411’s WWE RAW Report 7.25.16

Hello one and all! It is I, Tony Acero – Published Author and International Sex Symbol! Welcome to 411’s WWE RAW Report!

This is the first RAW since the draft, and we’ve got our own roster, our own logo, our own new stage, and ME!!! Considering the split, I feel we should take this report a bit more serious, with significantly less tomfoolery and sophomoric humor. So without further ado…..

Monkeys, where is my banner?!

Eh, good enough…

RAW starts with highlights (or lowlights) from the end of Battleground where Smackdown won the big belt, and The Usos forgot who their cousin was.

Raw’s got a new official opening highlighting the new roster. It’s a new song.

We are welcomed to RAW by Cole, Saxton, and Graves. The table is rampside ala WCW. Foley and Steph are in the ring.

Foley welcomes us to Monday Night RAW. Foley says that the first episode of the new era begins tonight. Well, duh, Foley…Foley wants to introduce all of us to the entire roster of Monday Night RAW.

The music hits, and out comes the RAW-only Superstars.

As General Manager of Monday Night RAW, Foley will be working hand in hand with every superstar on that stage to bring the best RAW each and every week. Steph says that he will have full authority to do just that. Steph wants to talk about last night’s event Battleground, claming Roman Reigns lost it for “all of us.” Now the WWE World Heavyweight Championship is on Smackdown Live. Rollins had it in the bag before Roman screwed it up for all of us. Steph says Reigns is just a loser. Steph says that the universe demands a Heavyweight Champion, and that’s what they’re going to get.

Foley says that tonight’s episode will feature two Fatal Four Way matches. The winners of these two matches will face each other in the main event of RAW. The winner of that main event will go on to face Seth Rollins at Summerslam for the BRAND NEW Championship Title. Because this title is named for all of us, Steph and Foley have decided to call it the WWE Universal Champonship.

Foley will announce the eight competitors now:

Sami Zayn, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Cesaro, Roman Reigns, Rusev, Kevin Owens, Finn Balor

Well….damn.

Finn steps front and center like the bad ass that he is, and looks at his competition.

Steph claims that of equal importance, the WWE Women’s Champion has remained on RAW. Steph asks Charlotte to step forward. Foley says that she was part of a tag team match last night, but she did lose the match via submission, which is why Charlotte will defend the title tonight….AGAINST SASHA BANKS!!!!

By the way, Big E doing each person’s taunt/crowd pleaser each time they are mentioned was great.

Balor’s entrance is massively tuned down, but not unlike his weekly entrances of NXT. No demon tonight, guys.

Match 1: Kevin Owens vs Cesaro vs Finn Balor vs Rusev
Rusev gets in the face of Finn immediately, holding his title up. Fin goes after Owens right as the bell rings. Owens fights back, as Cesaro uppercuts Rusev. Finn gets Owens in the corner with right hands. Cesaro rushes with an uppercut to Rusev, and Rusev heads to the outside. Cesaro hops off the apron with an axe handle. Owens with a side headlock in the middle of the ring. Cesaro is shoved into the apron. Shoudler tackle by Owens in the ring. He hits the ropes, hops over Balor, under, hits the ropes, and eats a dropkick! Owens rolls to the outside just as Cesaro drives Rusev into the barricade. Cesaro on the apron. He rushes forward, and flips forward into Rusev!

