wrestling / Columns

Botched!: Not So Grand Amplitude, Charlotte The Harlot, More

April 29, 2017 | Posted by Steve Cook
Charlotte Flair

Hi, hello & welcome to the column that nobody in wrestling wants to be featured in, Botched! We’re heading towards another PPV weekend, so here’s five moments where the people involved probably wanted to go home!

1. Dana Brooke vs. Alicia Fox

I like Dana Brooke. She came off like a good person on Breaking Ground, her recent character change makes her more relatable, and I’d like to see her succeed on the Raw roster. I find her easy to root for. Unfortunately, WWE called her up before she was ready to be a top-notch performer, and her matches can often be described as “bowling shoe ugly”. Her match with Alicia Fox on Monday night definitely had that quality. There was some rough looking stuff through the match, culminating with a less than smooth Samoan Driver by Dana at the end.


Dana came down a little later than Alicia did on that one. The move needs some work, and unfortunately for Dana she has to do that work on worldwide television every week.

2. Not So Grand Amplitude

Dana shouldn’t feel too bad about messing up her finisher, as she wasn’t the only one to do it this week. American Alpha joined her in the club with a rare whiff on their finisher, the Grand Amplitude. Usually it looks like this and it’s pretty solid:

This week, not so much. Chad Gable was out of position or Jason Jordan dropped their opponent wrong. I’m not sure which one it was, but the second part of the move didn’t come across too well, as you can see 2:46 into the video.

Gable & Jordan are still looking to get into a groove on the main roster. They will eventually.

3. The World WWE Championship

Jinder Mahal is the #1 contender for the WWE Championship. It’s a thing that I wasn’t expecting and that I wouldn’t really bet on working, but at least they’re trying something new in the title scene instead of the same old challengers. Unfortunately, Jinder’s so new to this whole “challenging for a major title” thing that he’s not entirely sure which title he’s challenging for.

45 seconds into the video he’s talking about taking the glory of the World WWE Championship. In fairness to Jinder, they change the name of the WWE Championship fairly often. Sometimes it’s the WWE World Championship. Sometimes it’s the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Right now it’s the WWE Championship, and that’s the way I like it because it’s the way it was when I was a kid.

With an F instead of an E, of course. You know what I mean.

4. Charlotte The Harlot?

Charlotte’s move to SmackDown was welcomed by most observers. She had done everything there was to do on Raw, and she would definitely provide a talent boost to SmackDown’s women’s division while gaining access to new rivals. There’s only one downside, and it’s a pretty strange one. SmackDown’s Titantron is shaped differently than Raw’s, and it gives a weird effect to Charlotte’s graphics.

It says “Harlot” instead of “Charlotte”! For some reason the phrase “Charlotte The Harlot” rang a bell with me, and sure enough it was an Iron Maiden song back in the day. As I am a metalhead, I include the song & lyrics below.

Giving a swish with your arse in the air, don’t you know what they’re saying? Charlotte you’re so refined when you take all the love that they’re giving. Sticking with every man that you find, don’t you know what they’re after? Charlotte you’ve got your legs in the air, don’t you hear all the laughter?

[Chorus]
Charlotte the Harlot show me your legs,
Charlotte the Harlot take me to bed.
Charlotte the Harlot let me see blood,
Charlotte the Harlot let me see love.

Taking so many men to your room, don’t you feel no remorse?
You charge them a “fiver”, It’s only for starters.
And ten for the course.
And you’ve got no feelings, they died long ago.
Don’t you care who you let in?
And don’t you know you’re breaking the law with the service you’re giving.

[Chorus]

There was a time when you left me standing there,
Picking up pieces of love off the floor.
Well Charlotte you left me alone in there,
To make your ends as a bloody whore.
Well Charlotte you told me you love me true,
Picking up pieces of love yesterday.
Well Charlotte you’re draws are off color too
‘Cause you’re making love all day.

I don’t think that’s what they want Charlotte’s character to be.

5. Possibly The Lamest Disqualification Ever

I feel like I spend a lot of time bashing 205 Live for its lame finishes in this column. Lame ends to matches seem all too common these days, but the Cruiserweight Division has been plagued with them. Take the Mustafa Ali vs. Tony Nese match from this week. Drew Gulak’s out there doing commentary because he takes issue with Ali’s cool flippy moves. People familiar with Gulak probably remember that he & Tony Nese showed up in the cruiserweght division together before focusing on their singles careers, which makes sense as there’s no Cruiserweight Tag Team Titles. So one couldn’t have been too surprised when Gulak got involved at the end of the match…

I’m having a problem figuring out how the referee arrived at the conclusion that Ali should have been disqualified. The reasoning for it, I suppose, is that Gulak put his hands on Nese. But if you’re going to disqualify people for that, you’re starting to take us down a slippery slope. Xavier Woods could pat Big E on the back and get E’s opponent disqualified. I mean, if Gulak had punched Nese or something, then explained it away to Nese afterwards, it would have made some sense. They way they did it didn’t.

At least Ali got to do a flip afterwards

Thanks for reading! If you see (or hear) anything wrong in the world of wrestling, let me know via Twitter or e-mail at [email protected]. Have a good weekend!