411’s WWE RAW Report 10.17.16

Hello, freaks and geeks! So, this is the last RAW of my 20’s. This Saturday, I’ll be turning 30, and there’s not enough whiskey in the world to make me sad about it!

As a gift, feel free to check out last week’s column Analyzing the Draft and say somethin nice about it!

We need a banner to help pad my ego. Where you at, Banner Boy?

There we are…

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ITS THE TWO BEST FRIENDS EVER!!!

Owens is out lookin like a champ, and his best friend is scarfed up, holding The List.

Y2J chant seemingly upsets Jericho. Owens tells them to shut up, because he’s got something important to say. At this point, there is no denying it, something is crystal clear, and it’s that Foley has a personal issue with Owens. Why else would he risk Owens’ career by putting him in a match at Hell in a Cell. Crowd chants for Foley.

Jericho: “Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. I SAID QUIET!”

Jericho agrees with Owens, but he has an explanation. Everyone is claiming that HITC is a badge of honor, but no, it’s a nail in the coffin. It’s dangerous, destructive, barbaric. It’s violent, evil, and the fact that Owens is in the match is a travesty of justice, and proves that Foley is a stupid idiot.

Owens says Jericho is right, and fortunately, Owens has a lot more brain cells left. He’s a thinking man champions, and he’s smart enough to know how to make sure this match will not shorten his career. Only Rollins’ career will be shortened, because he’s getting in that cell with Kevin Owens. Years from now, we’ll still be talking about it, and this will still be The Kevin Owens Show.

Jericho wants to take it one step further, and says that he should have been in the match, because it’s obvious he can beat Seth Rollins. Look at his list of losers. Michaels, Mysterio, Stone Cold AND The Rock on the same night! Jericho beat The Undertaker for the World Title. If he could beat all of them, he sure as hell could beat Seth Rollins. Why didn’t he? Well, it’s obvious…it was due to bad officiating from the referee. A horrible ref, man. Just horrible. You know what happens to those who aren’t good at their job around here?

Jericho: Zepada….YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Owens says at Hell in the Cell, Seth Rollins will be having a Swan Song, because he’s already replaced Seth as The Man, and in two weeks, he will retire Seth Rollins.

Future retiree Seth Rollins doesn’t seem to like this too much. He’s out, and he’s chewing gum!!! MY GAWD!

Rollins gets a huge chant from this lively crowd. He says if something is going on the list, how about add that terrible scarf, his creepy mustache, the bad tats, and how about those trunks. He calls Jericho Sparkle Crotch…consider this Seth’s official jump to Tater Tots jokes.

Jericho is about to add Seth to THE LIST. Seth says he’s sure he’s already on it. Jericho says not yet….but he will be. Seth claims that Owens sucks as a friend. For the past two weeks, Jericho has been pedigreed two weeks in a row and Owens stood idly by.

Owens says that Seth is just not a good person. Owens and Jericho talked about the past couple of weeks, and one of them must stay strong for the good of the team. Seth gets it. Owens stays strong, Jericho stays weak. Jericho takes offense. He is a 6 time world champ. he is the best in the world at what he does, does Seth understand this? There’s a reason why GOAT is across the back of his trunks.

Jericho says he can beat Seth any time, anywhere. Seth says how about right now, let’s get to fighting. But wait, before this goes down, Seth has a question…what’s Kevin going to do? Is he going to the back and prove that Jericho can actually beat him, or is Owens going to stay out here and be the world’s ugliest cheerleader? Either way is fine with Seth.

Owens says he’s staying, but Jericho says he’s leaving. They have a talk with each other. Jericho tells Owens he thinks it’s best if he leaves now. Owens wonders if Jericho is sure. Jericho says that he knows what Owens is doing. He knows all the tricks. It doesn’t change that they’re still best friends. Owens will still have his back, he knows that, but he must remind us all who we are dealing with.

Owens says he’s right, tells Jericho to do it, and he’ll be here in spirit. They hug it out.

