411’s WWE RAW Report 3.13.17
We’re startin off hot. Brock Lesnar is here with his advocate!
Heyman basically calls Brock a Goldberg-eating carnivore. He brings up Mania as the night his client causes the so-called announcers, “Down goes Goldberg!” Admittedly, he will confess, that for the past few months— the crowd cuts him off with Goldberg chants. Heyman says he ain’t here tonight, but Brock is, so please pay attention to his advocate. This is his nice way of saying, “Shut the hell up,” ok? He wants to admit to us that he and Brock have wondered what the hell do they do about this Goldberg issue. Every single time they come face to face, the result is Spear, Jackhammer, Goldberg. But not last week. Last week was different, wasn’t it. Last week, it was F-5, Down Goes Goldberg.
My feed goes out and comes back with Steph telling Foley that he can’t take shit personally. She says that Foley’s areas of opportunity are significant. She wants to nurture and develop FOley. Tough love didn’t work out. Foley says he works better with a pat on the back. Steph is going to take all that she has learned, and if Foley is willing to learn, she is willing to teach. It’s good now, but it could be so much better. She has his first lesson. It’s a hard one. By the end of the night, she wants him to determine the one person that Foley is going to fire. She wants him to trim the fat and think like a business person. he has until the end of the night.
Match 1: Sasha Banks vs Dana Brooke
Lockup to start. Dana gets Sasha in the corner and wails on her with some rights. Dana grabs Sasha by the hair and slams her into the 2nd turnbuckle. Dana leaves the ring and drags Sasha over the apron. Uppercut to the head. Dana rolls in and covers for 1..2..NO! Sasha i up with some rights. Sunset flip for 1. Sasha up. Knees into a pin for 1..2..NO! Dana with a kick to the gut.
Dana with the Fireman’s and Sasha drops off. Rollup! Possible holding of the tights! 1….2….3!!
Winner: Sasha Banks
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Charlotte grabs a mic and heads into the ring. She yells that Dana is a disgrace and doesn’t deserve to be by her side. She will not ride Charlotte’s coattails to Mania. She’s finally getting rid of Dana. Dana with a right hand to the face of Charlotte! She beats Charlotte down in the corner. Whip into a short clothesline!!! Dana mounts. Punches to Charlotte until she rolls out of the ring. Dana follows! She grabs Charlotte and rolls her back in the ring. Charlotte rolls back out and Dana attempts to grab her. Dana screams at Charlotte to get back in the ring, but she’s not down.
Didn’t we do this a few months ago? Didn’t care then, either…
Match 2: TJ Perkins and Akira Tozawa vs Brian Kendrick and Tony Nese
Akira and Kendrick to start, NOPE! Nese attacks from behind, and he’s the starting heel. He grabs Akira and hits a forearm then tags in Brian. Kendrick grabs Akira by the head and shoves him down in the middle of the ring. Akira with the fake out into a right punch. Hurricanrana off the run, and Kendrick lands on the apron. Forearm to the jaw of Kendrick, sending him down to the mat below. Suicie dive from Akira! Nese tries to attack, but TJ Perkins flies off the apron with a hurricanrana of his own.
Back from a break and Kendrick has the upperhand with Akira. Tag to Nese, and he rushes in but eats a forearm! Akira goes for a tag, but Kendrick is nearby and trips up TJ Perkins. Nese with a cover in the ring for 1..2..NO! Snapmare then a body scissors. Akira knees out of the hold, so Nese switches to a front face lock, then a bear hug of sorts. Akira looks for a tag but Nese won’t let it happen. Akira with a sunset flip into an Enziguri to Kendrick on the apron! Tag to Perkins! Perkins in with an arm drag. Wheelbarrow into a bulldog. Cover for 1..2..NO! Kendrick enters, drops an elbow, but Kendrick moves and it hits Nese. Akira comes in, Kendrick sends him out. TJ sends Kendrick out. Nese with a hard clothesline, and the cover! 1…2….NO! Both men up. Nese rushes the corner. Perkins with a springboard DDT. Cover for 1..2..NO! Kendrick in to hit a right hand to the face! Akira on the apron. Kendrick back in his spot. Firermans to Nese, but Kendrick holds the legs of Nese. Akira runs in and just kicks Kendrick off the apron! Nese shoves TJ perkins into Akira, sending him to the outside.
