wrestling / Video Reviews
Jack Likes WrestleMania But Has Never Been to a Toga Party: WrestleMania IX
Loading...WRESTLEMANIA IX
We make history just seconds into this show, as Gorilla Monsoon informs us it’s the first time he’s ever worn a toga! A Wrestlemania moment if there ever was one! This isn’t an example of Monsoon massively misreading the dress code or something, everyone is wearing one. Wrestlemania is emanating from the open air Caesar’s Palace is Las Vegas, and Ancient Rome is the theme. I think this is a really cool venue, the crowd are by and large full of life, and it’s a nice visual to have all these bouts taking place in the blazing desert sunshine. Jim Ross makes his WWF debut and is so wide eyed and chirpy! He’s closer to Sean Mooney than the Good Ol’ J.R we all know and love. Bobby Heenan enters backwards on a camel. Randy Savage completes the commentary trio!
MATCH 1- WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- SHAWN MICHAELS VS. TATANKA
Luna Vachon chaperones Shawn Michaels, which is a strange pairing. Sensational Sherri, recently spurned by the Heartbreak Kid, evens things out by appearing in Tatanka’s corner. At one point during this match, something odd happens- Jim Ross and Macho unanimously agree on a point Bobby Heenan makes.
Jim Ross: “you’re right, weasel!”
Randy Savage: “yeah, you’re right, weasel!
Bobby Heenan (obediently): “yes, I am right, weas… hey!”
This one stays on the mat for quite a while, with Tatanka tenaciously working the arm. Michaels is so keen to maintain a side headlock he even runs up the ropes to maintain it! There are a couple of tense moments between Sherri and Luna. First, Tatanka chops Shawn out to the floor, and Sherri prevents Vachon from assisting him. Tatanka goes to the shoulder, hitting a shoulder breaker and then chopping away at it, but Shawn soon becomes wise to his plan and superkicks him out to the floor. At that point, Sherri again stops Luna from getting involved. Back in the ring, Michaels reels Tatanka into a victory roll for a two count. Perhaps thinking he was close to victory, the champ tries it again, but this time Tatanka counters with an Electric Chair! Shawn settles things back down with a rear chinlock. Michaels crashes into Tatanka with a flying axe handle, but that just serves to fire up the challenger and initiate a great sequence of near falls. Tatanka chops the heck out of him and lands a big flying crossbody for two! He slingshots him hard into the ring post, then drags him away into a roll-up for another two! He looks for his signature Samoan Drop, but Shawn slips through into a roll-up for two. The champ hopes to build some momentum from the top rope, but dives right into a powerslam and another two count! Desperately, Michaels sends his foe out to the floor, but then flings himself off the apron and ends up crashing into the ring steps! In a rage, he yanks the referee out. Upon his return to the ring Shawn’s driven into the mat with a Samoan Drop, but before Tatanka can make the pin the referee throws the match out, disqualifying Michaels for pulling him onto the floor. *** ¼. After a kind of slow start, that developed into an excellent, really competitive opener. The finisher was a huge drag though; if you’re going to do lots of near falls, one of them eventually needs to be successful for a satisfying kind of story to be told. Still, this made for a very solid opener. After the match, Luna assaults Sherri until Tatanka comes to the rescue.
MATCH 2- THE STEINER BROTHERS VS. THE HEADSHRINKERS
Bobby Heenan learns that Luna has continued her attack on Sherri while she tried to receive medical attention. His response is the most cheerful, carefree “super!” I’ve ever heard. It’s as if he was a well mannered boy and someone had just told him they’d baked him a lovely chocolate cake.
The Steiners start as they mean to continue, with mat wrestling, big throws, and hard clotheslines! Scott Steiner dumps Samu with a Double Underhook Powerbomb! But the Headshrinkers recover, and team up to send him flying over the top rope! Manager Afa adds to the carnage by bashing Scott with his stick. Back in the ring, Samu cleans Scott’s clock with a spin kick. Scott tries to fight back by bouncing Fatu’s head into the canvas, but the Samoan’s superior skull genetics allow him to pop right back up and superkick Steiner right in the face! Great moment! Eventually, Steiner gets an opening when Samu misses a Flying Headbutt, and here comes Rick! He’s a house of fire! Steinerlines! Steinerlines everywhere! But he doesn’t learn from his little brother’s mistakes, and tries to knock the ‘Shrinkers noggins together. They’re just like “what the fuck’s up with these guys? Why must they insist on bouncing our magnificent Polynesian heads off things? When will they learn?” They turn the tables by ramming Ric’s head into the mat. The Headshrinkers try for a Doomsday Device, but Rick catches Samu in mid-air and powerslams him! Fuck! Scott comes in and dumps Fatu with a belly to belly. Samu disrupts him with a superkick, but Steiner shakes it off to hook a huracanrana and pick up the three count! ****. Recently I’ve seen a tiny bit more discussion about the excellence of this match (by which I mean “a short WWE.com article about it) but it still remains the single most underrated bout in Wrestlemania history. These guys just beat the shit out of each other, it was so exciting from beginning to end. .It’s probably even better for coming out of nowhere on the supposed worst Wrestlemania of all time and shaking you out of your complacency with all it’s mega cool moves and insane displays of strength, so maybe it’s better this bout stays so hidden! But it’s a gem, a total, total gem.
