually does it for me. After some more web browsing, they get the idea to start a bed and breakfast. Brie spins this as an opportunity to make money while showing their guests how to live a sustainable, eco-friendly lifestyle. Yeah, that wouldn’t get obnoxious . . . here you are trying to consummate your marriage but the hairy, troll-looking innkeeper won’t stop bugging you about how magical his compost heap is. Brie also refers to the plan as “killing two birds with one stone.” Hopefully those are free range, antibiotic-free birds that she’s killing.

After literally five minutes of research, Brie has selected a home that she wants to purchase. Fortunately her sister was a realtor for 36 hours, so she should be able to land that one with no problem!

Bryan also suggests marketing their B&B towards swingers. “No Swingers,” says Brie.

Awwww . . . .

Eva Marie and Jonathan are DRIVING~! They’re headed to her family’s Fourth of July barbeque. She is wearing a ridiculous faux-Egyptian headpiece that Scott Steiner wouldn’t be caught dead in. They recap the storyline in which she is trying to convince Jonathan to convert to Catholicism in order to please her dying father. The exposition is the end of the scene . . . they don’t actually go anywhere beyond that.

Somehow, Brie has convinced Daniel Bryan that he needs to look at this bed and breakfast in Flagstaff that she wants to buy. It’s actually a beautiful location, though it comes with an $800,000.00 price tag. Of course, she’s in love with it, while he has sticker shock and doesn’t want to go into debt on the project. In other words, he’s right. “I know right now we can’t afford a bed and breakfast,” states Brie in one of those reality TV sentences that I honestly hope I never find myself saying.

Back at the Eva Marie-BQ, Jonathan seems to be getting along with Eva’s family at first, even the brother who looks like a bloated Rick Steiner. Bloated Rick asks about the conversion right off the bat, and Jonathan refuses to answer him. Good for him. We learn that Jonathan’s mother has also been invited over and, I’m not making this up, the woman’s name is LaLa. There is not one single joke that I can make that would result in that being any more funny than it is standing on its own. Her name is LaLa. I can’t wait for the next episode when Aunt Tinky Winky stops by.

Eva Marie’s father, whose name I finally managed to catch a chyron for (it’s Barry), asks LaLa what she thinks about having a Catholic wedding for her son. As any sensible person would do, she says that her son is a grown man and should make his own decision about what he wants to do. Yup. In an act of pure betrayal, Eva says in front of her whole family that she too would like Jonathan to convert, as opposed to backing him up. Needless to say, Jonathan is not happy. He gets up a leaves the dinner table, explaining that he needs to clear his head before he makes a scene. Doesn’t he know what show he’s on? The whole point here is to make a scene.

After a commercial, Eva hunts down her hubby. She feels torn between her husband and her biological family, particularly because of her father’s health. Jonathan’s response of, “I love you, but this is ridiculous” is dead on.

The Bella Twins go out for drinks, because Brie is conniving and wants to get the B&B out of her sister. She explains the plan and asks if she can borrow $100,000.00 of the $150,000.00 down payment from Nikki and John Cena. Nikki is on board, and she readily admits that vodka has a lot to do with it.

Back in California, Eva Marie meets with Barry Marie. She talks to him in her baby voice, pretty much the sure-fire way for a daddy’s girl to get anything that she wants out of her father. It works, too. After fifteen seconds of conversation, he has dropped all of the opposition that he’s had over the past two weeks to the non-Catholic wedding. There’s the moral of this week’s episode for all of the ladies out there: If you talk to your dad in the same voice you would try to use while acting as a decoy in a Perverted Justice sting operation (lol ill pretend u said 18), you will be able to shake his deeply held religious convictions to their core.

John Cena and Nikki Bella go out to brunch, where she not-so-subtlely brings up the B&B and mentions how great it will be when Cena loans BriBry the down payment money. Cena’s response? “No.” Nikki’s reaction? “This isn’t going well.” She’s the observant twin.

