411’s WWE RAW Report 3.20.17

GUYS! I got DirecTV! Do you know what that means?! No more crapy streams where I can’t tell which Shining Star is Carlito’s brother! I can finally tell The Usos apart! I can see Sasha in beatiful HD! I can see how handsome Rusev is! I can see how beautiful that chick in the far left upper seats is…and damn!

Remember last week when Triple H called Mick Foley a monkey and got a dirty sock that must have been sittin under Foley’s nuts for ages shoved into his mouth?

Well we are here to remind you with a lengthy recap of the end of RAW from last week. Cole speaks as I accidentally google “Janice Griffith” and hope for the best. Foley has a written statement.

He claims that he stands before us all a humbled man, one who calls himself the GM of RAW. He wants to personally thank Triple H and Stephanie for giving him the opportunity of his life, and one that he put in jeopardy last week when he shoved Mr. Socko into Triple H’s mouth. FOr that, I apologize. With less than two weeks until Mania, the last thing he wants is for his personal problems with Steph to distract from “The Ultimate Thrill Ride.” He doesn’t want to be the center of attention, so with that in mind, for the good of WWE, Mania, and his own personal sanity….he is taking a leave of absence.

Foley then rips the index cards apart and says after 31 years, HHH hands Foley index cards?! He’s Mick Foley and he’ll say what he wants to say…then his mic is cut off and on.

Foley screams that there’s so much more he wanted to do, but it’s inaudible. Stephanie McMahon comes out to berate Foley and the crowd hates her for it. She says Foley can’t do shit right, and she gives him cards because he screws everything up. This is all about FOley, it’s never been about the Universe, it’s about Foley being liked. This is what it’s about, right? (Foley cheer). Foley doesn’t care about what’s best for business, he can’t even make the tough decisions. Steph has been wanting to say this for a long time. Mick Foley…..YOU’RE FIRED.

Vince McMahon, she is not.

Sami Zayn is here to make a statement. He tells Steph that she is wrong, and she has been wrong about a lot of her decisions, but no one has had the guts to tell her to her face. Steph thanks him for the morality lesson, and to please help his broken down mentor out. Foley tells Sami to just walk away.

CM PUNK chant for no reason.

Foley walks away, backing up the ramp.

Sami goes the opposite way, heading into the ring, and tells Steph that Foley has shown more class and integrity in nine months than Steph has in her whole life. And now she wants to tarnish his legacy just because he didn’t want to be a corporate puppet.

Steph says she wasn’t listening to Sami, and he’s not on the level to speak to Steph at all. She tells him to go backstage and consider how to make this all up to her. Steph says she can hit his music if he’d like. Sami considers heading out of the ring, but thinks better of it and turns back towards Steph. He says she is right, the smart thing would be for him to leave. Sami doesn’t do the smart thing, though, he does the right thing. And right now, he’s not going anywhere till…

SAMOA JOE!!!

Joe heads out all angry. Steph says she’s got this. She tells Foley to leave once and for all. Sami, he’s going to face Samoa Joe right now.

Sami hits the ropes! Plancha over the top rope onto Samoa Joe!!

Opening segments of DUH are back!!!!!

Match 1: Samoa Joe vs Sami Zayn
We come to the match already deep in like Xavier Woods. Joe chops Sami against the ropes, whips, and Sami leap frogs. He ducks a clothesline and hits a hurricanrana. Sami gets Joe in the corner, tries to mount, gets five hits, but Joe shoves him. Sami goes for the Blue Thunder but can’t lift Joe. Joe with a hard kick to the chest then the back of the neck. Pin for 1..2..NO! Right jabs to the face from Joe. Joe sends Sami into the corner head first. Sami on the apron. Elbow to the gut. Flips over Joe then hits a dropkick. Sami with a forearm. Joe. Will. Not. Fall. Sami hits the ropes. POWERSLAM from Joe. Pin for 1..2…NO! Whip by Joe int othe corner, hard. Joe waits for Sami to stand. Sami hits a chop, so Joe just hits a forearm to the face. Another chop from Sami, and Joe repeats the forearm. Sami goes down. Up and he is sent to the corner. Sami lifts a boot and Joe slaps him. Joe lookin for a Muscle Buster, but Sami fights out. Elbow to the top of the head, and Joe eats it. Spin kick to Sami, sending him tumbling down on the outside. Joe hits the ropes. Holy shit…he’s gonna…oohhhhhhh Suicide Dive from Joe, and he hits Sami hard like a battering ram!

