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It’s…..THE RAGSYS!!!!

THE RAGSYS

A lot has changed since the last edition of The Ragsys, and not all for the better. We open in the back alley of a bar near two dark green dumpsters. An obviously drunk man is attempting to stand atop a pile of large, full, black trash bags. He wears a tilted bow tie and a white button up drenched in whiskey. A nearby jacket is draped across a broom as lights flicker over the backdoor of a bar. Neon cascades over the man as he stands with a belch emitting his mouth. He looks over to his jacket, grabs it, smirks, then puts it on. The man stumbles across the bags until he hits solid ground, and realizes he is missing a shoe. He places the jacket over his head, allowing the sleeves to fall over his arm. A quick cinch in the front, and he looks barely presentable.

It’s our host of The Ragsys, and he’s officially late to the show. The camera follows him as he walks down the alley, focusing on two bright, white letters that have been painted on his back:

J&J

RAW starts with a tribute to Memorial Day, and it’s as beautiful as ever.

The Miz and Maryse are here to start RAW off. He welcomes us to RAW propper. He brings up Sunday and Dean Ambrose. Miz calls him a lying, backstabbing thief who stole the title. Two weeks ago, he earned an opportunity to challenge him, and he intentionally disqualified himself. He went to Angle and demanded another match. Not just any match, no, he wanted coverage. If Ambrose gets DQd, he loses his title. if you don’t think that could happen, then watch this: Miz shows us last Monday where Dean loses due to a DQ via Mizerference. Speaking of former and future champs, his guests tonight are future tag team champions: CESARO AND SHEAMUS!

miz says that no two superstars deserve what they’ve deserved. They earned their shot at Mania only for The Hardys to show up and get handed an opportunity.

Cesaro calls it a shameful thing. The biggest shame, says Sheamus, is the fact that all these people turned their back on Cesaro when The Hardy Boyz showed up. DELETE chant. Sheamus says they have no loyalty. Cesaro and Sheamus are gonna break the new toy known as The Hardyz, and take back their titles.

Miz says they have been victimized by all these people. They don’t see the greatness that is in this ring. The Miz claims that after Extreme Rules, the IC Title World Tour will continue. He can see it now.

Insert Dean Ambrose, who tends to disagree with The Miz. Ambrose says he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble, but he can’t help it. he sees three buttheads like them, and someone needs to come out and shut their mouths. Miz mentions that there is three of them and one of him.

Ambrose says he’s crazy, but he ain’t stupid. And….here come The Hardyz.

The three faces attack the ring, but Miz leaves the ring! hahah. Hardyz and Dean send Cesaro and Sheamus out, and this will probably lead to a 6 man.

Match 1: The Hardy Boys and Dean Ambrose vs Cesaro, Sheamus, and The Miz
We are here with the match already in progress. Jeff gets a cover on Cesaro for 1…NO! Jeff works the left arm, tags in Matt, and holds Cesaro long enough for Matt to drop an elbow to the arm. Matt works the arm as well. Sheamus tries to enter, Matt sends him off the apron, and Cesaro hits an uppercut. Tag to Miz, and we get a double team of stomps. Miz keeps it going as Cesaro leaves. Tag to Sheamus. Uppercut to Matt. Sheamus with a few rights to the back, then a few to the face. Miz scrapes Matt as Sheamus distracts the ref. Clothesline from Sheamus and a cover for 1..2…NO! Cravat from behind. Sheamus sends Matt over the ropes, gets him locked up, and starts with the beatdown. Tag to Cesaro, who clotheslines Matt then drops an elbow on him off the ropes. Pin for 1…2…NO!!! Knee to Matt, big boot to Jeff, and a finger point to Ambrose! Back body drop to Cesaro from Matt .Tag to Dean. Clothesline, another, whip is reversed, and a third from Ambrose. Elbow to Miz. Ambrose hops over the top rope onto The Miz. he hangs up Cesaro and heads to the top rope, he hops over, lands on his feet, turns, looks for Dirty Deeds, but Cesaro reverses and hits a knee. Clothesline attempt it stopped as Ambrose hist a clothesline. Blind tag from Sheamus. He’s in, clothesline to the outside!! Jeff is on the apron, sending Cesaro away. Rollup on Sheamus for 1..2..NO!!! Swinging neckbreaker to Sheamus! He goes up to the top rope, but Miz is on the apron and distracts. Sheamus climbs up. high knee to Ambrose!!!

