wrestling / Columns

Michael Cole: 17 Years of Consistent Awful

December 20, 2014 | Posted by Dino Zee

Michael Cole is not the most popular guy on the block. I don’t think this is much in the way of an edgy opinion at all, but rather, simply how it is. I don’t know that I’ve ever, in the 17 years that Cole has been a part of our wrestling family, ever met one person who considered himself a diehard Cole fan. You can usually count on anyone talking about him to run down the reasons that they hate him, as a matter of fact.

Some will still try, however, to say a kind word about Cole. Maybe they feel bad for him, maybe they think everyone is being entirely too harsh, or maybe they just don’t think Cole is really that bad. They may not actually be fans of Cole, but damn it, in their minds, he isn’t earning the hatred that comes his way from many of the fans.

For me, there are two Michael Coles, as there usually are two of anyone when it comes to wrestling. There’s Michael Cole: Real Life Person, and there’s Michael Cole: Wrestling Commentator. I don’t really have one bad thing to say about Michael Cole: Real Life Person. I know that he was a pretty decent journalist that covered Presidential elections, wars, and the Oklahoma City bombing. Clearly, he wasn’t some scrub doing special interest pieces on a lady who lost three of her cats during a storm. He earned his assignments, and he covered them well.

Michael Cole: Wrestling Commentator? I find him to be the most unbearable personality on wrestling TV. More than Mike Tenay and his Poo Face. More than Vampiro and his “damn, dog” commentary. More than Konnan, and even more than Jerry Lawler. From where I sit, Michael Cole has never made any part of wrestling better. After 17 years, you’d think he would have earned the chance.

Discussing this with friends recently, I asked anyone to name just one call from Cole that has stayed with them forever, fondly remembered. His “as God as my witness, he’s broken in half!” moment, if you will. One person managed to come up with Foley’s winning the WWF Title from The Rock on that January Raw in 1999. He may believe his answer, but I was a bit dubious.

Is it really the call that stands out, or is it the entire moment, which has basically been morphed into one big thing? Foley winning the belt is, if you were there, one of the all-time great moments in wrestling. From WWF spoiling it on their own webpage the week before, to many people looking forward to actually watching it, to “Yeah, that’ll put butts in the seats,” to Austin’s music hitting, to the victory lap around the ring… I remember so much of that whole moment so very clearly… but not Michael Cole’s call.

It’s actually pretty freaking hard to remember a call from Cole that provides nice memories. I can absolutely remember him whining all over a great match, or talking about a main event during a heated interview, or even straight up mocking what’s being put on TV, though. I can remember him stealing terms that he picks up from other commentators, and then using them six million times until you can’t take it anymore. “Not for nothing,” “shoots the half,” even calling every armlock a “keylock” for a while were nonstop Cole-isms that he stole from Tazz. Then everyone became his “partner” after he worked with JBL the first go around on Smackdown. I think the only “original” thing I can give credit to Cole would be naming the fans his “Cole-miners” during that so-atrocious-that-it’s-almost-funny-again period of Heel Cole.

This is probably the point where someone reminds me that not everything Michael Cole says is his own fault. He wears an earpiece, one that’s connected to Vince McMahon. McMahon is in his ear all show, yelling at him all sorts of instructions/directions/objectives to get across, all while still playfully bantering with his co-hosts. The same earpiece that drove Tazz and Mick Foley to eventually quit the position of commentator. Hey, it’s not an easy job, and no one’s saying it is. And, from a purely professional standpoint, Cole clearly does what WWE wants to their satisfaction. That doesn’t mean that he does a good job from the perspective of the fan that has to listen to him direct us down the WWE highway.

I mean, Cole was brought in to replace Todd Pettengill. How hard is it to adequately replace Todd Pettengill? Apparently, in Cole’s case, it’s very difficult. At first, they were basically dopplegangers, with one rocking some super late 90’s scruff so that we could tell them apart. When Pettengill left for good, Cole became the resident bitch, for lack of a better term. Every single wrestler, at one point or another, physically harassed Cole. DX screwed with him. The Rock screwed with him. Austin screwed with him. Years later, Heidenreich would get way too literal with the “screwed with him” line. We the fans were basically told from the start that Michael Cole is a whiny joke.

