411’s Total Divas Report 9.28.14

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to 411mania’s Total Divas Report! The exclamation point at the end of the prior sentence is a hollow attempt to convince myself that I’m excited about what I’m getting ready to watch.

For the record, I have spent the majority of this weekend sick in bed and watching installments of Ken Burns’ new documentary The Roosevelts that has been airing on PBS. I’m sure that I will be able to draw some strong parallels between that series and Total Divas.

Speaking of other television programs, I caught about three minutes of The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills before tuning into Total Divas tonight. I couldn’t quite identify what the premise of the show was, but it appeared to be a parody of traditional reality shows with Kenan Thompson from SNL playing an effeminate gay character. I guess there are worse concepts.

Backstage at Raw, Rosa Mendes is walking around with Paige of all people. They speak at length about Rosa’s new breasts, to the point that Paiger thinks Rosa is coming on to her. It seems like she’s coming on to her because . . . well, essentially because she is, as Rosa admits in a confessional that the Brit is just her type. I guess Mendes’ recent interactions with men have put her off of that gender altogether. Can’t say that I blame her. Paige says that she’s so nervous because of Rosa’s advances that her butt is starting to sweat. If Mendes makes her butt sweat, I’d hate to see what happens to her when Jerry Lawler is around.

The Bella Twins are having brunch, because that’s all WWE stars ever do according to this program. Brie repeats her ridiculous claim from two weeks ago that she and her husband are not making any money if they’re not working any shows. WHAT ABOUT THIS SHOW THAT THEY’RE WORKING RIGHT NOW?! The sisters argue over what wine they’re going to drink with brunch, because Brie doesn’t want an expensive one picked out. That’s it. That’s the entirety of the scene.

Mendes and Nattie Neidhart are piling into their rental car, sans Summer Rae fortunately. It was Nattie’s birthday recently, and Rosa is supremely upset by the fact that hubby TJ Wilson forgot to get her a gift or take her out to celebrate. In a confessional, Mendes says that the Queen of Harts deserves much better than that because she’s so giving.

Jon Uso and Trinity are bowling, complete with Trinity busting out a Fred Flintstone impression. This is the second Fred Flinstone reference on this show in as many weeks. Bizarre. If there’s another one next week, I’m going to start doing some research to see if Bunim Murray was purchased by Hannah Barberra. Trin gets a strike early in the game but celebrates too exuberantly and gets a little lightheaded. She blames this on a side effect of the birth control implant that she got last season. Another side effect? She can’t stop bleeding. Jon, continuing the actually funny pop culture references in this scene, compares said bleeding to the elevator tidal wave scene in The Shining. Ewwww.

Now the Bellas are driving to one of Nikki’s OB/GYN appointments. After last week’s hiatus, I figured that they had given up on Nikki’s Eggs of Future Past storyline. The two of them get into an argument in part because Nikki’s first concern on hearing about a drought is whether the price of wine will go up and in part because Brie is upset by Nikki scheduling her appointment at a time that will require them to travel in rush hour traffic. They’ve turned Nikki heel on WWE’s primary program, but this came off like they are turning Brie heel on Total Divas, because she took what should have been a couple of minor annoyances and tried to use them as justification for yelling at her sister, who is en route to following up on her upcoming major medical procedure.

Nattie and TJ are hanging out with Bret Hart backstage at NXT Takeover. We get footage of the Nattie Neidhart/Charlotte Flair match (and, yes, they do call her “Charlotte Flair”). If you haven’t seen that one yet, it’s worth the price of a one month WWE Network subscription. Some of the other women, including Summer Rae, are backstage, but they’re more interested in talking about Nattie’s birthday being forgotten. Summer is very happy when Nattie drops the fall, reacting like the match is a shoot even though last week they had Brie Bella say point blank that wrestling is a work. Look, I don’t care which side you pick, but just pick a side, okay?

BriBry are now shopping for a washer/dryer unit. Danielson wants to buy a used model to save money, but Brie does not want to do that because she’s a spoiled brat. Speaking of, she snaps on him because he’s focused on himself and not their home life. HE HAS A BROKEN NECK AND NEEDS TO REHAB TO SAVE HIS CAREER. IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE FOR HIM TO BE FOCUSED ON HIMSELF RIGHT NOW.

There’s a family gathering at the Nattie Neidhart house, including pappa Jim the Anvil. Jim’s first quote on TV is “Charlotte Flair can wrestle, but can she drink tequilla?” I don’t know if I’d book him to have that sort of reaction given his recently, fairly well publicized substance issues. TJ has gotten her a birthday present, and it’s one of those vibrating exercise machine gimmicks that you see in stock footage from the 1940s. She suspects that the gift is actually for him, a la Homer and Marge Simpson’s bowling ball from twenty-four years ago. This leads to Nattie blowing up further about her husband ignoring her birthday. Because this is the only way to end an argument on the show, Nattie storms out of the room as we go to commercial. In the background, Jim Neidhart laughs maniacally and strokes his beard. Okay, not really, but that’s how I would’ve booked it.