Back from a break, and the heels are bein all kinds of mean. Rusev and Owens look to beat down Finn, but Owens wants him for himself, so Rusev heads to Cesaro on the apron to give him a quick punch. Owens gloats in the center of the ring as Balor rises out of the corner. He attacks the midsection. Rusev hangs Cesaro up, dropping him to the outside. Rusev grabs Balor, and hits a suple. Owens turns and applauds Rusev. Owens with a suplex to Balor. Rusev hits a German to Balor then gets in Owen’s face. Owens grabs Balor, lifts him up for a German as well, but Balor elbows out of it. Owens with a hard clothesline to the back of the head. Owens covers for 1..2…NO! Cesaro is back on the apron and hits a shoulder into Rusev. He hits afew right hands. Owens with a right to Cesaro on the apron. Rusev sends Finn to the outside. Owens shouts for Rusev, and they suplex Cesaro into the ring over the ropes. Owens pulls Cesaro in the center of the ring, and hits a running senton. He tells Rusev to “do that flip.” Rusev with a flip onto Cesaro. Cesaro rolls to the outside. Owens hits the outside as well, sending Finn back in the ring. Finn with right elbows to Rusev, to Owens, to Rusev, to Owens. Balor hits the ropes, Owens catches him and swings into a slam for a pin. 1…2..NO! Rusev breaks it up Side suplex to Owens! Rusev goes for a headbutt off the top, but Owens rolls to the side. Rusev hits a right. Owens hits a right. Cesaro on the top rope. Crossbody to Rusev AND Owens! Rusev and Owens up in opposite corners. Cesaro wsith uppercuts! Finn is up in the corner too! Cesaro hesitates for a slight second, but hits Finn with one as well! Owens in the middle of the ring now, and Cesaro shots the legs for the swing. Rusev breaks it up, though. Whip to the ropes, and Cesaro hits a boot to the face. Cesaro with an arm drag to the outside. Cesaro follows.

In the ring, Owens kicks Finn in the gut and looks to powerbomb him. Finn counters, roll through, low dropkick by Finn! Owens rolls to the outside!! Finn hits the ropes! Balor with a flip over the top rope onto Cesaro, Owens, and Rusev!!! Cesaro is first to get up. He heads to the inside. Finn goes to the top rope. Rusev grabs the leg of Finn. Finn kicks Rusev down. High kick to the head of Cesaro. Both men in the middle of the ring. Low dropkick to the head of Cesaro. Finn locks the head from behind, looking for the Bloody Sunday, hits it. Pin for 1…2…NO!

Another break, and we’re back. Owens has Cesaro in a suplex position in the corner. Finn rushes up to do the same, but Rusev heads up underneath both men, and we get a double suplex/powerbomb spot ala Rusev! Rusev runs into a boot by Owens, but Cesaro hits Owens with an uppercut, Spin kick by Rusev. Balor with a pele kick! He locks the head of Rusev from behind, but Owens grabs Finn and locks the Torture Rack in. Neckbreaker. Pin for 1..2..NO! Cesaro breaks it up. Owens with a superkick to Cesaro! He heads to the top! FROG SPLASH! Pin for 1..2..NO! Rusev is there to break it up! Finn hits the ropes. Rusev is outside. POP-UP POWERBOMB!!! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Cesaro rushes in and stomps both men!!! Cesaro rolls Finn out of the ring. He grabs Owens and sets up for The Neutralizer! Cesaro with a back body but Cesaro lands on his feet. Hits the ropes. Springboard corkscrew fuck-you-I’m-Cesaro Uppercut!!! Cesaro calls for the swing, locks the legs, but Rusev is in with a superkick! Side kick to the head of Owens. Rusev calls for CRUSH!!! Stomp to the back. Rusev locks both arms. The Accolade is locked in! Cesaro is in!!! He locks the head of Rusev and DEAD FUCKING LIFTS HIM INTO A SUPLEX!!! Owens rolls to the outside. Cesaro covers. 1..2…NO! Cesaro hooks the legs. One leg over. Sharpshooter attempt, but Rusev picks the leg! ACCOLA—–NO!!! Cesaro turns it into a pin!!! 1..2….NO!!!! High kick from Rusev, but Cesaaro uses the ropes as momentum to hit a HUGE clothesline!!! Rusev and Cesaro are both standing now. Right hand from Rusev. Right from Cesaro. Right from Rusev. Cesaro just picks the legs. BIG SWING!!! A few rotations, and Cesaro locks in the Sharpshooter!!! Owens enters the ring. SUPERKICK TO CESARO!!! Owens is up. Rusev laid out in the corner. Cannonball from Owens! Owens stands, and we get a huge dropkick from Finn INTO RUSEV!