Match 1: Seth Rollins vs Chris Jericho
Jericho with the right hands to the back of the head. He locks up behind. Back suplex. Jericho with a kick to the small of the back. Chop to the chest. He locks the head and beats down on the back. Seth down a bit in the corner. Jericho with a whip as the crowd chants SPARKLECROTCH. Rollins is able to hit a clothesline. Chop to the chest. Again. Kicks in the corner. Stomping Jericho down. Whip by Rollins. Dropkick to Jericho! Jericho’s head is hanging over the apron. Seth leaves the ring. Kick to the head. He gets back in. Jericho slow to stand. Right hand to the forehead by Seth. Chop to Jericho. Whip to the ropes. Jericho stops, hooks both arms. Flips Seth. Backbreaker on the knee off the double underhook! Pin for 1..NO! Jericho steps on the face of Seth. Jericho chokes Seth up on the second rope. Seth rolls to the outside. Jericho follows. He sends Seth into the barricade hard, then drops his face on it. Seth rolls back in the ring. Jericho heads to the top rope. Jericho flies off. Seth locks up for the Pedigree! Rollup instead! 1..2…NO!! Seth hits the ropes. Knockdown to Jericho. Another. Elbow in the corner. Seth tosses Jericho into the center of the ring, hops on the top rope. Seth flips over with a headslam! Pin for 1..2…NO! Jericho with a surprise rollup, but turns it into the Walls…no! Seth turns this into a pin. 1..2..NO!!! Jericho up. Seth up! Kick to the gut. Pedig—NO! Jericho sends Rollins to the outside. Seth tries to hop on the apron, but Jericho bounces off the corner and hits a dropkick!

Back after a break, and Jericho misses something. I missed it, too. Jericho up in the corner, kicks up, hits the second rope. Missile dropkick to Seth. Cover for 1..2…NO! Jericho with the cravat from behind. Seth escapes, gets tossed to the ropes, and hits a chop off the rebound. Whip reversed. Jericho misses a dropkick. Seth with a running knee to the fallen Jericho! Seth stands in the corner. Jericho runs. Seth catches him. He sends Jericho face first into the 2nd turnbuckle. Seth hits the ropes. Slingblade. Cover for 1..2…NO! Seth with the chops. Whip to the corner. Elbow in the corner. Seth ducks a clothesline, but Jericho hits an elbow to the chest. Lionsault! Cover for 1…..2…..NO! Close. Jericho lifts Seth. He locks the arms! JERICHO WANTS A PEDIGREE!!! Seth escapes and hits a knee to the nose! Falcon Arrow! Pin for 1…2…NO!!! Jericho is laid out. Seth heads to the top rope.

KEVIN OWENS MUSIC HITS!

Jericho rolls out of the ring. Kevin Owens makes his way out. He waves to Seth. Rollins turns towards Jericho. CROSSBODY FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! He sends Jericho in the ring. Seth springboards. Knee to the face. Seth sets up for The Pedigree. Jericho counters. WALLS OF JERICHO LOCKED IN!!! Owens is ringside, staring down Seth. Rollins is near the ropes, but Owens pulls the ropes away from him! Ref catches him and sends him away. Seth reaches the ropes eventually. Jericho argues with the ref. Rollins with a rollup, into a standing.

Seth goes for Pedigree. Jericho escapes. Enziguri. Jericho goes for Codebreaker, but Rollins catches Jericho. Drops Jericho down. Pedigree! Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Seth Rollins
Admittedly, a little repetative at times, but still solid outing with these two.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

Lita interviewed Sasha and Charlotte earlier, and we get Charlotte’s first!

Lita asks Charlotte where her head is at. Lita drops some names like HBK, Taker, Foley, HHH. These are the legends that sit at the top of the HITC. How does Charlotte prepare for a match like this?

Charlotte says she was born for these moments. She doesn’t prepare. No other female has been in the cell becaase no one else has her name.

