411’s WWE RAW Report 1.28.13
Welcome to 411’s LIVE WWE Raw Report 1.28.13
Championship Roll Call:
WWE Champion: The Rock
World Champion: Alberto Del Rio
US Champion: Antonio Cesaro
IC Champion: Wade Barrett
Unified Diva’s Champion: Kaitlyn
WWE World Tag Team Champions: Daniel Bryan and Kane
The Royal Rumble is in the books, superstars play the odds with Raw Roulette tonight from Las Vegas, and I, your self-proposed “Kennection to All Things Wrestling”, officially suck at making PPV predictions (At least the Very European leader of the “United States of Antonio” didn’t let me down).
Well, it’s going to happen. Whether us smarks like it or not, Rock vs. Cena II seems to be on the horizon for Wrestlemania as Cena (AGAINST ALL ODDS, BY GAWD!) beat out 29 other superstars to take the duke in the 30-man melee and has the choice of either the World Heavyweight or WWE Champion…but he won’t need long to make that decision, methinks.
The other part of that equation, the Great One himself, pulled victory out of the fire and clinched his eighth world championship, the first in a decade, when CM Punk, with a seeming assist from the dark, got his hand caught in the proverbial cookie jar and the match was restarted by Mr. McMahon himself. A spine on the pine and a People’s Elbow later, and Punk’s “reign of misery” is over at 434 days. Will the respect-seeker look to argue his case or will he simply seek revenge and regain what he claims to be rightfully his?
Despite claiming the unofficial Royal Rumble “Ironman” title last night, Dolph Ziggler fell just short of pulling off what only HBK and Benoit (Said it, deal with it) have accomplished, making it to the final four before getting the literal boot by Sheamus. Does the Show-Off still have designs on dominating Wrestlemania, or will the return of his nemesis Chris Jericho throw a hitch into those title aspirations?
All this will (hopefully) be answered as LIVE coverage of MONDAY NIGHT RAW begins…shortly!
It’s VEGAS, BABY! Who’s feeling lucky tonight? Not CM Punk. Vickie introduces us, and shows us three wheels, one of stipulations, one of superstars, and one for the “Vickie Vegas Challenge.” She mentions US Champ Antonio Cesaro taking on Randy Orton, and a spin of the stip wheel shows there will be a special referee involved.
Punk’s music hits and he is PISSED as he storms to the ring. He grabs a mic, incensed at how this should be his 435th day as champion, but he was CHEATED out of his championship by The Rock and Vince McMahon, who screwed him worse than Bret in Montreal, and it should be called the “Phoenix Screwjob.” He never had anyone restart matches for him, he was a REAL champion, the true People’s Champion.
Vince out to the ring and Punk is all over him for being a “flesh-peddling promoter.” Vince has no problem crashing Punk’s party like he did last night. He supposedly has video footage of Heyman in collusion with The Shield, and Heyman looks shell-shocked as Vince also states he will undergo a “performance evaluation” that could end with his termination if the footage has anything to do with it. He leaves Punk and Heyman, who are in absolute turmoil still.
Orton and Cesaro both make their way out to the ring, and the special referee is…DA MIZ! Cesaro’s looking pretty peeved as Miz looks like the proverbial cat who caught the canary as we go to break…
Orton with a back body drop, which gets a two count from Miz. Cesaro backs Orton to the corner and jaw jacks with Miz. Orton counters a charge with a clotheslines, then a back suplex for two. Cesaro goes to the ropes, but Orton slithers out of the ring. Cesaro counters with a right, but Orton blocks him and suplexes him into the barricade. Orton puts Cesaro on the ring apron and gives some uppercuts ‘Merican style, then a catapult into the ropes. The two start exchanging uppercuts, Cesaro gains the upper hand, but Orton baits him and sends him over the ropes. He goes out and drops Cesaro with a clothes line going into commercial…
Cesaro with a back suplex to Orton. Orton to the ropes, and counters a right, but Cesaro hangs him up on the turnbuckle joint, which gets a two count. Cesaro with a neck vice, Orton fights out with rights hands, but Cesaro counters with a nice Magnum Driver for a near fall. Cesaro shows off with a nice stalling gutwrench suplex for another near fall by the unbiased Miz. Cesaro locks in a sleeper, but Orton fights out, and delivers some clotheslines and a snap powerslam. Orton shoves Cesaro to the corner, but ANtonio with the knee and the Very European Uppercut for a near fall. He argues with Miz, which allows Orton to hit him with a backbreaker. Orton sets for the RKO, but Cesaro with a thumb to the eye. He lays into Randy with blows to the stomach, but Miz pulls himoff. Cesaro backs him up, Miz lays off, but this leaves Cesaro for the RKO (OUT OF NOWHERE!) for the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton
Miz “helps up” Cesaro following the match, before…yep…dropping him with the Skull-Crushing Finale, and does Cesaro’s taunt to top it off.
