wrestling / Columns

Booking WWE Monday Night Raw 9.19.16

September 19, 2016 | Posted by James Van Edwards

* From Memphis, Tennessee, of the United States of America in the New World, this will be Monday Night Raw.

* Prior even to the opening theme song, a luxurious chariot arrives in the parking lot. From it emerge The Miz and his consort, Maryse. The announcers are aghast that SmackDown Live performers have dared step foot upon Raw’s domain.

* Respecting the theme song, Kevin Owens comes to the ring afterward. He notes the tailored suit he wears, and explains that his superiors asked him to dress as such and promote Sunday’s Clash of Champions event. However, he admits his salesmanship has always lacked, and especially now, as he cannot promise his match with Seth Rollins will be entertaining. Rollins has been but an utter failure since his return from injury, and if Owens beat him and two others to win the Universal Championship, he will make short work of Rollins alone. Rollins arrives, admitting he has indeed felt vulnerable without the championship belt and the backing of The Authority. But, he declares, that ends now–and he strikes Owens. Owens escapes to the back, and Rollins eyes him with desperate determination.

* Backstage, Bayley meets Sasha Banks, her partner in the upcoming match against Charlotte and Dana Brooke. Bayley hopes Banks feels no ill will toward her after she nearly claimed Banks’s number one contendership last week. Banks understands Bayley’s ambition, and per Bayley’s request, they embrace. Bayley insists that Banks defeats Charlotte on Sunday so they can face off in battle in the future.

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* Sasha Banks and Bayley defeat Charlotte and Dana Brooke when Banks forces Brooke to submit. After the match, Charlotte expresses her continued displeasure with Brooke.

* Backstage, General Manager Mick Foley thanks The Miz for agreeing to tour Raw as he considers signing a contract with the red brand. Foley notes that he is fond of frivolity, but he also administers his authority with an iron fist–or thumb, as it were. The Miz asks if this means his illustrious Intercontinental Championship reign will not end the moment Triple H decides he desires another performer to be champion. He is then summoned on his telephone by his agent, leaving Foley to ponder his words.

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* Foley locates Rollins in the backstage area, and orders him not to lay a hand upon Kevin Owens until Sunday’s match. Rollins asks if this edict is the result of The Miz’s challenging words. To the contrary, Foley says that it is because, no matter how he acquired his spoils, Owens is the champion and his match shall not be endangered.

* In the sixth match of their series, Cesaro defeats Sheamus, thus tying the series and prompting a seventh match at Clash of Champions.

* After footage showing Nia Jax’s murder of Alicia Fox last week, Nia Jax walks backstage toward the ring to murder another poor soul this week. However, Foley arrives and informs her that she went too far last week, and will not be performing this week. Jax is visibly put out and, like Rollins, suspects Foley’s decisions are dictated by The Miz’s earlier admonishment. She departs, presumably to murder someone on her own time.

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* Chris Jericho welcomes new Cruiserweight Champion TJ Perkins to his Highlight Reel. Jericho invites Perkins to introduce himself to the audience, but quickly falls into a reverie of his own, reminiscing about his time as cruiserweight champion. Perkins notes that he watched Jericho’s cruiserweight matches when he was a child. Jericho misinterprets Perkins’s compliment as a slight about his advanced age. Perkins clarifies that he meant no offense, and that Jericho paved the way for smaller wrestlers back when he was a smaller wrestler. At this, Jericho perceives an insult about his increased girth, and assures Perkins he can still fight at a cruiserweight level. He challenges Perkins to a match later in the night, and Perkins accepts.

–Advertisement discouraging youth from smoking. Mind you, if it were not for the smoking of substances, I would not be able to bring you these predictions.–

* In an affair between six competitors, Gran Metalik defeats The Brian Kendrick, Rich Swann, Cedric Alexander, Noam Dar, and Lince Dorado to claim the number one contendership to the Cruiserweight Championship and the right to face Perkins at Clash of Champions.

* Backstage, the Shining Stars ask, rhetorically, why the audience should believe their claims about the island of Puerto Rico. Because, they answer, they know two things: Paradise and Wrestling. And as it comes to wrestling, they have proven of late that they are the better of the hottest act on Raw, Enzo and Big Cass. Those self-proclaimed Certified Gs arrive to dispute this claim, and Cass challenges Primo to a match tonight. Primo is reluctant to agree, but Enzo says if Primo backs down, he will appear a liar as to his wrestling acumen. And if he tells lies of his wrestling acumen, he must therefore tell lies of Puerto Rico. And if he tells lies of Puerto Rico, no one will venture to the paradise, and the island will soon find itself destitute, and its citizenry will flee, and it will be overtaken by savage beasts that will lay with each other until all that remains are unspeakable, inbred creatures that rule over the island to the next great extinction and beyond.

