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Jack Likes WrestleMania But Doesn’t Have Time For Saddam Hussein: WrestleMania VII

March 4, 2015 | Posted by Jack Stevenson
7.5
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Jack Likes WrestleMania But Doesn’t Have Time For Saddam Hussein: WrestleMania VII  

WRESTLEMANIA XII

A third of Wrestlemania XI’s competitors are now dead; we’ve improved on that record with Wrestlemania XII’s wrestlers, just over a quarter of whom are no longer with us. Progress!

This Wrestlemania is infamous for being pencilled in for the 100,000 seater Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum until a main event of Hulk Hogan and Sgt. Slaughter re-enacting a war that had wound up over a month earlier shockingly failed to ignite the fervour of the nineties’ WWF universe. Dreadful tickets sales meant the event was shifted to the Los Angeles Sports Arena, with the flimsy excuse of a ‘bomb scare.’ Traditionally wrestling’s done pretty well for itself by simplifying political and social tensions and then playing them out in the ludicrous theatre of the ring; Nikolai Volkoff got a Hall of Fame career out of it, and the Japanese wrestling scene thrived by bringing in American wrestlers for native heroes to defeat in the aftermath of the Second World War. Iraq probably didn’t seem an especially fearsome threat to American audiences though, considering how comparatively small and distant it is. It’s weird to think they failed so spectacularly to shift even a workable number of tickets given nowadays they can sell about 80,000 based on the promise that “some matches will occur.” But, according to WWE’s website (which I think we can all agree is the best website out there for emotional statesman quotes), then Vice President Richard Nixon declared the Sports Arena for “all who served their country in wars,” so actually they couldn’t have picked a much more appropriate (or inappropriate, depending on how tasteful you see the storyline as being) place to play out their own little war games with Hogan vs. Slaughter.

Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are your announcers, with ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan and Lord Alfred Hayes tagging in when Heenan’s on managerial duty. Duggan, dressed to the nines as Uncle Sam, declares that the star spangled banners around the arena make him ‘proud to be American.’ That would mean more if there was literally one thing about America that didn’t make him feel proud. When someone starts a sentence with ‘A,’ Duggan automatically assumes it will be followed by ‘merica’ and wells up with emotion, even when they actually saying ‘a bounty’ or ‘a palindrome.’ Willie Nelson delivers ‘America the Beautiful,’ and later would go on to party so hard with the tag team champions, they’d give him one of the belts. But who were those tag champions? The Hart Foundation or the Nasty Boys? Find out later in the review! (Although you probably already know, or could guess).

MATCH 1- THE ROCKERS VS. HAKU & THE BARBARIAN

The Barbarian reminds us all that he’s slightly stronger than the Rockers by knocking them both head over heels simultaneously with a dual clothesline! The Rockers reminds us all they’re slightly more agile than the Barbarian as Marty gets up on his shoulders and Shawn dropkicks him into a huracanrana! A double superkick underlines the debt The Young Bucks owe their tassled forebears. Heenan’s team isolate Jannetty, with Haku backbreakering the heck out of him and Barbarian thwarting an aerial move with a mid-air powerslam. However, Barbarian foolishly decides to try and beat the fan favourites at their own, high risk game, and misses a diving headbutt from the top rope! Shawn makes the tag and dazzles Haku with his agility, sunset flipping him for two. The Rockers double dropkick The Barbarian right out of the ring, leaving Haku vulnerable. Marty crashes into him with a missle dropkick, and Shawn follows up milliseconds later with a high crossbody to secure the victory! ***. A peppy, upbeat tag match to open the show, with The Rockers bringing some cool tandem offence to the table.

MATCH 2- THE TEXAS TORNADO VS. DINO BRAVO

Bravo has some success off the second rope with an axe handle. He decides to try it again, since it worked so well the first time, but gets caught in mid air by Tornado’s Claw! That primes him for the Discus Punch, and Tornado picks up a three minute victory. ½ *.

Gorilla Monsoon (cheerfully): “let’s go to Sean Mooney!”
Bobby Heenan (hilariously, inexplicably outraged): “WHO?”