Swingblade to Owens! Dropkick to Rusev! Finn is at the top rope! COUP DE GRACE!!! Pin!!!! 1…….2……3!!!!!

Winner: Finn Balor
HUGE DEBUT in a GREAT MATCH!
Match Quality: ****
Personal Enjoyment: ****1/2
Total Rating: ****1/4

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Don’t forget my podcast 15 minutes after RAW every week, The Raw Reaction!

Just click here and give it a listen!

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New Day is going to celebrate their record breaking tag team champion reign and their new cereal.

Also tonight, Nia Jax will debut.

yay.

Cole and Graves talk about hating Smackdown because they have to now.

Nia Jax debut starts with a zoomed in shot of her eyes and face. Far too close for comfort. Graves calls he

Match 2: Nia Jax vs Britt Baker (sp?)
Nia with a lockup, and she slams down Baker hard. She tosses Baker into the corner, rushes forward with a splash. Toss to the ropes, misses a clothesline, but catches the girl and drives her into the corner. Tree of Woe. Nia with a back splash into the corner. She drags Baker into the center of the ring, then drops a leg on her neck. Cover for 1..2..NOPE. Nia ain’t done. She grabs the girl, hits a headbutt.

Another leg drop. Pin for 1..2….3!!!!

Winners: Nia Jax
Sup, Britt?
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, my future wife is stretching. Goldust and Truth walk backstage, and Sasha thinks they’re taking a photo, but they’re actually catching Pokemon. Up comes Todd. He asks if Sasha feels pressure. Sasha says she thrives on pressure. Charlotte has been trying to dodge her since she got here. Tonight, she finally gets to expose Charlotte. Tonight, when Sasha finally beats Charlotte, she makes a dream come true. The new era is about to have its first new champion, and she’s The Boss. She tells the universe to get ready, because the title is going to get some new swag, and tonight – it’s about to get lit.

Harry Broadhurst, what that means is that she will bring a whole new flair to the title, and tonight it will be so exciting and electrifying that the entire arena will be full of light – hence, lit.

Match 3: Chris Jericho vs Sheamus vs Roman Reigns vs Sami Zayn
All four men have their own spot amongst the post. Sheamus and Jericho go to attack Reigns. Sami watches by. Reigns fights out of the corner. Sami takes this time to hop into the fold, and we get all three men beating down Reigns. Sheamus and Jericho send Reigns to the outside then follow and send him into the barricade. Sami stands by in the ring. Sheamus sends Reigns into the barricade once again. Sheamus and Jericho high five each other. Apparently, they think that’s enough to take Reigns out. Jericho and Sheamus go to attack Sami. Sami goes after Jericho. Sheamus attacks. He clotheslines Sami down. Jericho with a kick to the face. Sami with cohps. Jericho hits one of his own. Sheamus attacks. They double team Sami in the corner. Sheamus with a whip to the ropes. Sami with a kick to the chest. Elbows to the face. Whip to the corner. Sami runs right into a boot! Jericho lifts Sami. Sheamus and he send Sami to the outside, but Sami lands on the apron. Shoulder attack to the mid section. He hits the ropes, ducks under Jericho. Hurricanrana to Sheamus. Sami ducks again, sends Jericho to the outside. Sami looks to fly! Sheamus and Jericho side step, and Sami stops the flight with a bounce off the ropes. Reigns enters the ring and attacks Sami fro mbehind. Slam for 1..2..NO!! Jericho and Sheamus on the apron, but Reigns knocks both of them off. He gives a suplex to Sami then covers for 1..2..NO! Sami up in the corner. Shoulder to the midsection. Headbutt to Sami. Reigns sends Sami into another corner. Reigns with an uppercut. He drops Sami all heel-like. Sami is up! Right hand! Another. One more! Knee to the chest from Reigns! Reigns with a right hand to the back of the head of Sami while he lays against the top rope. Springboard leap frog by Sami, then he grabs the ropes and Reigns tumbles to the outside. Sami hits the ropes, looks to fly, but Sheamus attacks the back and locks Sami up on the ropes. Beatdown to the chest! Jericho hits the ropes. DRopkick! Reigns is in the ring. He sends everyone to the outside! Reigns hits the ropes! He flies!!!! Reigns lands on Jericho, Sheamus, and Sami!

