wrestling / Columns

Cook’s WWE FastLane 2017 Report Card

March 5, 2017 | Posted by Steve Cook
Credit: WWE

Hi, hello & welcome to the WWE FastLane Report Card! The Report Card is a new thing I’m doing with the WWE Pay Per Views/Network Events where I’m grading individual wrestlers & tag teams based on their performance. I started with Elimination Chamber and I’m not going to stop until the man tells me to. Here’s how I grade the WWE SuperStars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

We’re at the last stop (minus the Raws, SD Lives, 205 Lives & whatever else) on the Road to WrestleMania and we’re hopping into the FastLane! I expect a good show tonight because 411’s JUSTIN WATRY is in attendance and WWE will be on their best behavior to keep him happy.

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Kickoff Show Match: Rich Swann & Akira Tozawa vs. The Brian Kendrick & Noam Dar (w/Alicia Fox)

What’s Brain Kendrick’s plan these days? Apparently it’s to make the young boys respect him, as that along with the love story with Dar & Fox is the story here. Kendrick’s going to make Tozawa wait, and Tozawa’s going to scream at Noam Dar. Tozawa still doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head, but Swann can help him out with that sometimes. Foxy keeps Swann & Tozawa from diving, which is good because we can’t have too much excitement in the cruiserweight matches. Swann goes kinda crazy off the hot tag but soon falls in line. Dar & Kendrick dominate the next few minutes until Tozawa tags in. Now they’re going to do the dives because Alicia fell asleep at the wheel. Kicks for everybody! Swann puts both down with kicks, Tozawa eliminates Kendrick with a german suplex, and Swann hits the Phoenix Splash on Dar for a three count!

Winners: Rich Swann & Akira Tozawa

Solid opener. The crowd reaction (there was some) highlights why the 205 Live show should either air live at 7 EST on WWE Network or be taped at 7 EST for airing later. Fans always love the first people that come out on a show. All four guys were on point and things went well. No complaints here.

Swann & Tozawa: B
Dar & Kendrick: B

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Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe

Good choice to open the PPV portion of the show. Zayn & Joe are quality performers & popular with the audience. I approve of the “Jack Tunney Is My President” sign. Zayn should never try to shoulderblock Joe. Or arm drag him. Or anything other than a head scissors because that works on everybody. Joe’s jabs work on everybody too. Time for Joe to beat the crap out of Sami for awhile and build some sympathy for the kid. The old Bow & Arrow, shades of WWF No Mercy! I love when Joe does things like roll into Zayn’s knees. I don’t love when he does things like sell Sami Zayn clotheslines, but sometimes you gotta do things like that. Blue Thunder Bomb gets 2 for Sami. Sami goes up top and does nothing, Joe fires back & gets a near fall with the running senton splash. Powerslam gets 2. Sami’s playing dead, but he was just playing. Since when does Sami take shortcuts? Enziguri by Joe & they’re going for a superplex…Sami goes for a sunset flip powerbomb, no dice, he runs into an STJoe & now it’s the Coquina Clutch. Sami’s out and the match is over.

Winner: Samoa Joe

It didn’t quite hit the next level for me, but still a decent outing for both guys. Joe is really good as a destroyer & Zayn is really good at taking a beating and keeping on keeping on. I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of this and this was just an appetizer for something bigger later on.

Joe: C
Zayn: C

Charly Caruso is one of my favorite performers on Raw these days. She’s just tremendous. She interviews Bayley and Niz Jax came in for some reason. I wasn’t paying attention cause Charly.

