411’s WWE Raw Report 8.14.06
Lillian Garcia announces Edge to kick off the show. JR and King welcome us to the show, and they say that Edge was involved in some Shenanigans with John Cena’s family.
EDGE: Ladies and Gentlemen…the champ is here! And the former champ, John Cena, not so much. There was a little incident earlier today, but first, a story. It is about a champion, me. You see, I have been stressed out, and I have to defend my title at Summerslam and can lose on a DQ. I have to go to Cena’s hometown to do it. And later tonight, I have to defend against Carlito. So I decided I needed some R&R, and went to West Newberry Mass, Cena’s hometown. We see the Cena home and Cena’s dad invited us in. We see John’s room, Edge makes fun of him and wiped his nose with a Larry Bird Jersey. We see John’s kid photos and all. More hilarity as they make fun of the Cena Wall of Fame. Cena’s Dad is there, and Edge says he is a big fan of his. They pause the video, and Edge says the real covo was that he told his dad he would beat Cena within an inch of his life at Summerslam, and no one can do anything about it. They roll the rest of the footage and it has Edge slapping the hell Daddy Cena. We see it again…DOWN GOES CENA! We see this repeatedly. That was good stuff he says. Because of that, John went home to make sure his daddy is ok. Edge says Cena won’t win Sunday. Chapter 1, WM 21 I won the opportunity to win the title. Chapter 2, NYR I cashed it in and beat John Cena. Chapter 3, Live Sex celebration and high ratings! Chapter 4, Cena steals the title from him! Chapter 5, I keep coming back and win my 2nd WWE Title. And now you are at home because I bitch slapped your daddy. Chapter 6 is the ending, a grand finale. Usually the good guy wins, but this is the real world and I have my black hat. It will be MY happy ending.
JR says the match with Carlito is non-title. We get some Diva thing tonight, Diva water fight. Hogan will be here to confront Wellness, I mean, Randy Orton. Mickie James will defend against Lita tonight as well.
Back from commercial.
WWE Women’s Title Match: Mickie James © vs. Lita
Lock up and a headlock by Lita. Off the ropes and a head scissors by Lita. Lita slams her to the corner, boots to Mickie now. Monkey flip countered and rights by Mickie. Kick by Mickie, rights, off the ropes and a reversal…dropkick by Mickie. Mickie to the 2nd rope…Lita tosses her off. Hair pull slam by Lita. Knee drop by Lita. Rights by Mickie, fires back and to her feet. Russian leg sweep by Lita, rights and a cover for 2. Surfboard by Lita. Mickie escapes and kicks Lita in the head. Flying forearm by Mickie. Another. Back elbow and forearm shots to Lita. Mickie to the 2nd rope…RANA on Lita! Clothesline gets 2 for Mickie. Eye rake by Lita, DDT blocked by Mickie. Cover and the ropes but Edge breaks it up. Lita covers, ropes and gets 2 as the ref sees it. Lita and the ref argue, roll up and a bridge by Mickie gets 2. Kick by Mickie…Primal Scream DDT countered. Lita has the title belt, nails Mickie as the ref is distracted by Edge and Lita wins.
Winner: and NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION Lita @ 4:55 via pin
Edge and Lita celebrate as we get a replay.
Back from commercial and Foley is here. He sends congrats to Lita for a great win tonight. It makes him feel better because he has been upset, with himself. He has been dealing from a position of strength but he gave into Flair’s demands for a match. He conceded and he is sick of his own actions. But, this Sunday at Summerslam, I will be part of the destruction of the legendary career of Ric Flair. In 10-years of WWE action, I have been busted open 4-times, and you said one of us may bleed to death. You are an easy bleeder, so get prepared to wallow in your own Blood. But that is 6-days away, and tomorrow I am going to ECW and I invite you. I will sit back tonight and watch Melina cheer Johnny Nitro on against you Ric Flair. I’ll see you tomorrow at ECW, you washed up piece of crap…YEAH!
Umaga w/Armando vs. Jobber
Clothesline. Elevated Samoan Drop. Running ass ram. Armando breaks a cigar. Samoan Spike. Squash.
