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Jack Likes Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania III

February 28, 2015 | Posted by Jack Stevenson
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Jack Likes Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania III  

WRESTLEMANIA III
Live from the tremendous Pontiac Silverdome, in front of 93,000 fans unless you are a tedious hater of fun. It seems as if Wrestlemania 32 may well top that attendance record next year, as it’s being held in the 105,000 capacity AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. I think that’s kind of a shame, because it will really detract from the mystique of Hogan, Andre and the 93,000 if Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt or whatever can outdraw it on a technicality. Aretha Franklin gets the event off to a fine start by rattling out a lovely ‘America the Beautiful.’ Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are in the commentary booth, with TV personality Mary Hart and baseball legend Bob Uecker popping up throughout the evening.

MATCH UN- THE CAN-AM CONNECTION VS. BOB ORTON & DON MURACO w/ MR. FUJI: Two Wrestlemania debutants in The Can-Am Connection- Tom Zenk and Rick Martel. Martel would have some more memorable ‘Mania moments over the next few years, but this isn’t a bad debut for him at all. He dazzles Muraco with some neat high flying, including a proto-huracanrana. Zenk also has the better of Fuji’s charges and makes Muraco accidentally punch Orton in the face. Eventually a sly knee to the back from Bob on the apron to Rick in the ring allows the rule-breakers to get into the match. Not for long though, as Zenk comes in off a hot tag and pandemonium breaks loose! Muraco somehow backdrops Orton by accident, and gets punished for his mistake when Martel crossbodies him for the pin, Zenk sweeping the legs away as Don falls! * ½ One sided opener, but you get used to matches structured like that after watching a few early Wrestlemanias. The Can-Am Connection were entertaining and kept the pace up, so the match definitely accomplished its purpose.

MATCH DEUX- BILLY JACK HAYNES VS. HERCULES w/ BOBBY HEENAN: This match came about when Heenan challenged Billy Jack Haynes to try and break Hercules’ Full Nelson hold. Heenan chickened out at the last minute though, and instead got his client to just beat the heck out of Haynes instead. Billy had a nifty Full Nelson of his own as well. It becomes apparent during Hercules’ pre match promo that he sincerely believes he is the Hercules of mythology and lore, which is the kind of goofy yet admirably stoic commitment to character that everyone on the modern WWE roster bar perhaps Bray Wyatt lacks.

Haynes lands an impressive press slam on Hercules and then goes for the Full Nelson, which causes the rule-breaker to run for his life/the sanctity of his submission hold. Hercules soon roars back though with a big clothesline. Baaaaaaaaaaack body drop! Picture perfect vertical suplex! Hercules is looking sharp. Haynes fires back but can’t get a suplex of his own. Hercules hits a nice backbreaker, then a press slam that closer resembles a press throw! He now deems Haynes ready for the Full Nelson, but he can’t lock the fingers. Despite this there’s enougb about the hold to nearly sap the life out of Billy Jack, but at the appropriate moment he powers out to the glee of the crowd! Dual clotheslines leave both men on their back. Haynes snaps off an inverted atomic drop, startung to string some moves together. This culminates in a Full Nelson attempt of his own, and he even briefly locks the fingers! They tumble out to the floor in this most curious embrace, and stay there long enough for the double count-out to be called. Heenan unwisely takes a cheap shot at Haynes and gets stalked around ringside, but the distraction allows Hercules to clobber his nemesis with a chain wrapped fist! And again! And a third time! And a fourth! Billy Jack is busted wiiiiiiiide open! Finally Hercules can lock on his Full Nelson, which he does for effect. ** ½ A very respectable power battle, much better than you might expect if you hadn’t already read a few Wrestlemania III reviews that inform you this match is much better than you might expect. There was a nice, simple story to hook into and again the pace was excellent.

MATCH TROIS- HILLBILLY JIM, THE HAITI KID & LITTLE BEAVER VS. KING KONG BUNDY, LITTLE TOKYO & LORD LITTLEBROOK: First example of antiquated social attitudes of the evening! But we’re already doing better than Wrestlemania II. We’ve got four little people presented for comedic effect, one of them dressed as a Native American.

