It’s All Stupid: Wrestling’s Dumb Moments

“It’s all wrestling. It’s all stupid. We all love it.” I end each and every column with this phrase, and I do it because I believe it 100%. Before I returned to 411 roughly two years ago, I first used that phrase while doing a guest spot in a Fact or Fiction a few months prior. For some reason, it stuck with me, and I’ve used it ever since.

Some agree with it, others have (in the past) taken umbrage with it, feeling it’s disrespectful, or that it glosses over such a multifaceted presentation with far too simple an outlook. For me, it’s just a reminder to never take this stuff too seriously. Of course, “too” is important here, because there are times where it’s perfectly fine to take wrestling somewhat seriously. Or to get invested in it. I know, the It’s Still Real to Him! crew lurks constantly, desperate to show how cool they are by never getting invested in a show they constantly watch, but I have no problem admitting that, at times, I take wrestling seriously, too.

But, for the most part, it’s stupid. And by “stupid,” I don’t mean “bad.” I just mean “silly,” or “fun,” or “irrepressible,” like a scamp.

When I was a child, the Undertaker’s attack on Ultimate Warrior during an installment of Paul Bearer’s “Funeral Parlor” was one of the most terrifying things I’d ever watched. I was, quite literally, afraid for Warrior’s life as I watched the WWF agents rush out and try to open the casket. I was not even ten years old yet, and couldn’t believe what I had seen. My Mom- who usually rolled her eyes at anything having to do with wrestling- even did her best to console me: “See how the lid is shaking up and down when they pull on it? That means it’s not airtight. He’s okay, Dino.”

I wasn’t having it, though. When the casket was finally opened, you could see the lining had been torn, which to me was proof that Warrior had been struggling to escape the whole time!

Still, this is a pretty stupid segment, right? Of course it is! You have a dead man attempting to murder another wrestler, and then four idiots bumbling around trying to open a casket. And what do we use to do this? Sledgehammers! Crowbars! Drill “air holes” into the casket! Give Blackjack Lanza credit, though- he swung the shit out of that hammer. Finally, they get it open, and Earl Hebner breaks into CPR! This whole thing is so deliciously stupid… how could anyone not love it?

What gets me when I watch this segment now is realizing how this would never- ever– be done today. Some of it, sure, can be blamed on the PG Era. I’d blame the Dumb Parents of Today that want to sue everything and everyone that makes their beloved youngster feel bad. If this happened today, my Mom would probably be threatening WWE for being “too scary” for me or whatever. Still, this is one of my favorite segments as far as stupidity goes. And really, when you think about it, it did what it was intended to do- kick start a feud between Warrior and Taker, while letting the fans know that Undertaker was someone you do not take lightly. Most people at the time were used to Warrior steamrolling everyone (unless it’s Sgt. Slaughter and his deadly standing elbow drop), but Taker served notice in this segment that he was not going to be like everyone else.

I hate to feel like I’m picking on Undertaker, but his Spring 2002 feud with Hulk Hogan for the WWE Championship featured some of the absolute stupidest crap to ever hit my TV screen, and I’d be a jerk if I didn’t mention it.

Again, I did not hate this stuff – I freaking LOVED it! Hogan suddenly bringing his love of motorcycles to the forefront simply because he was fighting Bikertaker. Bikertaker attacking Hogan and freaking DRAGGING HIM AROUND while the cameraman made sure to get a closeup of Hogan’s face, but never once attempted to help? (See? I can call out places besides TNA for the ridiculous invisible cameraman!) Driving off at (maybe) 7mph? Hogan crashing into a ridiculously large amount of empty boxes?

This, unlike the previous video with Taker and Warrior, did not actually serve a greater good. This was just some goofy fun used to build up the pending title shot that not many were looking forward to. Would it surprise you if I told you that the match was not that good? That Hogan took an atrocious chokeslam and lost?

But the match is irrelevant to me, when I think of Hogan’s face as he gets dragged down the hallway, helpless as no one tries to do anything to stop the attack. Again, it’s just so stupid, that I can’t help but to love it.

The first two clips, while stupid, were at least done in the name of building up to a match, or to kickstart a feud. There was, somewhere in the silliness, a point to it all. Edge attacking the laptop computer that received messages from the Anonymous Raw General Manager, on the other hand? This is 100% stupid from start to finish. It’s also, if I’m being frank, amongst my all-time favorite non-match segments ever. Yes, I’m a huge Edge mark, and yes, that probably has something to do with it. But it’s more than that. It’s even more than me simply being happy that someone finally tried to do something to get rid of that damn Anonymous GM.

When I hear that robot voice actually call for help, I lose it each and every single time. Somewhere along the line, the writing crew decided that the laptop wouldn’t just be broadcasting the voice of the GM, but, instead, the GM would BE the laptop? “Cole! Stop him! Cole!” It gets me every single time. Edge, having gone completely bonkers, assaults a laptop computer, and we’re supposed to take it seriously. Cole keeps a quiet, near-somber tone of voice. The guy who laughs at anything any new broadcaster says in an effort to shout them down tried to make us believe that this was a segment to address with complete realness. This wasn’t funny, no way. This was almost an affront! Edge disrespected the GM!

It’s been four and a half years since that all went down, and I still think about it from time to time, and it brings a huge smile to my face. Edge attacked a freaking computer! To shut up some anonymous jerk who was giving him grief! And the laptop asked for help! From freaking MICHAEL COLE! If that’s not stupid, I really don’t know what is. And again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Stupid can absolutely be entertaining.

Of course, this was all done as a way to get Edge back to Smackdown. After growing more and more frustrated with perceived injustices from the Raw GM, he eventually snapped, attacked the computer, and would be traded to Smackdown in exchange for CM Punk. Believe it or not, there was actually a reason for all of this! Edge was also turned face as a result of his feud with the Raw GM, so while it gave us heaping helpings of stupid, it also got Smackdown a new face, and Edge would soon be the World Heavyweight Champion until injuries forced him to retire after WrestleMania 27.

For me, the stupid of wrestling is just as important as the great athletic contests. It’s just as important as the super serious promos. It’s just as important as each style of wrestling. Wrestling is, at its heart, a variety show. Even in the old days, you didn’t have 20 of the same type of wrestler having the same type of match over and over again. You had your gymnasts. Your acrobats. Your foreign menaces. Your big ogres. You had them all. Variety.

Today, not much has changed as far as the ideology is concerned. We have variety. We have long interviews. We have comedy skits. We have long matches. We have short matches. We have blood feuds. We have chickenshit heels. We have arrogant heels. We have faces that are loved. We have “faces” that don’t quite understand that they aren’t beloved.

In the end, we have serious. We have fun. And we have stupid. I love it all, because it all makes up professional wrestling and, as I’ve said many, many times, I love professional wrestling. No matter how stupid it gets.

Please, if the moment strikes you, don’t be afraid to share some of your favorite, stupidest moments of wrestling down in the comments section!

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It’s All Wrestling. It’s All Stupid. We All Love It.