Much funnier than “WHAT?” at least.

MATCH 3- THE BRITISH BULLDOG VS. THE WARLORD

The Warlord, who earned that name during his murderous stint in charge of the Philippines during the late 1970s, struggles with the Bulldogs mixture of power and speed early on, and is repeatedly battered with shoulderblocks. Davey tries for a Crucifix, but Warlord counters with a Samoan Drop (or the Filipino Flop as he knows it) to take control. He wears down Bulldog with steady submissions like a bearhug and a rear chinlock. Eventually Davey is able to make a more prolonged comeback, but even that seems to have been stopped when Warlord kicks out of a sunset flip and roars back with a clothesline. Bulldog’s in trouble, and Warlord takes advantage to lock in his feted Full Nelson- but Davey manages to break it! Warlord desperately goes for a powerslam, only for Bulldog to reverse it into his own signature version, which is enough for three count! **. Bulldog seemed in good form, and while Warlord wasn’t exactly thrilling, they still made for an OK pairing and an OK match.

MATCH 4- WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS- THE HART FOUNDATION VS. THE NASTY BOYS

With a Bret Hart single run imminent, it’s unsurprising how impressive he looks in the early going, fighting off both Nasties single-handedly. He does get isolated by the challengers though, Knos turning the tide with a clothesline and Saga following up with a clothesline out to the floor. They wear him down with a series of chinlocks. It’s effective until about the fourth one, when Bret summons the resolve to power out of it with an Electric Chair. The referee is too distracted by Sags to note Hart’s hot tag to Neidhart though, and Bret has to endure a little more punishment. The Nasties try to utilise Jimmy Hart’s megaphone, but Bret dodges and Knobs hits Sags! Finally Jim Neidhart is in ,and a veritable house of fire he is too! Clotheslines! Clotheslines for all! And a powerslam especially for Knobs! The Nasties scurry around and crash into each other, allowing the champs to land the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the referee wants Bret out of the ring before he’ll count the pin. That diversion allows Sags to brain Neidhart with Jimmy’s Nasty motorcycle helmet, and just like that, new champions! ***. Very solid, effective tag team in which everyone looked pretty good. The Nasties reliance on sleeper holds might not have made for the most thrilling middle portion, but I did like the continuity and symmetry of the way they kept going back to it, and there were enough bursts of fight from Bret to stop the match getting bogged down. The finish was well executed, and cleverly teased with the attempted megaphone use. One of the stronger undercard bouts there’s been on a Wrestlemania to this point.

MATCH 5- BLINDFOLD MATCH- JAKE ROBERTS VS. RICK MARTEL

Bobby Heenan picks this match to annoy Gorilla Monsoon on commentary by pretending he can’t hear him over the roar of the crowd and then repeating half the stuff he says. At one point, Monsoon says Martel’s name and Heenan replies “yes! That is Martel!” The idea that Monsoon could somehow have forgotten which one Martel was makes me laugh. Anyway, to the match! The concept of which is that both men are blindfolded and thus can’t see what they’re doing. The crowd are firmly in Jake’s corner throughout the match, cheering to let him know when he’s close to finding Martel. Rick gets the first proper move in though, slamming Jake down. He tries to follow up with an elbow, but Roberts had already moved seconds earlier! The Model briefly seizes the referee before realising it’s definitely not Roberts. Roberts tricks Rick by clapping his hands to indicate where he is, and then jumping Martel from behind when he investigates. Things get worse for Martel when he fumbles across Damien, which freaks him out no end! The action slips to the floor, when despite Bobby Heenan’s attempted help, a paranoid Model thinks the ring post is Roberts and hits it with a chair. Back in, he finally makes some progress and even gets the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, Martel waltzes into the DDT, and hands Roberts the victory! *** ½. It makes me sad when people lambaste this, I think it’s such a great effort. It’s a masterpiece of camp, pro wrestling theatre, full of creativity and fan participation and pleasingly stupid sight gags. A few of the spots stretched credulity, but that’s to be expected when you’re working with such an unusual set of rules. I guess there wasn’t much actual wrestling, but then, is WWE’s brand of pro wrestling closer to a meticulous, technically masterful trading of holds, or what we saw here, overblown, honest, commedia dell’arte fun? Anyway, this is legit one of my favourite matches of the earlier Wrestlemanias.