The little wrestlers run through a few vaguely comedic sequences as the announcers espouse a few insensitive eighties attitudes. King Kong Bundy slams Little Beaver and drops an elbow on him, which causes the DQ and raises the ire of the other little people. They drag Beaver to safety, and Hillbilly Jim clubs Bundy from the ring.0. Not this event’s finest hour.

Mary Hart tries to get an interview with Elizabeth, but that dickhead Randy Savage just talks all over her! And also hits on Hart for good measure.

MATCH QUATRE- THE JUNKYARD DOG VS. HARLEY RACE w/ BOBBY HEENAN & THE FABULOUS MOOLAH: Junkyard Dog considered it inappropriate that Harley Race proclaimed himself ‘King’ because America has never has royalty, and his mother and father taught him to never bow down to anyone. So of course Harley Race and Bobby Heenan beat him up. Now, if JYD loses this match, he must bow to the King. The Fabulous Moolah is in Race’s corner and Bob Uecker is smitten! Uecker is one of the best celebrity guests WWF have ever had- charming, enthusiastic, and knowledgeable.

Heenan gets chased around ringside for the second time this evening, but again it gives his wrestler a chance to take control. Race misses a falling headbutt off the apron onto the floor! In fact, that kind of sums up the match, much of which is a past his peak Harley just flopping around. Another falling headbutt connects, but JYD’s head is too hard! As Race further learns when JYD dishes out some crawling headbutts of his own. Bobby Heenan takes matters into his own hands by jumping up on the apron, and the distraction allows Race to drop JYD with a belly to back suplex for the win! Of course, Junkyard Dog won’t acquiesce to Harley’s demands, and cracks the king with a chair! ½ *. Neither man looked in peak physical condition, so it’s probably best they kept it short.

In the locker room, Hulk Hogan furiously talks about the people who think this match against Andre is going to be his last ride. Because all Hulk has to do is beat a 7ft 4, 550 pound giant, where Andre has to beat all the Hulkamaniacs, and everyone who doesn’t take any short cuts in life! The truth, the 24 inch pythons, and Hulkamania are going to run wild on Andre! What’s he going to do when that happens, I wonder?

MATCH CINQ- THE ROUGEAU BROTHERS VS. THE DREAM TEAM w/ DINO BRAVO & JOHNNY VALIANT: This one starts suspiciously similar to the opening tag match, the Rougeaus controlling with some nice aerial offense. Valentine is able to take the initiative though when Jacques misses a high crossbody from the second rope. Heenan joins commentary to brag about being two for two tonight, as Billy Jack apparently took a draw because he knew he couldn’t actually win! Meanwhile, Raymond roars back for the Rougeaus, and Brutus accidentally clatters into Greg with an axe handle. That primes Greg for a nifty Le Bombe De Rougeau, but Dino Bravo sneaks in to attack Raymond and put Valentine on top of him for the three count. * ½. Yeah, not much difference between this and the opener other than the finish. It loses a little for being so derivative and gains a little for being more even. Post match, Greg, Johnny and Dino ditch Brutus in the ring and ride off into the sunset on a motorised ring cart.

MATCH SIX- HAIR VS. HAIR- RODDY PIPER VS. ADRIAN ADONIS w/ JIMMY HART: I think all matches featuring ‘Adorable’ Adrian Adonis are going to be problematic in a modern context, but some matches make it easier to grit your teeth through the homophobia and enjoy the actual wrestling than others. This bout is something special, a hugely underrated component of what some people dumbly dismiss as a “two match card.” This was scheduled to be Roddy Piper’s final wrestling match ever, and would complete a wonderful little narrative arc for him, transformed from the loathsome villain of Wrestlemania I into a redeemed bad-ass hunting the hated Adrian Adonis to Wrestlemania III, via a controversial Boxing match at Wrestlemania II in which the crowd started to get behind him en masse. OK, the reason Adonis was so disliked was because he was effeminate and possibly homosexual, so the perfect story is kind of compromised at this point, but still, Piper got a rousing ovation from the 93,000 and the emotion was tangible. Would Piper go out with a victory?