The “Vickie Vegas Challenge” wheel is SPINNING in the back, and lands on “Make Me Laugh. We pan over to…Ryback? Vickie chuckles and dares him to make her laugh, and he just glares and snorts at her before heading to the ring. Who will Ryback have to make laugh, and how in God’s name will he do it?
Ryback, Matt Striker, and the Primetime Players in the ring. Striker says, whoever makes the audience laughs most wins. Titus makes a joke about Striker, which gets a lukewarm response. Ryback asks who’s got 2 eyes, twenty fingers, and is about to be unconscious? Darren wisely bails as Titus fights off Ryback, but gets the spinebuster, Meathook, and the Shell-Shock, all while Darren Young looks on. Striker gets a good chuckle out of it, but interrupts Ryback’s MO with the audience to congratulate him stupidly enough, and gets a Shell-Shock, much to JBL and Cole’s amusement.
We again see the nice Hall of Fame video seen last week for the second inductee of 2013, MISTER Bob Backlund, and later tonight, we will find out the third inductee, as well as the NEW WWE Champion The Rock making his presence known to celebrate the title win. Methinks there will be a party crasher or two for that celebration…
Another spin of the stip wheel and it’s “Player’s Choice”, meaning Wade Barrett gets to pick his choice of opponent, and it’s none other than Bo Dallas, who surprised us and Barrett by eliminating the IC Champion, as well as lasting over 25 minutes! Barrett promises to end his career.
Barrett with rights, driving Dallas into the corner. Dallas fights back with some crisp arm drags, and Barrett is stunned for a moment. Barrett fires back with a thrust kick to the gut, and he lays into the NXT rookie with some stiff boots. Barrett looks to end it early with the Bullhammer, but Bo with a high-angle powerslam…AND GETS THE THREE! WOW!
Winner: Bo Dallas
Barrett looks absolutely in shock as Dallas celebrates on the ramp.
A spin of the Superstar wheel this time around, and it lands on John Cena. We pan over to Cody and his mustache, and Cody looks like he’s about to meet the Reaper as it’s him versus Cena…NEXT!
We see that Cena has given Fred Flintstone the boot off of the Fruity Pebbles box, and we get a TALE OF THE TAPE for it. Really? Really? REALLY?
Lock-up in the center of the ring, Cena with a float over, arm drag, and a nice dropkick. Cena with rights, whip to the corner, and a faux fisherman suplex. Cody tries to rage quit, but Cena is all “Nuh-uh!” and throws him back in for the Five Moves of Doom…AA…Three count!
Winner: John Cena
Cena on the mic, and the crowd is 60-40 on him, which Cena lampshades. 29 other men can say how they should’ve won the Rumble, but only he can say he did it. Eliminating Ryback was no easy task, but now it’s even more difficult for him to decide on who to choose to face at Wrestlemania. World Champ aside, it would come down to either Punk or Rock for the WWE Title. Punk, the man Cena has face a number of times in the past two years, and has either not beaten him or hasn’t gotten the job done. Then there’s the Rock, who Cena has battled mentally, physically, and verbally. There were times where the Rock owned him, and times when he couldn’t hold Cena’s jock strap. All of that didn’t matter in the end to Cena, as when April 1st came around, he bared his soul to us…and he lost. So does he go after the World Champion to have better odds, or face two potential WWE Champions, both of whom he’s had little success against? He doesn’t wait to decide and choose…THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP!