Lita asks about Forbes ranking her the greatest. How much pressure does that put on Charlotte.

Charlotte says some could say she is the greatest male or female.

Lita questions the treatment of Sasha at Summerslam, was it fair?

Charlotte wonders if there is a reason why she won 12 straight PPVs, why she has won 2 titles. She’s durable. A win is a win.

Lita asks if Charlotte will prove herself as the best, wouldn’t it be better to beat someone at their best, at 100%?

Charlotte says everyone knows she is the woman.

Lita reminds Charlotte that they will be in Sasha’s hometown.

Charlotte says Sasha will need her hometown. Charlotte says she pities Sasha. She’s never needed the WWE Universe, or anyone to cheer for her. She was born for this. No one knows what it’s like to walk in her shoes. This is why Sasha needs to wrestle her in Sasha’s hometown, because Sasha might not be 100% that day, but you know who will be? Charlotte. She doesn’t just talk the talk, but she walks the walks. She is the best, Sasha is the best on any given day. Wait…what? Anyway, Charlotte says nothing will stop her

That was a pretty crappy interview.

Match 2: The Golden Truth and Mark Henry vs The Shining Stars and Titus O’Neil
Goldust starts with Primo.Right hands knock him down. Goldust with a knockdown and a pin for 1. Kick to the gut. Uppercut into an arm drag. It’s all Goldust right now. Primo with a kick then a leg sweep.Primo hits the ropes, hops on the bak of Goldust on the ropes, then gets a tag. In comes Epico withha move, and a cover. 1.2.NO! Tag to Titus, who beats down Goldust in the heel cornerr.e mocks Goldust then whips him back into e cornerr.Titus talks some shit.Tag to Primo. Stomp to the face of Golduste kicks the back of Goldust. Cravat from behind.Goldust tries to fight outt GOldust escapes. Powerslam. Both men down. Goldust flies for the tag to Truth. Tag to Titus. Truth with a clothesline. Another. Splits and a heel kick to Titus. MOre splits. Kick to the gut. Axe kick and a cover for 1..2…NO! Primo breaks up the pin. Goldust in with a spinebuster. Epico sends Goldust out. Truth hits Basic Finisher #4,

Titus is there looking for the spinebuster, but Henry gets the tag. He catches Titus. World’s Strongest Slam. Pin for 1..2….3!!

Winners: The Golden Truth and Mark Henry
Henry’s back…see you in a couple weeks when you face Braun.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: ZERO
Total Rating: 1/2*

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Do you like Donuts? Do you like Michael Ornelas? Yeah….me either. Tell him this in the comments!

Backstage, Jericho’s scarf turned into a towel. He’s upset. He yells for Owens. He told Owens not to come down as a friend and he did anyway. Jericho nearly calls him a stupid idiot, but stops. Owens says he is the champion, he was trying to help. Jericho says he didnt need that help. Steph comes up, and says that they are letting Rollins get in their head. HITC is in two weeks, and beyond that, SD challenged RAW at Survivor Series in THREE MATCHES! As such, she needs her two best generals on the same page and team. They need to be stronger and smarter than everybody else. Ok? Kapeesh?

Steph leaves. Jericho: *whispers* “I told you not to come out…”

haha

Sheamus comes out, and his partner is along for the ride. Cesaro Facebook Lives the entrance, pissing Sheamus off a bit.

Big E says Sheamus must be a mile high if he thinks that he’s going to beat Big E, or the three of them with his court appointed tag team partner Cesaro. Woods says that Clinton and Trump would be a better team than Cesaro and Sheamus. Woods calls Cesaro the better looking dude. Kofi says these two guys are so out of sync that he was able to beat Cesaro even while botching. haha. Nice. Tonight, Big E is going to beat Sheamus. As we all know, Sheamus is a big ol steaming pile of hot human garbage. Seriously. In real life. Big E says Sheamus is a putz, bro. This is why you cannot say Sheamus without saying…SHAME! Shame chant, and I gotta admit, this crowd is digging RAW tonight. Kofi says he beats they’re Cesaro and Sheamus aren’t even friends on Facebook. Woods says it doesnt matter, because they’re going to show Sheamus and Cesaro why for the past 420 days, they have legally been our WWE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!! hahahaha nicely done, Woods. Nicely done.