As for the nuts and bolts of the feud (although that’s kind of a dismissive way to introduce a cracking rivalry), Adrian Adonis attacked Roddy Piper on Piper’s Pit, so Piper went a little bit loco and dismantled Adonis’ rival show, ‘The Flower Shop,’ with a baseball bat in a spectacular segment. Piper would try and get his hands on Jimmy Hart on multiple occasions, but Adonis would take the opportunity to attack him with weapons. Piper angrily tells us he will not be humiliated in his final match. And he’s only mildly homophobic in the process! Delightful. Adonis ponders all the different ways he could butcher Piper’s hair.

Roddy cracks Adrian with a belt right from the get go, and even chokes Jimmy Hart with it! Then Adonis retrieves the belt and does some whipping off his own. Roddy soon retaliates by sending Adrian head over heels into the corner, and then uses Jimmy Hart as a kind of makeshift weapon against his opponent, knockin’ their noggins together and ultimately just plain throwing Jimmy at Adrian. Hart gets a measure of revenge by tripping Piper though, allowing Adonis to take control. A fired up Roddy dares his opponent to bring it on, and may regret it when Jimmy Hart spritzers perfume in his face. Adonis cinches in his sleeper hold, Goodnight Irene, and desperately clings on. Hart dances around ringside, waving his clippers in the air. Adonis thinks the sleeper has passed Piper out, but he lets go too soon, allowing Brutus Beefcake to sneak in and revive Roddy! Piper takes advantage with a quick sleeper, and it’s enough to get the victory!!! Beefcake gleefully shears the hair of Adrian and ponders whether he could make a career of this, while Piper triumphantly pins Jimmy Hart down under his foot. The rule-breakers shamble to the back, deeply embarrassed, allowing Piper to strut around the ring and bask in the adoration of the fans in a moment that’s genuinely moving if you forget he’d be back in three years to be racist towards Bad News Brown. *** ¼. A tiny little emotional rollercoaster. You couldn’t go much higher with it being so short, but the match was packed with twists and turns and drama, and the finish was so cathartic. It’s not quite as effective a match without the full weight of the emotion of Piper’s retirement, and the compelling feud that lived up to it, but 28 years removed you can still get a sense of what made this so special.

MATCH SEPT- THE BRITISH BULLDOGS & TITO SANTANA VS. THE HART FOUNDATION & DANNY DAVIS w/ JIMMY HART: Danny Davis was a referee who’d been banned for “life plus ten years” for deliberately cheating The British Bulldogs and Tito Santana out of titles. So we get this six man! Matilda the Dog causes panic within the ranks of the Hart Foundation, and The Bulldogs further that by press slamming Jimmy Hart over the top rope and onto his wrestlers! Jesse Venture carefully escorts Matilda to the back. Mary Hart is hugely keen to establish that she’s not related to these despicable Harts! She’s really not bad on commentary. This is typical tag team formula, with a welcome step up in intensity from the earlier matches. Danny Davis takes cheap shots when he feels he can do so without risking getting the piss beaten out of him. Even with such caution he’s still in trouble though- Bret and Jim attempt to slingshot him onto Dynamite with a splash, but Kid gets the knees up and makes the hot tag to Tito! Santana then decimates Davis and attempts the figure-four, but Neidhart says no. Davey Boy takes out some frustration on the crooked ref as well, even nailing an early version of the Tombstone Piledriver! Pandemonium breaks loose as everyone piles into the ring, and in the chaos Danny Davis is somehow able to pin Bulldog for the three count! ** ¾ I think this felt the most notably rushed of the matches so far; with a lengthier Bulldog-Harts segment and Danny Davis’ heel antics getting a bit more time to grate, this could have been fantastic. It was still one of the better undercard matches though.

Bobby Heenan tells us why Andre the Giant will become the WWF Champion tonight- Andre is 15 years undefeated, and he’s bigger and stronger than Hulk. Andre is undefeatable, and will be the new Heavyweight champion of the world.

