Cook’s WWE Great Balls of Fire Report Card

Hi, hello & welcome to the WWE Great Balls of Fire Report Card! The Raw brand is back with some interesting looking matchups on paper. Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe is one of those matches we never thought we would see. Roman Reigns & Braun Strowman meet again, Sasha Banks & Alexa Bliss meet for their first of possibly many championship matches, and somehow Enzo & Big Cass are booked against each other. It’s a wild world, man.

Here’s how I grade the WWE Superstars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville (c) vs Akira Tozawa (w/Titus O’Neil): Michael Cole & Booker T are too big for the preshow, so we get Corey Graves and the new 205 Live guy doing this match. Tozawa doing the AH before the match is a good way to try and get the crowd hyped, which has been a problem for cruiserweight matches. Nice back & forth early, then Neville goes into the slow-down game with BIG STOMPS. Stereotypical cruiserweight offense. Nice kicks though. Titus is the best manager I’ve seen in ages as far as ringside behavior goes. Paul Heyman is great on the mike, but his ringside acumen lacks because nobody thinks he can hurt anybody and he doesn’t do much to rally the crowd or get heat. To be fair, he doesn’t need to. Titus can do these things. Tozwa can come back and do a couple of dives in a row into Neville! Nice catch by Neville, but Tozawa locks in the octopus stretch! Neville gets to the ropes. Tozawa gets crotched on the top rope and that might be the difference maker. Especially when Neville kicks the top rope. A spin kick ends it for Neville.

Decent enough little match. Nothing extraordinary, but good to get the crowd going.

Grades
Neville: B-
Tozawa: B-

OK, the opening video was pretty enjoyable. A solid A to the production team there. Boss Vision! Michael Cole mentions this is the first-ever Great Balls of Fire PPV, which makes me wonder if there will be a day twenty years from now when Great Balls of Fire is one of WWE’s major events every year. A big four traditional event like WrestleMania & SummerSlam. Probably not, but it’d be funny.

Seth Rollins vs Bray Wyatt: Bray still does have a cool entrance, so at least he’s got that going for him. All the international announcers saying “Great Balls of Fire”. Nice. Who the heck is Parkway Drive? I like how Bray took offense to being called a coward, but apparenly was ok with being called a false prophet. He is what he is. With Bray calling himself a god and Alexa Bliss calling herself a godess, maybe JoJo should watch her back. Bray takes the advantage and lands the Cowboy Bob Orton superplex. Rollins may have a wrist issue after that one, Bray’s big ol head landing on it had to suck. I have a feeling that Booker T’s grunting after every big shot is gonna get real old real quick. Rollins fires back and hits a…dive. Not quite a Phenomenal Forearm gets a two count. Sling Blade & a Blockbuster gets a two count. Rollins using moves from all of the best wrestlers in the world here. Rollins fights out of Sister Abagail, hits an enziguri but Bray whacks him with a clothesline soon after. Rollins counters a suplex attempt into a Falcon Arrow for two. Rollins goes up top, Wyatt crotches him and hits a modified Franchiser for a two count. I haven’t seen that move in ages. Standing Rock Bottom gets 2 for Wyatt. Wyatt tells Rollins to fight him, and tells the fans that this is what a god looks like. Rollins goes nuts for a second before Wyatt kicks his surgically repaired knee. He then goes to the eye, and hits Sister Abagail for the three count!

Wyatt winning & Rollins losing are two rare results. Decent little match here, I appreciate some good old-fashioned cheating like eye poking and kicks to previously injured body parts. Bad guys doing bad guy things. Good times.

Grades
Rollins: B
Wyatt: B

Charly Caruso gets an A. The Hardys talk about breaking bars, which I thought they stopped doing.