Nese with a rollup and a pin for 1..2….3!!!
Winners: Tony Nese and Brian Kendrick
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4
Charly is backstage with Anderson and Gallows. She wonders who they would rather face come Mania. Anderson has a question of his own. Why does everyone want to talk about Sheamus/Cesaro and Enzo/Cass? They’ve won gold all over the world.
Gallows doesn’t want to talk about “those nerds.” Anderson says the spotlight should be theirs, and if no one will give it to them, they’ll just take it.
After a commercial break, Owens is in the ring with a spotlight directly on him, and the crowd dimmed. Loud Y2J chant. Owens says one month ago today, Owens took the spotlight and put it back right where it belongs.
We get a clip of the turn on Jericho.
Owens says a lot of people are upset with him about all of this, but he wants to let us in on a secret; he is not Jericho’s best friend, nor was he ever. But trust him, Chris Jericho never – not even for one second – actually truly considered Owens to be his best friend either. All Jericho was doing was try and get close to him so that he could get close to Owen’s (He is sure to proclaim “MY”) title. He did what everyone here would do and stabbed Jericho in the back before Jericho could stab him in the back. Jericho now wants revenge? He got Owens at Fastlane, because Goldberg didn’t beat Owens at Fastlane, Jericho beat Owens at Fastlane.
Come Mania, Owens will take Jericho’s US Title just like he took Owens title away from him. When he is done, the only thing left of Y2J will be the tears of Jericho. Cry it out, man!
Match 3: Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho and Sami Zayn
Joe to start with Jericho. Jericho hits a dropkick and a chop to Joe. Whip is reversed and Joe hits an inverted atomic drop. Hits the ropes. Huge kick to Jericho. Senton to Jericho. Pin for 1..2..NO! Right forearms to Jericho, sending him into the corner. Whip to Jericho. Jericho with a right. Missile dropkick and a pin for 1..2..NO! Jericho wtih a kick. Tag to Sami. Right hands. Chop from Joe! Joe with a right hand. Another. Chop to Sami. Whip to Sami. Sami with a leapfrog. Head scissors. Right hand to Joe. Whip to Joe. Reversed. Big Shoulder in the corner. Joe with a kick to Sami’s face! Tag to Owens. Stomps to Sami. Owens does the Jericho pin for 1..2.>NO! Jericho taunts him on the apron. SUPERKICK from Owens, sending Jericho off the apron. He gets Sami in the corner. Sami elbows Joe off the apron. He sends Owens to the outside. Sami with a flip over the top rope onto Owens and Joe! Sami is favoring the knee. Sami grabs Joe and sends him into the ring. Sami is still selling the knee. Right hand to Joe in the ring. Owens sneaks into the ring. Clips the knee from behind. Two on one stomps in the middle of the ring. The ref tries to hold Owens back, but Owens keeps going.
The ref backs him up, but Owens keeps going. The ref finally calls for the DQ.
Winners: Sami Zayn and Chris Jericho via DQ
Short. Like this review.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **
Joe gets The Clutch in! Jericho rushes in and sends Joe to the outside. Owens and Jericho lockup. Jericho hooks the legs, goes for The Walls, Owens is nearly over on his belly, but Joe is back in and hits the neck with a righyt foreram. Headbutts to Jericho from Samoa Joe. He holds Jericho from behind. Owens witha right hand. More. He beats Jericho down, then stomps. Owens backs up, hard right to the face of Jericho until more refs come down to break it up. Joe rushes Jericho forward for a pop-up powerbomb.
Backstage, Steph offers Foley help with the firing. Foley says he appreciates that, and he will eliminate someone from the roster. Steph points out Zayn on the sheet, calling him an underperformer.
Nia Jax comes up to the duo. Nia brings up Sasha getting added to the title matcch and not her. She wants justice. Foley says she has been proving herself. Steph interjects and says Nia is correct. She deserves to be a part of the conversation. Tonight, Nia will go one on one with Bayley.