We’re two matches in, with one one darn fine contest and one absolute barnstormer. You know, this doesn’t seem so bad. Although…
MATCH 3- CRUSH VS. DOINK THE CLOWN
Doink sprays Crush with water from a flower to start the match, as you do if you’re a sadistic WrestleClown. Crush is displeased and beats the clown from pillar to post. until Doink snaps his neck across the top rope to stem the slaughter. He doesn’t stay in control for long, as he flies off the top rope into Crush’s raised boot. The Hawaiian roars back with a press slam, but the referee gets knocked down, and Doink slithers under the ring. Crush drags him back out again and applies the head vice, but a second Doink comes in and bashes his twin’s opponent with a suspicious rock solid arm! Crush crumples, and Doink Classic picks up the victory! * ½. This felt quite perfunctory, but Doink’s bizarre antics made it feel a little more worthwhile. Bobby Heenan’s steadfast insistence that the only possible explanation for Doink’s doppelgänger is that the clown can do magic makes me chuckle heartily!
MATCH 4- BOB BACKLUND VS. RAZOR RAMON
Bob Backlund makes his Wrestlemania bow, despite having won his first WWF Championship in 1978! The crowd seem to wish he’d stayed in the past, loudly cheering for the Bad Guy.
A contrast in styles is shown when Backlund asks for a handshake and receives a toothpick in the face. The veteran succeeds in taking the brash upstart down early on, but falls victim to Ramon’s aggressiveness. He valiantly fights back with some classy wrestling moves, including a butterfly suplex! Razor ends up on the apron- Backlund brings him in the hard way, but gets snagged in an inside cradle for the pinfall out of nowhere! * ¼. OK match, but almost too short to rate properly.
MATCH 5- WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS- MONEY INC VS. THE MEGA-MANIACS
Hogan has a black eye going into this match and I have no idea why, though the explanation given is that Money Inc. ensured he received A Visit From The Goon Squad. Beefcake still sports a protective mask from his career threatening jet ski accident.
The champions attack before the bell, but Hulk Hogan is not happy for his shirt tearing ritual to be disrupted, and the fan favourites clear the ring. Ted forgets about Beefcake’s mask and does some moves that won’t work because of it- punching him in the face just hurts his hand, bouncing into the turnbuckles makes Brutus look like some kind of Samoan or something. The challenger spend some quality time beating the champions all around the ring, and eventually clothesline them out to the floor. At that point, Money Inc. decide to just do what they did last year and take the count-out defeat, but the referee arbitrarily rules that if they do that they’ll lose the tag team championships. I’m pretty sure it’s not part of his remit to just make stuff up. Anyway, the champs reluctantly return and actually take control by choking Hogan judiciously. That settles us down into the face in peril formula. It’s odd to see Hogan playing the vulnerable one and Beefcake the house of fire hero considering the dynamics of their relationship. DiBiase locks in The Million Dollar Dream on Hulk, but Brutus is all “fuck this shit” and locks his own sleeper on DiBiase! The referee does break it up, but it leaves both Hulk and Ted down for the count. They recover at roughly the same time, but only one can make a hot tag, and it’s Hulk Hogan! Brutus briefly has all the momentum but Money Inc. curtail that by ripping the mask off and attacking his face, which refuses to implode spectacularly as the announcers assure us will happen. Beefy resists the onslaught and cinches in his sleeper on I.R.S, and they stumble backwards in this strange dance, running over the referee. Hulk comes in and cracks the heels with Brutus’ protective mask, then makes the cover while Jimmy Hart pretends to be referee. A real official runs down and disqualifies them for the mask use though to conclude. * ¼. Long, long match, and mostly boring at that. Even the formula felt very tired, although maybe that’s because I’ve been watching all these early Hulk Hogan matches where he’s perilous and heroic in turn, like clockwork, and it’s finally starting to grate. This was definitely uninspiring though, outside of a few enjoyable goofy moments.
MATCH 6- MR. PERFECT VS. LEX LUGER
Luger is accompanied to the ring with four thong clad ladies, which is kind of jarring after years of generally conservative morality.
Perfect outwrestles Luger at the start, and after receiving a dropkick (and perhaps more painfully, a chop to his chiselled abdomen) the Narcissist decides to take a breather on the floor. That break seems to remind him that actually he should be trying to overpower Perfect, not trade holds with him. He puts the new plan to good effect, whipping Curt very hard into the buckles, then dropping him with a backbreaker as part of some vague back-working scheme he’s got going on. He also forearms him in the back, and drives him back first into the ring apron. Perfect tries to return to his comfort zone with a sleeper holds, but Luger just drives him into the corner. Hennig eventually mounts his comeback with some strikes, putting an end to this ‘technician vs. powerhouse’ narrative I’ve been trying to make the match fit into. A battle breaks out over a backslide, which Luger unsurprisingly wins as the strongest of the two. Perfect’s legs are tangled in the ropes, but the referee doesn’t see it and counts to three! **. 1993 was very much the year of Mr. Perfect not really having great chemistry with people you might expect him to have great chemistry with. See also, Michaels; Shawn! It rather felt like these two gave up on the match halfway through and just meandered through the rest, despite the odd bit of strategy from Luger or cool tumble from Perfect.