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WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass

The Internet has turned pretty strong on Enzo & Cass lately, which makes sense because the same thing happened to the New Age Outlaws back in the day. We complained about their meh matches and saying the same things every week, but the Outlaws were always over with live crowds & did well at the merch stands. So I don’t blame WWE for not listening to us on this one. Enzo is just the most awkward looking guy at wrestling stuff, at least the most awkward looking WWE guy I’ve seen since Mr. McMahon. He takes a beating from Gallows & Anderson for awhile and it goes…ok. Like I said earlier, the fans buy it though. Karl Anderson trying to perfect the chinlock, but he’s got nothing on a nice Randy Orton chinlock. Enzo gets the better of G & A on the outside, but he ends up being way too far away for a tag. Whoops. Cass eventually gets the hot tag and he’s a house of fire. They get a near fall on a modified Rocket Launcher, then it all breaks down. Knee strike to the face wins it for Anderson…Enzo had his foot on the ropes but Gallows pushed it off. Nice heeling.

Winners: Gallows & Anderson

Good crowd heat for this match, which I give Enzo & Cass credit for. My Twitter was blowing up against them, but the fans in Milwaukee were all in. The work wasn’t the most technical, but it was what the crowd was hoping to see. I’m a lenient grader when the fans are buying in, as that’s a major part of the assignment. Gallows & Anderson were decent enough, but were really just kinda there. I did dig some of Anderson’s offense & the finish was clever.

Enzo & Cass: B-
Gallows & Anderson: C+

Do I care about Stephanie McMahon on a speaker phone? No.

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Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

Hopefully this goes better than their Royal Rumble match, which was a complete squash win for Nia. It’s very similar early on, as Nia dominates & stretches Sasha out. I like Nia’s trash talking a lot more than her offense. It’s not move for move their Rumble match, but it’s been pretty darn close early on. Sasha briefly has some offense with a guillotine choke, and then gets a sleeper. There’s another sleeper. Sasha getting some more offense this time, so she’s moving in the right direction. DDT into the Bank Statement! Fans go crazy, but that’s not happening. Chokeslam by Jax and a legdrop on the back. Banks reverses the Samoan Drop into a rollup and gets the three count!

Winner: Sasha Banks

Banks’ win here should put her back in the title picture for WrestleMania, which I assume will also involve Charlotte & Bayley. Hopefully not Nia, she’s not ready for that yet. The match served that purpose, but it wasn’t anything you need to see.

Banks: B
Jax: C-

Mick Foley promised singles matches for Jinder Mahal & Rusev on the Kickoff Show. They come out separately and start brawling for no apparent reason, then Cesaro & Sheamus make their entrance. Since Cesaro is the one stripping he must be in the match.

Jinder Mahal vs. Cesaro

Good luck, Cesaro! Michael Cole declares this a “bonus match”, which leads me to quote CM Punk from some ROH show commentary a long time ago: “In whose eyes is this a bonus?” Eh, it should be fine as long as Cesaro is the one doing things. He catches a leapfrogging Mahal in mid-air because he’s a freak like that. That hurts his back though, and the tide turns. Uh oh. I mean…it isn’t the worst thing ever. But you know it’s getting rough when the commentators are talking about how the WrestleMania sign is a motivating factor. Cesaro eventually comes back and its time for uppercuts! Swiss19 & a flying bodypress gets 2. Jinder comes back briefly, but jumps into an uppercut for a three count.

Winner: Cesaro

Well, I can see why this wasn’t previously announced.

Cesaro: B-
Mahal: D+

Rusev beats up Mahal after the match and I assume I’m supposed to care somehow. Oh, the hits keep coming.

Rusev (w/Lana) vs. The Big Show

The USA chants start, at least they waited until now to do it because I was going to lose it if they chanted USA during Cesaro vs. Mahal. I kind of feel bad for Show getting into this shape to put Shaquille O’Neal over at WrestleMania & Shaq being all like “nah dawg”. He takes out his frustrations on Rusev for awhile. Just when I’m wondering if Rusev gets to do anything in this match or not, he chop blocks Big Show & goes on the offense. The ol’ leglock by Rusev leads to Show kicking his way out. Side slam gets a nearfall for the Showster. Rusev runs into a goozle, but blocks the chokeslam & takes out the knee. Boot to the face! Another! Will Rusev kill the Giant? Did he say something about prematch cupcakes? I’m not sure, but I do know he ate a chokeslam, and then Big Show pulled his straps down to deliver another one. He delivers three chokeslams, then knockout punches Rusev in the corner. I guess the multiple finishers are supposed to put Rusev over? Maybe? Hell if I know.