After a break, Foley is walking backstage with a clipboard. Jinder comes up to him, yelling that he is a main event level talent and an asset to RAW. He wants a chance to prove this tonight and blames Rusev for holding him back. Foley says tonight, the man who comes in peace will be the man who comes down to the ring and faces Roman Reigns.
New Day is backstage to attempt to sell us something. Apparently this is a new talk show called New Day Talks. They want to have the biggest guest possible, so of course, we have The Big Show. They congratulate him for having the possibility of being a possible two time winner of the ATGMBR.
They shill the Jetsons movie and cut Show off every time he tries to talk. Titus enters, and I’m no longer interested. I’m not saying this segment is bad, but I’ll offer this image instead of recapping the rest of it:
ENZO and CASS are here!
Last week they had a title match, and a couple of spectators came out. One of them was a clutz, though, and spilled coffee all over themselves, so they got said clutz a gift. A stagehand hands Enzo a coffee mug that has the whole “what do we got over here?”
Enzo says there are two types of men in this world, and Sheamus and Cesaro aren’t either one of em. Cass says March Madness is in full swing and we’re looking at the bracket breakers. They are the Cinderella Story. They are not the number one seed, they are Enzo and Big Cass, and we fill out our bracket, we gotta put them in the championship column because tonight, they punch their ticket into Mania, and come Mania, they become champions.
Enzo and Big Cass are leaving Motown in style. They’re beatin Sheamus and Cesaro from The Joe all the way to 8 Mile. There’s only ONE word to describe them.
Match 4: Enzo and Cass vs Cesaro and Sheamus
Cesaro starts the match with a huge dropkick to Cass! Uppercut to Cass in the corner. Cesaro tries to whip out of the corner, but Cass is too strong. Sidewalk slam to Cesaro cover for 1. NO! Whip and Cesaro hits a kick then a tag. Double clothesline to Cass and Sheamus pins for 1..NO! Cass is up in the corner. Sheamus with right hands. Ref holds him back and Cass sends Sheamus into the corner. Right upercut in the corner. Sheamus reversse. Shoulder to the gut. Hits the ropes. Running knee. Cass still up. Sheamus hits the ropes. Cass with a drop to Sheamus. He drops Enzo on Shemaus after the tag. Pin but Cesaro is in to rip Enzo off of Sheamus.
Back from a break, and Cesaro drops Enzo for a pin. 1..2..NO! Tag to Sheamus. Whip to Sheamus and Cesaro is on the second rope to help send Enzo down hard. Cover for 1..2.NO! Cass in to break it up. Sheamus shoves Cass, and the ref holds the big man back. Tag to Cesro. Cesaro in with an uppercut. Cesaro with a side headlock to Enzo. Sheamus tries to hit the corner, but Enzo moves and Sheamus hits the post. Tag to Cesaro. Enzo in the ring, looks for a tag, but Cesaro holds the leg! Enzo with an enziguri! Enzo crawls towards Cass. TAG!! Shoulder tackl to Cesaro! Again! Fallaway Slam!! Splash in the corner! Another fallaway slam! Splash in the corner. Big Boot to Cesaro!! Sheamus got the blind tag! he’s no the top rope! Battering ram from the top! Cass sends Sheamus over the rope! Sheamus locks up Cass, but Cass escapes. Hits the ropes! BIG BOOT!! Sheamus is on the ground! Cass heads to the outside. they both stand.
Anderson and Gallows are here! They attack Cesaro and Sheamus!!! The ref calls for the DQ
Winners: No Contest
Triple Threat at Mania?
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***
Anderson and Gallows get Cesaro into tyhe ring and beat him down. Stomps to Cesaro over and over. Enzo in the ring but Gallows just destroys him! Magic Killer to Cesaro and the tag team champions stand proud.
Attention turns to Braun Strowman turning away last Monday due to Takerference.
Backstage, Foley is here to yell at Anderson and Gallows, and it seems like we are getting that Triple Threat tag match at Mania.
Match 5: Roman Reigns vs Jinder Mahal
Lockup to start. Reigns backs Jinder into the corner. Ref holds him back and Jinder takes advantage with a kick to the gut. Hard right elbows to Reigns. Reigns with a powerbomb and a cover for 1..2.NO! Reigns withj a hard clothesline in the corner. Another. A few more.
