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Jack Likes WrestleMania & Hates Donald Trump’s Business Empire: WrestleMania V

March 2, 2015 | Posted by Jack Stevenson
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Jack Likes WrestleMania & Hates Donald Trump’s Business Empire: WrestleMania V  

WRESTLEMANIA V

The show doesn’t get off to an ideal start, as the WWF’s streak of superb musical guests singing ‘America the Beautiful’ comes to a screeching halt at three. Rockin’ Robin is the WWF Women’s Champion but no one can be fucked with getting her an opponent to defend her title against, so she’s tasked with singing instead. She does her best but, as Jesse Ventura notes, she should probably stick to the day job. As the supposed figurehead of an entire gender in wrestling, Robin was more than worthy of a bout on the show, much more so than Hercules or Ronnie Garvin or Dino Bravo or the Red Rooster. They should have The Red Rooster sing the darn song. America the Cockle Doodle-Doo-tiful.

MATCH ICHI- HERCULES VS. KING HAKU

Hercules is out for a measure of revenge on Bobby Heenan after he was ditched by ‘the Brain,’ so he’s going after his new charge King Haku in the opener.

There are some nice power moves dotted throughout this. Hercules clotheslines Haku to the floor and then hoists him back into the ring with a suplex, before Haku retaliates with a brace of backbreakers after Herc is distracted by chasing Bobby Heenan. However, the match largely hinges on two top rope catastrophes. First, Hercules dives off the peak turnbuckle but sails right into a Crescent Kick from Haku. The King then decides to try a top rope move of his own, but his Diving Headbutt hits nothing but canvas. That primes him for a back suplex with a bridge from Hercules, which is enough to secure the victory! ** ¾. Pretty fun little power match to kick things off. Hercules’ Wrestlemania record is actually impressive, his bouts with Steamboat, Haynes and Haku have all delivered the goods. Hercules is the uncrowned Mr. Wrestlemania.

MATCH NI- THE ROCKERS VS. THE TWIN TOWERS

I don’t recall anything overtly racist occurring at Wrestlemanias III and IV, but fuck, Akeem makes up for that ten times over. There is no level on which the character isn’t absolutely horrifying.

Overlooking that rather sizeable issue though, the body of the match itself is pretty good. The Rockers impress with their quick tags and smooth high flying, taking Akeem down with a double shoulderblock off the second rope for two. The Twin Towers have their moments as well though, with Big Boss Man absolutely wrecking Shawn with a vile clothesline! The air is definitely Rockers’ territory though, as Boss Man finds out when he misses a top rope splash. The Rockers follow this by nailing a double missile dropkick on Big Boss Man for a two count. Akeem sends Marty out to the floor, so Michaels goes to the top rope alone! He gets caught in mid air with a powerbomb though, and Akeem polishes him off with Air Africa. ** ¾. A lively clash of double Davids and Goliaths. Nothing all that substantial, but it continued the card’s good start.

MATCH SAN- BRUTUS BEEFCAKE VS. TED DIBIASE

Brutus gets off to the much stronger start, sending Ted flying all around the ring and at one point stringing three bodyslams in a row together. DiBiase can only get a foothold in the match when Virgil trips him up! Unfortunately his control segment isn’t so exciting, and the match only livens up again when they simultaneously clothesline each other for a double knockdown. From there, DiBiase hits a suplex and cinches in the Million Dollar Dream, but Beefcake quickly makes the ropes. He then bounces Ted’s head off the turnbuckles ten times, and that softens him up for Brutus to lock in his own sleeper! This draws Virgil onto the ring apron, and Beefcake goes after him, chasing him around on the floor. DiBiase follows and triggers a brawl, which lasts long enough for both men to be counted out. **. This was OK, although I wouldn’t have remembered much of it without taking notes!

MATCH YON- THE BUSHWHACKERS VS. THE FABULOUS ROUGEAUS

Gorilla Monsoon is pretty vile towards the Rougeaus on commentary, claiming that they can’t be American citizens because they weren’t born there. Supposed bad guy Jesse Ventura calls him out on this sudden rush of xenophobia. Late eighties WWF is bloody weird, sometimes.

After initially struggling with the Bushwhackers’ zany antics, the Rougeaus are able to take complete control of the match. Luke becomes isolated and worn down by the despicable, uh, immigrants. The Rougeaus think things are wrapped up when Jacques cracks Luke with a crescent kick, and begin to celebrate! This is a bad idea, as it gives time for the Bushwhackers to plot a successful Battering Ram! A double gutbuster to Raymond finishes. ¾ *. The Bushwhackers are perhaps the most tiresome comedy act WWF have ever put together, and think how much ground that covers!

