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Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Tables, Ladder, Chairs, and Stairs 2014

July 1, 2015 | Posted by Jack Bramma
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Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Tables, Ladder, Chairs, and Stairs 2014  

• Scheduled Card:
1. Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler (c).
2. WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. The Miz and Mizdow (c).
3. Stairs Match: Big Show vs. Erick Rowan.
4. Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins.
5. WWE Divas Championship: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella (c).
6. Chairs Match: Kane vs. Ryback.
7. WWE United States Championship: Jack Swagger vs. Rusev (c).
8. Tables, Ladder, & Chairs Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt.

• Opening package lets us know that this is the WWE’s version of a demolition derby. We get lots of car crash and monster truck footage that hypes up the Cena/Rollins tables match for Cena’s title shot at the RR, the Wyatt/Ambrose TLC match, and the general theme with the inclusion of the infamous stairs match. Like the Summerslam vignettes, this is like edited very much like a movie trailer and a grindhouse one at that. They even have the same faux wear and tear on the frame and possibly the same VO guy from El Rey’s previews.

• Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler (c). After BNB went down with a shoulder injury, Dolph seemed poised for the big time. He was the sole survivor at Battleground in the battle royal for the vacant belt, except for Miz who hid on the floor for most of the match and dumped him out at the last second. Dolph and Miz would trade the IC belt back and forth over the summer before Dolph moved on to being Cena’s right hand man in the feud with the authority leading into SS. On the go-home RAW before SS, Luke Harper would return to join Team Authority and be gift wrapped the IC belt after a pre-match beatdown on Dolph. At SS, Dolph would be the sole survivor with Sting’s help. He would use that momentum to try and regain his belt in a ladder match at TLC(S).

• Big hometown reception for Dolph tonight in Cleveland. Harper tries a powerbomb, but Dolph slides out and Harper avoids a superkick. ECW STANDOFF! They both retreat to get ladders and bring in a couple each. Harper gets Dolph from behind and tosses him into a ladder on the floor. Harper shitcans Dolph into the timekeeper. Back in, Harper sets up and starts to climb, but Dolph shoves the ladder over only to eat the BOOT OF FEAR! Harper wants a powerbomb on a ladder but Dolph slides out again. Harper catches him though in a Black Hole Slam on the floor. Harper then casually shoves a ladder over on top of Dolph. Harper rearranges the furniture and climbs up again but no dice. Harper manhandles Dolph and throws him into the ladder and then drops it on him AGAIN. Dolph’s already got a few welts going at less than 4 minutes in. Harper picks him up and tells him to take it like a man, not a bitch. Harper then throws a ladder on top of him a few times. Dolph throws it back on him to come back a bit. Dolph tries the ladder ride but Harper DROPKICKS THE LADDER INTO DOLPH KNOCKING HIM OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! Harper then press slams the ladder down onto Dolph on the floor. Man, this is practically murder and Dolph has barely even hit a move. I love it. Dolph stands up a ladder and Harper stupidly suicide dives right into the ladder. That probably sounded good on paper, but looked idiotic on Harper’s part.

• Dolph piggy backs him and quickly runs up a ladder. Harper pulls him down from behind and then shoves over the ladder as Dolph eats it to the ropes and down to the mat. Harper shoves another ladder into Dolph and talk about beating a dead ladder into a DOA Dolph. This is getting ridiculous with the amount of ladder violence (in a good way). Harper calls for the powerbomb but AGAIN Dolph slides out for the Bluechipper dropkick. Dolph tries the Fame-asser, but Harper counters and finally gathers him up for the POWERBOMB ON A LADDER! YEAHHHHHHH! Harper puts the ladder on Dolph’s face and then slingshots him into the ladder into the ropes. Dolph is DONE and busted open hardway. Harper slowly climbs to cover, while the doctor tends to Dolph. Dolph gets the cut treated and races up to stop Dolph. BOOYEABOOYEABOOYEA slug it out and both tip over and fall to the mat. Harper tries to bring in another ladder and shoves it back into Dolph. Harper tries another powerbomb but Ziggler counters to the facebuster on the ladder.