MATCH 6- JIMMY SNUKA VS. THE UNDERTAKER

This is a pretty inauspicious beginning for a piece of genuine wrestling lore. The streak might not even had got off the ground had Snuka had a better game plan than “throw myself in the general direction of my opponent and hope for the best.” Taker hits a genuinely terrifying flying clothesline, I’d run away screaming if I saw someone who looked like that hurtling through the air at me. Snuka attempts a crossbody, but misses wildly and sails onto the floor. He then tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and drops him with the Tombstone to win and go 1-0 at Wrestlemania. * ½. A fun squash for the Undertaker.

MATCH 7- RETIREMENT MATCH- THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR VS. RANDY SAVAGE

It’s fascinating to look at both men before the match. Warrior won’t even run to the ring, it’s too big an occasion for such reckless abandon. He does run up and down the ring apron, and Savage paces after him, up and down, up and down, as if he’s just so on edge that he can’t even let his opponent go up and down the ring apron without suspecting something’s afoot! That nervousness is further evident as he bails right out the ring off a Warrior shoulderblock. Sherri tries to help out with a distraction, but it doesn’t work as Warrior is soon hitting all kinds of atomic drops on Macho! Randy’s frustrations probably reach boiling point as Warrior catches him in mid air off a high crossbody, then opts to just put him back on his feet and slap him. Mind games! Eventually though, Warrior’s natural exuberance costs him, as he misses a wild charge into the corner and finally allows Randy to take over. Sherri kicks him when he’s down on the floor, and Savage soars out onto him with a double axe handle! And then drives him into the post for good measure!The referee is knocked down when Savage pushes Warrior into him- Sherri tries to capitalise with a double axe handle of her own off the second rope, but ends up hitting her own man! It doesn’t affect him for long though, he’s soon firing back with clotheslines. Savage slams Warrior down, heads up top… and delivers not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE flying elbows to Warrior!!!!! And it’s still only enough for a two count, which is where the match loses some its glory in my eyes. Indeed, Warrior soon shrugs them off as if they were any old move and runs through his clotheslines and Gorilla press. He follows it up with the big splash, but it’s only enough for two! In a darn cool, dramatic moment, Warrior loses faith and enters discussion with his gods or planets or whatever he believed in, seemingly no longer convinced he can put Savage away. He actually starts to leave the match, but Randy, perhaps unaware of what’s happening, clotheslines Warrior off the apron to the floor. He attempts to crush his larynx across the guardrail as he did to Ricky Steamboat, but Warrior ducks away and Macho crashes and burns! Reinvigorated, Warrior returns to the ring, knocks Randy down with three shoulderblocks, and makes the pin to save his career and end it for Savage! *** ½. I suspect some people might question my credibility for rating this the same as the Blindfold match! But, I don’t like this as much as many other people seem to. It was very much the forefather of the modern match structure which builds to a big, booming series of melodramatic near falls, but I’m not always such a fan of those kind of bouts. Savage failing to put Warrior away after five elbow drops was literally unbelievable, and Warrior being able to win the whole thing with a trio of shoulderblocks meant that a large portion of the closing stages felt incoherent and bizarrely structured. It’s still a very, very good match mind, with a great pace, a wonderful performance by Savage, and bits and pieces of real drama. And, really, whether the match was a Savage-Steamboat or a Savage-Steele, it all fades into insignificance when Sherri starts to kick and berate her fallen ally, and Elizabeth decides she can take no more and hurls her from the ring, paving the way for the most emotional reunion in wrestling history. Savage and Elizabeth finally embrace, and Macho joyously lifts her up on his shoulders. He even holds the ring ropes open for her! This completes one of the most marvellous stories professional wrestling has ever told.