MATCH GO- THE BLUE BLAZER VS. MR. PERFECT

Owen Hart is of course the man under the Blue Blazer costume, making this quite the enticing contest!

Blazer takes the initiative In this by dropkicking Perfect out to the floor, and then following him with a Baseball Slide! His impressive aerial tactics don’t work forever though, as a top rope splash only meets knees. However, a surprisingly inconsistent Perfect can’t take advantage, as Blazer gets his boots up when Curt charges at him in the corner. Blazer lands a powerslam and a sublime belly to belly for two. Just when things are looking mighty rosy for Blazer, Perfect quickly forearms him, and hooks the Perfect-Plex to wrap it up! ***. Only about five minutes long, but it was a very impressive sprint while it lasted, incredibly technically sound and with some of the most high-tech moves Wrestlemania had seen at this point.

Throughout the show, Jesse has been promising Gorilla a “big surprise” at some point in the night. That surprise turns out to be… Jesse standing on the announce table and striking some poses to the glee of the crowd. The big reveal is legit hilarious, especially as Jesse seems convinced that Monsoon will be delighted by this, and he did the exact same thing last year!

Run DMC perform a Wrestlemania rap! Genuinely, it’s worse than Men on a Mission’s effort five years later. The best lyric is “Who is going to lose? Who is going to win? Who is going to be the champion?”

MATCH ROKU- WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS- DEMOLITION VS. THE POWERS OF PAIN & MR. FUJI

At Survivor Series 1988, Mr. Fuji abandoned his tag team champions Demolition in favour of the Powers of Pain, apparently believing they were a better long term bet. He’s led his new charges to a title match, but there’s a catch- Fuji himself will be involved, making it a 3 on 2 handicap match, with Demolition hungry for revenge.

This has a pretty intriguing dynamic- long stretches of hard hitting power wrestling punctuated by occasional moments of sneakiness from Mr. Fuji. He is successful at doing a choke, but not at a flying elbow from the top rope. Baby steps, Fuji, baby steps! Ax plays face in peril for a little while, before ducking a clothesline from The Warlord and landing one of his own. Smash comes in off the hot tag and delivers bodyslams and clotheslines to both Warlord and Barbarian. Fuji decides to take matters into his own hands and throw salt into the eyes of Smash. Unfortunately for Fuj and his title dreams, Smash ducks, and the salt peppers the eyes of the Warlord instead! That’s sufficient to take care of him, and gives Demolition the opportunity to crush their former manager with the Demolition Device, and retain their tag team championships! ** ¼. The sequences between the actual wrestlers alternated between pleasingly lumpy exchanges of power, and mundane exchanges of strikes. Fuji made a contribution, but no more so than Heenan did in last year’s six man tag. Still, this wasn’t bad.

MATCH NANA- RONNIE GARVIN VS. DINO BRAVO

Jimmy Snuka inexplicably comes out to ringside before this match and does literally nothing. Like, I don’t even know what happens to him, he comes out, then Garvin and Bravo have a wrestling match and we don’t hear from him again.

Gorilla Monsoon believes the fans are in “awe” of this match. The line between “awe” and “disinterest” is a fine one. Garvin looks like a Sting impersonator from a disreputable, post World of Sport U.K independent show. The match is four minutes of nothing, concluded by Bravo hitting a side slam for the three count. ¾ *. Post match an embarrassed Garvin stomps Bravo’s manager Frenchy in the usual fashion.

MATCH HACHI- STRIKE FORCE VS. THE BRAIN BUSTERS

This is not Tito Santana’s finest hour. First, Tully Blanchard dodges out the way of an attempted Flying Forearm, sending Santana crashing into Martel! With his partner incapacitated, he falls victim of the tag team formula, with the Brain Busters wearing him down. Eventually he’s able to turn the tide by slamming Arn off the top rope, but a furious Martel is not interested in tagging in, and decides to just walk out of the match! Obviously, it’s advantage Brain Busters again. Anderson drives Santana down with his signature spinebuster. Is there anyone in wrestling history who has mastered a move like Anderson did the spinebuster? In his vice like grip it becomes almost a brutal dance, the aesthetic fluidity of the lift and spin matched by the sheer nastiness of being suddenly crushed into the canvas. It’s probably only matched by the Diamond Cutter, in terms of how visually pleasing and explosive it is. Anyway, Santana is disappointingly able to weather the move, and even launches a brief fightback, but soon gets mashed into the mat with a double spike piledriver, handing the Brain Busters victory in their only Wrestlemania appearance. ***. Good tag match, with some very nice sequences and a semi-historic moment in Martel’s desertion. It had a couple of factors holding it back from being on the level of the Brain Busters best work though- the crowd were pretty lifeless, and a nine minute run time isn’t long enough to build the drama that Rick Martel’s walk out needed.

