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411’s LIVE WWE Raw Report 12.22.14

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RAW!
IS!
CHRIMBUS!!!

Guys, girls, Strippers, and mojo lovers, last week sucked with regards to the recap! So much, in fact, that ol Larrold had to step in! Let’s hope for a better episode this year!

So the show starts with Hogan decked in Santa gear. The Ho Ho Hogan joke is mentioned quite a few times. Tonight, he’s here to spread cheer all over RAW. He starts a Ho Ho Hogan chant. Tonight, we’ll get Ambrose vs Wyatt in a Street Fight, and Reigns vs Big Show as well. Hogan gets cut off by the music of John Cena.

Cena has a super excited face, so this should be great. By great, I mean the total opposite. He calls Hogan an icon. John Cena sings “Let It Go.”

We go to RAW last week where Brock handled Cena like he was a sleeping Sable. Cole says that Rollins cut a deal with Heyman. We Want Lesnar chant. Cena agrees, he wants to kick Lesnar’s teeth down his throat. He says normal people would claim that it wasn’t fair what Lesnar did, or that his career and health were in jeopardy. Normal people are the one with coal in their stockings. After that loss, he changed his Christmas list. All he wants is a match against Rollins.

Rollins is here. Rollins calls this all ridiculous. He does bring up the curb stomp, and maybe that’s why he can’t see what’s wrong with this picture. Rollins says first of all, Cena is out here running his mouth, and no one wants to hear his stupid voice anymore. He’s not out here to disrespect, calls both Hogan and Cena legends. They took the company to heights it’s never seen before. It’s Rollin’s time now, though, and that’s something Cena is going to have to accept. That’s not why he is out here, though. The fact that Hogan is running the show is horrible, it should be The Authority. He calls Hogan a farce. The Authority deserves to be here, smiling, happy, but they are sitting at home sad and depressed. This all started at Survivor Series…wow, this is going on for a long time.

Seth says that Cena had to get help from the most unlikely of places; from The Vigilante, Sting. (ooooh, he said it! He said it!!) Rollins calls Cena lucky that he allowed Cena to get up out of the ring on his own two feet. Rollins wants a Christmas present, too. He wants Cena to do what’s best for business, and bring The Authority back.

Cena tells Rollins to shut up 20 minutes later, then says that Rollins is putting people to sleep. He brings up the year that Rollins has had, and brings up his gall to insult Hogan. Cena brings up his neon green shoes, and how far they can go up Rollin’s ass. He gives Rollins a choice, to come down and get dat ass beat, or walk away. Hogan on the mic, says that since The Authority isn’t coming back, he is going to have to go with an alternative. The alternative? Seth Rollins vs John Cena….NOW.

16 minutes to set that up, guys…..16 minutes.

-Commercial Break-

Match 1: John Cena vs Seth Rollins
Lockup to start. Cena pushes Rollins to the ropes, and Rollins hits a shoulder, knocking Cena down. Both men up, hits the ropes, Cena his an arm drag. Rollins rolls to the outside and talks to J&J. ROllins back in the ring. Cena is distracted, and Rollins kicks, then lays in Cena with the stomps. Cena fires back with a right hand to the gut. Rollins heads up top, flips over with a neckbreaker! Pin for 1…2..NO! Rollins with an elbow to the back of the head. Rollins sends Cena in the corner hard. Cena comes back with a move that sends Rollins ot the mat. We get a double clothesline and Joey Mercury surprises Cena with a hard right.

After a break, Rollins still has the upperhand. Superkick to Cena! Pin for 1…2…NO! Cena sets up for the AA, but ROllins flips out. Cena gets his Five Moves ready for placement, but Seth stops it with a move that is reversed into an STF. Shit breaks down for me and for the match. Rollins with a Buckle Bomb then a pin for 1…2..NO! Cena with the STF! J&J distract! Cena sets BOTH up for the AA at the same time!