We missed a running senton from Joe, and now he’s working the arms from behind. Sami fights out, flips then kicks Joe away. Right hand to the face. Another. Whip to the corner, reversed. Splash and elbow then another kick to Sami’s face! Joe sends Sami into the corner. Joe seated in the corner, and Joe just runs and brushes his foot against the face of Sami. Perhaps “brushes” isn’t the right word. Anyway, the ref is at 4, but the ref thinks he’s at 10 for some reason. I jest. Joe is waiting for Sami in the ring. Sami in at 9! Joe hits the ropes. SAMI WITH A HARD CLOTHESLINE! Sami is up first. Chop to Joe. Another. Another. Whip to the corner. Reersed. Joe runs into a n elbow, he hops up. Kick to the face. Crossbody. Pin for 1..2….NO! Zayn shakes off a stinger and waits for Joe to stand. Joe thinks better and rolls to the outside. Sami is about to hit the ropes, but Joe grabs the leg and drags him to the outside. Joe tries to send Sami into the post, but Sami reverses and hits the ringpost!!! Sami lines him up! Dive through the ropes into the DDT! BOth men in the ring now.

Joe in the corner. Sami wants the Helluva kick, but we get a hard STO from Joe!!! Joe with the clutch!!! Sami taps!

Winner: Samoa Joe
That was a hell of an opener
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

Wow….my new favorite wrestler who left the business far too early…Little Lungs.

Foley is backstage with Sami. Sami says we all need Foley. Foley says RAW needs Sami to stand up for them. It’s up to Sami to carry the weight. They hug. Sami says that people say to never meet your heroes, but he’s glad he met his.

Foley continues his walk down the alley. Cesaro and Sheamus are here to give him a hug and a goodbye. Cesaro thanks Foley for giving them a chance when no one else would. Foley says people thought he was crazy. Foley only told the truth. Cesaro is a Superman and Sheamus is a Super Fella. Foley continues his trek towards unemployment. Some Cruiserweights give Foley a little nod.

And along comes Bayley, who gives foley a big hug.

Foley turns, and Triple H is standing all sleazily. He gets in the face of Foley…..pauses…..

“Have a Nice Day!”

Foley exits stage left.

Recap of last Monday, and we get some video of Seth continuing to rehab as early as last week.

Cole and Co are joined by Seth’s physical trainer. He says that Seth messed with his knee again, and the only thing that helped him was his brace. Seth’s rehab is going well, better than he anticipated, and Seth is completely driven. Cole asks if Seth will be at Mania. Wilk seems troubled, says Seth is doing well, but he never said he’d be ready for Mania. It may take several months before he will be ready to compete. “There is no doctor in America that will clear him.” Wilk says that if Seth does make it to Mania, their fear is that he’ll be back rehabbing the next day.

Match 2: Charlotte vs Dana Brooke
Dana with the go behind, and she takes Charlotte down. Dana beats her down then hits some shoulders in the corner. She hits right hands to the face and Charlotte blocks. Charlotte drops to a knee. Dana kicks her down then grabs the arm and drags Charlotte down. Again with an arm drag. She attacks with right hands. Dana with a whip, Charlotte holds onto the ropes then slides under to the outside. The ref holds Dana back. Charlotta takes her time getting back in the ring. She hops up on the apron. Dana rushes the ropes, but Charlotte hits the gut. Dana cuts her off and trips her down. Dana with a pin. 1….2..NO! Dana with a holds from behind, she’s going for a full nelson, but Charlotte won’t let her lock it. Dana trips Charlotte and shoves her face down forward. Whip and a clothesline. Cover for 1..2..NO! Charlotte with an elbow to the face. A chop to Dana. Another. A third. Dana ducks a Big Boot, leg takedown. Right hands. Sloppy pin for….nothing. Another pin for 1. Dana is punking Charlotte, talking shit to her face. Charlotte stands. Dana looks for a whip, but Charlotte gives her a knee then whips her into the corner.

Boot from Dana. Dana hits the ropes. Big Boot! Pin from Charlotte. 1…2….3!!

Winner: Charlotte
What was the point of this?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: 1/2*

Stephanie McMahon is backstage gloating, and she runs into Bayley. She offers Bayley a hug. Bayley says no, obvi. It makes her sad to say this because she admired Steph so much growing up, she thought she was a strong woman. But ever since Bayley was brought to the WWE by Foley, she has seen Steph use her powers to abuse other people. Steph says she doubts Bayley’s abilities, so she’ll have to earn it every single night – starting tonight. Last week, Nia earned a right to be part of the conversation when she beat Bayley’s ass, and if Nia beats Bayley, then she’ll be part of the match at Mania. Also, the match will be NO DQ. One more thing….Bayley should be careful because Nia does like to use her power to hurt people.