THE UNDERTAKER’S DONG!!!!
Reigns turns! Eyes set on the ramp! No one comes. JINDER WITHA BIG BOOT!!! Leg drop to Jinder! Body slam and a cover for 1…2..NO!!! Reigns kicks out! Jinder with the beat down in the middle of the ring. Stomp to REigns. Jinder with a dropkick. Right hands to Reigns in the corner. Stomps and ak nee to the neck of Reigns. Superman Punch!
Reigns lifts Jinder up. A second Superman Punch. Cover for 1..2….3!!
Winner: Roman Reigns
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Reigns on the mic says he’s not messing around tonight and calls The Undertaker out “like a man.” -eye roll-
After a commercial break, we return to Roman Reigns still in the ring waiting for The Undertaker.
He gets another cowboy in a hat, though!
SHAWN MICHAELS is here!!! He heads down the ramp and grabs a mic. Reigns says it’s pretty cool to see HBK, and says it’s obvious Detroit loves HBK, but Reigns says he didn’t call out HBK. He called out The Undertaker.
Michaels doesn’t want to waste Reigns time. He saw what happened last week, and he definitely saw a few minutes ago what happened. That gong went off and Reigns got distracted. HBK says Reigns is unfocused and needs to understand that this far out at Mania and Taker is already set up shot in that head of Reigns, come Mania, Taker is going to eat Reigns alive.
Reigns seems doubtful. He says it’s not happening. The only question he’s been getting is what’s it going to be like to be in the ring with Taker, but maybe Taker needs to consider what it’s going to be like to be in the ring with Reigns.
HBK Sees that this is his yard now, and he’s the big dog, but try to understand that he is Mr. Wrestle-Freakin-Mania. He knows what it’s like to walk around with the weight and pressure on his shoulders, and have everyone secretly hope that Reigns fails. HBK has walked in Reigns shoes. He ain’t out here to get conrontational. He’s on Reigns side.
Reigns appreciates the advice and help, but with all due respect – The Undertaker retired HBK and Reigns is the guy that’s going to retire The Undertaker. Reigns walks up the ramp and looks back at HBK with a nod.
He trucks down Reigns at the top of the ramp then eyeballs HBK and screams “IF I WANTED TO DO IT TO YOU, I WOULD!!”
Backstage, Foley is still considering who to fire. Steph tells him that if he doesn’t do it within an hour, then she will, and he may not like who she chooses.
Match 6: Austin Aries vs Ariya Daivari
Ariya offers a handshake. Aries shakes the finger. Ariya with a kick to Aries. Whip to the ropes. Aries witha right forearm. Whip to the ropes. Austin leap frogs over, then arm drags Ariya. Again, locking it. head scissors from Ariya, but Aries handstands out of it then hits a dropkick. Aries with a right hand out of the corner. Again to the center of the head. Aries gets sent over the top rope and lands on his face on the apron. Ariya heads to the outside. He grabs Aries and sends him into the ring. Right hands to the back of the head of Aries. Daivari locks the arm behind Aries then hits a hard clothesline to Aries! Pin for 1..2..NO! Ariya cinches the head, driving his fingers into the eyes of Aries. Ariya with a chop. Whip to the ropes. Aries with a clap behind the ears. Clothesline. Again. Chop to the chest. Aries with an inverted, then a body slam. Aries with a spinning elbow to the chest of Ariya. Aries eats a back elbow, then sends Daivari to the outside. Aries hits the ropes. Suicide dive between the middle ropes! He sends Ariya back in the ring. Locks up from behind. He hooks a knee, kneebreaker into a back suplex, and Ariya lands on his neck!
Aries drops an elbow pad. He waits. Aries hits the ropes. Rolling elbow! Pin for 1..2….3!!!
Winner: Austin Aries
Nice little debut match for Mr. Aries
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/2
Recap of last week when Goldy and Brocky got all intimate n stuff.
Match 7: The Big Show vs Titus O’Neil
Show with a chop in the corner. He misses another, and Titus ducks and hits a few kicks. He runs right into a tackle by Show. Show grabs Titus and clubs the back. Show with a chop to the chest. Show with a body slam attempt, but Titus falls to his feet, clubs the back, the hits a big boot. Show stands up like nothing and hits a chokeslam. Cole acts like it’s the sickest move known to mankind.