After the match, a fuming Perfect chases his foe to the back, but Luger lures him into an attack by Shawn Michaels!
MATCH 7- THE UNDERTAKER VS. GIANT GONZALEZ
Ahhh! This match! Giant Gonzalez is very tall and possesses an, um, a distinctive wrestling style. He’s one of the most baffling humans you’ll see in a ring.
This match largely consists of the Giant choking Undertaker, and Taker punching him in retaliation. There’s a brief flurry of things that vaguely resemble moves though, as The Deadman goes Old School and Gonzalez responds with a hip toss. At one point the match spills to the floor, where Gonzalez drives his opponent into the steel steps. Taker slugs away at Gonzalez, who starts selling the punches like he was one of the dancing zombies in the ‘Thriller’ video. Concerned, Harvey Whippleman brings out the cavalry, and the cavalry are curiously similar to a chloroform soaked rag. Gonzalez applies it, and the referee throws the match out, giving Undertaker a DQ victory. ¼ *. It’s not worth breaking out ‘negative stars!’ and ‘worst match ever!’ platitudes out for. Undertaker did his best and stopped the match from just collapsing in on itself. But Gonzalez was not good at anything in the ring. Apparently a very pleasant man, but just not cut out for wrestling. But how incredibly close did Gonzalez come to ending the streak before it even began? That’s the real value of this match, almost getting the chance to see two alternate histories diverge.
MATCH 8- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- BRET HART VS. YOKOZUNA
According to WWE.com, this match makes Bret Hart the first wrestler to compete for three different championships at three consecutive Wrestlemania; Tag Team Championships at VII with Neidhart against the Nasties, Intercontinental Championship at VIII against Piper, and now this. Has that happened since at all? I can’t think of anyone who might have done it off the top of my head. It’s a cool stat I think, a real microcosm of how the WWF was changing at the time and putting more emphasis on the lighter, more realistic figures like Hart. Well, supposedly.
This is a fun little cat and mouse battle. Hart finds that his mat wrestling skills aren’t going to be much good if he can’t power Yokozuna down to the canvas. He has more success by darting around and peppering Yoko with clotheslines, but eventually he just runs into one himself. The challenger controls with a fucking nerve pinch, but does land a pretty neat crescent kick. Hart eventually rallies, dodging a Yokozuna charge in the corner and making the match more even. A turnbuckle pad is torn off after a melee in the corner- Yoko looks to take advantage by bouncing Bret off the exposed steel, but the champion blocks and sends his foe in head first instead! Bret locks on the Sharpshooter, but Mr. Fuji throws salt in his face, and that’s apparently enough to keep Hitman down for the three count and give the championship to Yokozuna! ** ¾. A finish that’s arguably as daft and lazy as what’s about to follow. I mean, when Marty Jannetty had salt thrown in his eyes three Wrestlemanias ago, he was tearing all over ringside, desperately trying to wipe it out his eyes on the ring apron and eventually tumbling into the front row. Salt in the eyes shouldn’t make you passive and incapable of kicking out of a pin, it should make it easier if anything, since you should be thrashing around in a panic. I digress. Still, the match was pretty good- not really grand enough for a Wrestlemania headliner at under nine minutes in length, but with its simple, efficient story of David vs. Goliath it was much more watchable than 1992’s main event. Plus, with Yokozuna becoming the first rule-breaker to walk out of Wrestlemania the WWF Champion, we have a real historic moment… but… wait…
MATCH 9- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- YOKOZUNA VS. HULK HOGAN
Hulk Hogan storms down to the ring, outraged at the injustice that has just befallen Bret Hart, who has been his close personal friend for all of half an hour now. Spying him on the floor, Mr. Fuji is all like “oh, hey, I’ve just had a kickin’ rad idea! Yokozuna vs. Hulk Hogan, for the WWF Championship, right now! Ahhhhh, what a super manager I am. FujiMania truly is running wild.” Somehow, I don’t think Bobby Heenan would have made this decision. Hogan, after consulting with Bret Hart, accepts Fuji’s challenge, and we have another championship match!
Fuji decides that since the salt worked so well the first time, he’s going to try it again, but this time Hogan dodges and it sprays Yokozuna in the face! Hulk takes advantage with a clothesline, a leg drop, and a WWF Championship victory! N/R. But this was very silly. It was a nice moment for the live crowd, but watching Hulk Hogan proudly stomp around the ring with the championship when only two minutes ago he wasn’t meant to be anywhere near the title picture makes this all seem like self parody.