Roddy Piper sucks up time with a pretty awful Piper’s Pit, featuring Brother Love and shock jock Morton Downey Jr. If this was a modern Wrestlemania, and Kid Rock wasn’t involved somehow, this would be a two minute backstage skit, but in 1989 it drones on for ages and just denies us more wrestling. The show didn’t need any more matches, but if they’d divided the unnecessary time spent on this between, say, Blazer vs. Perfect and Strike Force vs. Brainbusters, this could have been an even better show. It’s fascinating to see these little missteps with hindsight though, to see the show evolving before our eyes.

A preview for No Holds Barred! Jesse Ventura is amusingly furious that Hogan would dare step on his Hollywood turf, and in fairness, while he’s meant to be a heel, fury is essentially the correct response to a viewing of No Holds Barred. It’s really cool that the Network leaves in these little historical curiosities.

Hulk Hogan cuts a tremendous promo on Randy Savage, even if he does stumble over his words at one point and call Savage his mother. He gets in another great reference to Donald Trump, claiming he sent a team of seismologists over to inspect Trump Towers because the eruption of the Megapowers is in danger of destroying them. Watching the build up to the main event does make you feel sorry for Savage though- he’s lost his best friend and his beloved manager having succumbed to a paranoid, jealous rage, and when Hogan jibes that Macho Madness was never as popular as Hulkamania and he’s going to lose his WWF Championship, it feels like he’s kicking a man when he’s down.

MATCH KYU- JAKE ROBERTS VS. ANDRE THE GIANT

Big John Studd is the special guest referee for this match. Tensions are high between he and Andre throughout the match, with both men still clearly remembering the Body Slam challenge from Wrestlemania I.

Andre’s plan for the match is to choke Roberts as much as Studd will allow him to, and mix in some kicks and a nerve hold when necessary. He stands on his chest at one point as well, and no matter how careful Andre was, I can’t even imagine allowing him to do that to me! His stratregy is effective, but not exciting. Eventually Andre chops Jake out the ring and refuses to let him back in, so Roberts goes for his snake while Big John and the Giant argue. The minute Studd turns his back, Andre is on the attack, but the referee can hold his own! Meanwhile, Roberts’ attempt to unleash Damien is thwarted when Ted DiBiase appears, stealing the creature and shepherding him back to the locker room in his bag. Jake gives chase while Andre chokes out the supposed referee as the match descends into anarchy.. Roberts retrieves Damien from the Million Dollar man’s clutches and chases Andre away with it, as Studd decides to call for the bell and hand the victory to Jake via DQ! ½ *. The finishing stretch was kind of fun in a farcical way, but the bout that preceded it was a bit of a chore.

MATCH JU- THE HART FOUNDATION VS. RHYTHM & BLUES

The Hart Foundation utilise a neat double team early on, with Bret slingshotting Jim over the rope rope and into Valentine with a shoulder block. Bret then fulfils the face in peril role, Honky Tonk and Hammer working him over with some solid but unspectacular offense. Honky Tonk is able to hit the Shake, Rattle & Roll, but strangely elects not to go for the cover. By the time he’s tagged out and Valentine is looking to lock in the figure four, Hitman has enough to power out of it. The hot tag is made to Neidhart, who mows through Rhythm & Blues, forcing them to get desperate. Honky Tonk tries to use the megaphone, but Neidhart wrests it from him and lobs it to Bret, He then brains Tonk with it, and that’s enough for three! **. Just a competent tag match. The kind of match that wouldn’t look out of place on a modern episode of Superstars if you modernised the movesets.

MATCH JU ICHI- INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR VS. RICK RUDE

Rude tries to attack Warrior before the match has begun by kneeing him in the gut- but he’s forgotten that Warrior still has his IC Title belt on, protecting him from the blow! Cool spot. The match swings back and forth, although Rude seems so worn down from repeated Warrior bearhugs it’s too painful for him to even gyrate his torso. He tries to slow things down with a surfboard, but Warrior fights free and rallies with a flying shoulderblock and a pair of facebusters and a backbreaker. He misses a Stinger Splash though, allowing Rick to attempt the Rude Awakening, but Warrior roars out of it and clotheslines him out to the floor! The champ tries to suplex him back in, but Bobby Heenan sweeps his legs away mid move and Rude falls on top of him in a pinning position. The Weasel keeps clinging onto the leg, and it keeps Warrior down for a three! New champion! Warrior’s first pinfall defeat in WWE! ** ¼. II thought this felt a little bit messy and directionless in places, there wasn’t much rhyme or reason to what was occurring. Considering how limited Warrior was though, the pace of the bout was quite impressive, and even in defeat, this was probably the biggest leap Warrior took to becoming the man who was tasked with leading the WWF into the nineties.