MATCH HUIT- KOKO B. WARE VS. BUTCH REED w/ SLICK: Broadly, I think it’s correct and not just overly nostalgic to say that WWF had more vibrant, memorable, likeable, better portrayed- heck, just plain better characters in the late eighties. However, Butch Reed’s character was that he had dyed his hair blonde. So, his nickname, ‘The Natural,’ didn’t make sense at all! Yeppppp. Jesse Ventura informs us that future Beyond the Mat director Barry Blaustein thinks this is the most exciting match on the card! I’ll leave that statement there with no further comment. Another match in which a peppy fan favourite battles a lumbering villain. Frankie the Parrot cheerfully daydreams. Koko goes for a high crossbody, but Butch Reed rolls through with a handful of tights for a win. Maybe just about long enough to deliver a ½ * rating. Tito Santana goes after Slick post match, ripping his fancy clothes off. Tito and Koko send Butch from the ring with a double dropkick and stand tall in the ring!
Oooohhhh….

MATCH NEUF- INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- RANDY SAVAGE w/ ELIZABETH VS. RICKY STEAMBOAT: I think doing a conventional match review of Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat, where you chronologically recap all the moves that happened and then assign a star rating, is pretty tedious and reductive. We all know that this match is incredible. The more pertinent question is, is this the greatest match of all time? I don’t think so, I think there’s one, perhaps two even in Wrestlemania history that just edge it out. For a match to be seriously considered as the greatest to ever occur, anywhere, any time, ever, I think it has to perform a ridiculously difficult balancing act. The greatest match ever should be particularly rewarding when viewed in the wider context of the rivalry it was a part of- it can’t just be a standalone exhibition, it has to further or preferably finish a story, and it has to do that by tying in all that story’s various branching threads to reward the fans of the time who would be utterly invested in it. There is no disputing that Savage-Steamboat accomplishes that. It accomplishes that most spectacularly when Savage tries to use the ring bell against Steamboat, which called back to the alarming incident nearly six months prior when Randy tried to crush Ricky’s larynx with said instrument. Macho is prevented from doing this in the Silverdome by George Steele, whose presence in turn calls back to last year’s Wrestlemania, when Savage cheated the Animal in their own Intercontinental Title match. Steele’s decision to be in Steamboat’s corner is also motivated by his long time infatuation by Elizabeth, who is consistently mistreated by her man companion Randy Savage. That’s three, maybe four long term stories woven into one, maybe two actions- Savage grabbing the ring bell and Steele stopping him from using it.

Yet, while achieving all of that, it somehow also has to be a similarly compulsory, vital viewing experience for anyone who is watching the match in a vacuum- a viewer who knows the whole background behind a feud should feel like they are being rewarded for doing so, but a viewer who doesn’t shouldn’t feel excluded or lost at any point, no matter whether they’re watching one day after the bout, or 28 years. There is one moment in this match that I think breaks that rule, and, while small and unassuming, it’s significant enough to stop it, in my eyes, being a five star match. It’s this (I’m such a fucking joyless pedant sometimes): Savage drops his picture perfect flying elbow on Steamboat and makes the cover, but the referee is unconscious and can’t make the count. If justice had been served, Randy Savage would have retained his Intercontinental Championship. For others, that moment will be completely irrelevant, and they’re probably quite right- plus, up and down this show there’s example of fan favourites behaving not entirely ethically and getting wild cheers from the fans for it, so within the culture of late eighties WWF Steamboat getting lucky off an accidental referee accident is not worth caring about. But, for me, it’s jarring- I don’t like heels coming away from feud ending matches with legitimate grievances. The art of the very best heels is to be recognisably human characters who are, to a degree, rational and relatable, while simultaneously ensuring their despicable actions do not reflect that mindset. If something else had happened that could conceivably give Savage a sense of injustice, if something had happened that would enable fans to see his point while not agreeing with him in any way, shape or form- perfect match. But in the big, final blow-off match to this wonderful, career defining rivalry, Steamboat gets very lucky on his way to victory, and I don’t think that’s completely satisfactory storytelling. Negativity over! Let’s just go over why everyone fucking adores this bout in the first place for a bit. There are numerous moments where Steamboat makes the cover, Savage kicks out at the final millisecond of the two count, and the crowd become absolutely unglued, thinking Steamboat has won. There are surely other matches that have elicited such genuine, uncontrollably excited, almost childlike reactions from grown adults (and yeah also a fair few children), but none stick out as clearly in my head. While we’re talking about near-falls, this match has these glorious, scorching stretches of them, where both guys just string move after move together for razor sharp two counts. It starts with Savage cracking Steamboat with a running elbow for two, snapping him throat first across the top rope for two, getting an atomic drop for two, a suplex for two, a gutwrench suplex for two, and it’s all so rapid fire and thrilling and yet so flawlessly executed in a mechanical sense as well. Ricky roars back later in similar fashion- trying three different pinning combinations, all for two counts, before slingshotting him into the turnbuckles and pinning him on the way down for another two! The execution isn’t just perfect here, it’s immaculate the whole match, making a very strong case for Savage’s preference of meticulously scripting his bouts in advance rather than relying on the ‘rasslin tradition of calling it in the ring. Plus there’s all the callbacks to earlier moments in the feud that I mentioned earlier, and the beautifully simple finish where, after everything they’ve thrown at each other, Steamboat eventually finds the key to victory by countering a body slam into an inside cradle, a single, graceful motion that is somehow just so satisfying to watch. I don’t think it’s a five star match, but it is mighty, mighty close. **** ¾.

