411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.09.04

Howdy, folks. I’m Scott Fried, previously known as 411’s Velocity recapper. If you’re familiar with my work, hi. If not, hi. From now on, I’ll be bringing you Smackdown as well. Now we’re spending two nights a week together, things are getting serious. Are you going to introduce me to your parents?

We start off with G.M. Teddy Long backstage. He says we need to find out who the better wrestler is: Eddie Guerrero or Kurt Angle. Since last week’s match was tainted, this week, we’ve got a Lumberjack Match. There’s no way any outside interference can affect that one, am I right?

We go to ringside. Our hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Smackdown opens up with JBL’s Big Obnoxious Limo™. Sure enough, the champ and Orlando Jordan emerge from it, and it’s time for a non-title match. This is JBL’s first on-screen bout since SummerSlam.

John Bradshaw Layfield versus Charlie Haas w/ Miss Jackie

Charlie gets a good pop, which is probably legit, considering he’s from Oklahoma, the site of tonight’s Smackdown. Lockup to start, and Bradshaw backs Haas into the corner. JBL extends a hand, but Haas slaps it away. Another lockup, and Bradshaw gets a headlock. Haas pushes him off and they criss-cross, then Haas takes ‘Shaw down and gets a headlock. JBL grabs an armlock, but Haas grabs a leglock and Bradshaw gets to the ropes. Check out the big boot on Bradshaw, as he connects with Haas’s face. JBL pounds away on Haas a bit, then gets a suplex for two. He follows up with a neckbreaker, but when they get back up, Haas takes control, eventually getting a Sunset Flip for two before Bradshaw lays out Haas with an elbow. JBL attacks Haas in the corner, but Haas goes for a whip. JBL reverses, sending Haas to the corner, then charges in for the Clothesline from Hell, but Haas gets a dropkick. Haas in on faaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr, getting the babyface offense and a springboard twisting crossbody for two, then the Exploder Suplex. JBL is in a bad way, but Jordan starts bothering Miss Jackie, which distracts Haas. JBL capitalizes with the Clothesline from Hell, scoring the win.

Winner: John Bradshaw Layfield
Match Time: 4:52
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Not a bad little brawl, but it could’ve been better if Haas has more control. Like that would happen.

Post match, Bradshaw has a stock tip for the audience: invest in JBL. He claims the economy is up since he became champ. Too bad the ratings aren’t. He takes a few potshots at Eddie Guerrero, then tries to get the fans to chant “J.B.L.” Blah blah blah, he beat The Undertaker, yada yada yada, no more title shots for him. Two weeks on Smackdown, Bradshaw tells us, he’ll give us a funeral for The Undertaker. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make it entertaining. Bradshaw tells us that Taker was the best wrestler in WWE history. Makes a lot of sense he’d say that, actually. Bradshaw brings out a hearse, but Teddy Long’s music hits. Teddy comes out and tells Bradshaw that he can do what he wants with the funeral, but Taker’s future title shots are up to Long. He then books JBL versus The Undertaker at No Mercy in a Last Ride match. The man who gets slammed through the top by Mike Awesome loses.

Carlito Caribbean Cool steals a guy’s cell-phone in the video from last week.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Billy Kidman and Paul London © versus Rene Dupree w/ Fifi and Kenzo Suzuki w/ Hiroko

Paul London starts things off with Rene Dupree, dodging a grapple and nailing kicks, punches, and a hurricanrana. London tags in Kidman, and the double team Dupree, then Suzuki for a bit. Kidman rolls up Dupree for two, but soon afterwards the challengers get a double-team Hotshot on Kidman. Suzuki tags in, and he beats on Kidman in the corner. Kenzo applies and arm-shoulder lock, which would be infinitely more appropriate if he did it to London, whose arm is taped up. Kidman gets a desperation bulldog, then tags London. However, the referee didn’t see it, and decides to yet at London for a while while the heels double team. London attacks Dupree, and the champs double dropkick Suzuki. London goes after Rene, and Kidman goes up top, but HE CAN’T DO THE SSP! I JUST CAN’T DO IT, I DON’T HAVE THE POWER! Kidman tags London, then walks over to the middle of the aisle to regroup. London has to deal with Suzuki, which he does, with a dropkick. Kidman makes like he’s going to come back, but he leaves, and we go to commercial. When we get back, Rene Dupree has London in an armlock. It’s the bad arm, though, so it’s excusable. Otherwise, I would question the logic of simply using a resthold against an injured opponent in a two-on-one match. London gets up and scores a sidekick for two when Suzuki runs in. London gets a jawjacker on Suzuki, but Dupree tosses him outside, where Suzuki gets him. He runs Kidman’s bad shoulder into the ringpost, then tosses him in the ring. Dupree lifts London to his feet, gives him the Michinoku Driver, and tags Suzuki. Suzuki hits the claw into the STO for the win and the titles.