Match 3: Big E vs Sheamus
Lockup. Sheamus with a side headlock. Big E sends him into the ropes. Clothesline from E. Sheamus crawls towards the ropes, then stands. Both men up. Lockup again. Shemaus with the go behind. GERMAN! Sheamus rushes the corner with a shoulder, then a running knee to Big E. Big E hits a clothesline, though, dropping Sheamus! Sheamus in the corner. Big E with a shoulder of his own. Sheamus with a clothesline! Damn! They’re kicking each other’s ass!

Cesaro is still on Facebook Live. Sheamus with a kick to Big E. Uppercut, with both standing. Another to Big E. A third against the ropes. Another. Right hand to the face. Big E sends Sheamus over the top rope to the outside. Sheamus gets on the apron. Shoulder to the gut. He pulls Big E’s arms back, tries to lock them, but Big E escapes and hits a hard clothesline. Sheamus laid out on the apron. Big E on the apron. UNICORN SPLASH ON THE APRON!!! Big E is applauded by his partners while Cesaro checks on Sheamus. Cesaro is now wearing Big E’s trenchcoat. lol. Sheamus with a rolling Senton to Big E!

Back after a break, and Sheamus is using his core strength to get back to the top rope with a flip. He flies off…right into an over the head Belly to Belly!!! Another one!!! Sheamus misses a clothesline, and Big E hits a third Belly to Belly. Big E hits the ropes, hops over. BIG E with a splash..right into the knees!!! Sheamus with a rollup! Pin for 1..2…NO! Sheamus with the Irish Curse. Pin for 1..2..NO! Sheamus is up first. SHAME chant. Sheamus gets Big E in the firemans. Big E floats off. He shoves Sheamus in the ropes. Sheamus comes flying back, but Big E lifts him up. Holds. POWERBOMB! Pin for 1..2…NO!! Big E waits. Sheamus turns. Big E looks for Big Ending, but Sheamus gets off. Rake of the eyes. White Noise! Pin for 1..2…NO! Big E is on the apron. Cesaro is still on Facebook Live. He’s in the crowd. Sheamus with the beat down on the ropes to Big E’s chest. He gets all ten, hits the ropes, then shoves Big E off the apron. Sheamus leaves the ring. He is about to kick Big E, but sees Cesaro, and he’s pissed that Cesaro is doing all this during his match. He sends Big E into the ring, then goes to grab Cesaro’s phone. He takes it from him and speaks to the Facebook Live crowd, saying this is his match. Sheamus says if Cesaro wants to film something, film this. Says he’s going to hit The Best Brogue Kick Ever. haha.

Big E with a splash in the corner. Rollup for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Sheamus
Interesting use of Facebook Live.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/2

Sheamus is pissed. Big E leaves the ring. Sheamus screams in Cesaro’s face as Cesaro continues to film the event happening. We get a recap via Facebook of the loss.

Earlier tonight, Axel professed his love for Bo Dallas.

Match 4: Bo Dallas vs Neville
BO is quick with the aggression. He gets Neville in the corner with some rights and stomps, then does this weird rip your head off type move. Knees to the side of Neville’s face and shoulder. He drags NEville around the ring, then hits a hard elbow to the head. He shouts for us to Bo-lieve in him. He lifts NEville up. Another high elbow. He doesn’t release Neville’s right hand. He goes for a third elbow, but Neville ducks. Spinning kick to Bo. Another kick. One more, goes for a dropkick, misses. Clotrhesline, misses. Dallas with a back suplex attempt, but neville drops. Enziguri to Bo. Neville hits the corner. Red Arrow attempt, but Bo Dallas rolls to the outside. Bo drops onto the apron. Springboard moonsault to Bo Dallas on the outside!!! Neville grabs Bo, sends him back in the ring, and looks to head up the corner again. Bo scurries away. Neville drops, eats an elbow. He flips away. Bo runs into a kick. Neville hits the corner again, but Dallas swings with the ropes, and trips up Neville as he is on the apron.