Enzo Amore vs Big Cass: Enzo gets some promo time pre-match, which makes sense because it’s his thing. He compares his life to “That’s Life” by Frank Sinatra. Dude is killing it here. I don’t know why the Internet hates Enzo, but from where I sit he might be the best promo on the roster. Too bad he doesn’t have “Big” in front of his name like Cass does, who also has new generic music, a generic Titantron video and some generic tights. Nothing says star like all that generic. He gets pretty much all of the offense in this match. Fallaway slam is a nice move to put in the moveset, the rest is…generic. He decides to attempt to murder Enzo via gorilla press to the outside. Enzo does make it back in just before the ten count. Big Boot gets the three count.

Big Cass gets the win, but tonight solidifies my opinion on who the “star” of the team was. Enzo doesn’t have the physical tools that Cass has, but he has all of the personality & charisma. Cass will get a chance because he’s Big, but I’m going to need to see something more than that to buy into him than anything else other than a heater in a tag team.

Grades
Enzo: A (mostly for the promo, but the selling was good too)
Cass: C

30-Minute Iron Man Match For The Raw Tag Team Championship: Sheamus & Cesaro vs The Hardys: Sometimes people want Cesaro to be this big singles star. I like him in the tag team scene because every tag team he’s in becomes magical. Chrs Hero, Tyson Kidd, Sheamus…even his team with Jack Swagger had some pretty good moments. Sheamus gets the first fall on Matt Hardy within 20 seconds of the match starting. I don’t think I’ve seen a fall that early in an Iron Man match, so that’s unique. Sheamus beats on Brother Nero for a little bit until Matt tags back in and throws some heavy lumber. Some “DELETE” head smashes into the ring apron. Cesaro interferes in the proceedings behind the ref’s back, but Matt attacking Cesaro is in full view. Booker claims that Sheamus & Cesaro have youth on their side…they’re 39 & 36 so they don’t have that much youth on their side. Not a whole lot going on here as Jeff Hardy gets various holds worked on him. Matt gets knocked off the apron so Jeff isn’t able to tag him. Assisted Kryptonite Krunch gets the second fall & Cesaro/Sheamus are up 2-0 a little less than ten minutes in. Matt finally gets the hot tag and there’s a lot of deleting going on. With the proper crowd they don’t even really need the gimmick. Poetry in Motion, Side Effect and a Twist of Fate to Cesaro lead to a 2-1 score with 17 minutes left. The Hardys keep control with a Poetry in Motion to the outside…but Cesaro rams Matt’s head into the ring post and he gets counted out! Sheamus & Cesaro go up 3-1 with 13 minutes left, which we all know never ends well for anybody. Cesaro should yell HEY more often. Matt gets beat on for awhile, but a Side Effect with an improper cover gets two. Cesaro locks in the Sharpshooter, but Jeff breaks it up. He hits his split rollup to make it 3-2 with 7 minutes left. Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick on Jeff, but Matt manages to tag in and hit a tornado DDT for a near-fall. Matt hits a moonsault for a near-fall, and I’m biting the hell out of my tongue just in case his wife’s reading this. The ref gets a “You Suck” chant because the fans didn’t think Cesaro broke that up in time (he didn’t). Matt does manage to hit a Twist of Fate off the top to make it 3-3 with a little less than 3 minutes left. Jeff back in with a wounded Sheamus, a double-team move gets another near-fall. My Network feed went a little crazy at the end of this, what I did see involved Cesaro pinning Jeff after Jeff hit the Swanton on Sheamus with 30 seconds left. Cesaro runs around like a madman…Jeff hits the Twist of Fate but it’s too late! Chesaro retain 4-3. I missed Matt’s eye exploding, apparently.

I was a little worried about this one going in, but the Hardys hung in there and did a good job. Some difficulties keep us from rating this one higher, but it definitely exceeded my expectations.

Grades
Sheamus & Cesaro: B
Hardys: B

Ray Rougeau holding it down on the French announce team.

