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* Batista kicks off the show
* John Cena vs. The Miz
* WWE Divas Title Match: Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse
* If the Challengers Win, They Get a Tag Title Shot: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase)
-Hot off the heels of a shocking Extreme Rules we head into tonight’s Raw with a new WWE Champion, but for how long. Reports are that Batista is injured and set for surgery as early as tomorrow making the decision to have him take the title last night all the more curious. He opens the show tonight so we’ll find out just how reliable these reports are. Meanwhile where does John Cena go after beating Big Show again in what may have been the most brutally boring submission match in history? Tonight The Miz finally gets his one on one shot. Things started to turn around last week a bit, so here’s hoping tonight the turnaround continues.
-Live from The Cajundome in Lafayette, LA
-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler
-Lillian brings out the new WWE Champion Batista to address the crowd. Batista seems in high spirits, and does not appear to be nursing an injury of any kind. Batista says last night he beat the hell out of Randy Orton, and became a five time World Champion. He says there is a certain sixteen time champion watching, and he wants Ric to know he loves him and this is for him, and all of the fans. Batista says he did it for everyone who is sick and tired of Randy Orton. He says as much as he enjoys this moment, and he enjoys the title this is only the beginning. He says Orton has hurt a lot of people, and he’s going to hurt him back. This is a start, but like he said he will take his pride, his dignity, and…I HEAR VOICES….Randy interrupts and comes out in a rage while still walking at a snails pace to the ring. Legacy surround the ring, and they try to jump Batista. He fights them off at first, but finally the numbers game overwhelms him. They hold Batista down and stomp away at his arm which will surely be the kayfabe explanation for the injury. Orton Pillmanizes the Batista’s arm, as Batista screams “I’M GONNA GET YOU, YOU’LL NEVER GET RID OF ME” Orton pulls back on the arm while it remains wrenched in the chair, and finally yanks back snapping the arm. Orton grabs the belt and takes it back with him as trainers come out to attend to Batista. It appears that Batista did in fact win the title just work the smarts. Did they hire Russo back and not tell anyone?
Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal
Lillian botches the introduction by calling Kofi the Intercontinental Champion. Its been 10 years Lillian. You’re out of excuses. Regal comes out saying the last thing we need is a Jamaican as the US Champ. We need someone with class and dignity, and he believes that as US Champion he can be our savior. Regal grabs a side headlock, but runs into a dropkick. Kofi dives off the top, but Regal meets him with a shot to the breadbasket. Kofi comes back with a sunset flip attempt, but Regal sits down on it to block. Regal hits a standing senton for two, and then drives a pair of knees to the midsection. Regal charges into the corner running into a boot from Kofi who fights back with a trio of chops. Dropkick from Kofi connects and sets up the double legdrop for two. Regal comes back with a knee to the gut for two of his own, and then sets up for the running knee. Kofi moves and goes for Trouble in Paradise which is also ducked. Regal comes back with a forearm, but Kingston is back with the Trouble in Paradise to finish at just 2:06. Why even bother if you’re only giving them two minutes?
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Pinfall-Trouble in Paradise 1/2*)
-Cody tells Orton there is no way Batista is coming back, and Dibiase confirms they broke his arm. Josh Mathews busts in to get thoughts. Orton says he is invoking his rematch clause tonight, and if Batista doesn’t come back to face him he wins by forfeit and he will be WWE Champion again. Gee, couldn’t have seen that coming.
WWE Diva’s Championship: Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse (c)
Hopefully this is better than the abortion of a contest they had a few weeks back. Mickie James comes running out to join Cole and King on commentary. Maryse takes control with a knee lift, and throws Kelly to the mat. They fight over a lockup ending up on the mat somehow, and rolling around randomly. I need a cigarette after that encounter. Kelly hits a pair of forearms, and then they both clothesline each other. Maryse throws Kelly into the second rope for a two count, and then hits a spinning backbreaker for another two count. Kelly hits a sunset flip for two, and then a pair of clotheslines. Kelly hits a crossbody off the second rope for two, and then a hurracanrana gets another two. Kelly goes to the second rope, but gets yanked off by Maryse who hits a DDT to finish at 2:55. Well I’ll give them credit. It was better than the first match. Afterward Maryse slaps Kelly around a bit until Mickie runs her off.