Back after a break, and Jericho is gettin all cocky. He and Sheamus are attacking Reigns in the corner. They take turns beating him down then whip him into the opposite corner. Sheamus sends the willing Jericho into Reigns, then hits a splash of his own. As Sheamus celebrates, Jericho attacks! Haha. He works the chest then stomps in the corner. Chop to the chest. Another. Whip is reversed, and sheamus hits a shoulder in the corner. Running knee to Jericho. Sami is back! He hits a crossbody off the top rope! Pin for 1..2..NO! Clothesline to Jericho by Sami! Clothesline to Sami by Sheamus! Reigns is up, ducks a right, and hits a clothesline of his own. Another. Whip to the ropes is reversed, but Reigns hits a flying clothesline. Jericho rushes him, and eats a Samoan Drop for his troubles. Jericho hangs over the apron, Sheamus is nearby. DRIVEBY from Romans, hitting both Jericho and Sheamus! Reigns rolls Sheamus back into the ring. He follows. I miss something and come back to Sami waiting for Reigns to stand up. Reigns crawls up. Helluva kick attempt, but Reigns counters and sets up for Razor’s Edge. Sami hops out, but Reigns turns it into a powerbomb!!! Pin for 1..2……NO!!!!! Reigns calls for the Superman Punch. SHEAMUS WITH A BROGUE KICK!! SAMI WITH A HELLUVA KICK TO SHEAMUS!!! Pin for 1…2….NO!!!! Jericho stops it! Jericho steals the pin! 1…2…..NO!! Sami back in to stop the pin! Sheamus rolls to the outside. Sami with right hands to Jericho. The crowd is firmly behind Sami. Kick to Jericho. He locks the hands. Chop to the chest, hops the ropes, goes for an arm drag, but Jericho reverses. WALLS OF JERICHO!!!! It’s locked in! Sami is near the ropes, but it wouldn’t matter if he got to them! Jericho drags Sami into the center of the ring. BROGUE KICK FROM SHEAMUS!!! Pin for 1…2…..SAMI IS THERE TO BREAK IT UP!!! Jericho rolls out of the ring this time. Sheamus is up first. He’s pissed. He grabs Sami and hits a few hard back elbows. Clothesline to Sami. Irish Curse! Sami holds onto the kid. Sets up for the rolling senton! Another fucking break in the feed, sorry.. Reigns goes for a Spear, but Jericho kicks! CODEBREAKER! Pin for 1…2…..NO!!! Reigns kicks out!!!

Jericho screams for Reigns to stay down, then screams for him to get up. Well then. Jericho runs, Reigns hops over Jericho. SPEAR off the ropes! Pin for 1……2….3!!!!

Winner: Roman Reigns
I knew the end wasn’t in question, and yet still….
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/2

We are back to RAW in time to celebrate with your….

DOUBLE-YOU
DOUBLE-YOU
EEEEE
WORLD
TAG
TEAM
CHAMPIONS

Woods says that although last night didn’t go how they wanted, they’ve still be running the show for 337. 337 days ago, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Garner were still married. 337 days ago, Booty-Os was just a dream, but now it’s an actual breakfast cereal baby!!! Pre-order them today at FYE. In an effort to highlight New Day in all its flory, we get a video package.

While that goes on, I watch a video of Joe Budden chasing fans.

Kofi makes some not-so-funny jokes about packages coming.