Then, a couple years after his debut, they forced him into the lead commentary spot after JR had a bout of Bell’s Palsy. And we did not like him at the booth. He was too whiny sounding, and damn it, we just preferred JR. When JR came back and forced Cole out with some help from Dr. Death, the fans went crazy. Just kicking Cole out of the booth got JR one of the bigger face pops he ever enjoyed, and he got it while portraying a bitter heel of a commentator! Ah, the power of Cole.

Cole would, from that point on, be held as a “JR in waiting” type for commentary, which only further fueled the anger from fans that didn’t like him in that role. Sure, his initial run with Tazz on Smackdown was easily the best he ever was to that point, and probably the best he’s ever been looking at it with hindsight. Still, I wouldn’t say that he was suddenly a “good” commentator; he was just better than that to which we were accustomed. He was still seen, by and large, as a huge joke.

And that’s really the biggest problem with Cole in today’s WWE: he has no authority (pardon the pun). The lead commentator- your “Voice” of the company- should have, at the very least, the respect of the fans. When they talk, you should listen. Solie had it. JR had it. Schiavone had it for quite a while. Tenay had it, and even Vince had it. Michael Cole has never had that. The fans have always actively hated him, always called him out for not having a clue about the product. Sure, sure, he might be great friends with everyone on the roster. He might be a super nice guy. That doesn’t make him a great commentator.

Cole’s lack of authority hurts him every time out. When he’s trying to portray that he’s disgusted with what he’s seen, most of the time I just give a “who cares?” reaction to it. For one, Cole is disgusted with nearly every single segment he sees on TV. Sure, he’s probably told to react that way, but does his reaction have to be exactly the same every single time? You can’t just say “damn” or “hell” or ask stupidly obvious questions, and make us think that you’re angry now. Adding some range, having different levels of anger/disgust, would go a long way. He just doesn’t have that. He’s either giggling to jokes with JBL and Lawler, or he’s as horrified as he’d be if he was watching his wife get kidnapped.

On top of his “emotions” feeling fake, is the fact that he shows us they’re fake. In the span of 10 minutes, Cole can go from screaming it out with JBL over the actions of a heel/face wrestler, and then go right back to yukking it up with him. Growing up when I did, I was privy to two of the better “super heel and super face” teams with Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon, along with Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura. Both teams had a stupid amount of chemistry, both teams clearly got along for the most part, and both teams would bicker at each other incessantly throughout their respective programs. At no point (that I can remember, at least) would we return from break and see Heenan and Monsoon sporting cheese eating grins alongside each other. Ditto McMahon and Ventura. There were no “we’re actually friends!” moments, no immediately ignoring the fight you just had because now a wrestler you both like is in the ring… none of that. Ventura pushed Vince’s buttons from start to finish. Monsoon and Heenan went at it from start to finish. There were tense exchanges, and there were more light-hearted exchanges, but there was never a time where they said to the viewer “oh don’t worry, we don’t really mean what we’re saying.” That’s how it comes off with Cole- fraudulent.

And to reinforce the point again, I’m not saying that he is a horrible WWE Employee. He obviously has that look that Kevin Dunn loves, and he is the guy that they trust to get across each and every point that they want explained to the viewer. And, to that end, he does that job in a way that keeps them pleased with his performance.

But for us? The fans? The ones that pay money to this business that likes to make money? The ones that have to sit and listen each and every week to hours upon hours of this man’s commentary? Commentary that, for 17 years, has not changed at all? He’s a joke. He’s been the victim of constant on-screen bullying throughout his tenure. He’s been bullied by Jim Ross. He’s just a whiny guy that seems to have this air of thinking that he’s way better than us silly rasslin’ fans. He’s never consistent.

I would take Tony Schiavone on his worst day over Cole on his best. That’s not something I’d want to ever hear someone else say about me if I was a wrestling commentator. Honestly though, Cole don’t care. And he don’t care because WWE don’t care. He’s their guy. Us marks who want commentators that can make the show fun to watch? That are invested in the product? That can keep track of who they were supporting 6 weeks earlier? That’s for wresting. This is entertainment. Cole’s just a mediator; not a commentator.

And so, we lose. Three hours on Mondays. Two hours on Fridays. Three hours on Pay Per Views. All with a guy who only worries about doing his job as described in the solicitation, and not at all with how he entertains us-the fans- while doing his job.


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article topics :

Michael Cole, Dino Zee