Bo grabs the head of Neville. He hits his finisher. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Bo Dallas
I mean…ok.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Axel enters the ring to help celebrate. He gets on the top rope, corner, and yells for his buddy. Bo attacks from behind!!! He clotheslines Axel on the outside. He tosses Acel into the barricade. Another toss into the barricade! Bo with a running knee into the face of Axel.

I’m all for vicious turns, but you gotta care about the victim…nobody cares about Axel.

Match 5: Bayley vs Dana Brooke
Dana jets it, leaving the ring the minute the bell rings. She poses on the outside. Bayley leaves th ring and chases Dana back in the ring. Dana then leaves and Bayley follows. Dana heads back in the ring, and Bayley is frustrated. Bayley hops on the apron. She asks if Dana is done bein a bitch. Dana tries to cheap shot her, but Bayley hits a kick then hangs up Dana. Bayley in the ring with a facebuster. She grabs Dana up then whips to the corner. Clothesline. Bayley with a short whip back into the corner and another clothesline. Bayley sends Dan into the corner head first a few times, then gets a surprise right hand after the 9th drop or so. Dana slaps Bayley around, then just tosses her sideways into the corner. The ref backs Dana up and asks if Bayley is ok. Dana just kicks her in the head. Another stomp, and this time she lays in with the boots in the corner. Dana grabs the legs of Bayley and pulls her into the middle of the ring the hard way. Pin for 1..2..NO! Cravat from behind by Dana. Dana drops Bayley down hard, flexes, then locks the hold in again. Dana sends Bayley into the corner, then flips forward and chokes Bayley up. Bayley fires out with a clothesline, but Dana gets a bit of her own. Drop toe hold by Bayley into a beatdown to the back of the head. Bayley shoves Dana into the corner, flips out, then flies with an elbow. She sends Dana into the corner, hops to the 2nd rope, but sees Dana leave the ring! Bayley hops down to the mat on the outside. Sliding dropkick between the post and ropes!!!

Dana in the ring Bayley hops to the 2nd rope, but Dana blocks it and drops Bayley down hard. Dana with a cover. 1…2…3!!!! Wait…whaaa??

Winner: Dana Brooke
I mean…I get it but….
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: 3/4*

Heyman is here live via WWE Studios!!! Heyman says the WWE Universe is going to make the case for us. He says this has spiraled out of control. Maybe Goldberg should pay attention to what Heyman is going to say. The challenge was rhetorical. Goldbergi s goiin to fly tonight and appear on RAW.He’s not going to show up to say no. He’s going to show up to say yes. Heyman wants Goldberg to think about this. Wonder why Brock did not challenge Goldberg face to face? It’s because, Bill, Brock doesn’t even think about Golderg anymore. He’s not worth the sweat off of Brock’s ass. It’s a video game, BILL. It’s a fantasy, BILL. Heyman suggests for Goldberg to show up tonight and respectfully just say no, because maybe – just maybe – if you say yes, then Goldberg is going to piss Brock Lesnar off. It already pisses him off that Goldberg beat him 12 years ago and thinks he can do it again. The Universe believes he cn do it again, because they chant his stupid name. Of course, this elicits the chant. Heyman says he can hear all of us, and that’s going to piss Brock off, too. He tells Goldberg to say no tonight, because if he doesn’t, he will be beatened and embarrassed by the ass-kicking, top box office attraction that you phantasize that he can still beat.

There are three men in the ring awaiting Braun Strowman. I am in better shape than all three of them. This says something.