Winner: Umaga @ 1:15 via pin
In the parking lot we see cars. What did you expect?
Back from commercial and here comes Nitro and Melina.
Non-Title Match: Johnny Nitro © w/Melina vs. Ric Flair
Lock up and to the corner they go. Rights by Nitro and then backs off. Chops by Ric now, off the ropes, Ric with chops again. Enziguri by Nitro. Picks up Ric, neckbreaker by Nitro. Cover for 2. Rights by Nitro and a rear headlock applied. Boots to Ric now, takes Ric down. Chops by Ric again. Off the ropes and a back elbow by Ric. Whip to the corner, elbow by Nitro. Slam by Nitro, up top now…corkscrew moonsault misses! Chop block by Ric. Figure four try but Foley is here!
Winner: Ric Flair @ 2:43 via DQ
Low blow by Melina and Foley and Flair to the floor. Flair rammed to the steps. Foley picks up the steps…but misses Flair as he rolls away. Rights by Foley now and lays Flair against the post…and leaves with Nitro and Melina.
Back from commercial with the Diva Segment.
The Miz is here with the chicks. He rambles on about the Diva Search and intros the chicks. Layla, Jen, JT Titty the MILF and Milena. Someone is going home, 3 go to the special Wednesday night. Milena is gone. Jen sucks, that is crap. They will take on some WWE Divas in a water fight.
Candace Michelle, Victoria and Torrie Wilson come to the ring. They have super soakers and water balloons as well as buckets of water. They have 1-minute. I bet the guys that have to wrestle next love this shit. Candace feels herself up. Steve Cook says this is useless to him because he already jerked off today. It ends. Miz says the RAW divas won. Joy. They continue to play in the water and get Miz wet while he shills the voting.
We get a Randy Orton video package.
JR and King say this is about more than their careers, but Hulk’s daughter. WWE 24/7 is on Comcast, that is no help to me.
DX walks. They come to the ring. HHH does his deal on the mic. I’m not ready, thanks for asking. I expect about 54 Vince loves Cock jokes. HBK on the mic, they have had a rough few weeks. He got to work on his prison ministry though, good for him. When he was in jail, he figured out that the McMahon’s forgot one thing about DX. Something always separated them, they have always done what they want, whenever they want. Like, they focus on Vince loving Cock. They even have the shirt. The second thing…
Shane McMahon makes his way out to the ring. JUST DANCE SHANE! Vince is here as well w/Security. Shane says they are right, they always do sophomoric pranks, and they are also losing due to the McMahon’s. We get a video of them taking out DX. Shane mocks them. Vince says Summerslam is a big party. After Summerslam they will party down. But for DX, their party is over. A you suck cock chant. Your party is over, no question. DX has made a name for themselves. But the name that will go down in time, and that name is McMahon. DX has no resources, only each other. The McMahon’s have unlimited resources. They can do whatever they want. At Summerslam, the McMahon’s will bring the wrath of Satan upon DX. There is no chance in hell…
HHH stops him before he can finish. He says Vince is stupid, because this is HBK, he is HHH…the showstoppa, the ICON, the cerebral assassin and King of Kings, their worst nightmare. They are DX. At Summerslam, they will kick their ass. They say they can bring anyone they want, they don’t care. SUCK IT.
In the parking lot we see cars…again.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene vs. Spirit Squad © (Kenny and Mikey)
Kill me now. Hacksaw punches both of them. HO. The numbers game helps SS and then beat him down. The Highlanders are here to even things up apparently. Mikey back in and tags Kenny. They work over Hacksaw. Tag to Mikey. Hacksaw no sells a corner shot, clothesline to Mikey. Tags to Eugene and Kenny. Eugene is a house of retard. Rock Bottom. Airplane spin. Mikey with kicks, double noggin knocker and both men are down. Kenny up top…Hacksaw tosses him to the floor onto the rest of the SS. Johnny and the Highlanders get involved, Scott Drop on Mikey and Hacksaw and Eugene win. I just died a little for watching that.