Cena launches into a pitch perfect explanation of why his financing this business would be a horrible idea. It’s in part because the Danielsons have no experience and no track record to demonstrate that the business will work and in part because he’s been burned by family members in the past who have tried their own entrepreneurial shenanigans. Nikki is scared to tell her sister that the loan has been denied, so Cena takes it upon himself to deliver the news. He also eats a hamburger that may outweigh El Torito.

In Arizona, Bryan receives a telephone call from John Cena, who tells him about the loan request and tells him that he’s denied. Bryan, who knew nothing of the inquiry, is pissed off and rightfully so. He says it makes him look bad and that Brie should have consulted with him first. Both points are abso-freaking-lutely correct. He walks out on the conversation with no real resolution.

After a WWE show somewhere in the world, Rosa Mendes has invited Summer Rae to ride along in her rental car with Nattie. Needless to say, Nattie is not happy, because she’s a horrible person. A little while into the trip, Nattie starts to complain about problems with her nose, which she implicitly attributes to Summer slapping her last season. Summer wants Nattie to directly say whether she thinks that Summer caused her nasal disability, so Nattie calls her a “trashy, classes person.” That escalated quickly. Summer inquires as to whether this is how Nattie treats her husband, so Ms. Neidhart goes COMPLETELY OFF THE DEEP END, driving erratically before pulling over to the side of the road and throwing Summer’s luggage out of the vehicle. At that point, we head into the footage that you’ve all seen in the teasers for weeks, with Nattie reaching into the backseat of the car and pulling Summer out of it by her hair. Note that Summer had closed the car door seconds earlier, so Nattie did not just attack her. She had to actually pound on the door and reopen it before she could attack her. Fortunately, Rosa is there to pull them apart. Nattie shoves her again so Summer pops her in the face.

Then . . . Nattie starts to walk away? Make up your mind as to whether you’re leaving or whether you want her to leave, okay?Of all of the people involved in this segment, it’s Rosa who winds up having a breakdown, eventually forcing both of the women to get back into the car and drive in silence to their next destination. I honestly would’ve loved to watch half an hour of that.

At next week’s show, Nattie pulls Rosa aside for a heart-to-Neidhart. Rosa explains that she was trying to mend the relationship between Summer and Nattie, which is laudable. Somehow, Rosa takes Nattie’s side in the whole dispute, saying that she couldn’t believe the side of Summer that she saw in the car. What side? The side where Nattie irrationally went after her and Summer was forced to defend herself? What about the side you saw of Nattie? You know, the punchy side? Anyway, Rosa and Nattie decide that they are BFFs, even though two episodes ago they were forced to play nice together by Creepy Talent Relations Mark and Nattie completely resented Rosa and the whole situation.

The Bella Twins are at Wizard World together. So much for that gimmick where Brie was going to stay home and take care of her husband. They get catty with one another about the loan situation, all while trying to smile pretty for the fans and sign their autographs. Somewhere in there, they actually have the balls to reference the “Nikki is a realtor” storyline as though this show gives two craps about continuity.

Back in Arizona, Bryan returns home from physical therapy (or perhaps from having sex with his physical therapist) and Brie apologizes for seeking the loan to close out the show. Hey, a believable resolution!

Overall: It’s a school night and it’s getting late, so I’m going to try to keep my final thoughts brief here. Perhaps the biggest gripe I have about the show this week is that it reverted to its old form of featuring characters acting in a manner that no human being could possibly act, all while asking us to sympathize with them. The highlights of that are:

1. The Bella Twins’ storyline, which is straight out of a 1950s sitcom, starring John Cena as the stern father;
2. Eva Marie’s father completely reversing course on his daughter’s wedding because . . . well . . . just because; and
3. Nattie Neidhart somehow being booked as the babyface in this feud with Summer Rae, despite the fact that she’s the one initiating all of the antagonism and, in this particular episode, resorts of physical violence in a situation in which it is completely unwarranted.

If this is what all reality television is like, I’m so glad that I checked out on it thirteen years ago.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.