Match 6: Braun Strowman vs Denver’s Nuggets
Red pants goes for the Crane Kick, but Braun sends him flying. Two at a time, and he sends them bouncing off the ropes, onto each other. Splash in the corner to red pants. Braun grabs red pants and just tosses him OVER THE FUCKING ROPES!!!! He lands on the two others. Braun heads to the outside and beats the chest of one of the guys then heads back. Hafro Jack in the ring, but he’s short lived as he gets tossed to the outside. The other two enter the ring, then eat a double dropkick. Splash in the corner to red pants. One guy decides to quit. He looks to leave the arena, but Braun chases his ass across the ring and trucks him down.

Braun sends the kid back in the ring, then grabs Red Pants and powerslams him down hard. Braun grabs the third guy and hits a reverse chokeslam onto Red Pants. Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winner: Braun Strowman
Well that was fun…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: 1/2*

Braun asks for a mic. If he doesn’t get the competiton he wants, then he’ll get it himself. He’s coming to the back to take matters into his own ha—

The music of Sami Zayn hits! He’s here! The crowd sings along with his music as he makes his way down the ramp and finally into the ring. Sami isn’t backing down. Braun gets in his face and nods. Braun with a hard shove, sending Sami all the way out of the ring, to the outside, into the barricade.

So there’s that…

Backstage, Sami is walking. That cute chick comes up with a mic and asks Sami why he picked a fight with Braun. Sami says because nobody else will.

Rusev is here and he says in two weeks time, he’ll have the opportunity to crush Reigns in a cell. He takes offense to some USA chants. Rusev yells at Lana as the crowd starts the Yes chant. He tells Lana to say something. Lana tells all of us that we need to understand that Rusev is not only the greatest US Champ of all time, he is also a phenomenal family man. Good lord, Lana, that ass. Oh, sorry. Um. Rusev says stuff about family. Rusev says Reigns has 700 Samoans sitting around a campfire, dipping a turkey leg in mayo and watching what he does. They crack coconuts over their head and wear facepaint. Rusev wants to introduce his family.

We get a video package introducing The Rusev. We get to see Mama Rusev. She is the strongest woman Rusev knows. She is 2 time World Rowing champion. Lana says this is what it means to be a champion, unlike all the women here that are nothing. She is gorgeous – so beautiful. A lot of us do not like our nagging mother in laws, but Lana loves this woman.

Rusev: “Dont you dare boo my mother!”

Lol.

Rusev didn’t know they legalized stupidity in this state. Rusev wants to introduce us to Poppa Rusev. Crowd boos. This man is a legend. Military for 3 years, before becoming a wrestling champion, and he’s still gorgeous to this day. Current Day poppa looks like someone Donald Trump would try to get rid of. Rusev introduces Brother Rusev, a chef in Bulgaria. Finally, we meet Grandma Rusev. She’s stacked, yo.

BORING chant begins. Rusev goes through a few more pictures, until Reigns finally interrupts. He’s got the title over his shoulder, and a mic in his hand. Reigns says Rusev is right about one thing; he’s got a big family, but he’s not talking about his bloodline, he’s talking about The Roman Empire (you know, the people who are booing him right now). Reigns says Rusev looks more like the family dog. Rusev says Reigns can disrespect his family, but you cannot disrespect Rusev. haha.

Reigns tells Rusev to call whoever he needs to call, cuz come HITC, it’s just Reigns vs Rusev. One way in, one way out. When he’s done with Rusev, the only place Rusev will call is 911. Rusev takes offense to those three numbers in such proximity, and looks to fight.

Lana gets in between the two of them. She smacks Reigns right ni the face. Rusev grabs her arm, and Rusev hits a Superkick to the head! He sends Reigns to the outside, then tosses him into the steps. Rusev grabs the steps. Reigns is standing. Rusev hits Reigns with the ring steps. Rusev grabs Reigns and sends him into the ring. Rusev grabs the bottom portion of the steps. He sends them into the ring with some trouble. Reigns is up. Right hands. Rusev sends him into the ropes. Kick to Reigns. Rusev sends Reigns into the steps head first. Rusev lays REigns across the steps, then locks in The Accolade.