• LET’SGOZIGGLERLET’SGOZIGGLER! Crowd is fired up. Dolph sets up the ladder and climbs, but Harper has him again. Dolph counters into a FALLING DDT! Dolph heads up top, but Harper gets the ladder around his neck for some Terry Funk Carouseling. He waffles Dolph a few times before succuming to a superkick. Dolph smacks him down with another ladder and Harper falls off the apron onto ANOTHER ladder. Dolph is up. CLIMBING! GET IT, DOLPH! HARPER SHOVES IT OVER AND DOLPH WIPES OUT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ziggler back up and he gets a ladder in the corner. Harper meets him but Dolph rides the ladder into Harper taking him out on the way down. Dolph climbs slowly but Harper waffles him from behind. That’s at least the second time they’ve got me with a nearfall. Harper sets up another ladder but Dolph SUPERKICKS HIM OFF THE LADDER! DOLPHDOLPHDOLPHDOLPH! Dolph pulls down the belt at 16:43.

• Another star-making performance for Dolph in 2014 and really for Harper as well. This match was easily the highlight of TLCS and possibly the best WWE match since Summerslam (up there with the Survivor Series main event). I’m hoping that Dolph doesn’t get forgotten like perennial winter heroes when the heavyweights and main eventers return for Mania in a few months, because he’s just been so good. He took the concussion demotion in stride and he’s finally back to near-2011/2012 levels and it’s been amazing to watch.

• Harper is making the most of his exposure post-Wyatts as well, even if he can’t buy a clean victory. He dominated the match and focused on ladder brutality more than spots in a way that I really appreciated. I loved the way he had to fight for the powerbomb and he just kept coming at Dolph and didn’t stay down for long, no matter what move he hit. I’ve read in a few places that this was all over the place and spot-heavy and didn’t focus much on the climb and I didn’t get that vibe at all. Stellar match to end the year on. ****1/4

• Post-match, Cole reminds us that Ziggler said on the pre-show he’d have his “best damn match ever” and how this was probably it for Dolph. King, JBL, and Cole all put over the match, the IC title, and Dolph huge and how it could be the springboard for him to get into the upper echelon. So much for that.

• WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. The Miz and Mizdow (c). As seems to be the case lately, the build to this was booked on a paper towel the night before a big show. Stardust and Goldust jobbed a whole lot and then went over The Usos at NOC in Sept. They had an uneventful reign though they did retain over the Usos again at HITC. Finally, the number was up for the Dust Brothers at SS when Miz and Mizdow went over in a curtain-jerking fatal four way with the Usos and Los Matadores guest-starring. They defeated Stardust and Goldust in a return match the next night, so the Usos slide into a title shot after winning tag team of the year at the Slammys and defeating Kane, Miz, and Mizdow with Ryback’s help on the same show. Of course, Mizdow also won a Slammy for funniest moment of the year which Miz accepted on his behalf. Miz has also been spending his downtime trying to get Naomi to embrace the Dark Side of D-list celebrity.

• Jey starts off with Miz and they go through some roll ups so Mizdow can copy from the apron. Jey with an armdrag while Mizdow greets his fans and then gets back on the job falling into an armdrag on the apron. Tag to Jimmy and Miz escapes to the floor. WEWANTMIZDOW as Miz wrestles a handicap match and cuts off Jimmy at the pass to take over. Jimmy, like Mongo, is a true man and doesn’t want Miz to stand there and drink coffee while another man is talking to him and stealing his not stolen woman… or something, so Jimmy goes to the weak GnP. The Usos set up a delayed double suplex so Mizdow can do a handstand in the corner and outpop half the roster. Miz gets clotheslined to the floor and Mizdow shitcans himself while JBL compares him to Pacino. Jey with a plancha but no one much cares. Miz takes over with a whiplash DDT for 1, 2, no. Miz and Mizdow play to the crowd and tease a tag. Miz no sells and goes to the CHINLOCK! C’MONBABY! JBL continues trying to trace a narrative around the suspect links between thespians and carnies and Jey escapes with an enzuigiri. Tag to Jimmy and he goes to town on Miz with a Samoan drop. He plants Miz in the corner and Mizdow dives into the opposite neutral corner and the crowd doesn’t know what to make of it.