Woods says he wants to select one person to become an honorary member of The New Day! Big E heads to the outside. He walks around searching. Kofi and Woods do the same. They turn to a bald black man with a Booty-O shirt on. He hops over the apron with some help from his friend, and rolls into the ring. Big E asks for his name, “Sonny boy.” He says his name is, in fact, Sonny Boy. Kofi asks for the man’s government name. The man repeats himself, that he is Sonny Boy. Woods questions this. Big E does as well, and the man says his name is Sonny Boy. Kofi questions the man’s mother’s decision of naming him Sonny Boy. Woods asks when he goes out for a steak dinner, after said dinner, he writes what name?

…

Sonny Boy chant starts.

Kofi says that his first order of business is to celebrate with them because……NEW DAY ROCKS. They all dance. Sonny Boy gyrates like Big E. Kofi is near the ropes. Anderson shows up to pull Kofi out of the ring. Gallows is here, as well. Both men enter the ring and attack Big E. Magic Killer to Big E. Gallows and Anderson go back to the laid out Kofi and Woods. They rip the shirts off of Kofi and Woods, then send Woods directly into the steel steps.

Gallows and Anderson chat for a second, then turn their attention towards Sonny Boy, who is back in the audience. Gallows and Anderson talk shit to Sonny Boy, as the crowd chants his name. Gallows blows his nose into the shirt, and Sonny Boy boos them. haha. Gallows tosses the shirt in the face of Sonny Boy.

No Sonny Boys were harmed during this segment.

So Curtis Axel is in the ring, and he is announced as “MR. IRRELEVANT.”

Axel grabs the mic, says he is not irrelevant, and the truth is that they saved the best for last.

ok…..

Match 4: Neville vs Curtis Axel
Axel misses a kick, and Neville grabs a side headlock. Rope work and a hurricanrana from Neville sends Axel to the corner. NEville hops off the corner, lands on his feet, hits an arm drag, then a kick to the back of the neck. Pin for 1..NO! Side headlock on the ground by Neville. Axel turns into the hold and locks in a headlock of his own. Rope work and shoulder tackle. Axel hops over, then under, drops down, but Axel hits a standing shooting star press to the back of Axel! Neville works the arm, and Axel slams Neville down off of it. Axel hits a dropkick. Cover for 1…2..NO! Axel with a headlock on the mat. He goes full Anchorman-drinking-milk and screams to Neville. Neville turns into the hold, but Axel hits a knee then a side slam into the knee. Cover for 1..2..NO! Hard rights from Axel. Axel grabs the boot, but NEville kicks out of it. Spinning kick to the chest of Axel. Neville with go behind. He lifts up, GERMAN SUPLEX from Neville! Neville rushes the corner with a forearm.

High kick to the side of the head. Neville drops Axel with a back suple. Neville to the top rope. Red Arrow! Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winners:
Felt like 3 hours…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Shit, guys….Darren Young and Bob are in the back, but I get distracted…

Backstage, Tosh is backstage with Dana and Charlotte. Charlotte says tonight, Sasha is all alone. Charlotte says pressure is defending your title day in and day out. Some 10 year old little girl fantasy? hah! She has evolved this divison into what it is today, so Sasha can keep dreaming, because tonight she will bow down to the queen, and she can bank on that.

The following match is sponsored by Mountain Dew, aka Tony’s birth control for years.