The Shield’s music hits all of the sudden, and Cena’s a sitting duck as Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns make their way to the ring. They hit the ring, Cena goes postal on them, but the 3-on-1 assault is too much as he gets beaten down in the corner. Sheamus out for the save, but he gets beaten into a corner as well. Ryback’s out, and he initially drives the Shield off, but Ambrose and Rollins pull him out of the ring and drive him into the steel steps. Sheamus back up and after Reigns, who drives him into the steel ring post. Back in the ring, Cena tries to get back to his feet and fight off the Shield, but they beat him down once more and lay him out with the triple powerbomb and leave ringside, having laid waste to three of the biggest superstars WWE has…Wow.
We recap the Shield’s beatdown of Cena, Sheamus AND Ryback, and it’s questioned as to who can really stop their dominance.
Vickie spins the stip wheel once more and we get…a Lingerie Pillow Fight…WITH TENSAI AND BRODUS?! NO! NYET! NON! HELLS NA! Vickie agrees, and asks Brodus to spin her Vegas Challenge wheel, which lands on Dance-Off. Brodus is happy, and “promises” to tell Tensai about the change…oh lord, I have to write about Tensai in lingerie. I’m going to have to do this recap for the next 5 minutes blind.
Jerry Lawler in the ring to host…and Tensai wearing a robe…no…no…OH GOD, MY EYES, MY EYES, THE CLICKER DOES NOTHING! It doesn’t even match his boots! Brodus “forgot” to tell him apparently. Brodus dances to his music to a decent pop. Lawler assures Tensai that everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. They know we’re broadcasting all over the world, right? Tensai does the taps, then goes into a funky chickem-lawnmower-robot-shovel dance…and we get the obligatory DAMN! from one Ron Simmons.
Alberto Del Rio spins the stip wheel in the back, and gets the “Body Slam Challenge”…against the Big Show. Vickie laughs and hopes Alberto knows a good Vegas magician, but Alberto says anything can happen in Vegas and gives Vickie a wink before sauntering off to the ring.
Show mouths off to Del Rio, then swats off Ricardo before KO’ing Del Rio. He pulls out a roll of duct tape and ties Alberto by the wrist. Ricardo tries to ward him off, but Show boots him and lays into him. Alberto can only watch on in horror as Show chops Ricardo, tosses him into the barricade, slams him and steps on his head. Show taunts Del Rio before laying into him with boots and duct tapes him some more. Show chops Ricardo again, Del Rio tries to beg him off, but Show just drills Ricardo with the KO Punch. Alberto is incensed, but Show just taunts him, kicks him, then finally drops him with another KO Punch. The giant leaves the ring, leaving Del Rio and Ricardo down and out in the ring.
We recap Big Show’s vengeful beatdown of Alberto and Ricardo, as the refs helped Alberto from the ring following the attack.
Time for the Divas’ minute to shine…Tamina catches Kaitlyn on her shoulder and drives her into the turnbuckles, slams her, and lays the boots to her. She locks in a chinlock on Kaitlyn, who starts to fight back, but gets thrown outside. Aksana attacks her, but gets knocked down and de-feathered headdressed. Back in the ring, Kaitlyn with a shoulder block, places the feather hat on Tamina, followed by a boot and right hands. Now, all the divas are in for a CATFIGHT!!! Refs in as Tamina and Kaitlyn just look on.
Winner: No Contest
“It’s going to get better, folks, I promise.” – Michael Cole. If they actually have to promise us things will get better, it’s really hit a new low, hasn’t it?
The NEWWWW WWE Champion, The Rock, addresses his millions…next!
We recap the Shield’s annihilation of Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback.