MATCH DIX- JAKE ROBERTS w/ ALICE COOPER VS. THE HONKY TONK MAN w/ JIMMY HART: Jake Roberts and Alice Cooper are just the most bad-ass duo in the history of everything. Cooler than Sherlock and Dr. Watson, or Batman and Robin, or Bert and Ernie. The match is a pretty respectable effort as well, especially considering what it had to follow. They have a decent, back and forth brawl, with both men taking care to avoid the other’s finisher. Roberts is first to try his with a DDT, but HTM dodges to the floor, where he sends a chasing Jake flying into the barricade! Nasty. Honky Tonk looks to hit Shake, Rattle and Roll, but Jake back body drops his way out of it, then follows an inverted atomic drop with another one to surely leave Vince McMahon breathless somewhere. Jake cues up the DDT, but the ever pesky Jimmy Hart provides a distraction. This allows Honky Tonk to roll up Roberts, and grabs the ropes for an extra layer of cheating and the victory. Don’t think the rule-breakers get away with it though! Roberts and Cooper kidnap Jimmy Hart as Honky Tonk runs for the hills, and Damian gets the opportunity to feast! Though as it happens he’s more up for some chilled out slithering. Still, imagine being trapped in a Full Nelson by Jake Roberts while Alice Cooper waves a fucking python in your face! How did an entire generation of America’s youths not have the most horrific nightmares? ** ½

MATCH ONZE- THE KILLER BEES w/ HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN VS. THE IRON SHEIK & NIKOLAI VOLKOFF w/ SLICK: Jim Duggan refuses to allow Nikolai Volkoff to sing the Russian National Anthem before the match. This act has received a lot of criticism over the years, with people branding Duggan a hypocrite for denying Nikolai his fundamental right to free speech. But surely free speech has its limitations? If Volkoff is singing Soviet songs solely to upset and antagonise the American audience, if he is offering nothing constructive or positive in doing so, then is Duggan perhaps in the right to prevent this abuse of something so important? This is an OK tag match, but not particularly distinguishable from the earlier examples on the show. The Bees play sprightly springy faces and the foreigners are the clubberin’ bad guys. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell makes the hot tag to B. Brian Blair after being beaten down in the standard fashion, but the referee just doesn’t see it! Sheik cinches the Camel Clutch in on Brunzell, and at that point Duggan decides this is an injustice and cheerfully smashes Sheik with his 2×4, drawing the disqualification. * ½.