Match 5: WWE Women’s Championship Match
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte
Lockup to start and it’s a rough one. Charlotte gets Sasha down for a second, but she regains composure. Charlotte pushes forward, and they lockup again. Sasha takes Charlotte down, getting the shoulders down for a split second. They keep the hold, both women down to the mat. They roll. Charlotte back up, using her legs for leverage. Hold is broken with Sasha in the corner. Surprise rollup by Sasha for 1. Charlotte shoots for the leg, but Sasha cinches the midsection, and turns into a backslide. Charlotte rolls out, arms still locked. Sasha spins, Charlotte whips. Back elbow by Sasha, and Dana grabs the leg. Sasha turns, and Charlotte gets a cheap shot. The ref warns Dana as Charlotte goes for a body slam. Sasha lands on her feet, though, and hits a Backstabber!!1 She rolls into a submission, but not The Bank Statement! Strait Jacket hold, Graves call it. Sasha pulls back hard, and Charlotte is stretched long. One boot in the back of Charlotte, from Sasha. Charlotte stands and backs Sasha into the corner. She flips Sasha forward. Charlotte goes for a hit, but Sasha with a bad ass takedown INTO BANK STATEMENT! NICE! Charlotte escapes, though! Sasha with a baseball slide to Charlotte on the outside! Sasha on the apron. She flies. KNEES TO THE MUFUCKIN FACE!!!!!! Sasha sends Charlotte back into the ring. Cover for 1..2….NO! Charlotte in the corner. Sasha goes forward, grabs a kick and swings Charlotte. Sasha goes for the stomp in the corner, but Charlotte escapes and sends Charlotte away. She sets up for a backslide, but hits a neckbreaker instead! Sasha kicks Charlotte away. Charlotte up, and she hits an elbow, sending Sasha down to the mat on the outside!

Charlotte heads to the outside and kicks Sasha right in the chest, forcing her into the barricade!!! Charlotte grabs the Women’s Title and yells to Sasha that she doesn’t deserve it, and that it’s hers! Sasha ain’t down. She kicks then drives Charlotte into the apron!!! Charlotte gets in the ring. Sasha grabs the title belt! She tosses it to Dana then FAKES A HIT!! SASHA DROPS! The ref sees it! THE REF ELIMINATES DANA BROOKE!!!! YES!!!! EDDIE!!! <3.

We are back, and Charlotte has both arms of Sasha pulled back behind her. We got a boot to the back to stretch the hold. Sasha escapes the hold with a little creativity. Drop toe hold to Charlotte. She ducks an elbow, but eats a back elbow. Charlotte sends Sasha into the ropes. Sasha bounces back off. Double knee stomp to the ground. Both women down. The ref starts the count, but both women are up. They go back and forth along with the crowd's boos and yays. Big boot is missed. Sasha ducks. Clothesline. Another. Dropkick. She catches a boot. Knee to the FACE! Sasha rushes the corner. Charlotte kicks. Sasha grabs the legs, sweeps, KNEES!! Pin for 1…2…NO! Charlotte hooks for a suplex, but Sasha lands on her feet. Goes for a neckbreaker, but Charlotte reverses and hits one of her own! Charlotte is all smiles, now. She heads to the top rope. Charlotte with a moonsault, but she lands on her feet! Charlotte goes for a front flip leg drop, but Sasha has the knees up!!! Charlotte dives to the outside. Sasha is in the ring. She's got a crazy look! She hits the ropes! SASHA DIVES THROUGH THE MIDDLE ROPES! SHE LANDS HARD!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!

Both girls are fine. Sasha sends Charlotte into the ring. Cover for 1..2…..NO!!!! Sasha is frustrated. Sasha goes to the top rope! Charlotte is up! She hits a right. Sasha is seated. Sasha fights, but Charlotte attacks the back. Sasha stands. Charlotte locks the leg. Charlotte goes for a Superplex, but Charlotte just DROPS Sasha rib first on the ropes!!!! Charlotte goes to the top rope! NO!!! Charlotte with a MOONSAULT OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE!!!!! Charlotte lands damned near on her feet, and misses a bulk of the hit, but still looked nuts. Charlotte sends Sasha back into the ring. Pin for 1..2…..NO!!! Charlotte is up. She grabs the leg of Sasha. Figure Four call, but Sasha with the surprise SMALL PACKAGE! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Sasha in the corner. Boot to the face of Charlotte! BIG BOOT FROM CHARLOTTE! NATURAL SELECTION! Pin for 1…2..NO!!!! Sasha grabs the ropes!!!! Charlotte grabs the legs of Sasha and drags her into the middle of the ring. FIGURE FOUR IS LOCKED IN! Sasha with slaps! Charlotte retorts! Sasha with more slaps!! Sasha rolls on her belly!!! Charlotte rolls to the outside with the hold still in!!! Sasha screams! The hold is broken. Sasha holds her leg.