Back from a break, and Miz has Dean set up for some kicks. Or fellatio. Hard to tell. Ah, it’s kicks. Miz starts with the Bryan kicks, misses the last one, and Ambrose with a rollup. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Ambrose rebounds into a kick and another cover for 1..2..NO! Tag to Cesaro. Cesaro with a whip to the corner, misses an uppercut, rolls to the outside. Ambrose is about to tag Jeff, but Miz is there to take both Hardys off the apron. tag to Sheamus. White Noise and a double team with Cesaro’s help. Pin for 1..2..NO! Sheamus sends Dewan into the corner and hits a shoulder. He sets up for White Noise from the 2nd rope, but Ambrose escapes and hits a right hand to the afce of Sheamus. Sheamus goes down. Ambrose up top and flies with an elbow. Tag to Cesaro, he’s in, but Ambrose is in. Tag to Miz. Tag to Jeff! Kick, kick, whip, right hand, inverted atomic drop into a leg drop. Dropkick to The Miz’s face as he lays down! Jeff goes for Twist of Fate, tag from Matt. Matt with a clothesline in the corner. POETRY IN MOTION! Side Effect! Cover for 1..2….NO!!! Sheamus in, but Jeff hits a Twist of Fate! Ambrose in after Cesaro attacks jeff! Dirty Deeds and a siuicide dive to Shemaus!!

Matt and Miz in the ring. Twist of Fate to Miz after some slight miscommunication. Tag to Jeff! SWANTON BOMB! Pin for 1..2…..3!!!!

Winners: The Hardy Boyz and Ambrose
Hell of a lot of energy there, and it was all the better because of it.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***

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Gone are the days of brightly lit, sold out arenas. The Ragsys just doesn’t have the support it once had. Yet, just like many awards shows that are devoid of actual meaning and credibility, The Ragsys must go on, and here is your host, straight from an American Legion somewhere in Missouri, J&J Security Tag Title Run!

“Welcome everyone to The Ragsys! Let’s not waste any time! Our first award is a new one to the list of awards, but holds just as much importance as any of the others! It is….The Best Sasha Banks Fan Award!”

Instead of a huge screen like last year, J&J points towards a man at a laptop near a projector. Silence befalls the crowd. After some time, the man and J&J bicker incoherently. The man is finally able to click a few buttons, and on the screen is a PowerPoint slideshow of the nominees:

Tony Acero
Bayley
SashaBanks-GOAT
Javier the Janitor

“And your winner is……

SASHABANKS-GOAT!

While The Hardyz are celebrating, we move over to the commentary booth where Cole and Co are chatting up Extreme Rules. Corey Graves is on his cell phone, texting. Cole asks him a question, and he is noticeably distracted. He removes his headphones and says sorry, but he’s gotta go, then leaves.

Backstage, Angle is looking at a phone in awe! We pan out and Graves is here as well. It’s his phone. Apparently the text is saying someone has besmirched the status as an olympic gold medal winner. Angle wonders how he got this. Graves says people tell him things, and he will help Angle in any way. Angle says that if this is true, it can ruin Angle. I’m still not clear what this is.

Elias Samson is introduced. He’s in the middle of the ring with his guitar.

He cuts a musical promo, saying he’s come to RAW to run people over. He says he locked a lunatic away last week, did an A-list favor and must repay it. Eye for an eye, says he, and he’s always got a plan. The crowd is much more acceptable to his song this time around.

Match 2: Elias Samson vs Zac Jobber
Knee to the gut. He locks the fingers of the left arm, then lifts Zac, and drops him. Elias locks the hand as Zac tries to fight out. Elias hits a headbutt then a clothesline! Hard kick to the right, thne a few eights, and lefts, and just a beatdown against the ropes. Elias tosses Zac hard, upside down, into the corner. He leaves the ring and grabs the head of Zac, slamming it down over and over as the ref counts. Ref hits 5, and Elias heads in the ring to yell at him. He leaves the ring, then pulls Zac across the ringpost. Elias enters the ring and runs with a knee. The kid is out. Right hand to the face, then a back elbow.

