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January 16, 2017 | Posted by Tony Acero
WWE Raw Brock lesnar Image Credit: WWE

Guyz, Guyze! GUYS!!!

Look! It’s Bingo Rules!!!

Get Ready!


RAW
IS

Two weeks away from The Royal Rumble, but only one week away from RAW Bingo, and it looks like the year is starting as awesome as it possibly could.

Just as I type this, RAW starts with a whimper of a dog instead of a bark of a beast. Roman Reigns makes his way down the ramp, careful to take a glance at the shark cage. Recap of last week shows Roman’s loss of the US Title.

Reigns on the mic, says he can’t complain too much about being outnumbered considering he was a member of The Shield. He brings up his loss last week, but says that Owens will be the one complaining at The Royal Rumble. Jericho will be locked above the ring, so KO will be one on one with him. Reigns says no one can beat him one on one, so come the Rumble, he’ll be walking out with the title.

Someone, apparently, disagrees, as the lovely voice of one Paul Heyman booms over the house. Heyman is quick to point out that he is just an advocate. Heyman tries to talk, but the crowd chants for Goldberg. Heyman makes mention that Goldberg is not here this evening. Heyman doesn’t get much of a chance to speak, because the two best friends in the world come down to the ring. Owens and Jericho are here, and jericho announces them both as US/Universal Champions. He calls it simple math; one) Owens keeps his title Two) Jericho wins the Rumble, and 3) They main event Wrestlemania, so no matter what, they still remain US/Universal Champions. Owens makes a point to mention that he will be the champion after Mania, no matter who he faces.

Seth Freakin Rollins has something to say about this, and he makes his way out. He says this conversation can not be had with Rollins.

Rollins is cut off shortly after his entrance by Braun. Braun gets no words in because The Beast, Brock Lesnar is here!

Somehow I missed Sami Zayn making his way down to the ring as well. We get a little brawl and all of the faces get the upperhand until Brock comes in and Germans Brock. The last two men left in the ring are Brock and Sami. Brock goes straight for the gut and German’s Sami back to Canada. Brock stands alone in the ring and calls for Braun to enter the ring. Braun hops on the apron and breathes heavily. Braun stares down Brock then thinks better of it, and hops down. Just as he does this, Roman enters the ring and hits Brock with a Superman Punch. Owens on the apron and he gets hit, so does Jericho. Brock is up. Roman turns. F5!!!!!! Reigns is laid out in the middle of the ring.


Match 1: Enzo and Big Cass vs Rusev and Jinder Mahal

Jinder and Enzo to start. Enzo gets Jinder in the corner with a few hits, but Jinder fights out and attacks the chest. He gets Enzo in the corner, whips him into the opposite one, and runs into a boot. Enzo with a riht. He sends Jinder into the corner and tags in Cass. Enzo with a right to Cass then he gets thrown by Cass into the corner. Enzo nearly runs into Rusev, and freaks out. Cass is there to save him and drives some knees to Rusev in the corner. Cass with a clothesline to send Mahal over the top rope.

Back from a break and a whole bunch of crappy computer stuff happens, so let’s just assume Rusev beats down on Enzo for a bit until Cass gets tagged in along with Mahal. Fallaway Slam from Cass. Splash in the corner. Body slam in the middle of the ring followed by the Empire Elbow. Pin for 1…2..NO!! RUSEV breaks the pin. Rusev goes for Enzo. Enzo holds the ropes. Rusec lands on the apron. He attacks Enzo, but Cass hits the ropes then a Big Boot. Mahal goes for a rollup. 1..2…NO!! Big Boot to Mahal.

Tag to Enzo, and we get the Badaboom Shakalaka. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Enzo and Big Cass
Enzo always makes me smile.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating:*1/2

Jack Gallagher is at the announcer’s table for the next math.


Match 2: Ariya Daivari vs Lince Dorado

Daivari backs Dorado into the corner and hits some rights and lefts. Lince gets out. Springboard crossbody for a pin and gets 1. Daivari knoxks Dorado down then gets Lince in the corner. Stomps in the corner and Daivari sends him to the adjacent corner. Right hands to the head. Daivari shouts to Gallagher, who is doing just smashing on commentary. Daivari goes right. Blocked. Left. Blocked. Kick from Lince. Springboard into a Stunner and a pin for 1..2..NO! Lince off the corner with a dropkick. Lince gets on the apron, then hops onto the corner. Top rope and he flies with a crossbody, but gets nothing! Daivari locks up from behind. Releases. HARD clothesline from Daivari.