Winner: Big Show

This was a match and it was there. I really don’t have much else to say about it. It’s never a good sign for your career when we either think you’re getting punished for getting a haircut, or if it’s just your lot in life.

Big Show: C
Rusev: D

Pretty good interview by Kevin Owens with Charly. As much as I liked him & Jericho together, he’s a lot better off by himself. Austin Aries shows off his package. Video, that is.

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WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville (c) vs. Jack Gallagher

Gallagher’s a fun guy. He doesn’t seem like the champion type, but I would have said the same thing about the Outlandish Rich Swann and they put the belt on him, so who knows. He does headstands & interesting things early, so Neville takes the advantage to shut that down. I like Neville’s heel act, but it has the side-effect of taking away the interesting things about him and putting audiences to sleep. GALLAGHER FLIES! The wounded duck plancha, as Aries calls it. Neville comes back with a nasty German, and then a nearfall on a Phoenix Splash. Galalgher headbutts Neville twice and gets a very close nearfall. Is it just me or do the standards for a “This is Awesome” chant get lower by the show? Those headbutts are nice though. Neville busts out the Red Arrow for the three count.

Winner: Neville

Gallagher definitely brought his bumping boots tonight. Gotta watch out for those head shots, man. Pretty solid Cruiser match, but I can’t say I was as into it as the Twitter people were. Is it because I haven’t seen 205 Live in several weeks? I dunno…it was a good match, but not great.

Gallagher: B+
Neville: B

Paul Heyman is here! He’s not telling us whether or not Brock Lesnar will show up, though.

The New Day comes out with a New Day Bike sponsored by New Day Pops. Big E starts singing Randy Orton’s song cause he’s been sippin. I guess they’re going to have New Day Pops at WrestleMania. Well, that’s one reason to tune in! It really seems like they’ve run out of ideas for these guys other than different colored t-shirts & different food items. But if I was a member of the New Day getting a piece of that action, I’d be perfectly fine with it.

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Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman

Roman Reigns is now the experienced veteran around here. Wrap your head around that. Braun has made some very unfortunate tattoo choices over the years. He’s also been very popular lately, which I’ve yet to understand but I’m willing to give it a chance. Roman leaps over the steps a couple of times to show off and rams Strowman into them. This is just a fight right now, which is the type of match this should be, honestly. Now Braun goes on offense and throws Reigns around like yesterday’s garbage. Excuse me. He’s tossing THE BIG DOG around like yesterday’s garbage. Reigns seems to have forgotten his wrestling boots for this one, unless wearing hightops for his matches is what he does now. There are few places I’d rather be than in a Braun Strowman chinlock. It just seems…unseemly. Reigns fights back. Nice to see Bray Wyatt in the front row for this one. Demon Finn Balor’s been hanging out there all night too. Red Sox fan is giving somebody the business over there while Brawn clears the Spanish announce table. Why does Michael Cole think those announcers are from Spain? Those ring posts are getting a work out tonight. Roman hits a Samoan Drop, which has to be the move of the night at this point since Braun hit one earlier too. Braun blocks the Superman punch and hits…something. Then it’s a power bomb variation for two. Braun totally wakes up the crowd by putting Reigns through the Spanish announce table. Spear by Reigns gets a 2 count. Reigns is shocked because that move puts everybody down, brother. Strowman jumps head first into the ring post, Superman punch, Superman punch, and Reigns runs right into Strowman. Strowman goes up top. Because why not? He misses the splash. SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR. It’s over.

Winner: Roman Reigns

Yeah, I just wasn’t feeling any of this. The guys worked hard, but it was another one of those manufactured things that are supposed to get Roman Reigns over as the Messiah and I’m just not sold. Sorry. I’m not sure Braun Strowman’s first loss is a big deal that should have been saved for later on or anything like that, but giving yet another honor to Roman Reigns seems like a waste of time to me.