Show lifts Titus and hits a second chokeslam. The crowd wants a third. Show obliges, weakily. Pin for 1..2…3!!!
Winner: The Big Show
Take that Shaquille O’Neal
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Bayley is nervous backstage. Sasha helps her by talking about how beatable Nia Jax is. Sasha tells Bayley not to listen to the haters. Bayley says, “What haters?” Sasha says they should focus on Mania and finding out who the better woman is. They shake hands.
Backstage, Jericho is icing his back. SOme dude with a mic asks Jericho how he plans on responding. Jericho says that after all that’s happened, he’ll get his revenge come Mania. He’s gonna pay him back, man. Until then, he wants to show everyone the real Owens. He wants to expose Owens, and he will next week on a special edition of The Highlight Reel, and he’ll have THE REAL Kevin Owens as a guest. Everyone is going to want to watch….IT. Jericho tells the announcer, “hit the bricks, Tom.” Mike says he’s not Tom…
Jericho asks Mike if he knows what happens when you insult Jericho’s intelligence, and when you don’t even know your own name? Tom Phillips…..YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!
Match 8: Bayley vs Nia Jax
Bayley tries to escape the corner, ducks unde a clothesline, attempt a side headlock takedown, but Nia backs her into the corner. Nia locks the hed and sends Bayley into the corner. bayley regroups, lockup! Nia sends Bayley into the ropes hard, giving her some whiplash. Nia locks up the neck and sends Bayley to the outside the hard way. Nia leaves the ring and talks some shit. She headbutts Bayley then sends her back in the ring. Bayley kicks Nia away outside. Nia gets pissed and just flips over the steps like nothing. Nia hops up on the apron.
After a break, we return to Nia wrenching the back of Bayley across her knee. She pushes down on the neck of Bayley. Bayley with a knee to the face, again. nia shoves Bayley aside. Nia with a hair grab but Bayley hits a jawbreaker. Nia with a kick to the chest against the ropes. Again. Nia goes for a kick, but Bayley side steps and locks Nia’s leg up on the ropes. Side kick to the hammy. Bayley hits the ropes and sends Nia to the outside. Nia heads into the ring, but Bayley hits a stunner like move while Nia hangs on the 2nd rope. Nia sends Bayley into the corner. Kickcs out of the corner. She heads to the 2nd rope and flies with a crossbody. Nia catches her, though! Goes for a Samoan Drop, but Bayley elbows out. Kick to the knee! Bayley looks for a chokehold, but Nia escapes and sends Bayley flying. Tackle in the corner is missed, as Bayley moves. Bear hug to Bayley! Nia drops Bayley onto the ropes. Splash in the corner. Again. Headbutt. Shoulders over and over. Bayley drops to seated.
Nia kicks. She’s ignoring the ref. The ref calls for a DQ ending.
Nearly every match has been derailed by a commercial or a crap ending. This one was no different.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *
Nia hangs Bayley in the Tree of Woe. Nia looks to squash her, but the ref stops her and sends her out of the ring. The ref helps Bayley down. Nia isn’t done, though. She grabs Bayley and sends her into the barricade back-first.
Looks like Braun will go head to head with Roman.
We’re back to RAW, and Steph is in the middle of the ring ready to make someone look bad. She says she gave Foley an opportunity to prove that she has grown and is a leader. She introduces Foley, and he heads out.
Foley first wants to say that he thought this assignment was just an exercise in callous cruelty, because he couldn’t think of one person to be terminated, but then within the last few minutes, he came to a conclusion, and thinks that this assignment will make him a better person and GM, and it will definitely make for a better RAW.
Steph is proud of him and wants to know who it is.
After careful deliberation, the name he has come up with is….Stephanie McMahon.
Huge reaction from the crowd. Yes Chants all around.