Rollins tries for a briefcase shot, misses, and Cena hits the AA on Seth Rollins. Pin for 1…2….3!!!
Official Result: John Cena
In case you were wondering if that win last week would have a lasting effect on John Cena…it didn’t.
RATING: **

Back to the show, and Kane is walkin. He scowls at the Christmas music playing, says Bah Humbug then….that’s it.

Match 2: Jack Swagger vs Fandango
Lockup to start. Swagger with the go behind, and he takes down Fandango. Fandango with a side headlock. Swagger pushes Fandango into the corner. Fandango comes back, and Swagger goes for a german. He tries to lock the Patriot Lock, but Fandango grabs the ropes. Swagger sends Fandango into the corner then knocks his ass out cold. Swagger with the Swagger Bomb, but Fandango puts the foot up. Swagger sees it, and grabs the leg, but Fandango kicks aside. Swagger hits him and hits a Swagger Bomb. Pin for 1…2..NO! Fandango rolls under the ropes. He’s able to kick Swagger. Kicks him again. One more time!
Fandango on the top rope! Leg drop to Swagger! Pin for 1…2….3!!!
Official Result: Fandango
The….fack?
RATING: NR

We are informed that Dolph will face Harper in a rematch for his IC Title tonight!

-Commercial Break-

A New Day with the little pre-recorded church-like promo we’ve seen before. They talk about togetherness.

We are taken back to last Monday when Kane and Rose had themselves a little trouble, complete with Bunny.

Match 3: Adam Rose vs R-Truth
Lockup is stopped. The Bunny is wearing a neckbrace, by the way. Truth offers a dance battle, then just rolls up Rose for the 1…2…3.

Official Result: R-Truth
Ok…
RATING: NR

Afterwards, The Bunny heads in to make Rose feel better, but Rose isn’t having it. His entourage is there, too, trying to pick up the attitude, but Rose hits The Bunny with a spinebuster! He lays in with the kicks then his a running knee, sending the Bunny into the steps. Refs check on the bunny as we go to break.

-Commercial Break-

Match 4: The Big Show vs Roman Reigns
Lockup! Reigns is pushed into the corner. Show just tosses Reigns into the opposite corner, but Reigns is uick and hits some shoulders in the corner. Reigns hits a right, then the ropes, then runs right into a hard shoulder. Big Show with a headbutt. Big Show with an uppercut. Show lifts Reigns, presses him, then drops him on the ropes. Show with a right hand, then Show trips and turns it into a pin for 1…NOPE. Show is up, he grabs the left arm then kicks the chest of Reigns. Show with an uppercut to the chest. Reigns tries to fight back with right hands, but Show hits an uppercut then a body slam. Show hits the ropes then drops an elbow. Pin for 1…NO!

Show with a stomp. ANother. He sends Reigns into the corner headfirst. Show kicks Reigns around a bit then measures him for a stomp. Show with a hard stomp. He locks the arm behind Reigns as the crowd tries to start a BORING chant – which is kind of undeserved. Reigns is up, tries to lock the arm, but Show sends him in the corner. Reigns fires out of the corner with a clothesline, but Show stands tall. One more off the ropes, and Show stands. A final running clothesline knocks Show down. Show hits the ropes. REIGNS WITH A SAMOAN DROP!!!! Wow. Reigns calls for the Superman punch, but Show catches him by the neck. Reigns rolls away and dropkicks the leg of Show. Reigns heads to the outside. Running kick to Big Show who is hanging on the apron! Reigns cocks the arm! SUPERMAN Punch to Show at the announce table!
Reigns heads in the ring at the count of 8. Big Show stands around 9. The ref hits 10, and Reigns wins the match!
Official Result:
I feel both men kept the speed up, which didn’t warrant a boring chant. That ending, though….
RATING: **

Backstage, Renee Young is so happy to announce Dean Ambrose. She wants to know how he has prepared for tonight. He says he’s been a really good boy all year long, hoping for a present – an opportunity tonight. He found something at the Mall of America, but he found a security guard. ALl he wants for Christmas is Bray Wyatt. Every time a bell rings, Bray Wyatt gets a beating. Ambrose tells Renee happy holidays and leaves.