Reigns: B
Strowman: B

Mick Foley tells Samoa Joe that Stephanie McMahon & Kevin Owens wouldn’t want him to get involved in the Universal Title Match. There will be HELL TO PAY if he does. Well that’s just going to motivate Joe to do something stupid…if there’s enough time in the match for him to actually do anything, which I kinda doubt.

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WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match: Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair

Speaking of people being undefeated, Charlotte’s still undefeated in singles matches on PPV. Bayley’s giving it to her early though. I’ve definitely jumped on the Charlotte bandwagon since she got to the main roster. She has an athleticism & a presence about her that the other ladies don’t quite match. She dominates using a headscissors & the infamous skullf*** move. She asks Bayley where Sasha is now. Charlotte actually hit the moonsault? That has about the same success rate as Ric’s top rope moves. I guess they’re allowed to use the word “fan” now since Charlotte keeps saying it. Bayley comes back. I haven’t typed as much about this match because I’ve actually been into it, which isn’t great for writing purposes but what can ya do. Bayley’s offense isn’t as crisp as Charlotte’s, which plays into the characters here. Charlotte’s a superstar athlete with wrestling in her blood & Bayley is a fan that got into wrestling. She doesn’t have the cool moves, but she’s got the desire. She also has a top rope rana and a Macho Man elbow drop for a two count. Charlotte retakes control though, and things look dire for Bayley. Natural Selection! Two count! Bayley fights back but then Charlotte does the old “throw Flair off the top rope move” to Bayley on the floor. Then Sasha Banks runs down to ringside to create a distraction, and Bayley hits the Bayley to Belly on the floor! Charlotte with the small package, but Sasha points out that Charlotte is pulling the tights! That leads to a Bayley to Belly and a victory!

Winner: Bayley

OK, most of us didn’t see that one coming. Charlotte’s PPV streak had to end eventually, and Bayley breaking it makes as much sense as anything. There’s also the Sasha involvement that will surely be leading to something down the road. The only problem is that finishes like this completely go against the Bayley character. She’s not somebody that should be getting cheap victories with help from somebody else, even if Sasha means well and this time she didn’t actually physically get involved. The ending would hurt the star rating, but since we’re doing grades here I can’t punish them for booking.

Bayley: B
Charlotte: B+

Something’s telling me this main event isn’t going long. I sure hope it doesn’t, as I’d like at least a little bit of sleep before work tomorrow morning.

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WWE Universal Championship Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Goldberg

10:55 and Goldberg hits the entranceway. And we needed those Mahal & Rusev matches…why? I also wonder why there’s barbed wire in Owens’ entranceway image when I’m pretty sure he’s never been in any kind of barbed wire match. I’m sure somebody will correct me if I’m wrong on that. Anyway, it’s 11:00 and the bell hasn’t rung yet as Owens wanders around outside the ring. I remember when I was a kid and I loved when the PPVs ran long. Now I’m old and I want them to go home on time. Owens has picked a fine time to do the first cardio of his life. Chris Jericho chooses this moment to make his entrance. The bell rings. Spear. Jackhammer. Thanks for coming.

Winner: Goldberg

Jericho has a nice sparkly shirt reminiscent of his shirt for his previous debuts and returns. There is a segment of the audience that really wanted to see Goldberg and are really excited that he’s the Universal Champion. I am not one of those people. No grade because this wasn’t really a match. And what the heck was the point of Foley telling Joe to stay out of it? Who knows.

As for the show overall…call it a C for the work and a D for the writing. There were a couple of memorable moments and most of the matches were at least decent, but it was a real slog to get through. If you haven’t seen it, just catch Raw Monay night and save yourself the three hours.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on the Cincinnati Bengals, Cincinnati Reds, Nashville Predators, Tottenham Hotspur & University of Louisville sports teams, follow him on Twitter!