Raw Women’s Championship Match: Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks: Sasha with the early advantage here, some fun arm drags and kicks & things like that. The Alexa funky arm trick is pretty cool & disturbing at the same time, and it leads to an advantage for Little Miss Bliss. The announcers haven’t seen it before since they don’t watch SmackDown. After Sasha attempts a Bank Statement, Alexa declares she doesn’t need this and tries to walk off. Sasha brings her back, so Alexa can trip her on the ring apron. Maybe she should have let her leave. Alexa stretches Sasha out some and delivers a nice backbreaker. Booker keeps saying styles make fights and I’m really not sure why. Sasha suplexes Alexa into the corner and goes on the offensive. Running knee gets two. Alexa comes back with a sunset flip powerbomb for two, then she throws a temper tantrum like she’s Christian. I mean the wrestler, people. I’m not doing any religious commentary here. Bank Statement by Sasha! Alexa reaches the ropes and crawls outside. They trade offense out there, go back in and Alexa goes back out. She stays there and Sasha gets the countout victory. Championship doesn’t change hands though.

Sasha isn’t done though, and attacks Alexa on the stage. They head towards the announce table and tease somebody being driven through it…instead it’s Sasha knocking Alexa off the table and delivering double knees! Alexa with some blood from the mouth after that one.

I had some worries about this one too, but it was all right. Not on the level of when Charlotte was defending the Raw Women’s Championship, but it wasn’t bad either. The feud must continue.

Grades
Bliss: C
Banks: C

Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (w/Maryse & the Miztourage) vs Dean Ambrose: I’m still not sure what Bo Dallas is going for with his clothing choices, but I approve of it. Ambrose attacks Curtis Axel on the outside, goes back in the ring to attack Miz for a little bit, then goes back outside to attack Bo Dallas. Eventually Miz takes advantage of all this. DDT gets a near-fall. Miz hits a couple of moves but Dean fights back with a swinging neckbreaker. Double underhook suplex off the middle rope gets a two count. Miz comes back with some kicks to the knee, which at least hasn’t been overdone tonight. Graves wants to ask Ambrose if Maryse is just as beautiful upside down, which is really stretching the PG rating. Miz with one of the worst Figure 4s in the business, but it sure does wreak havoc on Dean’s knee. Miz with the Yes Kicks. I think Ambrose bit his tongue at some point because we’ve got another bleeder here. Maryse distracts the referee while the Miztourage attacks Dean, but none of this works and Ambrose dives on the three men in the stable on the outside. Dirty Deeds gets a two count thanks to Maryse putting Miz’s foot on the ropes. These fans really don’t like bad officiating. Axel gets sent into the ring, but Dallas manages to hit Dean with the ol’ loaded glove and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the three count!

Miz & Ambrose had a good one this time, this was more in the average range. I don’t mind Miz using multiple people at ringside, but the stuff going on between the dog & pony show bits wasn’t much to write home about. This was a match and it was there.

Grades
Miz: C
Ambrose: C

Ambulance Match: Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman: The fans are happy to see Roman, as they usually are. At least with injured ribs he has a reason to wear the chest protector now. Braun is wrecking the man early with ring steps and whatever isn’t nailed down. He breaks the LED ringpost with the steps because he’s a crazy person. Reigns fires back, but Braun just front chokeslams him down. No running powerslam though. Reigns runs into a big boot, and then a powerslam. Reigns keeps Braun from carrying him to the ambulance, then hits the Samoan Drop. Braun runs shoulder-first into the ringpost, and Roman hits the Drive-By into Braun’s bad elbow. Off comes the elbow pad, and Reigns is working it over with a chair. He aims for the other shoulder, as he forgot which one was hurt apparently, and Braun isn’t having any of it. He tosses Roman up the ramp, then clears the announce table. He sets up a running powerbomb, Reigns slides out, hits some big right hands, but then gets tossed into the side of the ambulance! Braun opens the ambulance door, but Roman refuses to go in. He delivers a Superman punch and Braun is almost in. Roman walks into a boot, but delivers another Superman punch. Braun gets the backboard out of the back of the ambulance and whacks Reigns with it. There goes the stretcher. Braun hurls Reigns across the stage, which isn’t smart because that’s far away from the ambulance. It also leads into him being driven through the screen eventually, which is a bad time. Eventually Roman begins dragging him towards the ambulance, but Braun puhes him back towards it. Roman goes for a spear, but misses and flies into the ambulance! Braun wins his own stipulation match!