Eli locks the head, spins with a neckbreaker, aka New Guy Finisher 3, and pins for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Elias Samson
So instead of springboarding the guy after the win over Ambrose, we get the Cliche Push 102, complete with average finisher.The only saving grace is that Elias LOOKS pretty damned good.
Match Quality: 1/2*
Personal Enjoyment: 1/2*
Total Rating: 1/2*

Cole talks about the match as Graves comes walking back.

Backstage, Samoa Joe is watchin Finn Balor make his entrance. Joe cuts a little promo, speakin of devils and the like. Wyatt cuts him off with a video promo, saying he is the devil that we don’t know. Wyatt says his eyes are wide open. he sees the future. He sees the evil that is the beast. He can see a world where the beast screams. Only one can defeat the beast, and he is the eater of worlds. He is prepared to wage war. He will not turn away from this fight. He will stand up. He tells Joe and Finn to give in to their fear, and RUN.

Match 3: Bray Wyatt vs Samoa Joe vs Finn Balor
Wyatt opts to leave the ring. Joe attacks Finn in the corner. Some knee raises and a chop sush the crowd. Whip to the corner, but Finn hops over and gets a high kick. Wyatt is outside, applausing. Whip to Joe sends him to the outside, but Joe sends Wyatt in the ring. Wyatt turns and Finn stares him down. Knee and a few rights to the kidneys. Right hand by Wyatt, then a hard hit to the head. Kick to the chest. Wyatt with a right, but it’s blocked. Spin kick by Finn and he scrapes the face with a forearm in the corner. Back elbow to the gut. He stares at Joe, then runs into a boot. Finn swings up and kicks. Pin for 1….2…NO! Joe is in to stop the pin. Headbutt and a knee, another, another knee strike! Joe tosses Finn to the outside. Joe chokes Wyatt down, but Finn isn’t about to stay outside and attacks Joe. Wyatt sends Finn to the outside and sees Joe in the corner. Finn rolsl back in and hits the kidney as Wyatt corners Joe. Finn with stomps in the corner. Kick to Joe. He is rushed by Wyatt. Joe rolls to the outside. Wyatt hits the ropes and just launches himself into Finn! Wyatt with an uppercut. Wyatt seats Finn on the top rope. Finn with right hands. Wyatt checks the throat. Joe is back and sends Wyatt to the outside. Chop to Finn on the corner. Joe heads up. He locks the mfor a suplex. Wyatt is in the ring! He gets under JOE! POWERBOMB TO JOE! But He has Finn locked! Superplex/Powerbomb combo!!! Wyatt with the spider walk. He looks for Sister Abigail, but Joe locks in The Clutch from behind!!! Wyatt to one knee! Finn with a kick to Joe! He stomps oe down. Wyatt rolls out of the ring. Finn with another stomp. Again. Kick to Wyatt. both big big guys on the outside. Finn hits the ropes! Finn with a flip over the ropes to the outside!!!

Back from a break, and Wyatt and Joe are double teaming Finn, knocking him down with tackles. Finn is able to fight both of them off with chops and rights. He sends Joe in the corner and drops hard elbows to the head until Bray rushes the corner and squashes both of them. Whip to Finn in the corner. He tells Joe to squash him, and Joe does. Joe grabs Finn and holds him while Wyatt rushes the corner and squashes Finn. Inverted Atomic Drop by Joe. Big boot! Senton to the chest! Finn is dead. Joe turns his back, and Wyatt takes advantage! He sends Joe to the outside, looks for the Uranage, but overhead kick by Finn sends him down! Kick from the corner by Finn. Elbow to the face. Clothesline. A dropkick to the face. BUT JOE IS BACK IN!! Clothesline!! Squash in the corner! Kick to Wyatt! Wyatt rolls out. Joe hits the ropes. He gets sent right back to the outsdie by Finn. He sends off the apron. Same to Joe! Finn on the apron. Running kick to Joe’s face!! Finn back outside. Running Dropkick to Bray Wyatt!!! Finn sends Joe back in the ring. Chop to the corner by Finn! Another. A thir—NO!! Uranage by Joe!!! Joe with The Clutch from behind, but Finn uses the corner to push out of it and double stomps the chest!!! Joe rolls out,m Wyatt back in. He locks up for Sister Abigail, but Fin escapes, shoots the legs. DOUBLE STOMP!! Joe is up. Finn is standing. He goes for Slingblade, but Joe with a Belly to Belly!!!! Wyatt is on his back, gets the spider walk, Joe rushes. WYATT HITS SISTER ABIGAIL!!!! Finn is in the ring! He attacks the back! Finn rushes Wyatt. Slingblade! Finn with a dropkick, sending Wyatt into the corner hard.