Winners: Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki
Match Time: 10:06 (including commercial)
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Eh, I don’t care. At least London still has a storyline. Much like the first match, the good workers offset the bad ones, but not by much.

THE BIG SHOW is coming back in only TWO weeks. TWO weeks! THE BIG SHOW! HE’S BIG!

Backstage, medics are helping Paul London, but he sees Billy Kidman. London chews him out, shoves him, and asks him what he has to say, but Kidman literally says “nothing.”

Booker T is backstage, and he wants to leave early, but Teddy Long catches him. Booker wants to train for Match 4 with Cena next week, but Long tells him he’s got to Lumberjack tonight.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Spike Dudley w/ The Dudley Boyz versus Rey Mysterio

Spike starts out by choking Rey with his T-shirt. However, Rey fires back with kicks, and then gets a modified tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Spike. Shit, that move was in No Mercy, but I don’t remember what it was called. When I look back at the screen, D-Von is distracting the referee and Bubba is interfering. The Dudleyz all beat down Mysterio, but RVD and Hardcore Holly run in for the save. Charles Robinson makes this a six-man tag, and here we go. The Dudleyz head backstage, but the good guys intercept them and drag them back to ringside. RVD and D-Von start out as legal, with RVD getting two after a spin kick. D-Von sends RVD to the corner, but RVD gets a back elbow and a crossbody for two. D-Von turns the tide with a throat punch, then scores his corner neckbreaker. D-Von tags Bubba, who gives RVD a neckbreaker. Bubba tags Spike, who gets the top-rope stomp on RVD, and while the ref yells at the faces, we get a triple team. Spike rolls up RVD for two, then tags D-Von back in. D-Von gets a snapmare and an elbow drop for two, then applies a Camel Clutch. RVD gets up and scores a jawbreaker, but D-Von gets a back elbow for two. Tag to Spike, who fires off a few forearms before Bubba guillotines him across the top rope. RVD gets back up and gets a nice flapjack/dropkick combo before hot tagging Hardcore Holly, who beats up a lot of Dudleys. Mysterio gets a blind tag and rolls up Spike for two, but Bubba and D-Von make their presence felt. They clear Holly and Mysterio out of the ring, but RVD cleans them out of the ring. Karma. RVD gets a somersault plancha on D-Von while Spike attempts a Dudley Dogg on Holly. Holly stops him and gets the Alabama Slam, then Rey Drops the Dime for the win.

Winners: Rey Mysterio, Rob Van Dam, and Rey Mysterio
Match Time: The whole thing was about 8 minutes. I didn’t get to my stopwatch in time, unfortunately.
Rating: **1/4
Commentary: Shitty, but got entertaining near the end.

Josh Mathews (m’boy!) is standing backstage with Kurt Angle, who claims there was no controversy in last week’s match. He complains about the situation being unfair, then leaves.

Cena’s music hits, and here he comes. He raps about how he’s losing the series, but he’ll beat Booker next week. Cena makes reference to Stevie Ray, which the audience doesn’t seem to appreciate, but I do. After that, it’s just gay jokes. When they’re beneath ME, you know they’re really unfunny and immature.

Cole and Tazz pimp Tough Enough, the deadline of which has been extended to September 22nd.

Last week on Smackdown, Angle beat Eddie under shady circumstances. Stop living in the past, it’s all about tonight!

Carlito Caribbean Cool is back. He’s on the beach, and he likes checking out chicks. However, he hates kids at the beach, and he hates having kids of WWE fans near him. He warns the fans not to bring their kids near him, and he kicks the shit out of a girl’s sand castle.

Heyman is backstage, loving the Cool vignette. Teddy Long comes up to him, and Heyman assumes he wants Heidenreiden, who has the night off, but Long books Heyman in a match with a TV announcer. Heyman assumes it’s Tazz, but Long says it isn’t. Heyman then assumes it’s Cole, who he trash talks until Cole responds from ringside with a threat of his own. Long tells Heyman he’s not supposed to wrestle Cole, but Heyman won’t listen. Tazz hypes Cole up as Heyman heads out, but Funaki’s music hits. Funaki charges out and beats the shit out of Heyman until Heidenreiden runs in and kicks him. Hypey scores a backbreaker, then Heyman covers him and makes his own three count. Heidenreiden applies a Cobra Clutch to Funaki while Heyman turns his focus to Cole. Heyman smacks Cole in the face, but runs when Cole goes after him. Heidenreich goes for Cole, though, which sends Cole running through the crowd. Afterwards, Heidenreich’s music hits, and it’s one of the most disturbing theme songs I’ve ever heard.