JERICHO!

Jericho wants to talk about the REAL Kevin Owens. Jericho says he doesn’t need Owens as a best friend, because he has a lot of friends. He has buddies and pals, The Friends of Jericho. Cheer him on, man. Owens considers himself a cold-blooded hitman, but that’s not the real Kevin Owens. Jericho will show you the real one. This is the real Kevin Owens.

We get a child picture of Kevin Owens in his room. There’s a photo of Jericho on the wall and Owens with his arms stretched out, wearing a Y2J shirt. Owens doesn’t look like a prized fighter to Jericho, he looks like a fan. The influence on Owens doesn’t end in 2000, it extends to 2014, when Owens is all grown up and is now in the biz. He gets signed to the WWE. He’s nervous, scared, and reaches out to his idol – Chris Jericho.

We get a twitter DM conversation. Owens is humble and asks for advice. He was worried about upsetting people, and offers Jericho a line dropping if necessary. Jericho does need something. He needs that night in the hospital that he stayed. The hours he spent picking glass out of his face, the countless bumps and bruises, and the real face of Owens at Mania. The face that we saw a few weeks ago at Fastlane.

We get a recap of Fastlane when Jericho came out just before Owen’s match and Owens was such wow.

Jericho calls this The Real Face of Kevin Owens. Jericho says they are not equals, he is not Owens friend, he is his hero. His idol. Jericho says in less than two weeks, when he is in the ring with Jericho, ready for the biggest match of his career, Jericho is going to transport Owens back to being that 16 year old nerd, and Owens will understand what he got himself into. When the music hits, Owens will realize that he’s facing Jericho! The best in the world, The GOAT. And if Owens thinks it hurt when Owens lost the title, just wait till Mania, you stupid idiot.

The music of Samoa Joe comes on, and Jericho stares the Samoan down, who appears at the top of the ramp. Owens attacks from behind! He hits the Pop Up, then eats the list and spits it out.

Match 3: TJ Perkins vs Brian Kendrick
Perkins with a big kick to Kendrick. He hits a weird crossbody, sending Kendrick over the top rope. He then hits the corner, looks to fly, then stops cuz Kendrick goes arouind the ring. TJ sees an opportunity and hits the wrecking ball drop kick to Kendrick on the outside. He sends Kendrick back in. Frog splash crossbody in the center of the ring. Pin for 1…2….NO! Kendrick is up. Perkins looks for the detonation kick, but Kendrick pulls the hair and shoves TJ into the ref.

TJ stops it, though, doesn’t hurt the ref, and turns into a Sliced Bread #2. Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winner: Brian Kendrick
If you don’t give us time to care, we won’t care…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Kendrick on the mic. He wonders where Tozawa is. Kendrick says Akira isn’t even in America. Turns out, to travel to the US, you need a passport. And it looks like Kendrick has Tozawa’s.

Last week, this happened:

Reigns is interviewed by CHAAAAALLLIIIEEEE

Reigns only ever imagines Undertaker on his back.

We get a Goldberg video package.

Backstage, Cesaro and Sheamus are chattin it up and Steph walks up to them saying they are getting along like Peas and Carrots. Cesaro funnily claims that Sheamus is the carrot. Of course, Steph doesn’t like these guys because they said by to Foley. They will be in a 2 on 4 match tonight.

….so we’re really doin this again?

Match 4: No Disqualification Match
Nia Jax vs Bayley
Nia tries to corner Bayley, but Bayley backs out. Nia shoves her and Bayley tries with the right hands. She hits some forerarms then mounts, but Nia pushes her again. Bayley tries to send Nia into the corner headfirst, but Nia stops it. Bayley hops up for a sleeper, but Nia hits a snapmare out of it. Charlotte is watching backstage. On the outside, Nia hits a headbutt to Bayley then sends her back into the ring. Somewhere else, Sasha Banks is watching the match as well. Bayley is on the apron, she flies for a hurricanrana, but Nia holds on. Bayley on the apron with her crotch in the face of Nia. Kicks from Bayley to the face, but Nia just drops her ass onto the apron. Bayley in the corner against the steps. Nia rushes forward, but Bayley moves.