-Commercial Break-

Before the next match, we get a recap of last week where Tyson Kidd was checking on Nikki before raising her hand in the air.

Match 5: Brie Bella vs Natalya
Lockup in the middle of the ring. Brie goes behind, but Nattie breaks it then shoves Brie’s face and kicks her. nattie locks the left arm, but Nttie attracks the back. Fireman’s carry takedown and an arm lock by Brie. Tyson is looking super douche tonight. Nattie rolls out of the arm lock and tries to reverse, but Brie kicks the back a few times. Brie sends Nattie into the corner. Nattie hops up top, but Brie grabs the legs and pulls Nattie off. Pin for 1…2..NO! Nattie backs up in the ropes. Brie hits a few knees then BRIE MODES!! Running knee to Nattie. Brie wants to give hger another one….she does just that! Brie grabs the head of Nattie, rolls her over, and pins for 1….2..NO! Brie with a submission as Nikki stares at her title outside of the ring. Nattie stands and turns then snapmares Brie out of the hold. Brie hits a quick clothesline, though. Pin for 1…2..NO! Brie blows a kiss to Tyson….for some reason. Brie stomps Nattie on the chest then locks in another submission. Right hands from Nattie as she fights out of the submission. Brie rolls out, but Nattie rolls through.
Sharpshooter attempt into a rollup from Brie! 1…2.NO! Nattie rolls it over for a pin of her own! 1…2….3!!!
Official Result:
Not bad…but felt longer than Reigns and Show
RATING: *1/2

Nikki on the apron. Nattie is here. She knocks Nikki off the apron!! Nattie grabs the title and holds it up, and the crowd likes the idea! She puts it back down as Brie checks on Nikki outside the ring.

-Commercial Break-

The Ascension has a little preview of themselves for us, and welcomes us to the Wasteland. Much excite.

A little in-screen promo Cody calls Rudolph a lazy fuck that only works one night a year. haha.

Is it really the fifth match already? El Torito comes out with a red nose and antlers.

Match 6: Los Matadores vs Goldust and Stardust
Cody in the ring. He tells ech of the Matadores that he doesn’t want either of them, he wants the Bull. Tag to the Bull, and I guess this is a 3-on-2. Cody is Green with envy….He slaps Torito. Torito with a kick to the shin. He dodges a running Cody, sending him to the outside. Torito runs and lands on Cody’s shoulders. Torito with an arm drag. Cody is upset. He heads back in the ring and tags in Goldust. Torito headbutts him then runs to tag in Mat 1. Pin for 1…2..NO! Goldust kicks out then sends Mat 1 into the ringpost. Goldust to the outside and hits a right hand. He heads back in and hits some stomps. Goldust with a right hand then a cravat from behind. Goldust is up. Tag to Cody. They double team but Matador sends Goldust to the outside then Cody over the rope on the apron. Cody lands on his feet and pulls down Matador 1. Cody goes up top, flies, right into a dropkick. Tag is made by Matador 1 to 2! Goldust is in as well! Fernando flies off with a clothesline. Spinningback elbow. Again. Chop in the corner by Fernty. Whip is reversed by Goldust, but GOldust hits a right. Hurricanrana from Ferny. He goes for a monkey flip, but Goldust stops it and rops him! Goldust tries to slingshot, but Fernando lands on the ropes. Tag from El Torito! He flies in.
Goldust catches El Torito and accidentally swings him into Cody. Fernando is there to hit a backbreaker then scurries out! El Torito runs over Goldust and flips into a pin. 1…2…3!!!
Official Result:
Obviously, a Christmas episode…
RATING: 1/2*

This time a year, people like to give, but not him. He likes to take. He likes to take things away. Tonight, he will give himself a present. He is going to hurt Dolph Ziggler, and take the Intercontinental Championship.