Justin Roberts introduces the NEW WWE Champion, and the Rock’s music hits to a HUGE pop as the new champ makes his way down to the ring. He stands on the turnbuckle and salutes the fans with the championship. He soaks it all in. Rock on the mic now. Only one word sums up all of this: FINALLY…The Rock has come back to Las Vegas and FINALLY…The Rock has become WWE Champion! He lauds the WWE Championship. He’s held the honor of wearing the championship 7 times from 1998-2003 and a decade later, is proud to hold it again. He’s thanked his friends, family, and now he wants to thanks all the fans. For 434 days, Punk’s run his mouth and said the people didn’t count or matter, and were nothing. The Rock’s here to tell the fans that those crap days are over. No more Punk, no more Heyman and his “deep-fried twinkie tits.” The Rock and the People usher in a new era, the “People’s Era” and WE’RE ALL GETTING PIE!
Punk’s music hits, and he takes a quote from Damien Sandow that our irrelevant opinion doesn’t matter. He made the WWE Title something special and Rock’s just flushing it all away. The Rock was given it like he’s been spoon-fed his whole career. If he had any respect with the third-generation blood inside him, he’d walk up the ramp and give the title back to Punk. Rock tells him if he has any manhood, he can come get it or he can stand on the stage and be a punk-ass bitch. Punk mocks the fans saying how fun it is for them to swear, walks back up the ramp, and says he does things on his terms, and HE will give Rock a rematch for his championship in three weeks at the Elimination Chamber. The only thing Punk will be getting is the ass-kicking of a lifetime, the punk-ass bitch…IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK…IS…COOKING!
Vickie’s spun the wheel, and it’s Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow…IN A TABLES MATCH! NEXT!
Sheamus walking wounded after the Shield’s assault and getting rammed into the ring post shoulder first. Damien ducks out of the ring, and Sheamus chases him. He catches Sandow’s boot and knocks him down. Sandow dodges a clothesline and ducks out of the ring, but Sheamus catches up to him. He throws Sandow into the steps and gingerly sets up a table with the bad shoulder. Sandow into the ring and out the other side, and catches Sheamus with a dropkick. He gets a table out, but Sheamus throws it right back into his face. Sheamus puts the table in the ring and rolls Sandow back in. Sandow, however, catches him with an arm breaker on the table and goes to work on Sheamus’s bad shoulder. Sandow gets another table, throws it into Sheamus, then takes the table leg and STOMPS it into the bad shoulder. Damn, that looks nasty. Sandow sets up a table in the corner. Sheamus fights back and throws Sandow to the ring apron. He misses the Brogue Kick, and Sandow almost pushes him off onto a table at ringside. Sandow goes to knock him off, but gets a shoulder block by the Celtic Warrior. Sheamus fights back into the corner with right hands, but Sandow goes back to the bad shoulder, then hits the Cubito Aequet. He sets up a table and lays Sheamus on it. Sandow up top, but Sheamus knocks him to the ring apron and clubbers Sandow. The suplex is blocked by Sandow, but Sheamus picks him back up in the ring…WHITE NOISE THROUGH THE TABLE! Good physical match.
We’re reminded about Heyman’s performance review, and if he can’t disprove his involvement with the Shield…HE’S FIRRREDDDD!
I agree with JBL, what did HBK do to have KHALI of all people sing his theme song? Before Khali can completely botch it, 3MB out to stop it all, and Slater says this is not music. He, Drew, and Mahal enter the ring, saying they’re the real rockstars of WWE. Zack admits he’s more into pop, but Khali’s all about “head-banging” and does just that, laying out McIntyre with a chop, and does the same to Slater as Mahal takes a Rough Ryder from Zack. Swoggle up top…tadpole splash to Slater. Annnnd they dance. RIVETING!
Jericho’s back on Raw (again) and he’s in action NEXT!
Jericho’s music hits and the crowd is HOT for Y2J 2013 as the sparkly jacket’s back, baby! RAW IS JERICHO! He was gone for 6 months, but it felt like 6 years. He did surprise us with his return, and it’s something that we’ll never…EVERRRRRRR…forget.