WE’re back, and we missed Nia hittin the ol Snake eyes on Bayley. In the middle of the ring, Bayley is trying to fight her way out of an ass kicking. Nia hits her hard then then drops her shoulder onto the knee. Cover for 1…2..NO! Bayley up in the corner. Nia hits some shoulders. Headbutt to Bayley and a huge toss by the head. Nia just trucks Bayley down hard. Elbow drop. ANother. Cover for 1..2…NO! Nia with a submission from behind. Elbows fro Bayley. Slap to Nia, and Nia is pissed. She sends Bayley to the outside and follows. Nia lifts Bayley by the hair then sends Bayley into the barricade like a freakin bat! She goes from one side to the next! Nia sends Bayley into the ring then grabs a chair. Bayley kicks the chair away! Nia with headbutt! Nia enters. STUNNER FROM BAYLEY! Running Knee! Pin for 1..2…NO! Bayley hops back on with some right hands, beating Nia down. She hist the ropes, back elbow to the spine. Running clothesline. Pin for 1..2..NO! Bayley to the top rope! Crossbody! pin for 1..2….NO! Bayley is shovevd to the corner, gets a kick, hops to the top. Nia trips her up though and Bayley hits her head hard.

Samoan Drop to Bayley! Pin for 1…2……3!!!

Winner: NIa Jax
SO our champ loses again, and now we gotta deal with Nia?
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/2

After a commercial, Michael Cole is in the middle of the ring saying Seth vs HHH may not happen. He then brings out TRiple H.

Triple H says he is having a nice day, then sits down all smug-like. Cole asks for Triple H’s reaction regarding Seth.

Triple H says he is disappointed. He wanted this fight with Rollins badly. He’s in shape, he wanted to teach Seth a lesson, but unfortunately, Seth isn’t going to be able to make it. Triple H heard Cole say it was partially his fault, but he doesn’t see this as true at all. The only person responsible is Seth. He made the biggest mistake of his life by listening to the crowd and soaking in their cheers. H thinks it’s an insecurity thing. People like Seth need the justification. Triple H knows how good he is, though. We cheer and they get addicted. Foley is a prime example. How many times have WE ruined Foley’s life. Go no further than to just look at Foley.

FOLEY chant.

His walk, his injuries. We did that. No one else. Us. Seth is now addicted to this cheering. He comes last week and drops his crutch, because Rollins is going to kick Triple H’s ass, and that lasted a whole 30 seconds before Triple H beat his ass. How did that cheering work out for Seth? Let’s see the footage.

After the footage, Triple H blames this on us again.

Cole brings up the protege relationship with Seth and wonders if Triple H would have doner anything different.

Triple H thought Seth was the future the first time he saw him. Triple H gave Seth the blueprint. Just like all these little millenials runnin their mouths and cheerin, when it came right down to it and Seth got knocked down, he just whined and cried about it because it wasn’t his fault. What Triple H did wrong with Seth was that he made this all too easy for him. It’s almost laughable that the crutch beat Seth with an actual crutch. Now, for the second year in a row, Seth will not be at Mania. Triple H says he is officially done with Seth Rollins.

Wait, he doesn’t want us to think he is heartless. Triple H pulled some comp tickets for Mania.

Triple H was about to leave, but I guess he thought of something. He takes the tickets back. Triple H wonders if there’s a way Seth v Triple H could fight at Mania. Cole brings up that he’s not medically cleared. Triple H says there’s always a way. They want to fight each other. The crowd wants it.

Triple H says he will type up a Non-Sanctioned Match and bring a Hold Harmless Agreement next week and if Seth signs it, they’re on. If we want it – and that is what we want – our hero to come back – then he’ll give it to us.

Enzo and Cass head out after Sheamus and Cesaro and the Tag Team Champs. Cass tells Sheamus and Cesaro that they have homefield advantage, and to kiss their Mania match goodbye. He calls Anderson and Gallows The Cueball Connection, The Got No Hair Club for Men, and a few other somewhat clever names.

SAAAAAWWWWWWWWWFFFFFTTTT!!!!

Before Cass and Enzo can even enter the ring, Anderson and Gallows attack!!! Anderson heads into the ring and the match officially starts. WTF?

Match 5: Sheamus and Cesaro vs Gallows and Anderson and Enzo and Cass
Anderson and Cesaro to start. Cesaro grabs Anderson, tags in Sheamus. Sheamus hits the ring, BROGUE! Cover by Sheamus. Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Sheamus and Cesaro
The fuck was the point of that?!
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

After the match, Cass hits a Big Boot on Gallows, and Enzo hits the BadaBoom Shakalacka onto Anderson.

Backstage, New Day is standing by. Kofi and Big E are staring down Woods, seemingly disappointed, asking if there’s something Woods wants to talk about….Woods says Taker vs Reigns, and rolls his eyes back, re-enacting I’m sure. They share enthusiasm about over the card as a whole. Big E wants to see Goldberg. NEW DAY ROCKS!