Well, for a little bit anyway. Now Reigns is really mad, and jumps out of the ambulance with a spear. Then he locks Strowman into the ambulance, ejects the driver, and drives it away! He then puts it into reverse and rams it into a semi-trailer, which to me seems a wee bit excessive. Kurt Angle and some cell phone photographers show up, and Jamie Noble tries to get him Braun out with a crowbar. During all of this, Heath Slater defeated Curt Hawkins in a match I won’t grade because nobody on Earth cared about it. I really don’t know what the idea was behind that. Anywho, Braun eventually crawls out and refuses medical attention.

Good match, probably the best ambulance match I’ve ever seen. But I have no earthly idea how anybody can cheer Roman Reigns after he just tried to kill a man. Is this what today’s kids support? If so, something needs to be done by their parents, because children can not be allowed to look up to psychopaths like Roman Reigns as role models. Totally & utterly disgusting, and a bad sign for the future of America.

Grades
Reigns: B-
Strowman: B+

Universal Championship Match: Brock Lesnar vs Samoa Joe: They don’t waste any time getting started, which is good because they don’t have much time here. No time limit draw in this match. Paul Heyman introduces Brock Lesnar because why not. Joe attacks during the introduction because why not. He slams Brock through one of the announce tables! The bell hasn’t rung yet, but that seems of little relevance to the men involved. Joe waits for Brock to get in the ring…he makes it there eventually. A already worn out Lesnar is good to go and the bell rings. Joe’s all over him, but Brock fights right back. Nothing pretty here, they’re grappling and punching like they’re in a fight. Joe goes for the Clutch, Brock doesn’t go for the ropes, he breaks it on his own. German suplex 1! 2! 3! Joe blocks the next attempt in the ropes, and his trick knee acts up! Hate it when that happens. Joe goes for the Clutch again, but can’t quite get it locked in. Now it’s locked in, but Brock’s hanging on. He gets up, and sidewalk slams Joe to break the hold. Three more German suplexes! F-5 attempt, Joe slides out and locks in the Clutch! Brock goes into the corner, but Joe’s still holding on…Brock pops up out of it! F-5! Three count, and Brock retains!

Yeah, it was short. Brock only needed one F-5 to beat Joe. But I liked it. It was the brawl that it should have been. Nothing pretty. No working holds for the sake of working holds, or cool moves for the sake of doing cool moves. Just two guys throwing bombs and whatever they had available tonight. Joe kept working his main hold because it was his best chance to win. Brock kept suplexing Joe because it was his best chance to win. Like an actual fight. Brock won, but Joe gave him all he wanted to handle. The look on Brock’s face after the match told the story that he felt a bit lucky to get out of this one with his title. Joe’s face told the story that he wanted more. Hopefully he’ll get more at some point.

Grades
Lesnar: B
Joe: B

Final Thought

I’ve been scratching my head after some of these shows lately, but I gotta say that tonight everything as far as the booking goes pretty much made sense, with a couple of notable exceptions involving the stuff surrounding the ambulance match. Nothing on the show was overly spectacular, and some of the match times are going to have people feeling disappointed, but I thought the Raw crew delivered a solid if not standout effort. Joe fans are going to worry about Joe because they’re used to him having longer losing efforts, and I expect to see a lot of articles and comments and tweets worrying about his future, but I think he’s going to be A-OK.

I also think that Braun Strowman is going to be the top babyface on this show sooner rather than later, if he isn’t already.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on whatever happens to be going on at any random point in time, follow him on Twitter!