(Enzo is correct as to the fate of the island, of course, though his time frame is woefully inaccurate.)

–Advertisement for a remake of a previously successful film. I did not see this in a vision–just making an assumption.–

* Primo defeats Big Cass by count-out after Cass is sufficiently distracted by the antics of his opponent and Epico.

* Backstage, The Miz and Maryse wait in Stephanie McMahon’s office to discuss his joining the Raw roster. However, McMahon immediately tells him that she is not interested in his services, and asks security to escort him and his wife from the premises. Foley tells McMahon that this appears a rather rash and thoughtless decision, but McMahon notes that The Miz showed much disrespect in mentioning Triple H’s involvement in Kevin Owens’s championship victory, and insists that no one question how she or Foley lords over Raw. As she leaves, she expresses surprise and disdain that he bent over backwards so to show The Miz what a decisive governor he is. Foley appears shaken.

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* The New Day arrive in the ring. As they are certain they will no longer tussle with Anderson & Gallows after Clash of Champions, they take the opportunity to purge themselves of all their insulting observations about their opponents. But while they occupy themselves noting Gallows’s resemblance to parts of a male’s anatomy, thus Anderson’s resemblance to smaller parts of a male’s anatomy, Anderson & Gallows march to the ring without a word, and with a referee in tow. They bark at him to start the scheduled match, which is…

* Big E versus Luke Gallows, which ends when Gallows pins Big E following a strikingly dominant performance.

–Advertisement for a food item called the Whopperito. As I have prophesied elsewhere, the emergence of the Whopperito is the second sign of the Apocalypse. The first, of course, is non-orange Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. You have been warned.–

* Backstage, Anderson & Gallows tell a small, suited male holding a microphone that the New Day are sorely mistaken for not taking them seriously, and they will hammer home this lesson on Sunday.

* While the other cruiserweights look on from the stage, TJ Perkins pins Chris Jericho. After the match, an embarrassed and incensed Jericho hobbles up the ramp and challenges any of the other cruiserweights to a match. They decline, and motion for him to look behind him–where he finds Sami Zayn lying in wait. Jericho is struck down as Zayn achieves revenge for his attack last week.

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* A noticeably humble Foley resides over the contract signing between Roman Reigns and Rusev. He asks that there be no physicality between them until Sunday. Rusev notes that Reigns has sought to make a cuckold of him, and Reigns notes that Rusev robbed him of a championship opportunity. Soon, their emotions begin to consume them, and they appear ready to explode in combat. At this, Foley loses himself, snapping at both men that he will fire them if they fail to respect his authority. He then produces from his jacket two documents. He suspected their enmity could not be contained, and so he drafted two new contracts–and if Reigns and Rusev can compose themselves until Sunday, their match at Clash of Champions will be Falls Count Anywhere. The two men sign the new contracts and stare at each other with much vigor. Meanwhile, with great troubles apparent on his bearded visage, Foley leaves the ring. The announcers wonder how secure he feels in his duties, as the talent thinks him a fool of McMahon, and McMahon thinks him a fool of the talent.

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* Darren Young defeats Titus O’Neil in a match that sees many nachos sold.

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* Rusev defeats Seth Rollins after Kevin Owens appears on the ring apron with the sole purpose of distracting Rollins. When Rollins instinctively seeks to expel Owens from the ring, he remembers Foley’s decree that he must not harm Owens. This momentary hesitation allows Rusev the time to strike Rollins with a kick and pin him. Owens stands over Rollins’s prone body and raises his championship over his head.

* All of this mayhem, of course, leads to the following set of matches at the Clash of Champions event on 25 September:

* Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens for the Universal Championship
* Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte for the Raw Women’s Championship
* New Day vs. Anderson & Gallows for the Raw Tag Team Championship
* Roman Reigns vs. Rusev for the United States Championship
* TJ Perkins vs. Gran Metalik for the Cruiserweight Championship
* Cesaro vs. Sheamus in the seventh match of their Best of Seven series
* Sami Zayn vs. Chris Jericho
* Enzo & Big Cass vs. The Shining Stars

And with that, I trust I will see all of you next week for more Raw predictions. That is, all of you but reader Steven Kent of Tacoma, Washington, as I have divined that you will meet your demise in a violent argument with a friend over whether athletes must stand for the National Anthem. God bless you.

article topics :

RAW, WWE, James Van Edwards