Ziggler’s music hits and here he comes with CR-A.J. and Big E. Langston to crash Y2J’s return. Ziggler wonders what Jericho’s even doing here, as AJ made the match as GM that saw Y2J lose his WWE contract. Jericho asks that Ziggler reign in his crazy little dog, before Big E. tells him to back off. Jericho jokes the “E” stands for his bra size before Ziggler tells him to get out. Vickie interrupts them to inform us that SHE signed Jericho back, and can do things for business unlike AJ and the two will be in a match. However, a spin of the stip wheel shows that it will be “Strange Bedfellows”, meaning Ziggler and Jericho will TAG together against true strange bedfellows in Team Hell No! Oooh boy!
Ziggler with a pair of elbows to Bryan, but Bryan dodges the third with kicks. Jericho blind tags in, shoulder blocks Bryan, kicks down Kane, misses the Lionsault on Bryan, goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Bryan counters and hits a drop kick on Jericho. Bryan tags in Kane, but Kane asks what the hell he’s tagging out for. Bryan’s upset and shoves Kane, who knocks Bryan on his ass. Ziggler laughs at this and blind tags in, but Jericho clocks Kane before leaving, and Ziggler’s unaware as Kane is peeved and drills him with a chokeslam for three. JERI-TROLL STRIKES!
Winner: Team Hell No
The next inductee of 2013? Trish Stratus! A well-deserved one for a multiple-time Woman’s Champion, Diva of the Decade, and help to change the landscape of modern women’s wrestling everywhere. Nice video too.
Vince out for Paul Heyman’s “Performance Review.” He tells Paul there’s no point looking for Punk, as he’s been “escorted” from the arena. Heyman comes out…with a rather interesting smirk on his face. Something’s up. He holds a hand out for Vince and Vince does shake it, but uses some disinfectant after. Vince asks Heyman if he’s ever had Brad Maddox or The Shield under contract. Heyman thanks him for the opportunity to air this all out and can honestly say NO. Vince asks if he’s lied, and Heyman quotes Vince, Sr., saying being faced with the adversity he sees now, he’s lied every day of his life to get to the next day, because that’s what promoters like him and Vince do, in order to maintain their lives and keep a business, but he’s not lying about the Shield or Maddox. He’s not a honest man, or a saint, but he’s trying. Vince shows us the footage from two weeks ago. We see Brad and Paul walking backstage, and Heyman promises big things for Maddox. He asks the camera to be shut off, it does for a moment, but then it turns on as we hear Heyman says the show is over for Maddox. The feed freezes for a moment, but we get the gist of it, as Maddox has been far less effective than the Shield has been despite the money he’s paid him, and the Shield shows up, and Heyman tells Maddox to take it like a man. The Shield take him and the cameraman down as Heyman laughs.
Back in the ring, Vince asks for an explanation. Heyman says it’s not him. That may have been the Shield, that may have been Brad Maddox, but with all the impersonators out here in Vegas and Heyman’s authentic Jewish-New Yorker accent, it COULDN’T have been him. He made ECW what it was, managed several superstars, and brought CM Punk to greatness. Vince scoffs at this, and asks the fans if Heyman’s a liar and should be fired, both get a resounding “YES. Heyman begs, but Vince gets ready to say “YOU’RE…” Wait a minute!
That music…HOLY CRAP, IT’S BROCK LESNAR! The crowd is going NUTS for Lesnar. He saunters down to the ring as only he can, and hops to the apron and into the ring. Heyman says he’s got this, but Brock tells him to park it in the corner and walks right up to Vince. He stares Lesnar right back, warning him not to do anything he’ll regret later. Baaad choice of words, Vinnie. LESNAR PICKS UP VINCE! Heyman’s begging him not to do it, but it falls on deaf ears. F-5! F-5 TO MR. MCMAHON! The crowd’s going crazy as Brock chuckles and hops out of the ring as Heyman is beside himself at what Lesnar’s done as we fade to black.