Stephanie says that’s so loud, it’s almost deafening. She says it’s not within Foley’s power to fire her. She wants a name now. Foley says she deserves to go. She looks at our roster and cheats them like jokes. They are human beings. Before he made this decision, he wants her to know how much he valued their friendship. She swore to him that she had nothing to do with Triple H’s interference. He believed her, but he is looking into the eyes of a really good liar, and a really bad person, and she needs to go. Foley says all along it was she and her husband. Triple H isn’t a creator of Superstars, he’s a creator o his own personal army.
Steph cuts him off and asks if he wants to find out how bad she can really be. She wonders where his balls went.
Foley cuts HER off and says he will not be silenced! He will not be…
BOW DOWN TO THE GAME!!!
Triple H says if Foley has something to say, say it to his face.
Foley says he didn’t know Triple H existed, just thought he creeped in the shadows.
Triple H says he’s not hiding, he’s running a business. He has a business mindset, and that means that three weeks before Mania, he doesn’t want a lawsuit by tearing off Foley’s leg.
Foley wonders if it’s Samoa Joe that he’ll be sending, since that’s the thing he seems to be doing.
Triple H calls Foley a nostalgia act, and says he would have never brought Foley back. He works so hard at creating a future so that he doesn’t have to look at pathetic hasbeens like Foley. He would have never brought him back, but Stephanie has a big heart and for some reason, Foley amuses her. Steph actually really likes Foley, which is why he wants to give Foley some advice. Do not mistake Steph’s heart for a lack of being able to do what it takes. She is every bit the business man/woman that Vince taught her to be, and then some and right now, Foley is running dangerously close to having to go back to dragging his beat up, warn out body around the globe trying to tell his stupid stories about the man Foley used to be.
Foley says he has respects of the RAW Supertars, and they envy him, because he doesn’t have to pretend Triple H. He doesn’t need Triple H or the company. Foley says he can look in the mirror and like what he sees in the reflection.
Triple H says he is sure when Foley looks in the mirror, trhis is a splendid sight, and he’s happy that it works for Foley – he just wonders how his kids will feel about that.
Remember Mick’s kids? Noelle? Her dream is to be a WWE Superstar. Dewey? Well, he works back at the office. Maybe Mick will be willing to give him a ride to the unemployment office. No, Triple H is sure they’ll forgive their selfish father.
Triple H gets in the face of Foley, then talks to his good ear and says this should pull on his heart strings. This is what Mick needs to do right now – he needs to tuck his tail and waddle up the ramp, and when he gets in the back, he needs ti have an epiphany where he decides he loves his job and needs it. That’s what he needs to do. Then, when he runs into Steph again, and she tells Foley to jump, then Foley better damn well jump, Monkey.
Triple H tells Foley to get the hell out of his ring.
Steph tells the crowd that we all need to go to our bosses and thank them for this opportunity.
Foley is seething in the corner. Triple H notices. He goes to Foley and grabs his arm. MR SOCKO!!! The Mandible Claw onto The Game!!! Triple H is fading! He’s going down! LOW BLOW FROM STEPHANIE!!!!
HUGE FOLEY CHANT! Triple H is pissed.
He’s removing the jacket. Unclips the cufflinks. Foley is holding his crotch in the corner. Triple H rolls up the sleeves.
Seth FREAKIN ROLLINS is here….on a crutch.
He heads down the ramp and stands there while Triple H spreads his arms in the ring. He calls for Seth to come in. Seth stands then smiles and holds up the crutch. He drops it.
Seth pulled a Wonka on him!!!
Seth rushes the ring. They lockup!! Rights and lefts over and over! Seth attacks the head and beats Triple H down against the ropes! Huge kick to the midsection! Seth points to Mania. He hits the ropes! Kick to the face, and Triple h tumbles out of the ring!
Triple H is up. Rollins outstretches his hands now. Triple H grabs the fallen crutch. He heads back in the ring. But Seth attacks! He hits the ropes. Triple H is up! CLIPS THE KNEE! Triple H smacks Seth with the crutch right on the knee!
Triple H removes his shirt and stares down Seth some more. He grabs Rollins and stomps the knee then loves in a leg submission on him until refs come to break the hold. Triple H releases and stands back, staring down the refs.
Seth is able to stand just barely, but Triple H has the crutch again, and smacks Seth across the knee one more time before leaving the ring.