• Jimmy helps them along with some BOO/YAY traffic copping. He lands the Runaway Samoan Semi on Miz that Miz completely no sells to blindside him with a LARIATO. 1, 2, no. Jimmy avoids the recliner corner clothesline with a back slide but Miz kicks out. Whisper in the Wind gets 1, 2, Mizdow breaks it up. Jey shitcans him out for the biggest heat of the match. SCF to Jey and Miz wants the F4. Jimmy counters into the Tequila Sunrise but Miz gets the ropes. Jimmy avoids the SCF and wants the Superfly Splash but Miz rolls to the floor. Miz takes a breather and says he’s taking a walk. He gets the Slammies and the belts. Jey tries to stop him with a plancha but Mizdow takes the brunt. Miz waffles Jey with the Slammy for the DQ at 7:18. Purely a platform for Mizdow’s insanity. Decent enough as a pseudo-handicap match, though Miz should be getting over more as a face considering he’s basically beating 2 guys by himself, but I digress. **

• Post-match,. Miz poses with the real belts and Mizdow poses with the subtitles (TM JBL).

• Meanwhile, Saxton wants a word with Seth Rollins and J&J. Seth wants to take a moment to pre-emptively dedicate and thank the Authority for his victory tonight. But, they can’t be here and it’s all because of STING! THAT VIGILANTE! ENOUGH ABOUT HIM! Rollins doesn’t have to pin Cena or make him tap out; he just has to put him through a table like he has the past 2 weeks. If Seth can come through tonight, not only will Cena lose his title shot, but Seth won’t stop until he brings the Authority back. Good promo.

• Stairs Match: Big Show vs. Erick Rowan. After coming up short against Rusev and having a feud with no blowoff over turning on his tag partner Mizark, Showster took the payoff and turned on Team Cena at Survivor Series. His team won but he still came out heel. The night after SS, Show tried explaining himself about how his once Iron-Clad contract had rusted and degraded but now was back to Iron-Clad, but his open challenge was answered by noted rubik’s cube solver and sheep mask wearer Erick Rowan who proclaimed that he hated bullies. The following week, they tussled and Show used his frying pan hands to wallop Rowan with the steel steps and here we are.

• Time for the tale of the tape for the stairs.

 photo stairs_zpsb35rkhdz.png

• These aren’t quite the insane numbers Cole used to throw around but the idea that the steel stairs weigh 275 lbs stretches credibility. Also, in case you didn’t know, they are made of steel.

• During Show’s entrance, we see that the stairs are arranged in mouse trap formations because even the gaffes, grips, and PA’s get bored. The crew all throw down the gauntlet as to what should Show’s new nickname be: 1. The Big Traitor. 2. The Big Family and Role Model. 3. The Big Benedict Arnold. JBL then interrupts Cole to put over “the shape (shave?) of Big Show’s head.” 30 seconds in and the show has gone completely off the rails. Of note, the Rowan pop might have to succeed Charlie Haas pop and Bryan Christopher pop as the go-to label for deafening silence. TO THE MATCH!