I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF THESE TWO RIGHT NOW!!!

Charlotte rolls back into the ring. She goes for the Figure Four again, but Sasha with the BANK STATEMENT!!!! Charlotte rolls, but Sasha rolls through!!! The ref breaks the hold, as Charlotte's foot is under the ropes.

Sasha mad dogs Charlotte. Charlotte ain’t backing down. Charlotte: “You’ll never beat me, ever!” She rushes. BANK STATEMENT! CHARLOTTE TAPS!!!! CHARLOTTE TAPS!!!!!

SASHA IS THE NEW CHAMPION!!!!!

Winner: Sasha Banks!
FUCK YES!!!
Match Quality: *****
Personal Enjoyment: *************
Total Rating: MUCH STARS. SO WOW.

Charlotte is at the bottom of the ramp, trying really hard to hide how happy she is for Sasha.

In the ring, Byron Saxton has a mic. He congratulates Sasha. Says the New Era has its first champion. What does this moment mean?

YES CHANT!

YOU DESERVE IT! CHANT!

Sasha holds back tears, but I don’t.

She says, “I did it!” She says that this has been her dream since 10 years old. She told everyone she is the best, and now this proves it. It’s a new era, the era of The Boss, the era of Change, the era of Women’s WRESTLING. She promises that every single week, every time she steps in the ring….YES CHANT again. She promises that she’ll show everyone why she’s champion, and show everyone that there’s only one Boss in the WWE and that’s her.

If you still have a boner, we return to Braun Strowman having an orgasm. Braun has a slightly altered look.

In the ring, Saxton is with a jobber, asking him what he’s thinking. The jobber says he’s nervous, scared, but if he could somehow pull off the upset, then…..poor guy is hideous.

Match 6: Braun Strowman vs Some Dude
The ref backs Brauny Baby up. Bell rings, and Jobber goes for a right hand. Braun no-sells then hits a huge right to the chest. He lifts the jobber up, and tosses him across the ring. A kick sends him into the corner. Splash in the corner. Braun grabs the head of the jobber and sends him up, then right back down.

Cole calls it a reverse chokeslam. haha. Pin for 1…2….3!!

Winners: No one…

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

ENZO AND CASS are here! Yay! 😀

You can’t teach it, guys…you just can’t teach it.

Enzo says Monday Night just got a little bit more RAW, so to quote the late great ODB, “Oh Baby, I like it RAW!” haha. Oh Enzo.

Cass says there’s a few other things he likes RAW. Cookie Dough, Eggs, egg whites, brownie batter, fish, sushi—-

The list gets cut off by….two more jobbers.

Primo and Epico head out to invite us all to Puerto Rico.

Cass says there is only one word to describe them….

Match 7: The Shining Stars vs Enzo and Big Cass
Enzo and Epico to start. Huge crossbody after a tag to Primo. Right hand to Primo. Dropkick by Epico. Primo hits the ropes and slides over the neck to the outside. Primo scrapes the boot against Enzo’s face. Stomp to the forehead. Kick to the back of Enzo. Primo chokes Enzo up on the middle rope, then hits the ropes, goes for another slide, but ENzo moves. Tag to Cass. Huge shoulder tackle, knocks Epico down. Splash in the corner. Body slam in the middle of the ring. Empire Elbow. Cover for 1..2…No! Epico breaks it up. Enzo in with a kick. Epico sends Enzo to t he outside. Epico follows after a clothesline from Cass. Cass goes to attack Primo, but Primo holds the ropes down. Cass tumbles over.