-Commercial Break-

Match 7: Intercontinental Championship Match
Dolph Ziggler vs Luke Harper
While Garcia was doing the super cool announcing, Harper cheap shots Dolph with a big boot! He sends Dolph to the outside then hits a suicide dive between the ropes! He heads to the outside! Grabs Dolph. Sets up for a powerbomb, but Dolph hops over! Harper grabs him, though, and hits a hard side slam! Or whatever Abyss’s finisher was called. Harper tosses Dolph back into the ring then rolls in. The ref stops Harper and waits for Dolph to get up. Harper isn’t having it, though. He grabs the shirt of Dolph and rips it off. Harper is ready. Dolph is up, and the match starts officially. Harper with a hard POWERBOMB to Ziggler! Pin for 1…2…NO!! Harper lifts Dolph, sends him in the corner. Hard throat uppercut. DOlph crawls along the ropes. Harper with another right to the chest. Harper pulls on the nose of Dolph. He points to the head of the ref. haha. Nice. Dolph tries to fight back but Harper grabs the legs and chokes Ziggler up on the ropes. Ziggler rolls to the outside. Harper is nuts.

We’re back and Harper hits a hard dropkick to Ziggler. Ziggler rolls out of the ring again. Harper heads to the outside. Harper grabs Dolph, but Dolph goes for a superkick! Harper catches it!! Harper sends Dolph into the announce table!!! Harper rolls ZIggler in the ring. Pin for 1…..2…NO! Harper with a cravat from behind. Harper with a…damnit a kid walked in front of me!! Pin for 1…2..NO! Harper with a Pumphandle…wow, FALL AWAY SLAM! Pin for 1…2…NO!!! Ziggler tries a quick rollup! Pin for 1…2…NO! Harper is up. He goes for a suplex, but Dolph lands on his feet. Hard right anyway from Harper. Michinoku driver called correctly by Cole and King says, “What did you call that move?” Pin for 1…2…NO! Harper sets Dolph up for the powerbomb! He gets Dolph up! DOLPH REVERSES INTO A PIN!! 1…2..NO! Harper with a kick to the face of Dolph!!!! Harper up in the corner. He waits for Dolph. Harper goes for the discus punch! Ziggler goes for a Superkick! This turns Harper! HARPER STILL HITS THE CLOTHESLINE! Pin for 1…2…NO!!!!!! Wowza!!

Harper sets up for another powerbomb, but Ziggler hits a facebuster! FAMEASSER to HARPER!!!Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Both men are on their knees! Right from Dolph! Right from Harper. Right from Dolph! Right from Harper!
DOlph goes for another Fameasser, Harper blocks it! Superkick! Another Superkick! This turns the head of Harper! ZIG ZAG!! Pin for 1…2….3!!!!
Official Result: Dolph Ziggler
HOLY SHIT! Hell of a match!
RATING: ***1/2

After the match, King enters the ring and it’s the first time I see his outfit. It’s ridiculously hideous. He asks Dolph how he pulled off the win. Dolph says us. It’s been a long road. He found a way to crawl and scratch through it all in the WWE. He’ll be damned if someone is going to take this title from him. That is that.

Roddy Piper is here. He says that we look great. He says that both Rusev and Lana have asked to come down here because they have a special Christmas message for all Americans. The crowd boos, and he hilariously claims “we’re judging.” He introduces Rusev and Lana. Piper wants to get straight to the point, and so does Lana. She says Christmas in America is a joke. It’s the one time a year that we pretend to be good people. WE put on our fake smiles and have “holiday cheer,” but we also actually believe in a bloated old man that delivers gifts to our spoiled American brats.

Piper cuts her off, gets all crazy on em, says we believe in what we want to. Lana no sells him. Man, she’s lookin super hot tonight. She says to believe in this: We see Rusev’s attack on Ryback on Smackdown. Rusev wants to know if we believe now that he can crush Ryback. FEED ME MORE chant. He then says he can crush Roddy. He’s Hot Rod, full of Christmas joy! There’s no need for them to be a couple of Communist Scrooges. He repeats it, then says he’s a nice guy and likes Rusev, liked him so much that he personally went out and got them a gift, and even put a bow on it.