After a commercial, Nattie arrives at a hotel room and Rosa Mendes comes over to comfort her with ice cream and hummus. Uhhhh, yum? Rosa tries to get her to come over to her place, and confessional Rosa keeps talking about how caring Nattie is. This angle is going to end with Rosa wearing a mask made out of Nattie’s cat’s skin, isn’t it?

In our second OB/GYN-related angle of the show, Trinity arrives at her doctor alongside her UNCLE BUCK!!!!, who is making his big return for the season. Of course, they roll up in his notoriously broken down, smoking old station wagon.

Unfortunately for Trin, the word is that she has a polyp or two in her uterine lining. The concern is that these can lead to cancer, so they have to be removed.

Now John Cena and Nikki Bella are driving. Apparently Bryan Danielson called Nikki yesterday to talk about changes in Brie’s personality. Bryan suggested a bit of an intervention to calm Brie down, and John Cena/Ward Cleaver thinks that would be helpful. This came off as a blatant excuse to find something, anything for Cena to do so that he could be in the episode.

We’re at a bar or restaurant of some kind with a good chunk of the cast, gathered for a Nattie birthday party organized by Rosa. Cameron is there, and they briefly explain she hasn’t been around as much because of her plan from earlier in the season to go back to NXT for supplemental training. I have to give them credit, that’s not a bad excuse for limiting her time on the show to focus on other characters. Of course, those of us who actually watch Raw and Smackdown know that she never really spent a substantial period of time away from the main roster, but that’s neither here nor there. Nattie shows up for her party, and we learn that this was a surprise party. Presents are opened, and Rosa bought Natie some lingerie. Yup, cat skin mask is coming up.

Back at the hotel, Trinity has some stomach pain and recruits Jon to rub her. He thinks that she needs to get her polyps removed. Well, that is what the doctors said. She is afraid of surgery, though, and she wants to give her body more time to heal naturally. Jon makes the rookie move of revealing one of his true motives, stating that his wife’s condition is preventing them from having sex. Of course, that pisses her off in the “Is that all you think of?” manner. They then have an argument about whether Jon will call Trinity’s mamma about her health problems. Ms. Fatu says that, “You will not call my mamma.” I guess that’s why she changed her entrance music.

Another day, another brunch. This time it’s Trinity, Rosa Mendes, and Summer Rae. Trinity says that she’s been bleeding for two months and can’t satisfy her husband’s over the top libido. She wants to find a way to reward Jon’s patience, and Rosa, after two seconds of thought, suggests pole dancing lessons. Huh? How’s that supposed to satisfy him? You’re going to do a sexy dance for the guy and then send him to the bathroom so that he can finish himself off? Or are we just going to leave Jon’s little Uso twins a little blue in the face?

The girls go to their stripper lessons, and its a gratuitous excuse to flaunt some T&A. I’m frankly shocked that the pole dancing instructor for this segment hasn’t been signed to a developmental deal. Trinity is satisfied with her performance and says her husband is in for a Rude Awakening. I’m pretty sure they could’ve taught you that one down in NXT.

Down in Phoenix, Nikki and Bryan confront Brie about her Attitude Era. Brie’s reaction is “that’s fucking childish” until her husband chimes in. Danielson tries to discuss the issues calmly and rationally, but Nikki starts talking a mile a minute in an uber-catty fashion. This causes everything to break down at a rapid pace, with Brie gathering her things and – say it with me now – starting to walk out on the conversation! What exactly was Bryan expecting to happen here, by the way? Nikki Bella is not exactly Dr. Phil. She doesn’t strike me as having the capacity to work through somebody’s problems in a constructive fashion. Heck, when it comes to those attributes, she’s not even Jerry Springer . . . she’s just the woman who nearly crippled Jerry Springer.

When we come back, Bryan prevents his wife from leaving through the power of remaining calm and focusing the conversation on his concern (and Nikki’s concern) for her well-being as opposed to their own needs. Smart move, and I mean that. Brie admits that the couple’s monetary problems are at the root of her recent anger, and Bryan says it’s fine to be upset about that but it doesn’t need to be taken out on him or Nikki. Brie does come around and admits that he’s correct. The scene closes with BriBry’s dog licking the interior of his nose. The twins are disgusted, but I just write that off as one of those things that a dog will do.