Finn up top! COUP DE GRAS!!!! Looks for the cover, by Joe is up! He grabs Finn and just tosses him like a fucking rag doll against the corner and covers for 1..2…3!!!!

Winner: Samoa Joe
I like that they toyed with the very formulaic way the WWE does a Triple Threat, giving Finn the never quit attitude, Wyatt the cocky bystander, and Joe the killer. It made this a hell of a lot better.
Match Quality: ****
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ****

Backstage, Seth Rollins is talking with Jeff from Community. He asks Seth about Joe. Seth says that he wants to talk more about Reigns. He and Reigns have a bit of a complicated history. They had some great times, some not so great times after. No matter where they stand, though, every time they are in the ring together, it’s a war. They both want to be the best. He also knows that Seth Freakin Rollins owns Roman Reigns. Tonight will be no different. He will crack Roman over the head with his knee, sending a message. He is no stranger to changing the course of WWE history. This Sunday, at Extreme Rules, he is prime to do it again.

J&J is back after a commercial break, and he’s had an outfit change. The white shirt underneath the jacket is gone, and instead he is wearing a silver chain with a Hardy Boyz pendant on it. J&J has his transcript cards in front of him and is about to announce the next category, when the music hits of one Timber_wulff. He rushes the stage, nearly trips over the mic cord, and stands face to face with J&J. Quickly remembering this is not an indy fed, and is a made up awards show from the fucked up mind of a RAW Reporter, Timb backs up a bit before grabbing the mic from J&J.

“It is I, the winner of three Ragsys, and BEST COMMENTOR OF THE WORLD! I look around this arena and see no sign of my greatness. My legacy is dead. But I will not standby and allow that. I will, from here until I die, be known as….THE FAT CHICK THRILLA!!!!! I will announce the next category, and I will announce the winner, and if I feel they are undeserving, then I will walk away with The Ragsy yet again!

And the nomineees of The “I Voted for Trump” Ragsy Award are:

Negan
The Goalfather
Justin Watry
Gobbly Goobler

J&J stands by, fists clenched, obviously bothered at the apparent takeover. The Fat Chick Thrilla awaits….something. He doesn’t know who the winner is. He doesn’t have the cue cards. The crowd is silent. The man at the laptop stares at a photo of a hot woman on his desktop. J&J has had enough. He rushes Thrilla. SPEAR!!!! Timber goes down hard as J&J stands tall, screaming to the air!

“The Winner is….ah crap…it’s JUSTIN WATRY!!”

Match 4: Noam Dar vs Rich Swann
Noam Dar attacks Swann from behind and sends him in the corner hard. Right hands by Swann but Dar sends him in the corner. Swann flies over, kicks, but Noam grabs the right hand and spins Rich down hard. Cover for 1. Noam stands on the hand of Swann, then stomps it. Dar grabs the head and huts an uppercut then sits on his back and pulls back on the face. He works the left hand. Swann hits right hands again, works Swann down. Drops a knee, covers, and Swann gets out at 1. Noam sends Swann in the corner, but Swann hits an elbow. Drop toe hold to Noam. He blocks a right. Right of his own. Another. Clothesline to Dar. Spinning kick to the gut. Swann with a flipping leg drop onto Dar’s head! Pin for 1..2..NO! Swann with akick. he drags Dar closer to the corner.

Alicia Fox is on the apron to distract, but Sasha pulls her legs and Alicia its apron. Swann flies off the corner and pins for `1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Rich Swann

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Rich Swann makes Sasha dance. It’s amazing. I can’t breathe.

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The scene changes to a live studio, and it appears Will1225 is our next presenter. Due to his recent foray into overseas porn, he is joining us live via satellite, and with him is SpankyHamm.

Spanky: “Hey all, I’m here with my third favorite Will of 411, and we’re giving out the Tiger Woods Award!”

Will1225: “What is the Tiger Woods Award, you ask?”

Spanky: “Well, it goes to the commenter who, at one point may have been the greatest, but decided to drive at 3 AM under the influence!”

Will1225: “A little specific ain’t it?”

Spanky: “It is…”

-dead stare-

Will1225 and Spanky: And the nominees are….

