411’s WWE Velocity Report 08.09.03
Hi, Mike here. Well, Pat was foolish enough to ask me to fill in for him, especially during Wizard World. But here I am. I’ve watched wrestling a long time, a little longer than Pat, but I don’t watch Velocity. Not because it’s on Saturday nights but because it’s on opposite one of my favorite shows, Iron Chef, and tonight is no exception. New episodes for both too!
Slamball ends and we start off with the APA. Bradshaw’s is mocking Shaniqua by saying she’s really Shelton Benjamin. There’s a dig on Dusty Rhode’s boobs here too. The FBI interrupts and says “You’ve got to worry about the full-blooded ass-whuppin’ you’re about to get!” Roll the title sequence!
As always our hosts are Earnest “the Cat” Miller doing color and Tough Enough Josh.
MATCH #1: Acronym vs. Acronym (FBI vs. APA)
Referee: It’s a Hebner!
Stamboli and Farooq start. Both lock up. Stamboli turns it into a side headlock, then a go behind and pushes Farooq to the ropes. He walks into an elbow and Farooq climbs up, hits a shoulder tackle and quick 2. Chuck distracts Farooq and Stamboli strikes from behind! Tag to Palumbo who gets caught in a drop toe hold. Tag to Bradshaw and he starts with some quick blows to the gut, ducks a clothesline, and hits with a big shoulder block. Suplex by Bradshaw and a quick 2. Bradshaw’s pounding on Palumbo in the corner, slings Chuck to the other corner but Chuck lands a good right and knocks Bradshaw down. Tag to Stamboli. Bradshaw ducks a right, lands a big suplex, and drops the elbow. He hits the Last Call and gets a 2 count before Palumbo is in to break the count. Tag to Farooq who gets The Bull in the corner and starts the punch count: 1 – 2 – 3 – Nunzio gets a cheap shot in and Farooq ends up in the F.B.I.’s corner and some quick tags by Palumbo and Stamboli have Mrs. Simmons’ baby boy in a bad way.
The Bull gets a quick 2 before Farooq gets his foot on the ropes. Nunzio knocks it off but too late. Quick tag to Palumbo and Chuck hits him low while The Bull hits him high! 1 – 2 – and a kick out. Rear chin lock by Palumbo. Bradshaw tries to get in and the ref doesn’t see FBI make an illegal switch. Stamboli keeps up with the same hold though so I’m not sure if it makes that much difference. Farooq works his way up and elbows his way out. Stamboli knocks him down, climbs to the 2nd rope and leaps into a power slam! Farooq makes the hot tag and Bradshaw attacks Stamboli, then Palumbo, and back to Stamboli again. APA double shoulder block on Chuck and a double team neck breaker on Stamboli. Cover but Palumbo breaks up the count. Shaniqua and the Bashams are at the top of the stage. Nunzio holds Farooq for Palumbo but he ducks and Chuck hits Nunzio instead. Bradshaw knocks Chuck out of the ring but Stamboli sets him up for a German but the APA turns it into a spike powerbomb and gets the 3 count. Shaniqua and the Bashams are still just standing there staring.
Next up: a recap of Cena vs. Taker from Smack Down.
Click! Iron chef.
So Kaga introduces Kazutaka Okabe. He and the rest of Club Mistral make their way to the stage. They think the verdict from battle caviar against Iaso Yanigidate was wrong and they’re here to make up for it. Of course, Okabe chooses to battle Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai.
Kaga reveals the theme ingredient: LAMB!
Bang a gong and we are on!
The two chefs rush to gather various leg, rib and other lamb pieces as Fukui-san banters with this week’s guest, actress Mayuka Takata. Okabe starts by cutting up some lamb chops and frying them. Sakai begins by heating up some chutney and adding fresh papaya. Sakai had a breadcrumb parsley mixture going in the processor and is stuffing garlic into lamb pieces and tying it into rolls. Okabe is making some sort of shish kebab when Ota reports that Okabe’ll shave his head if he loses. Sakai is frying some lamb as we go to break.
Click! Hmmm, commercials for both but Velocity gets back first.