Winner: STILL WWE Diva’s Champion-Maryse (Pinfall-DDT DUD)
-A recap of what has to be the current leader for 2009 Match of the Year. The epic hog pen match.
-Josh Mathews introduces Vickie Guerrero, and asks about Orton’s claim that he will invoke his rematch clause. Vickie says Orton will get his rematch tonight, and if she knows Batista he will be back. Vickie says if Batista doesn’t show he will forfeit the title. She says she has a huge announcement that will change the face of Raw forever.
-Miz runs into Maryse in the locker room, and tells her not to worry because Mickie James isn’t around. She starts talking in French, and Miz tells her its really hot. She says she doesn’t need to speak French because she knows she’s hot. She tells him she’s never seen him beat Cena, and until she’s sees something they have nothing. Miz tells her to watch tonight.
Santino Marella, Goldust, & Festus (w. Hornswoggle) vs. Chavo Guerrero, The Brian Kendrick, & Jamie Noble
Oh wow, what a team. I take back anything I ever said bad about this show. Festus comes out complete with feather boa and Hornswoggle bowler hat. Festus attacks at the bell still wearing his bowler squashing Kendrick in the corner. Festus hits his ass splash off the ropes and tags in Santino who is in with a legsweep. Kendrick fights back with a forearm, and Santino tags in Goldust. Goldust is in with a flying clothesline, but Kendrick fights back with a boot and a tag to Chavo. Chavo fires Goldust into the heel corner and works him over a bit. Snap mare from Chavo sets up a bow and arrow of the arms. Tag to Noble who comes in with an elbow drop, and a forearm to the back of the head. Noble grabs a reverse chinlock, and then dropkicks Festus off the apron. He turns into an inverted atomic drop from Goldust and a backdrop which allows the tag to Santino. Santino hits a back elbow and a trip for two. Kendrick and Chavo make the save but get chased away by Festus. Kendrick throws Hornswoggle into the ring, and Horny stomps his foot. He dives onto Kendrick on the floor, as Santino rolls up Noble to pick up the win at 3:51. Those of you who had your sense of humor surgically removed when you got an internet connection might not of liked it, but I loved the shit out of this match. Really, really, fun stuff.
Winners: Santino Marella, Goldust, & Festus (Santino pins Noble-Rollup **)
The Miz vs. John Cena
Miz comes out with a t-shirt that if they sell it will be a huge hit. Its a simple shirt with a an X through Cena’s name. The back says “I’m awesome.” Miz asks if we can feel it, because tonight is the night we’ve all been waiting for. He says people think he’s all talk, and that he hasn’t backed up anything he said about Cena. He says that’s Cena’s fault because Cena hasn’t accepted his challenges. Miz tells all the Cena apologist they’re bogus for making excuse after excuse on why he hasn’t face him. Tonight Cena has no excuses, no injuries. He says the only thing separating him from going 7-0 is the most overrated athlete in WWE history. A hero to teenage girls, prepubescent boys, and 20-30 year olds who still live at home with their mothers. He says he may not be Tim Allen, but its about to be tool time. Before the bell Big Show wanders out. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE CONTINUING THIS FEUD? Cena kicks Miz out of the ring, and goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Show. Show slides off and delivers a chokeslam, and then locks in his shitty camel clutch. Miz makes the save?!?! He lays out Show with a chair, and then whacks Cena with it as well. Show gets up, and Miz bails. Cena lays motionless in the ring, as Show stares down Miz. No match I guess. What exactly does Cena have to do to end this feud?
Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Matt Hardy
MVP says he doesn’t really know whats going on with the title right now, but he knows if there is going to be a title match next week he’s gotta be in that match. He says if there is any doubt who should get that shot he’s going to put them to rest by beating Matt Hardy. Not sure beating Matt puts the number one contendership to rest, but hey whatever helps you sleep at night Montel. MVP takes control early with a drop toehold for two. He goes to the second rope, but gets yanked off by Hardy for a two count. Hardy delivers a pair of boots to the ribs, and then chokes out MVP on the ropes. Hardy drops down on MVP who was draped across the second rope for a two count, and then locks in a front facelock. MVP sends Hardy into the ropes and hits a throw, and follows up with a series of fistacuffs. Facebuster connects for MVP, and sets up the ballin’ elbow for two. MVP misses a drive by kick in the corner, and Matt follows up with an inverted DDT for two. Matt goes for a shot with the cast, but MVP counters by dropping Matt face first on the top rope. Playmaker finishes at 3:53 for MVP. Nothing much going on here. Just a cliffnotes version of their several encounters in the past.
Winner: Montel Vontavious Porter (Pinfall-Playmaker *)
-A recap of CM Punk’s shocking title win last night.
-Vickie Guerrero is out for her announcement. EXCUSE ME! Vickie says she knows that we are upset that Randy Orton was granted a rematch tonight, but she says the last thing on her mind is making any of us happy. She starts to cry, and says last night she was in a hog pen match and was covered in slop and mud. She says she was never so humiliated and insulted in her life. She says she was looking to us for compassion and sympathy, but all she saw was people laughing at her. She says everyone was taking pictures, and saying “look at the little piggy lady.” She asks where our decency is, and where is our respect? Vickie says she’s had it, and tonight the title match is on. She says she’s tired of the fans laughing at her and making fun of her week after week. She’s come to a decision, and that is that she is RESIGNING AS GENERAL MANAGER OF RAW!!! OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THANK YOU!!! That brings out Edge. What brand split? Edge says last night he said some things in the heat of the moment. Some disprespectful things that he never should have said. He said he wants to make things right, and apologize. She says she’s happy to hear that. Edge then stops her and says a funny thing happened. She quit, and now he doesn’t need to. She says she doesn’t understand, but he tells her that the sky is blue, the grass is green, and he married her for her power. Edge tells her that he wants to become champion at any cost, and since she’s not in power anymore she can’t give him what he wants. She says he doesn’t mean it, but he mockingly says “why, because I love you babe?” He tells her when they went out in public people thought she was her mother. He asks her to look at him, and asks if these people honestly thought he could be in love with a she beast. She starts to cry, and he asks if she thinks crying is going to get her sympathy. He says its him that deserves sympathy. Every time he kissed her he had to rush to the bathroom to dry heave. Edge says the only saving grace is that they never actually consumated the marriage. Edge says its fitting her days in the WWE are over, because so is the marriage. He wants a divorce. Vickie drops to her knees screaming, as the crowd sings the goodbye song to her. I’m not sure, but that might have been an Edge face turn.