Randy Ragsdale
Connie
Heel Charlotte
LowercaseJay

Spanky: “And the winner is…”

Back in the ragtag American Legion that is, a scratched up Ragsy comes flying towards the stage. J&J has just enough time to duck while the award smashes against the screen. It’s the man by the laptop. He stands, angrily, and screams to the crowd.

“I am the 8 Inch Wonder, AG AWESOME, and NONE of those names matter! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE AWESOME! I AM TH–”

AG stops, distracted by a cell phone vibration from his pocket. He grabs it. It’s his wife. We don’t hear her, but we hear him.

“Yeah, I took it out…yeah. No, just with the 411 crew. Yeah, The Ragsys….yeah….No, I swear, I took it out….Fine, I’ll be right there…loveyoutoo”

AG looks to the crowd, walks up to the stage, grabs his broken up Ragsy, and leaves towards a door in the back.

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Charley is backstage with…..THE REVIVAL!!!

They say there’s a reason they haven’t been on RAW. We see Dash with wires in his mouth. They’ll be back on RAW before there’s a chance to miss them. Charley brings up Enzo being attacked. Dawson calls this “gotcha” journalism. Charley brings up some video.

We see Last Monday where Sasha Banks was interviewed, and backstage, it appears that Dawson and Wilder were at RAW last week. Wow…did they plan ahead?!

Charley questions them. He says of course they were here last week. They were busy, though. This has nothing to do with Enzo. Enzo is a tilapia, a bottom feeder of RAW. They’re top guys, and they’re out.

Corey says he bets Cass saw that footage for sure. Booker questions this. Weird.

Recap of Tuesday when Kendrick beat down Tozawa down. What the hell kind of match was this? I’ll have to check it out.

We’re back to Cole and Co, and Cass is here! He’s looking dfown on Graves, about to beat daty ass. Graves said no, he wasn’t clear, and he’s sad, and they shake hands. What the hell?

Match 5: Titus O’Neil vs Kalisto
Titus withthe kicks to the legs, but Titus hits a knee to the gut. Whip to Kalisto in the corner, and he hops over. Dropkick to the back, sending Titus in the corner. Kick to the knees, hurricanrana slam to Titus! Titus is up, Kalisto goes for Salido, but Titus escapes.

Kalisto with a wheelbarrow, but Titus just sits down and holds the tights for the pin. 1…2…3!!

Winner: Titus O’Neil
Man, Titus can’t even do a squash match right…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Alexa Bliss is here to make sitting down hard.

The ring is set up for “This is Your Life.” Alexa is not The Rock, but let’s see how she does.

The pole is in the corner, with a kendo stick hangin. She knows what we are thinking….bayley? really? We’re all going to sit here and watch her hug the stick. We saw last week, when she had the stick, she couldn’t even pull the trigger. As The Goddess of the WWE, she knew that if she wanted to understand Bayley, she had to dig deep into her past. She found….

Bayley, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!

Alexa has a doll in her hand, says Bayley has had this since she was two. She then grabs a trophy. The crowd is WHATng this segment. This trophy is BEST IN SPORTSMANSHIP. She does some more bad shilling, then decides to chat it up with her elementary school teacher.

Teach says that Bayley would sit with her father in class, and that she couldn’t be away from her father for that long.

Alexa calls this embarrassing. It is.

Alexa then moves on to Bayley’s ex-childhood-best-friend, Tracy. Alexa asks Tracy what it was like being Bayley’s best friend. She says that Bayley used to do other people’s homework, no one wanted to be her friend, she was always nice, they were inseperable until….

BORING chant.

Alexa wants to know what happened. Tracy says whenever she wanted to hang out, Bayley wanted to stay in and watch RAW or Smackdown and never wanted to hang out.

Alexa calls the crowd rude, then says that Bayley’s childhood dream was to be a WWE Superstar? Really? Wow….ALexa says we are all sick and tired of hearing that. It also makes sense that she stopped going to the mall, and why she still dresses like a 12 year old.

Alexa’s last guest is Phil Johnson, Bayley’s ex.

Alexa wants to know what it was like being Bayley’s ex. He says she was a nice girl. Alexa wants to cut to the chase. What was it like on their first date? He calls it strange, says she brought her father along to everything. They almost kissed. He closed his eyes and nothing happened. He opened his eyes, and Bayley’s pops was there.

DELETE chant.