MATCH #2: Shannon Moore vs. Ultimo Dragon
The two lock up and snap-takedown by Moore who does some mocking, asian bows. They lock up again and Dragon gets Moore in a side headlock. Push to the ropes, shoulder block, jump, leapfrog then Dragon dives over Moore who kippups into a legsweep by the Dragon. Cover and kickout by Shannon. Toss to the ropes and a step over toe hold by Dragon who puts Moore in some crazy-ass submission maneuver. Josh describes it as variant of a camel clutch but it seems to be more of an upsidedown surfboard to me. Dragon swings back and forth and even stands up with Moore in the hold! Then he lets it go, drops an elbow to the lower back and gets a 2 count before Moore kicks out. Shannon drop toe holds Ultimo into the ropes and works him over. Suplex by Moore, cover and a 2 count. He starts working the back of Dragon. Ultimo powers out only to have his head slammed to the mat! 2 power slams by Moore is still only yields a 2 count so he applies a rear chin lock to the Dragon. He tries to power out and Moore chops him a few times, tosses him into the corner where he hits a flying cross body on Moore! The two trade kicks and Shannon slams Ultimo into a corner. He backs off and rushes only to run into one of Ultimo’s feet. A series of Tajiri fast kicks and a cover by Ultimo for a 2 count. Attempted clothesline by Ultimo into a backslide by Moore into a Hurricanrana by Dragon only to have it countered by Moore for a 1 – 2 – only a 2 count. Shannon Moore gets tossed head first into the buckle and chops by dragon. He climbs up and wants to do the jawbreaker but Moore pushes him of and gets him in a neckbreaker. Cover for 2. Tantrum by Moore. Shannon attempts a suplex but it’s countered and after a few reversals Ultimo gets him in a neckbreaker and the 3 count.
Click! Iron chef.
Looks like Okabe is making some sorta Pizza and setting up wood chips to smoke lamb. Sakai has taken his lamb roll, added some pastry to the outside and has sprinkled his bread crumb mixture on top. He’s also broken out the foi gras. On the challenger’s side it is pizza and he’s adding caviar to some lamb that has already been smoked. Sakai is putting a fruit sauce over some chops when they call 15 minutes to go.
Click! Wrestlemania Recap of Angle vs. Lesnar. Foreshadowing anyone?
MATCH #3: Andy Anderson vs Orlando Jordan.
We cut to earlier in the day where some wrestling groupies (is that a murder of wrestling groupies?) are after OJ to get his autograph on shirts and various body parts. I guess he’s H-O-T hot.
Referee: No idea. At least I know it’s not Joey Morella.
Lock up, arm bar, reversal into an arm bar, reversal into yep, an arm bar which ends up as some sorta judo flip by OJ. More armbars into a takedown with an armbar by OJ. Andy powers out with the help of an elbow to the face of Jordan and then they start the shoulderblock-leapfrog routine which ends with OJ punching Andy in the face and back to more armbars with an armdrag takedown into an armbar. In the next minute there’s some action but also some more armbars. Eventually Andy gets OJ in a headlock. And much more eventually Jordan powers out with closed fist punches and follows with a series of dropkicks, then a flying forearm to get the 1-2-3 win!
Up next: a recap of McMahon Vs Lesnar from Thursday.
Okabe has some sorta soup. From the way Hatori-san and Fukui-san are talking we’re pretty close to the end. Sakai is making a truffle sauce and has added broccoli to what they deem a “chinese” flavored dish. They also note his cute eggplant/fig spirally sculpture things. Okabe has put some sort of gelatin on top of his lamb/caviar creation. One minute to go! Okabe is seen spooning couscous into bowls, then both rush to add finishing touches to their dishes as the final seconds count down.
Ota starts his interviews with the challenger and Okabe states “My dishes are perfect. I’ll win.” Sakai doesn’t sound as confident but says he was under no stress.
Challenger Okabe has 5 dishes.
- Smoked Lamb in Consume Jelly
- Lamb Brochette
- Lamb Pizza
- Roast Lamb Mustard Flavor
- Lamb and Vegetable Stew.
The Iron Chef has 4 dishes.
- Lamb, Scallions, and Asparagus on a stick
- Sautй of Lamb
- Grilled Lamb
- Lamb en Brioche with Eggplant/Fig combo.
Click! Still recapping the McMahon vs. Lesnar Cage Match.