• Rowan is a house of fists to start and hits a Ho Train and a spinkick. Show bails out but takes over and slams Rowan on the floor. We get a replay of said slam as Rowan oversells a kick to the ribs from Show. Rowan gets sent into the stairs to begin the plunder work. Show picks up the top half of the stairs just so Rowan can kick them back into him and waffle him down. Rowan never got to play with erector sets as a kid, so he trashes the stair setup. He sets up a mini-wall of three stair bottom halves, but Show cuts him off and posts him. Cole: “FIRST TIME EVER… STAIRS MATCH!” Show unzips Rowan’s coveralls to give him a few chest chops and shitcans him into the crowd. As soon as he’s over the bend, Rowan quietly but on camera zips his attire back up.

• Rowan tries a comeback but Show treats him like a jobber and throws him back into the stairs. Show SLOWLY shakes off Rowan’s stuff to get him back in the ring and drop some stairs on his back in a BRUTAL spot. Rowan tries to shake it off and again Show ignores to whip him into the stairs. Show-line, but Rowan gathers him up for a slam ON THE STAIRS. Nice. Rowan gets the top half stairs and heads up top to splash Show with the stairs. Show’s a little too show in moving and gets clipped in the ribs anyway. Rowan sells out to the floor, so Show can steamroll him with a GOREGOREGORE through the stair industrial art. That looked sloppy but probably hurt like hell. Rowan tries to come back by booting the stairs into Show. Show no sells to ChokeSlam him back to jobber hell on the stairs. Show then KO punches the fuck outta him for 1, 2, 3 at 11:14.

• Another slow affair. They were working had but neither guy has enough steam to swiftly walk much less jog faster than Ronnie Coleman. Also, Show appeared legit pissed at Rowan for catching him in the ribs and gave him a few receipts on the way home. $2 steak-riffic. *1/2

• Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins. If Cena loses, he’s no longer #1 contender to Brock. These two have a little bit of history, so let’s cover it. After Brock squashed Cena at SS, Cena got his rematch at NOC in September. Cena had the prize in his sights until Rollins interfered trying to cash in his MITB briefcase but failing. Rollins had the night off at NOC after Reigns went down with a hernia injury and after security had Ambrose thrown out of the building. The next night, Cena tried shoe-horning himself into the hottest feud in the company by claiming that he deserved to get his hands on Rollins before Ambrose. Instead, Ambrose and Cena tussled in a contact on a pole match for the right to face Rollins at HITC. Ambrose won, and Cena was left with the consolation prize (not mentioned until after the fact) a HITC match with Orton for the right to be number 1 contender. Rollins went on to defeat Ambrose at HITC with the Bray Wyatt’s help and a hologram, while Cena overcome Orton to become number 1 contender. Both guys captained teams at SS and Team Cena came out victorious and the Authority was gone. With the Authority gone in December, it was left to the Anonymous GM to book this match and the stipulation.

• BUT WAIT! PAUL HEYMAN HAS COME OUT…. to watch the match from ringside.

• Cena pantomimes and points a bunch and Rollins is no fan of mimes, so they slug it out. Cena takes over with the early bulldog and at 30 seconds in, J&J go for the early distraction to allow Rollins a Sling Blade. Oh boy, this is going to be a long match. Is it lost on everyone in the WWE hierarchy that the Stooges were Vince’s (a non-wrestler) and Dude Love’s (comedy act) backup against, as Rick Rude would say, STONE COLD GOSH DARN STEVE AUSTIN?! Every corporate champ on the books had some backup and secondary protocols in store for Austin, but not the fucking Stooges. They were a joke because we knew how ineffective they were, but WWE has forgotten that part and given them to their top heel and actually expected us to feel like they are a force to be reckoned with. And Kane. I get that Trips is way too self-aware to ever make himself look that vulnerable as an authority figure, but does the top heel in the company really have to have jobber security to make him look completely worthless?