He wishes he was joking. He only dated Bayley because he wanted to get close to Tracy…THEY MAKE OUT.

Booker T: “This is hard to watch.”

Bayley finally heads out to stop this madness. She attacks with a barrage of rights. Alexa ends up getting a hard right hand. Bayley with a saito suplex! Bayley spots the kendo stick. Alexa is up, though, and grabs the leg. Bayley cracks a rin on the top rope. Alexa lifts the sheet off the table in the ring, and a kendo stick is attached to a leg of the table. She smacks Bayley hard across the back, and Bayley leaves the ring as Alexa stands short in the ring.

Backstage, Enzo is hurt AGAIN!!! This is the second week in a row! Paramedics are checking on Enzo. Cass is here, pissed. He says that two weeks in a row, Enzo has been attacked. Two weeks in a row, The Revival have been back on RAW. He yells at Angle that he is not leaving Enzo’s side. Angle says he will take care of it. Enzo brushes off the paramedics. Cass asks if he seen anything. Enzo tries to stand, but can’t.

Match 6: Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher vs TJP and Neville
Aries starts with a kick and tosses TJP in the corner. Tag to Jack, and he headbutts TJP then gets a side headlock. TJP reverses and gets one of his own. Tag to Neville. Gallagher gets tossed into the corner and does a headstand. He comes back with a side headlokc. Tag to Aries, and he hops in. Neville stops as Aries hypes up the crowd. Neville leaves the ring.

Back from the break, and Neville has Jack hurting in the corner. He hits a snapmare, then hits a hard kick to the back of the head. Pin for 1..2..NO! Neville gives mean faces to Aries then gets hit by a headbutt. Another. Gallagher goes for a tag, but Neville grabs Jack and sends him face first into the mat. Neville with a stomp to the head of Jack. Kick to the face. Tag to TJP. He steps on the face of Jack and dabs towards Aries. TJP with a headlock. He brings Jack down. Running knee to jack and holds Jack away from a tag. He pulls back on the arm of Jack. Jack looks to flip out of it, but TJP holds onto the hair! HEADBUTT by JACK! He falls. TAG to Neville! Tag to Aries! Chops to Neville. Aries ducks a clothesline, gets hit with a kick. Neville flies for a kick but Aries moves, shin breaker into a suplex. Cover for 1..2….NO! Front face headlock, setting up for Last Chancery, but Neville hits a jawbreaker. Aries with a left hand. Aries hits the ropes, but TJP is there to trip hgim up. He’s looking for a springboard somethin, but Jack is there to pull him off the apron! Aries sends Neville over the top, and he hits TJP and Jack! Aries hits the ropes. Suicide Dive to Neville and TJP! Aries goes to the top rope. He’s standing. He goes for a missile dropkick, but Neville moves.

Neville calls for the end. He hops onto the second rope. Twisting 450 splash gets nothing!!! LAST CHANCERY from Aries! NEVILLE TAPS!!!

Winners: Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher

Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

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The screen that appeared out of nowhere is broken, the dude behind the laptop is gone, Timber is still laid out after the spear, the crowd of 15 is getting restless, and J&J has ran out of Neil Patrick Harris numbers to recreate. He is seated at the bottom step of the stage. He grabs the mic that’s sitting atop a pile of glass. Sadly, he is ready to announce the next category.

“Man….this show has gone from NXT to RAW so quickly! But it must go on, and now it’s time to honor those who are rarely honored! It’s the Forgotten Sons Award!! Your nominees are….

Flibble and Spanky
Benjamin J and Susan Lucci
Lowercase J and Uppercase T from Alphabetrium
EC3 and Will

“And your winners are…..FLIBBLE AND SPANKY!“

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Backstage, Neville is pissed! He’s stopped by Charley, who is wondering how concerned he is about tapping out. Neville has nothing to say about this, and rushes off.

We go back to two weeks ago where Goldust attacked R-Truth.

Another Goldust promo for us! He quotes Psycho from 1960. He says it takes a lot to reach a breaking point. He’s been there, but now he is back in the Director’s chair, where he always belonged. Truth knew the truth, he knew that a star like Goldust was way too big for just a supporting role. Instead of letting him shine like gold, though, Truth held him back. He wanted the spotlight all to himself. Selfish, selfish man. Soon, he gets to put an end to all of that, because their motion picture, Golden Truth, will reach its final crescendo. The ending will not be happy, will not be sad, it will be….GOLDEN. The Golden Age is back.

