Euro Fury: Attack Pro Wrestling Under the MistleTour
Attack Pro Wrestling Under the Mistletour
December 17 2016
This is the first of two nights of the Mistletour in Cardiff, Wales. Both shows are available for the princely sum of £9.99 on Attack’s Vimeo channel.
Sgt Banks vs. Danny Jones
Travis Banks is in the Anti-Fun Police in Attack, along with Chief Deputy Dunne (Damien, rather than Pete). Travis has a sack of goodies, because it’s Christmas. Dunne wants to ban presents, Christmas trees and fun in general. Travis empties his sack and it’s lumps of coal. You’ve been naughty Attack fans! The Love Making Demon brings mistletoe so he can sexually abuse all of the fans legally. Pills and kisses for everyone! I’ve been to parties like that. Travis’ attempts to overcome the whistle are wonderfully ludicrous. It’s pleasing that Travis can work a comedy match. Having that versatility is important in Indie wrestling. You can only work ‘good matches’ in so many places. Danny isn’t a great wrestler in the conventional sense so Travis has to switch gears. “Allow me to administer a knee drop”. “Granted” – Dunne. Naturally a rave breaks out. Travis ends up eating Love Making Demon’s ass, due to misplaced mistletoe. You know mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it*? The Anti-Fun Police evade shenanigans and Banks gets a roll up win. This was fun. The Anti-Fun Police clearly not doing their job. Travis threatening to fight the little kid in the front row is peak comedy heel work.
Final Rating: **1/2
*If you just said “a kiss is even deadlier if you mean it” after reading that, award yourself ten Bat-points.
Mike Bird & Wild Boar vs. The Drewdley Boys
The Drewdley’s are Drew Parker, running his ECW gimmick, and T-Von, which is Tyler Bate in camo. That means we get a comedy outing but it contains nothing but great wrestlers. Bird and Boar rather predictably have no sense of humour. Tyler doesn’t take it very seriously but he does play a great face in peril. Tyler flawlessly does all of D-Von Dudley’s spots to perfection. It’s pretty darn impressive. Boar takes a 3D through one of the Drewdley’s awful cheap tables. Tyler then takes a tremendous shellacking, including the finish which is a frogsplash onto a double knees. Nowhere for Tyler to move on that spot. Bird & Boar are an impressive team. I think they’ll have a strong 2017. I can see them against a host of babyface teams. Imagine them vs. Moustache Mountain?
Final Rating: ***1/4
Post Match: Tyler Bate almost wins the 24:7 title off Drew Parker via roll up.
Attack Tag Team Trophy Championship Match
#CCK (c) vs. Bowl-a-Rama
Mondai Lykos looks like a badly wrapped Christmas present. Lykos really does look ridiculous although calling him a Power Ranger isn’t sufficient abuse. He looks like a hentai character who crashed his surfboard into a tinsel factory. He looks like a waitress in a Furries fetish restaurant. He looks like a child’s drawing of a dog from Mars. The match is banter-heavy with Brookes enjoying himself at the expense of Splits McPins. The heels generally work heat, of sorts, on the smaller Splits while the larger Katt watches from the apron unable to assist. Speaking of cats; Lykos looks like a Christmas themed serial killer from a futuristic cat planet manga. Katt eventually gets a hot tag and smacks the champs around. Then he tags Splits back in immediately. I never understand that. Splits understandably takes a pasting again, this time from the champs more creative offence. Gorybomb/flipping Natural Selection double team anyone? With the belts/trophies in danger of changing hands dastardly heel ref Shay Pursor develops a dodgy shoulder. He’s laid out so in comes Nixon Newell with a chair but she accidentally superkicks the wolf in his stupid mask. Nixon, blinded by Brookes’ powder, then Welsh Destroyers Chris and Bowl-a-Rama win the titles! This was heavily on the storyline, which was fantastic, but the work was decent too.
Final Rating: ***1/4
Mark Andrews vs. Nixon Newell
This is certainly an unusual match but Nixon has been a hated heel in Attack since turning on Andrews a few months back. This is his shot at revenge. Nixon jumps Andrews from behind and hits the Welsh Destroyer from the bell. That doesn’t get it done but it does allow Nixon to realistically beat Andrews up. Given the right set of circumstances any match can be credible. Nixon’s aggression allows this to work from the start, along with Andrews’ selling as if he’s dead. When the match becomes a more competitive even state of affairs it gets super flippy. Andrews busts out of a couple of ridiculous counters including a flip out of a super rana. I’m a big fan of Nixon jacking the finger biting and Drop Dead to go with her heel turn. It does seem weird that she’s now the resident Bruiserweight with Pete being given the shove. Welsh Destroyer and the SSP finish for Mark and he scores his big revenge win for Nixon’s betrayal.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Eddie Dennis (c) vs. Chief Deputy Dunne
Eddie is dressed as Santa drawing chants of “Eddie Christmas Dennis”, an act of self-censorship to protect the fragile innocence of the boy in the front row. In order to set this match apart they go for brawling all over the building and destroying the beautiful symmetry of set up chairs. Someone gave that kid a whistle and that’s the soundtrack, along with seasonal non-swearing. Like with the Dennis title win, it’s a surprisingly long contest. As if Eddie is keen to prove he can work long matches and make them worthy of the main event spot. The match ticks along nicely but Eddie knows he needs those big spots to make the match special. Like yelling “surprise” and release Razor’s Edging Dunne over the top onto Banks. That’s not the biggest spot though as Dunne escapes to the stage, which is legitimately ten feet in the air and Eddie throws him off. Next Stop Driver would finish but Travis pulls the ref out. He’s ejected and another Next Stop Driver does finish. This was a fairly rudimentary defence for Eddie. The graps were solid enough for the spot and the crowd love him.
Final Rating: ***1/4
December 18 2016
We’re in Bristol for the second night of Attack’s MistleTour. Host in the ring is APW’s owner Jim Lee. Shay Pursor’s heel turn has made him into a Chris Roberts kinda ref. The crowd chant “we hate Shay” mercilessly.
Sgt. Banks vs. Elf Ligero
Ligero is bringing over the Christmas banter from Progress. Ligero has Christmas decorations hanging from his horns and wrestles with them on. That’s the kind of match this is. Also he has a full elf costume on. Travis brings his comedy A game by saluting during a headlock, allowing Ligero to slip out while Banks continues to crank the headlock. Firstly on nothing but air and then on Shay Pursor when Ligero slides him in there. Ligero bails to get Travis a present. It’s a can of Fosters! “Travis is Australian” chant the crowd. Severe banter to the Kiwi. “I hate carbs and I hate Christmas” is serious talk and that provokes Ligero into removing his costume. It’s fucking on! Ligero manages to get the Anti-Fun Police under the mistletoe and they kiss ‘accidentally’ for an uncomfortably long time. They were never confused! Ligero’s next gambit is attacking Banks with gift wrap. For a glorious millisecond I think Travis is going to actually sell it. Ligero’s work on the camp circuit has given him an incredible amount of ammunition to be different and do daft stuff. For someone who wrestles more than most WWE contracted talent it’s for the best that he develop a style that’s less dangerous. This isn’t just a comedy match though, occasionally both men feel the urge to remind the crowd that they’re also excellent technicians. You can’t argue with comedy graps when it works and they pay tribute to the workrate aspect too. Ligero wins with a springboard flying DDT. I was down coming into this show, courtesy of watching it right after hearing about the wonderful Carrie Fisher passing away, and this match went a long way towards fixing my mood. Thanks lads.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Martin Kirby vs. Rob Van Drew
RVD is “Extremely Confused” Drew Parker. Danny Jones is out here to play Bill Alfonso, because of the whistle obviously. The thing that amazes me about this ECW tribute run for Drew is how he’s able to mimic so many different wrestlers so effortlessly. Kirby plays Jerry Lynn to Drew’s RVD and they run all those 1999 Indie sequences at three-quarter speed. It’s a little sloppy at times, much like RVD matches were, although it’s important to remember that Drew is still a teenager. As long as he’s aware of his faults it’s fine. This is definitely the WWE version of a Rob Van Dam tribute as he never even considers bailing for a chair until a sloppy Van Daminator on the ropes, courtesy of Danny helping, before the chair surfing. Frogsplash finishes with some wag at ringside yelling “two star frogsplash” on account of how mediocre it is. I’m enjoying this run from Drew Parker although I hope it doesn’t define him forever. I’m sure it won’t.
Final Rating: **3/4
Post Match: Danny Jones rolls Drew up and wins the 24:7 title. Kirby tries his hand but Parker pins Jones and wins his belt back.
Mike Bird & Wild Boar vs. FSU
Oh shit, this could be genuinely excellent. A great heel team and one of the best babyface teams in the business. Instead of doing the “ding, ding, ding” to replace the bell the crowd have taken to yelling “we hate Shay”. This is what happens when you have a heel run referees! Bird & Boar are good enough to keep up with Andrews on the mat, where he’s outstanding but rarely gets the chance to show off due to his flippy reputation. The match coasts along nicely until Bird & Boar isolate Andrews and cut the ring off. They do an excellent job of cutting off those hope spots and stopping a hot tag by nefarious means. Unfortunately Eddie has a bit of a moment on the actual hot tag and quarter speeds it like he’s suffering from a banging hangover. That’s a key part of the match and it doesn’t work in the slightest, which is a killer for the other three guys who built to that moment. The spots he’s involved in after that are clunky as fuck too. People have off days but when you’re the only one in a match featuring three other guys it’s noticeable. Andrews carries the weight for his team and handily outshines everyone. Eddie eventually fires up for the strike duels and eviscerates Boar with a lariat. The match gets really good toward the end with false finishes and a hot crowd. Bird & Boar score the big upset win here, which may be because they’re both gunning for Eddie’s singles title. If this hadn’t been slightly wonky during Bird vs. Dennis segments this could have cracked four stars quite easily. The standard of most of the match was really high.