MATCH 8- GENICHIRO TENRYU & KOJI KITAO VS. DEMOLITION

This is a most curious match of sorts, with Tenryu and Kitao representing WWF’s short lived Japanese sister promotion ‘Super World of Sports.’ Sadly this iteration of Demolition substitutes Ax for Crush, preventing this bout from being an odd dream match of sorts. Regis Philbin struggles to get an interview from Tenryu and Kitao, owing to the language barrier, but then he remembers that it’s late eighties/early nineties WWF, and casual racism is the answer to everything. Sure enough, he just says “Toyota!” and “Isuzu!” at them and they enthusiastically respond.

Demolition are not as easily pleased by Tenryu and Kitao as Tenryu and Kitao are by hearing brand names they’re familiar with, and attack them before the bell. They’re in control for a couple of minutes until Kitao fires back out of nowhere with a clothesline to Smash. Tenryu comes in and does well until he misses an elbow drop. Demolition set up a Decapitation, but Kitao makes the save. Crush is sent to the floor, and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the win! * ¼. Quite watchable, but not much more than that. It was too one sided for a five minute match, and Tenryu and Kitao’s comeback never really got going.

MATCH 9- WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- MR. PERFECT VS. THE BIG BOSS MAN

Bobby Heenan makes some uncomfortable Rodney King jokes by way of a pre-match promo.

There’s plenty of evidence on display here that Mr. Perfect came as close as anyone could to living up to his moniker. Big Boss Man slaps the taste out of his mouth and he literally pirouettes through the air! He then gets swung round and round by his hair alone, a spot which Cesaro and Ziggler should definitely steal. Boss Man cracks him with his belt as well, which doesn’t seem entirely legal. Curt does hit offensive manoeuvres as well of course, including a cool reverse neck snap of sorts. And when all else fails, Bobby Heenan can always cause a distraction, as he does here. Boss Man comes after him, but that allows Perfect to drive him into the steel steps. Curt seems just about in control when Andre the Giant lumbers out to neutralise Bobby Heenan! Andre steals the title belt, and when Hennig goes after him he’s met with a shot right to the face! That leaves both Perfect and Boss Man down in the ring, and the referee starts the ten count- Boss Man is up first, but Haku and the Barbarian charge in to draw the DQ and save the title. ***. Plenty of fun from beginning to end, with Perfect taking a very entertaining beating and Boss Man more than holding up his end of the bargain. Andre’s appearance, his final outing at a Wrestlemania, was a pleasure to see, and his interference was great in a sloppy kind of way. The finish was a bit underwhelming, but with the match unravelling as it was it wasn’t exactly inappropriate. Post match, Andre and Boss Man team up to send the Heenan Family scattering!

MATCH 10- GREG VALENTINE VS. EARTHQUAKE

Valentine whittles away at ‘Quake with elbows and is eventually able to attempt the Figure Four! It’s difficult to lock it on a man of Earthquake’s size, especially with Jimmy Hart providing a distraction. Hammer goes after the manager, but Earthquake ambushes him, and the elbow drop and splash finish it! ¾ *. Pretty much a showcase for Earthquake, although Valentine’s attempts to wear him out were somewhat interesting.

MATCH 11- THE LEGION OF DOOM VS. POWER & GLORY

L.O.D demolish their opponents and flatten Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device for the victory in just under a minute. N/R.

MATCH 12- VIRGIL VS. TED DIBIASE

Roddy Piper is in Virgil’s corner, on crutches after a motorcycle catastrophe!

It’s clear Virgil has years of pent up frustrations to take out on DiBiase, as he ruthlessly dominates the early stages. He thrashes him at pugilism, and demonstrates wrestling skill with a takedown. That is the point at which DiBiase takes control though, he gets a drop toe hold and sets about subduing his former servant. He beats him all the way to the outside, and takes a shot at Piper while he’s there for good measure. Back inside, he drops Virgil with a powerslam, but Roddy gets revenge by pulling the top rope down with his crutch as Ted hits it, sending him out to the floor. DiBiase and Piper get into it again, and that preoccupies the Million Dollar Man for so long he gets counted out! *. As great as the storyline coming into this match was, with Virgil finally slugging DiBiase after years of abusive employment, the bout itself had little going for it- it felt rushed and dissatisfying, with neither man getting enough offense on each other to signify the end of a three year partnership. Conversely, what action there was wasn’t all that interesting, and if it hadn’t been for Piper’s intervention at the end it would have been unrecognisable from the other undercard outings. Post match, DiBiase continues to assault Virgil and especially Piper, with Sensational Sherri making a surprise appearance to join in! Virgil is able to chase the jackals off in the end.