R-Truth comes out of nowhere looking for a Pokemon. Primo is distraced. He turns into a Big Boot. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Enzo and Cass

Match Quality: 1/2*
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *3/4

Backstage, Roman is walking. Finn comes up and wishes him luck. Roman returns it. Finn says he’s Irish, he invented luck. Roman says he’s samoan. Nuff said. Or as Watry would say…no explanation needed.

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I wonder what Michael Reviewed this week….

Oh, a Donald Trump cutout! This couldn’t possibly go wrong at all…

Hey, look, a puppet! Hey look, buttcrack. Hey, look….oh shit…

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Brock Lesnar will return on RAW next week!

HERE is your Main Event!

MAIN EVENT
Winner Faces Seth Rollins at Summerslam for the WWE Universal Championship
Finn Balor vs Roman Reigns
Reigns with a right hand, another, he sends Balor flying across the ring with a toss. Balor backs up in the corner. Reigns with a stomp. Reigns with another toss across the ring. Reigns lifts Balor up in the corner. Whip to the corner. Reigns rushes, but Balor hops over the ropes and kicks Reigns in the head. Damn, he’s fast. Side headlock and a toss to the ropes. Shoulder tackle from Reigns. Reigns with a boot to the face of Balor. Reigns with a headbutt! He hits the ropes. Finn with a dropkick! Finn ducks a right, hits a few strikes, but gets trucked down with an elbow. Reigns sends Balor into the corner then hits a few hard clotheslines. He beats down Finn with roughly 45 clotheslines. Reigns with an uppercut to the chin. Finn tumbles down over the bottom rope. Reigns leaves the ring and goes for the Drive By, but Finn had it scouted! He moves and double stomps on Reigns! He heads to the outside. Running dropkick to Reigns into the barricade!

During the commercial, Balor attacked the leg of Reigns pretty badly. In real time, Reigns is standing tall but stumbling. He locks up behind Finn, lifts up and slams him down for a modified powerbomb. Cover for 1..2..NO! Cravat from behind. Finn is grounded for a second, but tries his hardest to stand. He gets up, turns into the hold, attacks the mid section, but Reigns with a crazy headbutt. He hits a hard right in the corner, being ever the aggressor. Hard whip to the corner. Finn kicks up. Reigns backs up. Forearm. Another by Finn. A third is thwarted, and Reigns rolls Finn up, then lifts for a powerbomb! Pin for 1..2…NO! Reigns is calling for the SUperman punch. He flies, but Balor ducks underneath then runs into a boot. Balor with a high kick as Reigns sits on the top turnbuckle. Baseball slide to the outside. Balor with a running knee off the apron! Finn sends Reigns back into the ring. Finn goes to the top rope. Reigns slowly gets up. STOMP BY BALOR!!! BALOR STEPS RIGHT ON THE BACK OF REIGNS HEAD!!! Pin for 1…2…NO! Finn locks the head from behind. Reigns fights out with rights, turns and escapes. Swingblade by Balor!!! Finn is up in the corner. He runs…..RIGHT INTO A SUPERMAN PUNCH!!! Reigns FALLS into the pin. 1….2……..NO!!!!! So close! Reigns locks Finn up behind him, looking for Razor’s Edge. Finn escapes, rolls up! Pin for 1…2…….NO!!! Shit!!! Reigns rolls through, pi-no, a powerbomb! Another! Pin for 1..2……NO!!!

Reigns is all smiles, impressed by the gall of Balor. Reigns in the corner. He waits for Finn. Boos from the crowd. Reigns rushes for the spear, but Balor with another slingblade!!! DROPKICK IN THE CORNER!! Finn on the top rope! Coup De Grace! Pin for 1…….2………3!!!!!!!!!

Winner: Finn Balor
WHAT IS EVEN TONIGHT?!?!?
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/2

Did Vince fall asleep at the beginning of RAW? Amazing!

Reigns leaves the ring as Balor celebrates at the top corner.

Topher comes up to Reigns immediately after the match, asking if he has anything else to say. Reigns says he hopes Balor wins at Summerslam, because he wants him again – he respects Finn.

End Show