MATCH DEUZE- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- HULK HOGAN VS. ANDRE THE GIANT:There is something so special about this match that cannot really be put into words, but I’m going to give it a go anyway. This is essentially the perfect manifestation of every single trait of late eighties wrestling that makes people of a certain age so fuzzy and nostalgic and warm inside. Hulk Hogan is here, resplendent in the iconic red and yellow. He is untainted by drug allegations, repeated unappealing comebacks, and a bizarre psychosexual relationship with his daughter. He is everything that we believe a hero looks and acts like- muscular and powerful with flowing blond hair, possessing a simple yet fiercely felt moral code that he will stop at nothing to uphold. He is on our side and he is going to protect us from the scary outside world. He’s going to slay a giant. Andre the Giant is everything we fear, and not coincidentally the precise opposite of Hogan. He’s huge, unfathomably, unsurpassably huge. He’s foreign, which I think is terrifying on a deep rooted level when you’re young and need things to be comfortable and familiar. Giant’s voice was slurring, deeply accented, and difficult to understand. These things come together to make him every bit as complex as Hulk Hogan was simple; there is no reference point with Andre the Giant to make you feel secure, other than the fact that for a while, he seemed a really nice guy. Now he’s not, now he’s taken away that one thing you thought you knew about him, the one thing that comforted you. Now he’s corrupted and evil and wants to be your WWF Champion. Eek.

So it’s Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant and it’s the culmination of all those most vital of late eighties wrestling themes, but also themes that connect with folklore and mythology, and by proxy the entirety of human history- the most heroic hero of them all trying to slay the tallest giant of them all. It’s David vs. Goliath, or Jack vs. Cormoran, and because of that it is a genuine continuation of a rich tradition in human history. It’s a match too important not to be taken deadly seriously, and so you’ve got 93,000 at the Silverdome absolutely enraptured by it, desperate for Hogan to win. It goes without saying that the atmosphere is pretty special. People are snobby and dismissive about wrestling, but that is an atmosphere that I’m almost certain cannot be answered to by any other form of entertainment that is even vaguely rehearsed, scripted or co-ordinated. When was the last time you went to see a film with 93,000 other people who were just so invested in what they were watching, as if it were a matter of life or death? Or a play, for that matter? Or a novel? Have you ever read a novel simultaneously with 93,000 other people and suspended your belief so completely? I’m going to assume that such a happening has never, um, happened. This is why Hogan vs. Andre is perhaps professional wrestling’s finest artistic contribution to the world. It’s not the most enjoyable match ever, not the sort of match you want to relive again and again and again, but if you want to make the case for pro wrestling being a genuine and somewhat respectable art form, this is surely the match you should turn to.

In fact, one of the reasons for that is that Hogan and Andre can achieve such a massive reaction while doing comparatively little. It’s not as bad a wrestling match as some would have you believe- they have enough ideas to sustain the runtime, the rest holds aren’t too egregiously long, there’s a little brawling section on the floor and a couple of conventional near falls. Taken as just one, random wrestling match, it’s passable. It’s not Savage-Steamboat, it’s probably not even Piper-Adonis. It doesn’t matter. The beauty of it can be summarised in two slams- one failed, one successful. In the opening moments of the match Hogan hoists Andre up and attempts to slam him (although ‘it’ is probably the more appropriate pronoun, since there’s something alarmingly inhuman about Andre as a heel) only to get squashed under the Giant’s weight. The resulting pinfall gets a very close two, and the moment the referee’s hand slaps the mat for the first time the atmosphere, already charged to the point of explosion, becomes the Wrestlemania ideal, an atmosphere that every match and storyline at future Wrestlemanias is striving desperately to achieve.

I don’t need to talk much about the second slam. Its power lies in the fact that everyone sees it, and can remember the roar, and the commentary, and the flashbulbs. Star ratings are probably irrelevant, but, for completeness sake, and bearing in mind much of the action is a bit cumbersome by modern standards, we’ll demonstrate why star ratings are so insufficient with a bout like this and call it ****.

10.0
The final score: review Virtually Perfect
The 411
I guess there have been better shows in terms of pure match quality, shows that don't feature bigoted King Kong Bundy matches and three tag team bouts that are more or less exactly the same and four minute matches with Butch Reed but not Ron Simmons. But, it's got arguably the best match in wrestling history on it, and arguably the most important match in wrestling on it, and it's brimming with fun, fun matches, fun moments, fun celebrities, fun times. It's also the absolute pinnacle of the most awe-inspiring juggernaut of a boom period the WWF has experienced to date, and is really just the ultimate triumph of sports entertainment, the show that confirmed, more or less, the sort of wrestling we'd be watching for decades to come. It's unmissable!
legend

article topics :

Wrestlemania III, Jack Stevenson