Winners: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene @ 3:21 via pin
Jeff Hardy returns next week.
Vince and Shane talk. Armando is here. He says they are having a party, and he says he respects them. He has a resource for them. UUUUUUUUUMAGA!
JR and King speculate on the obvious. They run down the Summerslam Card.
Trish and Carlito walk and talk. They kiss.
Non-Title Match: Edge © w/Lita vs. Carlito w/Trish
Carlito on the attack as the bell rings. Lefts to Edge, suplex and a cover for 2. Eye rake by Edge, rights to Carlito now. More rights and a corner whip, boot by Carlito and a clothesline to Edge and then chops. Shoulder thrusts in the corner by Carlito, and then a hard whip and Edge hits hard. Carlito lays the boots to Edge and then a high leg drop gets 2. Edge back with forearm shots and an elbow to Carlito. Off the ropes and after some reversals Carlito slams Edge to the corner. SWANK double springboard senton by Carlito gets 2 as Lita saves Edge. Commercial time @ 2:57.
Back @ 6:03 with Edge in control of the match. Elbow drops by Edge and posing, which gets him imaginary points. Gut buster by Edge gets 2. Rear bear hug by Edge. Carlito battles to his feet, but Edge takes him back down. Carlito battles up again, elbows out, off the ropes, Lita grabs a foot and Trish attacks her. Carlito with the boot, knee lift combo. Springboard reverse elbow to Edge gets 2. Lefts to Edge, RANA by Carlito gets 2! Edge-a-cution on Carlito gets 2. Edge sets for a spear…misses and the lung blower countered…SPEAR! Cena is here and they BRAWWLLLLLLL~~~~~~~!
Winner: Edge @ 9:22 via DQ
BAH GAWD IT’S A WILD SLOBBERKNOCKER OF A PEIR-6 BRAWL AS IT BREAKS LOOSE IN TULSA EVEN THOUGH IT ISN’T IN TULSA WITH SOME BBQ SAUCE ON IT~!
JR and King replay the events we just saw.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring, dressed for battle.
MAIN EVENT INTERVIEW TIME
ORTON: Well, I have waited all night and given Hulk Hogan plenty of time to come and face me like a man, where is he at? If one word can describe Hogan it is smart. H e knows best, he knows if he showed up in the ring, he would fall like every other legend that crossed my path.
**We get a legend killing video package**
ORTON: Now Hulk, I have a secret to share man. You are the inspiration for me to become a legend killer. I used to watch your tired act, yet they would chant for you. I didn’t get it. I told myself that I would be the man that killed Hulkamania. I would be the man that destroyed it for good, forever. Obviously, this Sunday, I have been looking forward to it for a long time. I ill the biggest legend there ever was. Hulk Hogan ask yourself if you want it all to end this way, one RKO…
**Real American Hits**
HAHAHA…Fake Hogan is here again! He poses.
FAKE HULK: Well you know Randy brother, you think you can kill Hulkamania, I am here to tell you that you are right. But it is because brother, I got a bad knee from my couch. I am tired and I am a Jr, Sr citizen. WHATCHA gonna do brother when I soil myself in the ring all over you brother.
**Real American hits again**
Hulkamania is limps to the ring.
They brawl and no sell by Hulk. Big boot and Orton flies to the floor. Hulk talks trash and fake Hulk confronts Hulk. HAHAHAHAHAHA they totally fuck up the boot spot! Slam by Hogan. Elbow drops by Hulk on Hulk. Rights to Hulk by Hulk. Orton looks angry. Hulk tosses Hulk to the floor.
HULK: Now Orton, you know brother, you can joke all you want in front of the maniacs brother. But when you insult me and my family in front of my family here, the maniacs, the joke is over. Come this Sunday, Hulkamania will be at Summerslam brother. I am glad that I inspired you, and that you are on your game. There is on legend you can’t kill, and that is mine. There is just one question brother, like I said, one question…WHATCHA GONNA DO…BROTHER…WHEN THE POWER OF THE MANIACS RUNS WILD ON YOU?
Hogan poses, I puke.