The Club come out. They’ll be having a match shortly. Well, one of them will. Enzo and Cass are out next and…what the hell is Enzo wearing?! haha.

Enzo notices the two spudheads in the ring. A cup-a hatas? Hate it or love it, Cass does not care. They take their opinion and shove it. Enzo says that these two have been chumps from the jump, they’re chump change. Cass is comin in that ring to dump spirals on his dome piece like he’s John Elway. They do a spelling contest, and I think Enzo wins.

Match 7: Karl Anderson vs Big Cass
Anderson rushes, and Cass stopshim. Big uppercuts in the corner, then a bunch of rights. Ref breaks it up. A right to the git, another. Fallaway Slam from Big Cass. Cass heads to the outside. He leans against the barricade in pain. Cass leaves the ring, too. Enzo runs towards Cass, Cass vatches him and tosses him into the stalking Gallows from behind. Cass heads to the apron. Anderson is up. Kick and a pin for 1..2..NO!!!

Cass grabs Anderson, hits himself a big ass slam known as East River Crossing and pin for 1….2….3!!!

Winner: Big Cass
Meh
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Neese and are talking. They’re telling someone to take care of their end of the bargain, and they’ll take care of his. It’s Kendrick. He tells them that he’ll take care of the rest. In comes TJ. He calls Kendrick Sir Lancelot. Kendrick says there are no friends on RAW, but there can be allies. Perkins wonders what Brian offered the other two. Kendrick says TJ knew the old Kendrick. TJ says at HITC, it’s Game Over man. Kendrick says this isn’t a game. This isn’t WWE 2k17, and he’s got unlimited lives. Kendrick says he’s on his last life, whichm akes him the most dangerous player in this game. In come TJ’s partners, and we got all six men going face to face.

Some writing just can’t be made better, regardless of who is speaking…

Lita sat wit Sasha Banks earlier today to ask about our very private relationship. Sasha, thankfully, said very little regarding our private moments and moved on to Charlotte. She says it’s crazy how far her and Charlotte have come. She respects Charlotte. But, she’s here to show why Sasha is the best. She’s going to probe this at HITC.

Lita mentions Charlotte calling Sasha one of her toughest competitors. Sasha says this has been her only dream. She’s making history. She can’t get that through Charlotte’s head that this is real. It’s huge and special (awww, thanks honey).

Sasha says when she sits back and thinks about all she’s done in the WWE, it’s crazy. This revolution has come so far, and just to know she is a part of history is something she can’t believe. Lita says she is just getting started.

Lita takes Sasha back to Summerslam and Sasha’s back. Sasha says she is 100%

Lita wants to know if there is any part of Sasha that is afraid. Sasha takes some time, then says she doesn’t want to say it’s fear. It’s not fear. She knows what she got herself into, she wanted this. She isn’t afraid, because she’s been watching these matches, trying to preapre herself mentally, but she knows once she is in there, it can’t be fear. Fear is not an option. She’s going to make history.

Sasha came off way better than Charlotte. Seems like Charlotte memorized line for line, while Sasha ad-libbed a bit. Not saying it was great, but very noticeably better.

Match 8: Brian Kendrick, Tony Nese, Drew Gulak vs Cedric Alexander, Rich Swann, and TJ Perkins
Gulak and Swann to start. Lockup and Gulak gets him against the ropes. Ref breaks it and Gulak just slaps the shit out of Swann’s face. Takedown into a facelock. They do some fancy stuff that I miss. Someone text me. It wasn’t a nude. Sorry. Cedric in. Nese in. ROpe work. Dropkick by Cedrick. Body slam near the ropes. Tag to TJ who flips over the top rope onto Cedric. He gets Nese in the corner, flips, locks the head, but Nese holds on and drops TJ into a suplex! Pin for 1..2.NO! Tag to Kendrick. TJ is quick to lock the leg but Kendrick gets the ropes!