He locks in a Cobra Clutch, and Dorado taps!

Winner: Ariya Daivari
The ol, “He’s got a submission now” ploy, ey?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Earlier today, Sasha was getting her knee evaluated by the medical team. As she is working on her knee in an empty arena save for some staff and producers, Nia Jax sneaks into the ring and attacks her!

Nice little change.

The man with the suit is here to play! And his ginger friend is with him!

Of course, because this is how my night is going, I miss roughly 3 minutes of the match and come back to…


Match 3: WWE World Tag Team Championship Match
Cesaro and Sheamus vs Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows

Anderson dropkicking Sheamus to the knee. Gallows with a huge kick to Sheamus, knocking him off the apron and we get a commercial break. Great.

We are back, and Gallows is squashing Sheamus in the corner. Tag to anderson, and we get a double team neckbreaker and a pin for 1..2…NO! Tag to Gallows and Luke goes afgter cesaro, Misses, and runs into a body slam by Sheamus to Gallows. Both men looking for a tag. Tag to Cesaro. Tag to Anderson. Clotheslin from Cesaro. Running upeprcut in the corner. Another. Cesaro with a flurry of uppercuts in the corner! He runs, bounces off the ropes, DROPKICK! Pin for 1..2..NO! Cesaro looks excited. Calls for a spin! He drops Luke, Galows in the ring. Dropkick to Gallows. Drop toe hold! Cesaro hits the ropes! 619!!! Cesaro to the top rope! Anderson crawls. Gallows sends Sheamus into the barricade! CROSSBODY from Cesaro to Gallows!!!! Anderson goes for a suicide dive! Uppercut to Andesron, though!!!! Cesaro in the ring. Springboard corkscrew FUCKYOUIMCESARO Uppercut!!! Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Cesaro calls for the spin one more time! He shoots the legs! SPIN!!!!!! We get 8 rotations before Cesaro locks on the Sharpshooter! As soon as he turns, Gallows hits him with a huge boot! Pin from Anderson for 1..2…NO!!!Anderson lifts Cesaro and hits him with an uppercut. Another. Cesaro gets one of his own. Another. Whip is reversed but Cesaro boots Gallows, who is on the apron! He turns into a Spinebuster! Pin for1..2…NO!! Sheamus saves it!! Sheamus attacks Gallows with right hands! Anderson pulls him from behind and eats a right hand! The ref grabs Sheamus! RIGHT HAND TO THE REF!!! Holy shit! Ref is knocked out! Gallows and Anderson in! They send Sheamus out of the ring! !

MAGIC KILLER TO CESARO!!! Pin but the ref is out. The ref is out!! Another ref slides in and counts the Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson
I can watch Cesaro all day
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

The initial referee ain’t down with the call! He yells at the new ref that no that’s not the decision. Sheamus is DQd.

The official decision is that Gallows and Anderson win by DQ.

Anderson and Gallows are pissed! They grab Sheamus and hit him with a Magic Killer as well then leave, yelling that the titles are theirs.

Recap of Brock destroying people.

Amazing video package for Jimmy Snuka. RIP my man.

This is followed by some tweets from superstars, ended with Tamina’s hand holding her fathers. Damn.

Backstage, Sami is trying to have a meeting with Seth and Roman. He’s speaking quickly, then talks about Braun being the big man of the group, and focusing on them. Sami thinks they should throw smoke screens, and Roman Reigns is clean up duty. Seth appreciates the enthusiasm, but they’ve been here and done it. Sami says this is what he wants to hear. He extends his fist out, calling for a group huddle. Roman calls him crazy and walks away. Seth follows.

The following match is set as Tony Nese vs Rich Swann.