-Josh Mathews catches up with John Cena, who says he’s been worse, he just can’t remember when. Cena says a man’s character is measured when his back is against the wall. He says he thought his 500 pound problem was over when he made Show tapped out. He says he hopes Show is listening because if it isn’t over it will be. He calls Miz out for picking a toughest guy in the bar to make a name for himself. He says part of him respects that, but every time they get ready to go someone is there to do the dirty work for him. He says Miz thinks he’s awesome, but we’re going to soon find out how awesome he is.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes vs. The Colons
Dibiase and Rhodes come out all smiles apparently thrilled that they are able to walk to the ring at full speed without Orton there. Joined in progress back from commercial with Rhodes having Primo locked in a side headlock. Primo flips out of a back suplex, and then hits an enzaguri. Tag to Carlito who springboards in with a clothesline, and hits a kneelift. Carlito goes for a springboard moonsault which misses, but he’s right back with a dropkick for two. Dibiase provides a distraction, allowing Cody to attack from behind and make the tag. Dibiase is in to put the boots to Carlito, and deliver a trio of Million Dollar Fistdrops. Standing dropkick from Dibiase gets a two count, and he then locks in a reverse chinlock. Carlito elbows out, and goes for a hiptoss which is countered by Dibiase. He kicks Primo off the apron, and then tags in Rhodes. Primo inadvertently distracts the official allowing Legacy to double team, and Cody follows with a bodyslam. Rhodes kicks Carlito in the head, and makes the tag to Dibiase. Side Russian legsweep connects for a two count as Primo makes the save. Elbow drop connects for Dibiase for a two count, and then a tag is made to Rhodes. Cody drops a knee on the back of Carlito, and tags Ted back in. Dibiase delivers a series of right hands, and then chokes out Carlito with his boot. Rhodes tags in and locks in a modified camel clutch. Carlito fights to his feet, and counters out making the hot tag to Primo. Dibiase tags in as well and gets a back elbow and a dropkick. Primo sprinboards off the second rope with a crossbody, but Rhodes makes the save. He gets chased out, but Dibiase delivers a rollup for two. Rhodes is able to drop Primo on the top rope from the floor, and that sets up Dibiase hitting Dream Street to pick up the win at 7:28. Nothing special, and being joined in progress with the heels already in control didn’t help things any. This grants Legacy a tag title shot at an unspecified date.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes (Dibiase pins Primo-Dream Street *1/2)
WWE Championship: Randy Orton (w. Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase) vs. Batista (c)
I should point out its 10:59 and the main event is just beginning. Orton says that Dibiase and Rhodes just beat the Colons making them number one contenders for the Unified Tag Team Titles. Orton says speaking of Championships he hopes Batista doesn’t use what happened earlier as an excuse, and by golly if you didn’t see it Randy has a recap ready for us. What a guy. Orton reminds us that Vickie Guerrero made the declaration before she resigned. He is entitled to a rematch tonight, and in the unlikely event that Batista doesn’t show he is awarded the title by forfeit. Hilariously Lillian goes through all the intros announcing “BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATISTA!!!!” even with him nowhere to be found. Batista’s music hits, and no one shows. Orton tells the ref to count him out, and they ring the bell. Chioda applies the count, but we see the ambulance arrive and he waves it off. Oh for Christ’s sake just get on with it. We see in the ambulance not Batista, but Triple H with sledgehammer in hand. Trips comes out in a scene eerily similar of a few months back. Its like a fucking rerun. Cody and Ted charge at HHH and of course fail miserably in their attempt at being henchman which leaves just Orton and Trips. Triple H drops the sledgehamer, and then tears off his shirt to reveal he’s not hiding anything. Orton attacks HHH as he gets inside, but HHH turns it around on him. Orton bails to the floor, but HHH is out after him. Orton grabs a chair, but that fails too as HHH continues the assault sending Orton into the announce table. Trips tries to blast Orton with a monitor, but Orton fights him off and takes off running through the crowd. HHH goes in pursuit and catches him in the crowd. HHH fires Orton back into ringside, and Orton grabs the chair and slides back inside the ring. HHH charges at him anyway and delivers a spinebuster. HHH picks up the chair, and blasts Orton with it several times. He destroys Orton’s knees and ribs with the chair, and a wide shot shows that Dibiase and Rhodes are still laid out motionless on the ramp. Now thats funny. HHH gives Orton one final shot to the back of the neck, and then stares him down. Crowd chants Pedigree, so HHH obliges by giving Orton the pedigree on the steel chair. Nice segment, but one question remains…WHO IS THE FUCKING CHAMPION?
Winner: Who the hell knows?
-Okay so Batista never got counted out, but he also didn’t show. I would assume he is no longer champion. Orton was never declared the winner, and may be taken away with an injury angle as well so I can only assume that he isn’t champion either. So I guess we have a vacant title that will be settled next week. I’m not sure how they’ll do that, but it does make for an interesting cliffhanger that should get you to tune in next week. The rest of the show blew chunks, but the return of Triple H and the uncertainty of the title should be interesting enough. I’m just glad they didn’t go with the ultra predictable Orton wins the belt back.
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