This bleeds into a 1970’s blacksploitation credit type thing. It’s Truth, in his own seat. He quotes Pulp Fiction. If Goldust wants to play around with the movies, allow him to retort. Movies were an “excape” where he came from. He took a lot of insipration from Shaft, Dolomite. He’s a bad mutha—shut yo mouth. He’s gonna get Goldust, and he will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. “You gonna get got.”

haha

Match 7: Seth Rollins vs Roman Reigns
Lockup to start, and Reigns overpowers Seth. Lockup again, Seth with the go behind. Reigns tries to escape, but Seth rolls him up for a quick pin. Seth with another go behind into a side headlock into a wrist lock. Reigns reverses and Seth tries to escape it. He rolls out of it, trips up Reigns, then hits a standing moonsault. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Reigns leaves the ring like the heel that he isn’t. Reigns saunters on the outside, then walks up the steps. Reigns is back in the ring. Reign swith the go behind this time. Seth locks the head. He misses a right, misses a clothjesline, goes for A Samoan Drop, but Seth drops. He locks the hips, Reigns holds the ropes, turns. Right hand to Seth! Reigns drives Seth into the barricade then gets tossed onto the apron. Reigns sets up for the Drive By, hits it, and Seth is driven into the ringpost. ack in the ring, Seth hits a high knee. He launches himself over the top rope onto Reigns!

Back from a break, and Reigns has the upperhand. Seth is laid out in the corner. Reigns talks shit. Reigns hits the corner, goes for the SUperman Punch, bur Rollins dodges. He sends Reigns into the corner face first. Slingnblade. Reigns goes for an attack on the midsection, but ROllins hits a dropkick. Reigns to the outside. Seth with a suicide dive! He grabs Reigns and sends him back in the ring. Seth with a springboard OH NO! SUPERMAN PUNCH!!! Cover for 1..2….NO!!! Reigns calls for the spear, but Rollins side steps and pins for 1..2..NO!! Kick to the jaw! Pin for 1..2.. NO!! Seth in the corner. Reigns wants a superplex. Seth escapes! He sets up for a powerbomb in the corner, sends him right into it, but Reigns rebounds with a Superman Punch!!!! Both men down!

Rollins rolls to the outside. Reigns heads out as well. He’s looking to spear, but Seth side steps, and Reigns runs into the steps.Seth sends Reigns in the ring. Blockbuster! Cover for 1..2..NO! Rollins up top. He flies with a frogsplash! Pin for 1…2..NO!! Seth isn’t done. He’s back on the top rope, facing the crowd.

Pheonix Splash! Reigns moves! kick to Reigns, but Reigns with a punch. ENziguri from ROllins! Rollins sends him into the ropes! SPEAR! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Roman Reigns
They tried to sell it like a battle for the ages, but it was relatively average.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/2

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Music is playing loudly from an iphone7 in the crowd. The song is “Great Balls of Fire,” and J&J has all but given up on the show. We’ve got one more award to go, and it’s the most important one of the night. The “Commenter of the Galaxy” is bestowed upon the greatest commenter in the Galaxy, and is not to be taken lightly. J&J stands with his mic, and here to announce the nominees is our Lord and Savior, and his “Don’t Call Me Vietnamese” girlfriend, Tony and Vanessa!

Tony comes from the corner by himself.

“Hello everyone, and thank you so much for coming to The Ragsys! It’s been a hell of a night! Sorry the missus couldn’t make it tonight; I honestly don’t know where she went. Anyway…here are your nominees:

Negan
WilliamK99
RodGapely
Bob
Tony Acero (well, well, well)
”

Tony opens the envelope. He’s ready to read the winner. Tony does a double take, seemingly surprised by the result.

“And your winner is….”

Tony shakes his head in disbelief.

“Your winner is….NEGAN!”

Negan comes out to cheers, but he’s not alone!! Negan has a barbed-wire bat in one hand, and Tony’s girlfriend in the other! She’s holding a bottle of Titos and wearing a sly smirk! Negan bites down on a cigar, walks up towards Tony, grabs the award from his hand, laughs a little, then walks away like a bad ass with Tito and Vanessa.

J&J comes over to Tony, who is standing, mouth opened in shock and disappointment, and claps him one on the shoulder.

“Well, at least you’re not AG.”

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