While we get a replay of last week, we are unable to see Neville come through the crowd into the ring to attack Rich Swann in the corner. He beats down on him with stomps over and over. Swann is able to remove his jacket and shoot the legs!! He attacks Neville with stomps of his own, stepping on his face over and over. Swann is screaming his heart out, when from out of nowhere, Tony Nese attacks from the side!!! He hops atop Swann and attacks over and over! Neville pulls Nese back, yelling that Swann is his. Nese backs up a bit, then goes on the attack to Swann again. Neville grabs Nese and sends him outside of the ring!!! Swann is on all fours. neville sizes him up. HARD KICK TO THE FACE!!!!

Next: THE NEW DAY!

They’re here to talk about The Royal Rumble. Kofi brings up Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, and even Braun Strowman, calling the card stacked. Taker gets some big cheers. Most importantly, though, we’ve got NEW DAY! They speak about it being Foe vs Foe and Friend vs Friend which means it’s every man for himself. Kofi gets all mad dog at the other two. Big E then says if one of them win the Rumble, then….THEY ALL WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE!! Meaning they all will go to Mania and all three will become our WWE Universal Champion.

Here comes the black hole of charisma, Titus O’Neil.

He says he’s not out here for any Booty-Os or Booty-Business. He doesn’t even want to be in The New Day. He doesn’t want to be in it because he was thinking that he would replace The New Day. Titus wants one of their spots for the Rumble, then says he’ll take it. He tells them to huddle up and figure out which one will put their spot in the rumble up against Titus.

Kofi says that if Titus knew the proper time to call a huddle, then Titus would probably still be playing football.

BURN

Big E says he accepts with the caveat that once he beats Titus, no more calls or texts or DMs or showing up at their porch with a fake mustache and a pizza box with a hole in the bottom.

Titus calls Big E “Thickums.” Titus is glad Big E accepts because….TI….TUS ROCKS.

Wow….


Match 4: Titus O’Neil vs Big E

We come to the match with Titus beating down on Big E in the corner. He whips to the other corner, but Big E pops out with a shoulder tackle. Scrap to the face attempt but Big E ducks as Titus swings. Big E with a right to the gut, then tries to lock in an abdominal stretch. He gets it in and taps Titus on the ass a few times. Elbow to Titus and a cover for 1..2…NO! Whip to Titus and Titus reverses. Big E holds the ropes, and Titus gets tossed to the outside. Big E rolls out and grabs Titus. Uppercut to the gut. Titus pushes Xavier Woods then gets in the ring. Big E follows. Big Boot to Big E! Stomp to Big E. Right hands from the elevated position by Titus. Cover for 1..2..NO! Titus with a short clothesline. Pin for 1..2..NO! Elbow drop to Big E. Another elbow. Cover for 1..2…NO! Titus looks for a backbreaker type move, but instead flips Big E forward and slams him down hard! Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Close. Titus locks the arm under Big E’s chin and pulls from behind. He turns it into a chin lock. Big E turns into the move, then hits the ropes. Titus with a powerslam. Titus talks shit to Kofi and Woods then hits the ropes and drops a leg. Pin for 1..2..NO! Titus goes for an abdominal stretch of his own. He licks his hand then smacks Big E on the ass while chanting. Wow…..
Titus pushes Big E to the ropes. Big E with a clothesline! Another! Belly to Belly! Big E gyrates over Titus. He hits the ropes. Hops over.

Big Splash to Titus. Clap ClapClap. Big Ending to Titus. Pin for 1….2….3!!

Winner: Big E
Surprisingly average match. I expected trainwreck status, but it was a nice little story.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *1/2

Charlotte is here to give a stilted promo!

She says she didn’t become the champion overnight. Yes, she is genetically superior, but she achieved her success because she studied her opponents inside and out. This is why studying Bayley was easy. She is the epitome of Average. Being average is why we all go crazy when Bayley’s music hits; it’s like she’s one of us – an average fan. We look up to the tron, and see an autographed photo of Bayley and Cena. We move on to a photo of Bayley and I don’t think Charlotte even knows who is in the photo with Bayley, making her look like a dumbass. Another photo with her and RVD who she doesn’t name either, followed by Bayley and Bret Hart. We also get a little poem of Bayley’s love for wrestling.

Charlotte says while Bayley was writing in little notebook, she was winning championships and training weekly. She says she found 100 poems like this. Charlotte tries to read one of the poems to us, but it’s a bit blurry and she can’t make them out then insults the crowd for possibly not being able to read.