Smackdown Throwback: The Rock makes Vince McMahon join the “Kiss My Ass” Club, courtesy of Rikishi.

Raw Rebound. If you wanna know about it, read the Raw report!

When we get back to ringside, Cole is sheepishly getting back to his seat. Tazz tries to comfort him, but it’s time for the Lumberjack match! Booker T, all three Dudleyz, Rene Dupree, Kenzo Suzuki, Luther Reigns, The Basham Brothers, Rob Van Dam, Charlie Haas, Rey Mysterio, Hardcore Holly, John Cena, and we go to commercial. Damn, still six left.

Well, the other six are just there, whoever they are, and it’s match time!

Lumberjack Match: Kurt Angle versus Eddie Guerrero

Big pop for Eddie. You can see the crowd jump up, and they can’t pipe that it. Unless, they just show old tape of an Austin entry from ’98. But trust me, they didn’t. I think. Eddie’s Low Rider is yellow this week. It’s very nice, I’ll go ****1/2 on the car. They circle each other a bit, then lock up to start. Kurt backs Eddie into the corner, and already, Luther grabs Eddie’s angle. Angle charges, but Eddie dodges and beats on Angle in the corner. Eddie gets a dropkick and knocks Kurt out of the ring. The Dudleyz hold everyone else back because ALL HEELS LOVE EACH OTHER. They help Angle back in the ring so Eddie can beat on him some more. However, Angle turns the tide with a back body drop, then puts Eddie in the corner and punches him. Angle continues to work Eddie over with punches, but Eddie tries for the same. Things remain even until Eddie backdrops Angle over the ropes, but the heels help him back in. Eddie dodges a grapple attempt and scores a kick and a punch, then gets the boot up after an Angle whip. Eddie dropkicks Angle out of the ring into FACE COUNTRY. Angle tries to head to the back, but about eight guys grab him and toss him back in. Eddie applies a half crab, but Angle gets to the rope. Eddie slams Angle into the corner, but Angle rebounds by throwing Eddie on the ropes. Eddie falls out into heel territory. It looks like the heels want to play nice, but Eddie hits Luther, and then gets outnumbered, they toss Eddie back into the ring and Kurt covers him for two. Commercial break time. When we get back, Angle is driving his shoulder into Eddie’s gut in the corner. The cover follows, but Eddie kicks out. Angle gets a backbreaker, then gets another two. Angle whips Eddie, then catches him with an abdominal stretch, using the ropes for good measure until RVD breaks Angle’s grasp on them. Eddie gets out and armdrags Angle, then pounds away on him until Angle gets a punch, then a knee to Eddie’s gut. Angle snaps on a modified chinlock (modified to look good, actually), then turns it into a regular chinlock as Eddie starts to get up. Angle tries to squeeze the life out of Eddie, but Eddie gets all his energy and throws Angle over his head. Eddie charges Angle, but gets backdropped into face territory. The heels scream for fair play, and the faces place Eddie back in the ring. Angle grabs Eddie and suplexes him for two, then tries to throw him over the ropes again, but Eddie blocks. He’s EDDIE-ING UP! Eddie punches Angle and dances, then goes for the three suplexes, but Angle grabs the Anklelock after the first. Eddie rolls out and catches Kurt with a dropkick for two. When they both get up, Angle whips Eddie, but Eddie comes back with a headscissor takedown, then gets the Three Amigos. Eddie climbs up top, but Luther Reigns trips him up while the ref checks on Angle. Eddie’s hung up on the top turnbuckle, so Angle superplexes him off. That was a top-turnbuckle superplex, baby. Angle covers, but Eddie kicks out. Angle takes down the straps and stalks Eddie, then goes for an Angle Slam, but Angle reverses into a rollup for two. Eddie goes for the Anklelock on Kurt, but Luther Reigns runs in and knocks him off. The lumberjacks crash the party, but then THE BIG SHOW’s music hits. He comes down to ringside and beats up faces and heels- almost everybody, really. Even Eddie gets Chokeslammed. Angle is in the Show’s crosshairs, and he tries to beg off, but he gets Chokeslammed, too. Luther attacks Show, but gets Chokeslammed, also. If the world had one throat, The Big Show would Chokeslam it.

Winner: None
Match Time: From the opening bell to the end of the show, 19:33. Match never really “ended.”
Rating: ****
Commentary: Very solid, could’ve been the first fifteen minutes of a five star match. Eddie and Angle were both brilliant. They knew when to be slow, when to build up speed, this was a perfect example of what happens when two of the best wrestle each other, even if they only get a bit of time.

That’s it for this week, folks. Hope you enjoyed! Send me feedback!