So the Tasting portion of the show.
Our Panel of Judges today is :
The challenger gets stunning reviews. They like his work a lot! Sakai gets good compliments but not seemingly as good as Okabe. For his last dish, Kiishi states “The previous dishes were overcooked but this is perfect.” It doesn’t look good for the Iron Chef.
Boot of the Week: After taking a 619, Haas puts Rey into the Haas of Pain and gets the win!
MATCH #4: Funaki & Spanky vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Referee: They all look alike to me
Funaki and Benjamin start. Attempted takedown by Shelton ends up as a sweep and a quick cover by Funaki with an equally quick kickout. Rollup, 2 count. Rollup reversal, 2 count. Knee to the midsection of Funaki and Benjamin tosses him to the ropes. Spanky makes a blind tag while Funaki hits a mexican head scissors. Spanky holds Shelton while Funaki gets Haas to come in distracting the ref which allows Funaki to do the short drop kick to the face. Quick cover for a 2 count into a side headlock by Spanky. Benjamin escapes and lands a shoulder block which should start the leapfrog routine but when Spanky leaps there’s no frog. Shelton’s ready for him. But Spanky gets off a drop kick against Shelton and then Haas. Shelton’s in the corner and Spanky sorta runs up him but Haas gets Spanky with a clothesline while the ref’s back is turned.
Final Judgment is: Challenger Kazutaka Okabe!
CHALLENGER WINS! Challenger Kazutaka Okabe defeats Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai in battle Lamb! What an upset! Wow. The Iron Chefs almost never lose. Even with the way the judging seemed to be going, this is still amazing.
Wow. Uh, Spanky’s across the ropes with Shelton holding his ankles and Haas does the leapfrog onto Spanky. Apparently Haas is legal cuz he puts Spanky into a backbreaker and goes for the (2 count) cover. Haas has Spanky in a reverse chin lock with his knee in Spanky’s back. Spanky powers out but gets hit by a shoulder block that sorta throws him towards his corner but Haas recovers in time to knock Funaki off the apron so no tag for the little guy. Haas drags Spanky to the TWGTT corner makes the tag and stands on Spanky’s hair so Shelton can stomp him one good in the stomach. Shelton toys with him but almost screws up and allows Spanky to baseball slide through his legs to safety but he catches his hair at the last second! Spanky ends up doing a backflip into a dropkick and yes! makes the hot tag! Bulldog to Benjamin, elbow to Haas, backdrop to Benjamin, ducks a clothesline by Haas and hits Haas with an insiguri! Benjamin tries a powerbomb but Funaki counters for a 2 count. Funaki hits a reverse ddt but Haas is there to break the count. Spanky’s back in it with a forearm to Haas and tosses him out of the ring but Haas is ready for the planche and that’s it for the little guy. Funaki tries a tornado ddt on Benjamin but it’s caught by Haas who holds Funaki for the The World’s Greatest Kick and the 1 – 2 – 3 win!
WINNER: TWGTT and Challenger Okabe!
-360 VELOCITY & -720 JAKKED
Last year this week…
Chavo Guerrero won over Tajiri after a green mist DQ
Rico beat Funaki
Bull Buchanan beat Mike Awesome
Hardcore Holly beat Albert
Two years ago this week…
Albert beat Mike Awesome. Albert was then teamed with X-Pac in X-Factor.
Jerry Lynn beat Justin Credible. NWA:TNA anyone?
Crash Holly beat Essa Rios
Last year at this time Pat was listening to:
TAD MOROSE Matters of the Dark
This year Mike’s hearing:
The Tossers Purgatory – very Pogues or Flogging Mollyish.
Rondellus Sabbatum – Ozzy never planned this!
THE BOOB TUBE – for Stephanie.
My favorite TV show has somehow become Kim Possible. It’s kind of a very disneyized Buffy:tVS with mostly spies instead of monsters. Check it out.
SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy b-day to Kevin Healy who celebrates this Friday. Celebration will somehow include a viewing of the new Freddy vs. Jason film. Come one, come all! Also happy b-day to Emily Morgan who may be somewhere out in sunny California and celebrates the week after that.
After this fiasco, who knows if they’ll even let Pat back!