MATCH JU NI- HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN VS. BAD NEWS BROWN

This is a stodgy old scrap. They just kind of brawl aimlessly for a few minutes. Brown attempts the Ghetto Blaster, but Duggan dodges it and nails the Three Point Clothesline to send his foe scurrying to the floor. That triggers a brawl to the outside, where Brown seizes a chair and takes it into the ring. Duggan counters with his 2×4, and they bash each other with their weapons for a Double DQ. ½ *.

MATCH JU SAN- THE RED ROOSTER VS. BOBBY HEENAN

Rooster pins his old manager in thirty seconds after Heenan misses an attempted shoulderblock. N/R. You’d have to say, on the whole, acquiring the Red Rooster was a real misstep from Heenan.

MATCH JU YON- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- RANDY SAVAGE VS. HULK HOGAN

With Elizabeth watching from ringside in a ‘neutral’ capacity! Considering that this crowd largely consists of disinterested gamblers and Donald Trump cronies, it’s remarkable what a big match feel this has. Perhaps it’s because everyone can invest in this rivalry on some level- as I said in the teaser, and as Morrissey once wisely sang, “we hate it when our friends become successful,” and that’s really what this feud boils down to. Not just in ring success, but success with the fans, success with women (one woman in particular!). At times in our lives, we’ve all been Hulk Hogan, and we’ve all been Randy Savage, and the characters are broad enough that you don’t need to have followed the whole of the feud to immediately understand and appreciate it.

Both men are willing to do some of the catch as catch can in the early goings, with Hogan even stringing together a nice, fluid combination of hammerlock/drop toe hold/front facelock. Randy isn’t playing it totally fair though, hiding behind Elizabeth on one occasion to disrupt Hulk’s momentum. Hogan picks up Savage and just hurls him over the top rope! Eek! Elizabeth tries to check on Savage, but he’s not interested in her pity. Hogan follows on out to the floor and intends to drive Macho into the post, but Elizabeth is really struggling to keep her emotions in check now and physically blocks Hulk from doing it. This allows Savage to slip out the back and shove Hogan into the post! Elizabeth darts out the way to avoid being crushed. At this point, the referee decides to send her to the back, which is probably for the best- she’s been too helpful to Savage and we can’t guarantee she’s not an evil twin whom Macho has manufactured with plastic surgery. The momentum’s still with Savage and he launches a barrage of moves as this match really hits a higher gear; among the many, many things he was wonderful at, Macho really could make you believe that the match you’re watching was a matter of life or death. A big double axe handle from the top rope across the guardrail, another elbow right to the throat, even some desperate, illegal choking with wrist tape. Eventually, Hogan seems down and out, and Randy puts the finishing touches on him with the Flying Elbow! Except, infamously, this seems to ‘revive’ Hogan, who starts to Hulk-up. From there, it’s the big boot, it’s the leg drop, and it’s Hulk Hogan, WWF Champion again! This was an absolute classic until the finish, an in ring classic that also seamlessly weaved in the tension surrounding the supposedly neutral Elizabeth. Lesser matches would have struggled to keep that story thread from becoming overbearing, but Hogan and Savage are two of the best story tellers in wrestling history, so they handled it superbly. They really built to a frenzy as well, the final five minutes were just super exciting. I absolutely hate the finish though, it’s like the world shittiest fighting spirit spot. It’s strange because ordinarily Hogan was superb at knowing exactly when to time his Hulk Ups, to the point where the same sequence worked over and over again for years and years. It’s just not narratively satisfying to have him pop right up, out of nowhere, from Savage’s supposedly infallible flying elbow though. They’d built such an intense finishing stretch, but Hogan made the comeback seem frustratingly effortless. It stops the match from being considered one of the all time great Mania main events, but it’s still a very impressive bout, and definitely the best headline act up to this point in terms of pure action and excitement. It served as a satisfying ending to a marvellous angle, and that’s sufficient. *** ¾.

7.0
The final score: review Good
The 411
A huge step up from Wrestlemania IV, with a much more vibrant undercard and an exciting, dramatic, worthy main event. It was far from a perfect show- Trump Plaza is still a horrid venue and there were still too many matches, but even little sprints like Blazer-Perfect and Strike Force-Brainbusters delivered more than even the best matches from the previous year's event did. Despite its flaws, Hogan-Savage is a timeless bout and should be seen at least once. This is much more digestible as a show if you view it in smaller chunks rather than one big sitting, but it's broadly a decent event, one of the best of the early Wrestlemanias. I recommend it in a mild fashion!
legend

article topics :

WrestleMania 5, Jack Stevenson