Match 6: Austin Aries vs Tony Nese
Nese with the quick attack in the corner. HARD right hand to the face. He sends Aries in the corner and hits another right hand. Whip to the corner, and Austin hops over, hits the ropes, ducks under a clothesline, cartwheel, ear box! He gets in the corner, but Nese drops him face first. Nese with some kicks then a sweep of the legs. Cover for 1…NO! Nese with a chin lock, then a a forerarm across the face. Body slam into a leg drop and a forced pin, which is blocked. Hard left hand and Nese hits a kick. Another. Nese with a whip to the ropes. He misses a punch. Aries sends Tony over the top rope! Aries hits the ropes. Suicide Dive!

Nese with a torture rack when we return from a break. Nese with an elbow to the face. He turns the hold into a pin for 1..2..NO! Nese rushes into Aries then heads to the outside. Nese hops on the ropes, springboard moonsault, and Aries moves! Nese holds Aries up on the apron. Aries turns and hit a shoulder. NECKBREAKER to Nese! Aries rushes with a clothesline! Another. CHOP! Nese misses a right. Nese with a facebuster into an STO! Aries hits the ropes. Pendulum Elbow! Rolling Senton! Aries hits the top rope! Missile Dropkick!

Aries Running Forerarm to Nese into a “Discus Five Arm!!” Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Austin Aries
Man, I like that Tony guy…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Neville comes out just after the match. Aries doesn’t recall having an interview scheduled. Neville says that this is no interview, “lad.” Neville could come to the ring right now and obliterate Aries just like he has the rest of them. But why would he bother? Aries is beneath Neville. He is no threat. Neville sitting back and watching Aries ego spiral out of control will satisfying. Aries hears the words, but what he sees is something different. He sees a man who knows he has to step in the ring with another man who is not at his level, but above his level. Aries wants Neville to tell anyone who will listen that he is the King of the Cruiserweights, because after Mania, this whole facade that he has made up will be over.

Braun says he’ll destroy Roman tonight.

Match 7: Braun Strowman vs Roman Reigns
Reigns with a kick to start! He corners Braun and beats some ass in the corner. He goes for a whip ,but Braun is too strong. He sends Reigns to the outside. Hangman from Reigns. Kick to the big man and Braun is on the outside. Reigns sees an opportunity. He leaves the ring. DRIVE B—–NOPE!!! Braun with a huge clothesline to block it!! Nice!!! Braun waits for Reigns to turn. Spinebuster. Pin for 1..2..NO! Braun with a hard right from behind. Again. Reigns crawls towards the corner. Braun with shoulders in the corner. He then drives a knee into the gut and hits a back elbow. Braun whips Reigns in the corner hard. Braun with a blow from behind followed by a chinlock. Reigns turns into the hold after forever and a day. He hits a few rights. Braun sends Reigns into the ropes but Reigns stops himself. Braun goes for a Samoan Drop, but can’t do it. Braun hits the ropes. Clothesline! Braun with a kick to the ribs as the crowd chants for Taker. Bfraun with a splash in the corner. Whip by Braun followed by a shoulder, but Reigns moves and Braun hits the shoulder to the corner. Reigns with a kick to the face. Clotheslines in the corner for a 10 count. Braun goes for a chokeslam but Reigns lands on his feet! Reigns goes for the Samoan Drop again, Reigns lifts him. Samoan Drop!~ Pin or 1..2…NO! Driveby from Reigns! Braun sends Reigns into the steps. Braun grabs the steps and sends them over the top rope into the ring. He grabs Reigns and sends him into the ring by the vest. Braun has the steps up high. SUPERMAN PUNCH FROM REIGNS! The steps go flying outside of the ring. Reigns calls for another punch, but Braun just grabs the arm midair and lifts Reigns on his shoulder. Reigns drops. Boot to Strowman. Clothe—No! Braun pops Reigns up. SUPERMAN PUNCH!!! Reigns wants a spear!!!!

THE UNDERTAKER’S GONG!!!!!!

The lights go out.

Winner: No Contest
Braun is great. Roman…not so much.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

They’re back on, and The Undertaker is in the middle of the ring, staring right at Reigns!!! Taker turns towards Braun, back towards Reigns. Taker turns. CHOKESLAM TO BRAUN!!!!

SPEAR FROM REIGNS TO THE UNDERTAKER!!!

Reigns music hits, he walks up the ramp. The Undertaker sits up. Reigns turns and stares him down. The Undertaker sells for no one!

The Undertaker slices his throat.

End Show