MATCH 13- TITO SANTANA VS. THE MOUNTIE

This feels a highly unnecessary addition to the card.

Santana hits the Flying Forearm almost immediately, but it just sends the Mountie to the floor. Back inside, the referee is distracted, and Mountie blasts Tito with the shock stick to win. N/R.

MATCH 14- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- SGT. SLAUGHTER VS. HULK HOGAN

Celebrity guests! Regis Philbin appears on commentary, Alex Trebek handles ring announcing duties, and Marla Maples is time-keeper. I wondered whether I should know who Marla Maples was, but WWE’s website informs me “her major claim to fame is being one of Donald Trump’s ex wives.” They rather scraped the bottom of the barrel with that selection. The atmosphere is pretty good for this, but you can’t help but suspect the only people genuinely invested are children too young to appreciate the politics of the storyline. For everyone else, it surely must just be a patriotic, Pavlovian response to cheer for Hogan and boo the Iraqi sympathiser Slaughter? I mean, it’s never a good sign for a Wrestlemania main event when the character of the fan favourite is essentially the same as ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan’s.

Hogan gets off to a great start, and simply shrugs off a chair shot from Slaughter! Strangely, a thub to the eye is more effective for Sarge, but not for long; Hogan’s soon back with usual fiery fan favourite offense, clotheslines and back body drops and ten (well, eight, but close enough) punches in the corner. Lucha Hogan crashes into Slaughter off the second rope axe handle and, buoyed by his success and to the astonishment of the announcers, decides to take his chances one level higher. It doesn’t work this time though, as Slaughter throws him off the top to finally take control. He tries to capitalise on this by getting himself disqualified, or ‘losing the battle to win the war’ as he puts in. Despite driving Hulk into the ring post, hitting him with a chair, and choking him with a cable, the referee is reluctant to throw the match out, so Slaughter is forced to utilise some wrestling. A backbreaker sets up a lengthy Boston Crab, but Hulk just about makes the ropes! Sarge flies off the top rope with a double stomp to Hogan’s vulnerable lower back, but General Adnan raises question as to how he earned such an important strategic position by needlessly distracting the referee while his champion makes the pin. By the time the official’s ready to make the count, Slaughter can only get a two count. Slaughter busts Hogan wide open with a chair shot, adding another frisson of drama to the match. He cinches in the Camel Clutch! Hulk eventually powers out of it but gets bounced into the turnbuckles to thwart any potential comeback. Slaughter drapes the Iraqi flag over him and pins him for a two count, but apparently it’s not just the collective willpower of thousands of Hulkamaniacs that can trigger an episode of ‘Hulking Up,’ it’s nationalism as well! Hulk rips the flag to shreds, and runs through his usual to win back the WWF Championship! *** ¼. Not too shabby an effort at all here; considering this was on paper the most underwhelming Mania main event to date, Hogan and Slaughter delivered a properly fun brawl. There was never a serious lull despite the near 20 minute run time, and all the brawling felt both heated and varied. It’s not a classic, but it would stand up as a main event of a B-level PPV even today, with a little modernising.

7.5
The final score: review Good
The 411
A good show, with more consistently good matches than any previous Wrestlemania, as the roster slowly became more serious and athletic. Regardless of my opinions on the match itself, Savage and Elizabeth reuniting in the ring is a Wrestlemania moment to match any other, so that's obviously a huge plus point as well. It had the problem all these four hour Wrestlemanias had of too many short filler matches in the name of fulfilling a needless, punishing run time, but thankfully this would be the final one until they were at least vaguely capable of sustaining them. Despite that, this is still a rewarding Wrestlemania, even more so if we accept that I'm probably wrong about Savage-Warrior.
legend

article topics :

Wrestlemania 7, Jack Stevenson