Rosa Mendes, Nattie Neidhart, Trinity, Jon Uso, and some random hangers on, including some guy named “Fandango” (don’t remember seeing him in WWE before), are out at a club. There is discussion of Rosa’s boobs. At this point her implants are generating so much conversation that they may as well be considered two separate cast members of the show. Not much goes on at the club, aside from Rosa mentioning that she wants Nattie to feel sexy and then moving in on her for a kiss. Natalya avoids the advance and is freaked out leading in to an ad break.

On the opposite side of the break, Trinity and Nattie have a conference in the ladies’ room, and Trin thinks that her girl is overreacting, though she also did not see the full extent to which Mendes tried to swap spit with the Canadian. “She’s acting like a lunatic,” says Nattie of Rosa. She’s not incorrect here. Then somebody get Teddy Long with an oversized novelty key to keep her under control!

Back in Phoenix, BriBry are brunching and arguing about whether or not Brie is wearing pants at this public establishment. While she’s sitting there, she gets a totally natural, unscripted telephone call from Creepy Talent Relations Mark, which is a product of her reaching out to the company to see if they have anything for her to do. Mark’s answer is that they will start bringing her back to TV. Everybody is happy, and I guess we can forget about the “Brie is now a raging bitch heel” storyline.

At Trinity and Jon Uso’s apartment, Trinity presents her husband with a stripper pole and mentions that she’s ready, willing, and able to use it for him. Rather than taking the gift in the spirit in which it was intended, Jon says that she needs to stop trying to put a band-aid on things and get to the doctor to address her medical issues. He also makes it clear that she’s not just concerned about his ability to have sex with her; he’s also concerned about whether the polyp will develop into a condition that will prevent her from having children. He flips out and lightly tosses the stripper pole across the room. I love it when TV shows run storylines with people freaking out about not being able to have children, as though adoption isn’t a real thing.

Trinity, maintaining her status as one of the few likeable characters on the show, remains understanding in the face of her husband flipping out and calms him down, resuming a mature, adult conversation about their situation. In a confessional, she says that two years ago she had a surgery that resulted in the removal of her right ovary. Gee, that is information that would’ve been helpful in understanding the characters’ motivations BEFORE we started this episode-long storyline. They come to the joint decision that she’s going to see her doctor. Alright then.

Backstage at a TV taping, Nattie pulls Rosa aside to discuss the attempted kiss. Rosa explains that she was just trying to make Neidhart feel pretty because she was being neglected by her husband. Nattie’s reaction to the explanation is essentially my reaction to the explanation, which is that Rosa’s heart is in the right place but that is a supremely weird move to make in order to help out your friend.

In Tampa, TJ and Nattie meet up at what I’m assuming is a cafe. TJ attempts to talk Nattie into coming back home, which is a little bit jarring because I don’t think it was ever clearly established that they had been separated . . . at least not any more separated than two married professional wrestlers who are constantly on the road would be considered to be separated. They go around in circles about whether she’s going to move back in, but, before anything even approaches being resolved, Creepy Talent Relations Mark makes his second very conveniently-timed telephone call of the show and breaks them up. Nattie acts like it’s a call she can’t not take and walks off while on the phone, bringing the episode to a close while TJ dramatically rubs his face.

I am totally fine with this ending, because it leaves the door open for the return of Single J Jaret (that’s J-a-single r-e-single t, Single J Jaret), perhaps the greatest heel in the history of the series.

Overall: In sticking with my theme of trying to point out new problems with this wretched show as opposed to pointing out the flaws that have been around for over two seasons now (trust me, they’re still there), let’s have a conversation about Rosa Mendes.

A week or two ago, I believe that I was actually positive on the introduction of Mendes to the show, noting that her well-meaning yet totally clueless character was a decent addition to the program if you’re going to accept that this show is just as much sitcom as it is a documentary series about the lives of female professional wrestlers. However, this week they went way too far overboard with the gimmick. Rosa underestimates the tension between Nattie and Summer and puts them into the same rental car? Okay, I can guy that. Rosa sees Nattie is having marital problems and decides that the best way to cure those marital problems is to KISS HER full on the lips on a NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW?! Rosa may have just gotten out of rehab, but the only person recently released from a treatment facility dumb enough to think that is an acceptable or viable plan is Jack Nicholson’s character at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It doesn’t just strain credulity. It takes the entire concept of credulity, uses a monster truck to shove it off of the roof of Cobo Hall, pulls it out of Lake Michigan, and then drops a giant leg across its throat.

Look, I don’t demand absolute, 100% believability in my scripted entertainment. Clearly I don’t, because I watch a pseudo-sport that involves Irish whips. However, there is no imaginable set of facts under which this plot is plausible. It borders on being surrealism . . . or pornography.

All I ask is for a modicum of effort being put towards making this “reality” show come off as realistic. Is that too much?

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.