It’s RYBACK! He’s got a bow attached to him. haha. Rusev exits! Ryback attacks! He sends Rusev into the barricade hard. Rusev tries to reverse but Ryback drives him into the barricade then rolls him into the ring! Ryback in the ring, but Tusev stomps hard!! He goes for a SUperkick but Ryback grabs! Body slam to the mat!!! Ryback hits the corner! FEED! ME! MORE! Rusev struggles to stand! He turns! Ryback goes for it, but Rusev drops and rolls out of the ring quickly! Rusev grabs his title and heads up the ramp with Lana. Roddy holds Ryback’s hand up in the air.

We go ringside for some masturbatory advertising then a recap of Earlier Tonight.

-Commercial Break-

Match 8: Alicia Fox, Emma, and Naomi vs Summer Rae, Cameron, and Paige
We’re starting with Emma and Sumer Rae. Summer does some type of hair flip. Emma mocks her then ducks a few right hands. Emma shoves Summer. Summer runs and trips over Emma. Pin for 1…2..NO! Summer backs Emma in the corner. Paige holds her hair. Tag to Cameron. Cameron with the Codebreaker and a pin for 1…2..NO! Cameron sends Emma into the mat face first. Paige tags herself in. The crowd loves her. Paige with a headbutt to Emma. Paige sets Emma on the second rope. Hard knees to the chest. Paige with a cover. 1…2..NO! Paige pulls Emma down then mounts her. Paige with a pin for 1…2.NO! Paige with a hold from behind. Paige sends Emma down into the mat, causing the back of her head to hit it. Emma is able to hit a kick, but both girls hit a double clothesline. Emma reaches, tags in Naomi. Naomi ducks a clothesline. Splash, dropkick. Whip is reversed, but Naomi does a flippity flip over the ropes on the apron, kicks Cameron hard in the face, then hits a Stunner over the ropes!! She heads in and pins for 1…2..NO! Summer is in to break up the pin but Fox comes in. Paige sends her out. Paige with the kick. She is sent out! Tag to Alicia. Cameron tries to stop it.
Whip is reversed, Cameron tries for roll up, but Alicia places her leg around the head of Cameron, and slams her down face first. Pin for 1….2…3!!!
Official Result: Naomi, Alicia Fox, and Emma

RATING: *

-Commercial Break-

Match 9: The Miz vs Jey Uso
Miz is distracted by the adulation of Sandow so much that Jey tries for a roll up and gets 1…2..NO! Miz sends Jey in the corner, kicks, then does a headlock takedown to Jey. Jey tries to break the hold, backs Miz in the riopes, but is met with a shoulder block. Miz hits the ropes, ducks a clothesline, then gets sent to the outside! Sandow tumbles beside him. Jey hits the ropes. Suicide dive to Miz! Jey sends Miz back in then gets on the top rope. Miz stops him and stomps Jey on the ground. Miz hits the ropes. Boot to the face. Cover for 1…2..NO! Miz pulls back on the nose of Jey. He locks in a cravat then stares at Jimmy with his douche face. Right hands from Jey. Miz sends Jey down to the mat. The crowd chants for Mizdow. Miz hits the ropes and runs right into a Samoan Drop. Miz in the corner. Jey sees it. He runs for the butt splash, but Miz is up! He goes for the SCF but Jey gets out.
Miz goes for the Figure Four, but Uso pushes out then sets up for Samoan drop one more time! Roll up from Jey gets 1…2..NO! Miz reverses and holds the tights! Pin for 1…2…3!!!
Official Result: The Miz
Nice way to keep the story going, even if the match was a bit one-note
RATING: *

-Commercial Break-

Bray on the mic. He says he can’t help but notice how people want to surround themselves with everyone they love during the holidays. He started wondering why that is.

Match 10: Miracle on 34th Street Fight Match
Bray Wyatt vs Dean Ambrose

Official Result:

RATING: