Hammerlock’s WWE Raw Review 12.08.14

Hey there, it’s Mike Hammerlock filling in for the estimable Larry Csonka this week. I guess that makes me Jim Kiick. I’ll be leaving behind the relative safety of listing eight things at a time to provide you with your alternate Raw review. Think of this as the color/meta commentary. The main review covers the blow-by-blow action. This column delves into whether it made any damn sense. Since it’s the Slammys tonight, this show is almost guaranteed to be free-form nonsense. Wunderbar. Seth Green will be the host. Good choice, he knows his way around a blade job.

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW 12.08.14
OFFICIAL RESULTS
Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler via pinfall[**1/4]
Kofi Kingston defeated Stardust via pinfall[*1/2]
Natalya defeated Charlotte via pinfall[*1/2]
Erick Rowan defeated Luke Harper via disqualification[*3/4]
Ryback and the Usos defeated Kane, Miz and Mizdow via pinfall [**1/2]
AJ Lee defeated Summer Rae via submission [*1/2]
John Cena defeated the Big Show via disqualification[*1/2]

---

Mizdow Says Nothing, but He’s Making Sense: Miz interrupts Seth Green’s opening and Mizdow steals the scene. Even better, the whole thing is over quickly. Why can’t they start like that every week?

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler: Ah yes, we are on the Trail to TLC. This weekend’s hostilities must be pimped. We’re getting Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins in the opener. Can’t help but wonder how great it would be if these two worked a serious program and headlined some PPVs. However, this match was not great or anything like it. J&J Security intervenes to get Rollins a quick win.

Sting is Awesome : He hasn’t wrestled a match in the WWE yet and Sting has already won his first Slammy. I wish Seth Rollins’ promos wasn’t so focused on being butthurt over the Authority losing power and instead took the time to run down Sting as an irrelevant old man. C’mon Seth, grab that brass ring. Show some attitude.

Kofi Kingston vs. Stardust:Shouldn’t there be a glass ceiling above them for the duration of this match. JBL mentions that Kofi’s won 10 titles in his WWE career, but he finally seems to have found his niche in New Day … presumably because they’re all black, they like to clap in unison and they’ve got a call-and-response line. The match is a squash, poor Cody. Kofi, who has been in Cody’s position a thousand times, must feel for the guy, but Kofi’s also been around long enough to know you never argue with a push. The theme so far seems to be short matches to punctuates the Slammys, but, hey, make sure to watch TLC, because that’s going to be exciting.

* Ultimate Warrior wins the Return of the Year Slammy. Why John Lauranaitis was chosen to announce this escapes me. I’m sure they knew each other back in the day, but Hogan would have been a better choice. Somebody should have flown his ass to South Carolina.

Paul Heyman Opens His Mouth and Also Makes Sense: Heyman and Rollins jaw at each about if and when Rollins might cash in on Brock Lesnar, then Heyman points out that if Rollins really wants to be the top dog in the WWE, the guy in his way is John Cena. This is, of course, 100% correct. I think we’re supposed to think Heyman’s being wily in trying to have Rollins take out Cena because Brock Lesnar is secretly worried about Cena getting another shot. Instead, what I’m thinking is Rollins has no chance at TLC.

Charlotte vs. Natalya: They had the women’s match of the year at NXT Takeover, but this time Natalya gets a quick rollup when Charlotte goes for the Figure Four. WWE divas are helpless against small packages and schoolboys. Inauspicious WWE debut for Charlotte. I don’t think she’ll suffer for it. At least she got some crowd reaction. Saying “Woo!” in the Carolinas is low hanging fruit, but any divas getting a response from any crowd deserves credit. The theme of short matches continues. We’re well on our way to this being the most disposable Raw of the year..

* The end of the Streak is the OMG moment of the year. I’m still OMG that they gave that win to a part-timer and that it was such a terrible match. Paul Heyman cuts a 45-second promo about the whole thing. Gigantic waste of talent. Perfect opportunity for Heyman to start pushing Lesnar’s story forward. Unfortunately it’s stuck in orbit around John Cena.

Don’t Break Bray’s Only Piece of Furniture: Apparently that was Sister Abigail’s rocking chair that Ambrose shattered last week. Bray gets a “Tables, ladder and chairs .. Oh, my!” chant going. He’s going to make a great face some day. Dean Ambrose pops out of an ambulance, drives Bray from the ring with the help of some plunder and declares that he is the monster and that on Sunday he will eat Bray alive. They’ve done a nice job of selling this match, though how does the loser get out alive?

* AJ Lee is your Diva of the Year. Jerry Lawler brings the lechery to the award presentation. That schtick actually gets better/creepier as he gets older. AJ rejects his threatened hug. Here’s my question, did Paige break single digits in the voting? By all rights, this should have been her year and she’s wound up just another vanilla bitch in the divas division.

* John Cena is angry at the Big Show for the 245th time in his career. He also mentioned that Seth Rollins can’t pin him and that he isn’t man enough to make Cena tap out. It’s true. No way Cena would agree to that kind of booking. John Cena’s not done stepping up, or stepping one every emerging talent who comes along.

Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper: Shouldn’t this be more than just a throwaway filler match given their history as a tag team? We’ve got no backstory about why they’ve found themselves on opposite sides. They’ve got some decent chemistry, but it all comes to an abrupt end when Harper slams Rowan into a ladder. Rowan then rallies after the bell to hit Harper with some stairs. This is now the fourth shoulda-been-a-quality-match that they’ve flushed.

* Naomi apparently spoke to Miz’s agent and has a screen test lined up. Jimmy doesn’t trust it. I kind of love that they’re using Naomi and the Usos in a storyline. It makes a ton of sense.

* Adam Rose comes out to announce the LOL Moment of the Year. Ophidian from the Osirian Portal apparently is a Rosebud now. Some might say the crowd is dead for Rose, but the crowd is pretty much dead for everyone. South Carolina is not traditionally a hot audience and they’re being anesthetized. Mizdow wins! He’s sporting the stunt belts on both shoulders. The Rosebuds should have rebelled and declared Mizdow their new leader.

* Rusev and Lana are out, and even Lana’s cutting half-hearted promos tonight. Did everyone get food poisoning last night? Swagger enters and threatens to break Rusev’s ankle. Only the intervention of referees clearly paid off in Russian petrobucks saves Rusev from Swagger’s wrath. Swagger really works when he’s in man-of-few-words mode. It’s not so much that he’s not a great talker (which he isn’t), but it reinforces that he’s a big, athletic dude. Why spend time gabbing when you can just do stuff?

Ryback and the Usos vs. Kane and Miz/Mizdow: The WWE really could use a trios division. Also, given the history of TLC matches in the WWE, why isn’t that the PPV where the tag division gets center stage? Anyway, there’s a match. Mizdow steals the first segment. I like that opponents don’t know how to respond when he starts beating himself up like Ed Norton in Fight Club. Maybe his next gimmick should be Tyler Durdow. Mizdow also steals the WWE App commercial break, doing a handstand while Ryback is keeping Miz hung up in a vertical suplex. Ryback squishes Miz with 10 seconds of offense.

* Flashback to Roddy Piper winning Slammy in 1986, before Hell came to Frogtown. This segues to Ricky Steamboat (real name RICHARD BLOOD) coming out to introduce the Match of the Year. Apparently they forgot about Shield vs. Wyatts at Elimination Chamber. Also, Daniel Bryan and HHH stole WMXXX with the opening match. Team Cena vs. Team Authority wins, which gets a fairly negative reaction inside the house. Dolph is out to accept the award and he’s just unbelievably humbled by it all.

AJ Lee vs. Summer Rae: Summer is unhappy that AJ won Diva of the Year … because cattiness is the diva default. Yet that ire drives Summer to control the action until AJ Black Widows her. They worked the little bit they did pretty well, but it’s another throwaway match on a throwaway card.

* RVD presents the Extreme Moment of the Year. The winner should be Adam Cole superkicking Jay Briscoe with a mouthful of thumbtacks, but I guess it’s too much to expect a massive ROH write-in vote. Seth Rollins’ dive at Extreme Rules also isn’t an option. Really?

I rest my case (though they gave it a win in another category online earlier in the night). Randy Orton busting his back wide open on the table bump at WMXXX was pretty badass too. Chris Jericho’s cage dive wins. Best choice from the given entries. Fandango accepts for him, reminding us that he once beat Jericho in a match.

* Foley is playing WWE swag Santa again and makes a “cotton-headed ninnymuggins” reference. Also refuses to step on Stone Cold’s “said so” gimmick. A half minute of Foley is a ray of sunshine.

* Big Show continues to make a rational case for his actions at Survivor Series. Maybe we are the true heels. He also reminds of his height and his weight. He’s saying 500 pounds again, even though it’s been years since he weighed that much, presumably because John Cena has to pick him up for an AA tonight.

The Roman Republic: Booker T will be handing out the Superstar of the Year Slammy. All right WWE Universe, here’s your Myers-Briggs moment. Who wins in this confused year? The injured champ? The part-timer? The usual suspect? Or one of the kids? Roman Reigns wins and he’s here. Guess that WrestleMania push is on again. The crowd gets as excited as it’s gotten all night, which is far short of excited. Roman cuts a pretty good three sentence promo, mentioning brass rings and stepping up. I like that he’s promising to beat both faces and heels if they’re in his way. Quickest way to put Reigns over like a crazy is to have him be an equal opportunity ass-kicker.

John Cena vs. Big Show: Big Show needs to put out a t-shirt that says: Putting John Cena over since 2004. Or maybe: 10 years on the job. Big Show starts out strong. How will John Cena overcome this? The audience can’t even muster a reputable “Let’s go Cena/Cena sucks!” I blame John C. Calhoun. Show is a massive human. Too bad he never got anything close to Andre booking. They could have made a zillion dollars off him. Cena gets the AA – shocker! – only for Seth Rollins to barge in at the 2 count. Dolph Ziggler saved Cena from a curb stomp off a ladder. Show feeds KO punches to Cena and Ziggler, then chokeslams Erick Rowan onto some steps. Eventually we get Ryback and Kane out to tease their chair match. Bodies laid out everywhere. Rollins curb stomps Cena then apes Roman Reigns, giving Cena a three-man powerbomb through the announce table with the help of J&J Security. Bad guys win on Monday. Good guys win on Sunday.

* End scene.

* Thanks for reading.

“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia!”

2.0

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

Well, that was wretched. I’m not sure if anything that happened made people more interested in watching TLC. Too bad, because I thought they had done a decent job of building the various matches up until tonight. I guess we’re supposed to fear for John Cena’s title shot with Rollins standing tall at the end. All the other heels were upright as well. It actually felt like most every Raw building up to Survivor Series. Now they’ve all got singles matches instead of a team match. Mizdow stole the show. If Vince really had brass balls, he’d let that guy close out a few Raw broadcasts. The stark difference between the South Carolina crowd tonight and the Seattle crowd for the Slammys last year can’t be emphasized enough. Last year the crowd was awesome and helped put Daniel Bryan as over as over gets. This year it was like they were working inside a sleep clinic. This was not the show to bring to South Carolina, which clearly wasn’t a self-starting bunch. Hard to blame their lack of enthusiasm when only one match even graded out as good as average. The WWE’s 2014 can’t end fast enough.