Back from a break. Gulak and Cedrick in the ring. Cedrick flips wiht a kick. Gulk with a tag to Kendrick. Kendrick grabs the leg, knocks TJ off the apron. Turns into a back body drop. Tag to Swann. Tag to Nese. Kick to the chest by Swann. Clothesline to Nese. Another. Nese in the corner. He runs…right into a kick. Nese goes to the top rope, but Swann hops up and frankensteins Nese. Pin for 1..2..NO! GUlak in to stop the pin. Alexander there to knock him out. Kendrick in. Both men head to the outside after a flip. TJ hits the wrecking ball dropkick to Gulak. Nese in the middle of the ring. Swann on the top rope. Nese hits an uppercut. Swann falls hard. 450 Splash.

Tag to Kendrick, and Kendrick is in with the Captain’s Hook. Swann looks to tap. TJ reaches for Kendrick, but Nese has his foot in his hand!!! Nese pulls TJ and Swann taps!

Winners: Brian Kendrick, Drew Gulak, and Tony Nese
A whole lot of average tonight.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/4

Backstage, Steph and Foley talk about RAW vs SD come Survivor Series. Foley points to the HITC card, and says that they said it couldn’t be done. Steph gives him credit for Hell in the Cell. It does make Steph wonder, though, what about next Monday night? Foley says the ingredients are there, Jericho/Owens/Rollins. How about next week, Jericho, Rollins, Owens in a triple threat match. Steph says she loves it. Steph and Foley play best friends for a bit.

Cole summarizes the past few weeks leading up to Goldberg’s appearance. We go backstage, and see Goldberg take the long trek to the ring. There are a bunch of WWE names and people clapping and applauding while he walks, which is kind of weird.

The sparklers hit, and here he is!! Goldberg! He doesn’t pull anything while doing his big kick. Goldberg is full face, kissin babies and stuff. Someone says Fuck, so they blot that out. Large and long chant for the man. He bows to the crowd with gratitude, seemingly humbled by the response. He hops to the top rope and soaks in the cheers.

HOLY SHIT chant.

Or is it Foley’s Hip?

THIS IS AWESOME chant.

Goldberg thanks us for not forgetting who he is.

Cole speaks up, brings Goldberg’s comments up, and Heyman’s response. He gives the floor to Goldberg.

Goldberg thanks Cole. 12 Years, he says. You never say never, ey? Never thought he’d be in this ring again, so thank you for the humble return. What makes this so special is that his wife and son are here to see him live for the first time ever. His son looks all kinds of shy about it. haha. Cute.

Back in January, he got a call from the WWE. He travelled all around the world to promote the game. Goldberg says he’s missed a lot of things in this business. One of those things is being a superhero for the kids all around the world. There aren’t enough of those anymore. The game gave him that opportunity. He could go to all the kids, shake their hands and he could see in their eyes that he was GOLDBERG. It gave him the opportunity to do this everywhere, but somehow he created a lot of drama here in the E, and this made him think. He thought long and hard and he thinks that maybe it’s better left alone. Maybe he keep it in the video game.

BUT THEN….

Brock Lesnar challenged him to a fight. Of course, Brock didn’t have the balls to do it himself. He made Heyman, his fat little stooge, do it for him. Goldberg turns to Simon, asks him what would he do? He thought to himself that maybe he’s got one more ass-kicking left in him. He thought to himself that maybe he’s got one bad ass spear left in him. He thought to himself that maybe he’s got one last Jackhammer in him! So…Brock…not only does it mean that “You’re Next,” but most importantly, it means “Brock Lesnar, You’re Last!”

Goldberg grabs his son and places him on his shoulders, then walks around the ring a bit as his wife tears up and films this.

Cole informs us that Lesnar will be on RAW next week to respond.

End Show