Well this is going nowhere, fast.

Out of all these poems, the best thing Charlotte found was an essay that Bayley wrote in high school. Who better to read it to us than the author herself.

We get a video of Bayley’s essay being read by her in the performance center. Bayley cries while reading this.

Charlotte pretends to cry, stops the tape, and thought this might happen. She brought a copy to read to us herself.

“I know that it’s a tough path to go down, but once I’m holding up the Women’s Championship, I can finally smile and say ‘I did it!'”

Charlotte hopes Bayley got an F on this essay, because it’s a pile of empty dreams.

Bayley finally comes out and says she wasn’t fortunate enough to have a father who opened the door for her, but she had a dad who took her to every WWE Live event. A dad who bought her a ticket even if he didn’t have money, and it didn’t matter if she was sitting in the back corner, the front, or way up high where everyone looked like an ant. She looked at her dad and said one day that was going to be her.

Charlotte says touching. Bayley says since she liked her poems so much, she has a new one for Charlotte.

“Roses are red
Violets are blue
At Royal Rumble
I will defeat you.”

“I can’t help but smile from cheek to cheek
At just the thought of the look on her face when I break your PPV streak!”

“You’ve called me a child and say I don’t deserve to walk down that ramp
Well in two weeks, you can call me your new Women’s Champ.”

Well…that was a segment.


Match 5: Brian Kendrick vs Cedric Alexander

Lockup to start. Cedric gets Brian in the corner. Kendrick grabs the hand and sends Cedric into the corner like a good heel does. Cedric with a leg scissors into a toss. He sends Kendirck to the outside. Alexander hits the ropes, bounces off, and drives his legs firectly into Kendrick’s head! ouch! Cedric sends Kendrick back in the ring and eats a kick from Brian. Brian chokes Cedric up on the ropes, pushing his head into the second rope then kicking it from the bottom. He trucks Cedric down and covers for 1..2..NO! Cedric with a Full Nelson, but can’t get the hands locked. Noam Dar is watching backstage. Cedric tosses Kendrick over his head then hits a few chops. Kendrick with an elbow. Kendrick waits for Cedric to stand, rushes towards him, and runs right into a boot. Another boot out of the corner. Back elbow from Cedric to the back of the head! Cedric with a shoulder to the gut in the corner. Kick to the back of the head. Springboard clothesline and a cover for 1..2…NO!!! Cedric waits for Brian, locks up from behind, sets up for a back suplex, but Kendrick rakes the eyes and rolls Cedric into the Captain’s Hook! He is seemingly about to tap, but Alicia Fox comes down the ramp and pushes the rope towards Cedric for him to break the hold! Fox grabs Cedric and pu;;s hiom out of the ring. He asks what she is doing, and Kendrick hits a baseball slide. Kendrick tells her to “Beat it, toots!” haha. Kendrick sends Cedric into the ring then yells at Alicia. Alicia hilariously says “I don’t want anybody right now.”

In the ring, Kendrick goes for the hook again, but Cedric turns it into the Lumbar Check and pins for 1..2….3!

Winner: Cedric Alexander
Well that was fun
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating:**3/4

Backstage, Nia is grinning about what she did to Sasha. Nia wonders why we are still calling Sasha The Boss. Sasha is a wannabe tough girl. The second she stepped in the ring with a real woman, it was over in a matter of seconds. The aura is gone. People will see the truth. She saw it in her eyes; Sasha knew the hype was over. She broke The Boss, and now the peple are buzzing about the right woman.

We will find out who will be inducted into the Class of 2017 Hall of Fame next!!

Backstage, Alicia Fox is walking! Dude wants to know if they are finished as a couple. Alicia doesn’t want to talk about it, and she says it’s just a little disagreement and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Dude asks one more question, and Alicia goes crazy, saying she doesn’t want to talk about it in a yelling manner. She’s nuts.

The first inductee into the 2017 Hall of Fame Class is…..

Kurt Angle!


