5 Things I Want From Total Nonstop Deletion

– Welcome back to column time with Larry. I am here to write about something very special, very important and completely delightful. It may even be extraordinaire. It has been revealed that a special edition of Impact Wrestling, titled Total Nonstop Deletion, will indeed take place form the Hardy compound in Cameron, North Carolina. This is glorious news, and today I want to discuss the five things that I want out of this episode….

THIS ARTICLE COULD BE SPOILER FILLED SO YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

5. We Need More Shenanigans From The Lake of Reincarnation: One of the better running gags in the “broken” series from the Hardys has been The Lake of Reincarnation. Whether healing Brother Nero, bringing back former “Jeff Hardy” personas or even the appearance of Joseph Park, Esquire; the Lake of Reincarnation has been a fun addition to things, and with more of the roster being in attendance for this monumental event, there is a huge opportunity for fun to be had. Have Al Snow turn into Shinobi or Avatar, Shane Helms to his non-WWE version (for legal reasons) of the Hurricane, dunk Aron Rex in there and find his charisma; hell even have Matt fall in this time and briefly turn him back to unbroken Matt Hardy (which could be a hell of a way to cause him to lose the titles actually). Just have fun with it and make sure to use it, it has worked so far and there is no reason not to use it here.

4. We Need a Fair Share of Senor Benjamin & Vanguard1: The universe that the Hardys have created has been a ton of fun to watch, but a big part of that success is not about them. Sure, Matt & Nero are the main stars, but what has made the broken universe work is the fact that they have made Reby, Maxel, Senor Benjamin and Vanguard1 stars. I mean, with all due respect to the rest of the TNA roster, Senor Benjamin and Vanguard1 are more over than 90% of them; Senor Benjamin is making towns and is selling shirts! In any other context they make no sense, I would never care about them, but in the “broken universe” they are vital parts of the machine. I loved the GREAT WAR, but one thing that I felt was missing was Senor Benjamin. I kept waiting for his appearance, and it never happened and I was disappointed. He and Vanguard1 need to be all over this thing in small, but fun roles. Make Senor Benjamin a referee, give Vanguard1 a big ass Bob Barker stick microphone and have him do pre-and post match interviews I don’t care, make them a part of the show.

3. We Need Some Fun Cameos & People Out of Place to Appear: One of the things I love about movie and TV is the cameo. That appearance that you don’t expect and are even a bit shocked by, and while you may love the movie/TV show, you talk about the cameo more than the whole product you just invested all of that time in. I want that here, and I want it bad. With “Tag Team Apocalypto” being a major part of this, I want to see some cool and wacky cameos. I want the Rock and Roll Express (they still take bookings); I want Haku and the Barbarian to walk through the fog like horror movie villains and brawl with the Hardys. I want the Hot Shots (hell I’ll take the Naturals), Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger… and most importantly I WANT CHUCK TAYLOR AND THE FUCKING SWAMP MONSTER! My lord we need to have fun with this and make it everything it can be, they can cut costs on everything else but for the love of the seven deities I NEED Chuck Taylor and the Swamp Monster in the “Tag Team Apocalypto.” On top of that, the “fish out of water” thing always appeals to me, and I think that they can weave that in here. What I mean is that I want people like Mike and Maria to appear in the Broken Universe, totally freaked out and not knowing what to do. I want to see Raquel running from people throughout the entire show like a teenager about to die in Friday the 13th as a running gag. I want a one off shot of Lashley walking around, with someone trying to mess with him and then him ripping off their arm, literally. The little things could be even better than the major ticket items if done properly.

#BrotherNero fulfilled the Odyssey I set him upon & has repaid his debt to me. #HouseHardy ruled #TheGreatWar Battlefield last night. pic.twitter.com/h1ewAerw7L

— #BROKEN Matt Hardy (@MATTHARDYBRAND) October 3, 2016

2. The Tag Team Apocalypto Has To Be A Show Long Angle: The “Tag Team Apocalypto” will be a tag team title match, where the Broken Hardy Brothers will defend their titles against tag teams from around “time and space.” This is of course the main draw of the show, and is one that needs to be featured through out the entire episode. I think that they need to run this like a giant gauntlet match, with several teams challenging the Broken Brothers for the titles. You start the show with it, you tease the next team and then you shoot to something else, comeback and repeat until the climax of the episode, which will likely involve Decay. This whole thing is the brainchild of the Hardys, they have made it work and the people that are watching are doing so because of what they created here. It only makes sense to focus the episode around them and makes the “Tag Team Apocalypto” all that more important.

1. Maxel Has To Go Shazam: One of the things being heavily teased/hyped for this show is the fact that Matt’s son, King Maxel, will be making his in ring debut for Impact wrestling. Listen, I can deal with the wacky gardener, the drone, the reincarnating lake and all of that shit, but under no circumstances am I ok with a two year old kid having a sanctioned professional wrestling match. We’re crossing an ethical line there, and this is professional fucking wrestling, we have to keep some things serious! There is an obvious solution to this issue. Matt must simply ask the seven deities to gift Maxel the powers and gifts of Shazam so that he may transform into a fully-grown man. This way we get around those pesky moral dilemmas, there are no child labor issues and King Maxel can perform to the fullest abilities. It’s not his fault that the soul of a King has been relegated to a child’s vessel. The debut of King Maxel’s true form will not only be special, but he could prove to be an important ally to Uncle Nero and his Broken father if they ever need a partner for the next GREAT WAR.

“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia.”