Final Rating: ***1/2
#CCK & Nixon Newell vs. Bowl-a-Rama & Tyler Bate
Bowl-a-Rama took #CCK’s tag straps last night. The CCK/Nixon team are what’s left of Pete Dunne’s attempt to destroy Attack. Mondai Lykos is once again sporting his ridiculous costume from the night before. He looks like Jushin Liger after a serious illness where he’s lost a lot of weight and all his fashion sense. Splits manages to bowl a strike using Tyler, in a deliciously old-timey wrestling spot turned modern. CCK and Nixon deliver some masterful, yet evil, tag team work too. It has intensity, it’s fun and the execution is great. Anorexic Montel Vontavious Porter leads Brookes and Newell in a heel dabbing session. That should leave a few of the lads conflicted. Boo heels, or cheer dabbing? All the heels get a bit of Brookes’ spittle to penetrate Katt’s orifices, drawing a “Shay’s got a boner” chant. What is this beautiful Attack madness? The story of the match is Nixon fucking up and accidentally superkicking both Brookes and Spaceworld Championship Off-World Grappling’s top babyface Mondai Lykos. Tyler causes conniptions by doing the Giant Swing on Lykos while doing the airplane spin on Nixon. “I’m sorry” yells Nixon just before Splits bowls a bowling ball square into her crotch. He is not careful but that apology may have been genuine. This match has fantastic pacing. It’s goofy as fuck but everything clicks. Shay caps this off by punching Katt in the balls, although this makes him highly suspect as a match official afterwards. Despite the storyline leaning towards the CCK trio it’s Tyler who holds the match together with his work. Bowl-a-Rama are largely a comedy team, although they do excellent work in hanging, so they need Tyler to be great and he is. Tyler murders the wolf for the pin, which Shay seems to have no problem counting all of a sudden. Maybe he just doesn’t care for Lloyd Katt. Weird refereeing decisions aside this match ruled.
Final Rating: ****
Post Match: Chris Brookes gets all pissy with Nixon for fucking up throughout the match and costing them the belts yesterday. Brookes is such an asshole that Nixon, who turned heel just a couple of months ago can easily drift back face with just a couple of well-placed headbutts. “Before I go anywhere I’m going to kick the living shit out both of you”. Cue B*Witched!
No Holds Barred (Festive Weapons Legal)
Deputy Chief Dunne vs. Ryan Smile
Smile was in the Anti-Fun Police but he left and is now fun. Ryan starts the match with a fucking insane dive over the ring post. If you’re a UK promotion and you can’t afford Ricochet, there’s a chap available who can do the flipz. Ryan brings the dabbing too to dodge an enzuigiri, drawing a “we love dabbing” chant. The first ‘festive weapon’ is a pile of presents that Damien gets backdropped onto. Turns out they’re just empty boxes. This is worse than the coal last night! Damien does an excellent job of being the staid heel opposite the flippity madness that is Ryan Smile. Within the confines of Attack’s crazy world, he does logical stuff like working Smile’s leg to stop the flips and using the stipulation to his favour. Although the no DQ should allow Banks to run in whenever he likes. He just needs to dress festively to do so. Although that would count as ‘fun’ and they can’t do that. I now see the bind they’re in! Ryan’s offence is routinely entertaining, apart from when he randomly decides to start paying homage to Shelton Benjamin. Damien’s attempt to go ‘hardcore’, is putting baubles on a chair. It’s astonishing that when Smile powerbombs him on it not all of the baubles break. “That was festive” chant the crowd, bless them. The match is genuinely awesome though, not just amusing, with Smile taking a sick DVD on the apron (the hardest part of the ring, dontcha know) and getting speared through a table. They do blow a springboard kick/something horribly at the start of Smile’s comeback but they bust their humps to make sure it’s quickly forgotten. Ryan sadly flubs on a springboard right after that sequence before Shay once again comes down with a dodgy shoulder. This makes even less sense than his previous heel antics because those were specifically with the lads in the tag he was involved with. This is no DQ though so Ryan superkicks the snot-nosed punk! Travis then runs in so Sebastian Radclaw, to the tones of “Fairytale of New York”, shows up to save Christmas. Damien takes a nasty spill through a table and Smile frogsplashes him for the win. Were it not for the botches this could have been really great.
Final Rating: ****