Match 6: Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho, and Braun Strowman vs Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Sami Zayn

All six men brawl to start. Reigns has OWens in the corner, Seth and Jericho tango up in the other corner, and Braun tosses Sami to theo utside. Jericho follows, and so does owens. Reigns and Strowman are the only two in the ring, but it’s short lived as Braun tosses Reigns over the top rope to the outside.

We’re back, and Jericho has a pin on Sami for 1..2..NO! Jericho lifts Sami and whips him to the corner. Clothesline to the corner, and Jericho goes to the top. He flies off, and Sami hits the gut, causing Jericho to flop like Lebron. Tag to KO, but Sami doesn’t get one. Owens with a short clothesline. Owens hits the ropes and hits a senton, but Sami has the knees up!!! Sami reachs for a tag. He gets close, but oOwens has the leg! TAG TO REIGNS! Right hands to Owens. Whip, hard clothesline from the air! Reigns with clotheslines in the corner. He gets to 8, turns and knocks the running Jericho on his ass. Big Boot to Kevin. Reigns in the corner. He calls for the Supermnan Punch, but Jericho holds the leg of Reigns! Seth runs and attacks Jericho! Braun grabs Seth and tosses him into the barricade!! Reigns goes for a superman punch to Braun, but Braun just catches him on the apron and sends him right into a Superkick from Owens! Pin for 1..2…NO!!!

We are back after another break, and Braun and Owens are double teaming Reigns. Owens with a right hand to the forehead. Braun is back outside. Owens with a cravat from behind. Sami is all hyped up on the apron. Reigns is fading in the center of the ring. owens will not release the hold. Reigns gets back to his feet, turns into the hold, and breaks it. Owens hits the ropes. Samoan Drop! Rollins is back on the apron. Tag to Seth! He’s in. Tag to jericho. Forearms in the corner from Seth, Blockbuster off the 2nd rope. Owens is in and Seth ducks under a right. Sami tosses Owens to the outside. He talks to Seth. Seth Suicide Dives to Jericho on one side and Sami with a flip over the top rope onto Owen! Braun rushes him, but Seth trips him and Braun hits the ringpost.

In the ring, Seth hits a flying knee. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Seth wants The Pedigree. Jericho counters, goes for The Walls! Seth escapes, goes for The Pedigree again, but Jericho escapes and tags in Braun. Seth attacks, hits the ropes, tries to knock Braun down a few times, but Braun catches him by the neck. Sami attacks from behind. He runs right into a choke and Braun slams him down. Seth goes for a Pedigree, but can’t get it. Braun with a back drop. Seth up. Kick to the head with an Enziguri. Superman Punch! Braun still standing!!!! Seth drops him to a knee. Tag to Sami!! Sami on the top rope!! Rollins up top! He flies on top of Jericho and Owens! Sami with a crossbody to Braun. Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Braun sends Sami off hard. Sami in the corner. Braun in the corner. Sami is up first.

HELLUVA—NO!!!! Hard clothesline sending Sami down hard as fuck!! Running Powerslam to Sami! Cover for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Braun Strowman, Chris Jericho, and Kevin Owens
WWE knows how to do Six Man Tags, man…
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

Braun isn’t done. He grabs Sami and tosses him outside the ring. He grabs Sami by the head and lifts him over his shoulders like a damsel and takes him to the stage. Braun is heading to the announce table. He drops Sami, but Seth is here with a chair!! He smacks Braun on the back. REIGNS FROM OUTTA NOWHERE WITH A SPEAR!! SIIIIIICK!

They replay the spear a few times. Seth motions for Reigns to help him clear the table, and they remove the tvs and notes. Owens and Jericho come out to attack Reigns and Seth! Jericho sends Seth away while Jericho stomps Reigns. Owens clears the table off a bit more, and he points to the table. He’s looking to powerbomb Reigns. Jericho lifts Reigns up. Owens sets up. Seth attacks!!!! Jericho stops himm so Seth hits a Pedigree!!!! Owens with a sick chair shot to the back of Seth Rollins! REIGNS is about to Spear, but Owens holds the chair up!!! Owens with another chair shot to the back of Reigns. Owens grabs Reigns. Owens asks if Reigns remembers Battleground. Nice. Owens sets up. POWERBOMB INTO THE TABLE!!!!

YES chants End the show.

EDSHOWn

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RAW, WWE, Tony Acero