• ANYWAY, Rollins chokes away in the corner and rants and raves about how it’s HIS time now. Cena doesn’t take kindly to lyrical puns and swats him down with a LARIATO. Cena tries his hands at a table, but J&J cut him off. Oy vey. Cole: “This is going to be ridiculous if this keeps on all night.” King: “This is in essence a 3-on-1 battle.” This is seriously only 2 minutes into the match. Rollins wants a table but doesn’t get far before Cena takes over. J&J try some tug of war which they promptly lose. Rollins waffles Cena from behind and sets up the table on the top rope. The crowd fires up the Cena chants, while J&J rush in to interrupt Cena’s powerbomb attempt. For those keeping count, that’s FOUR run-ins each by two different guys in less than 4 minutes. Rollins hits a DDT, while JBL tries to justify all the interference as brains over brawn. Rollins stalls and sets up another table. He slowly works over Cena with some weak sauce in the corner as the show grinds to a halt. Cena takes over with the usual and hits the 5KS. He wants the FU to treat Rollins like a total jobber but J&J save him which ironically makes him an even bigger jobber.

• They put the boots to him and prep a Shield-style triple powerbomb. Cena of course no sells their attack to simultaneously beat them up and chase them off at the same time. Cena gets an old-fashioned guard rail and waffles all 3. This match can eat a bag of dicks. Cena with a suplay on Noble on the rail and hurts himself worse than 3 guys can in 10 minutes. J&J post Cena and help Rollins with a table. Cena no sells the beatdown again to FU Mercury into the crowd. Rollins cuts him off to throw him into the barricade and set up a few more tables. MOARSTALLING! The crowd entertains themselves with more chants. Rollins preps a suplex off the apron, but because he isn’t Dynamite Kid fails and Cena drops him back in the ring.

• They slug it out, so Cena can flip Rollins into hitting a standing Shiranui on himself. This sucks. For the second time in the match, Cena hurts himself worse than his opponent’s cumulative total can manage. Cena no sells again to shitcan Rollins out. Rollins tries to even the score and waffles Cena with the MITB briefcase half a dozen times. Cena won’t stay down long enough for Rollins to shit on the 5KS, but they bump the ref in the scuffle fighting over an FU. High times. Cena tries an FU anyway but Rollins lands on his feet, avoids the table, leap frogs Cena and the table, and gives him a SWEET enzuigiri. Nice sequence.

• Rollins preps a Curb Stomp off the top through the table. JBL: “GET YA DVR’S OUT!” Thanks for that. Instead, Cena fights him off and FUs him through the table. No ref and all, so J&J swarm Cena and dispose of the evidence. However, even with no ref and 3 fuckers pounding him down, Cena still has to be protected and won’t sell ANY of it. He avoids the Shield powerbomb again and hits a double FU on the Stooges through another table. Miraculously, Rollins overcomes the odds to not get FU’ed and instead manages a photo finish tie as he and Cena fall through a table at the same time at 18:12. The entire building groans at the prospect of a Dusty finish to this monstrosity. Chioda takes it over with his esteemed colleagues before ignoring their judgment and restarting the match anyway.

• Rollins shitcans Cena out and suicide dives on him as well. Cena no sells again to FU Rollins into the EAT, but it won’t budge. Another cool sequence lost in the completely shit overbooking. BUT WAIT! SHOWSTER HAS COME OUT! He preps a ChokeSlam on Cena. BUT WAIT! MY GOODNESS, ROMAN REIGNS! THE POWERHOUSE! THE SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR SLAMMY AWARD WINNER! He gives Show a Superman Punch and Spears him. Cena resurrects to FU Rollins through a table to take it at 3:15 or 21:27 total.

• What a completely absurd shitfest. Rollins looks like a complete and total joke and J&J are even bigger jokes than they were going in. The only heel that gets to look worth a damn in the whole match is Show because Cena actually needed backup to take him out. Cena sold roughly three moves the entire match and all were either self-inflicted and assisted (the suplex on the fail, the Shiranui) or Acts of God (falling off the apron through a table). The run-ins go from being a running joke to an affront to good taste and bad within the match’s first 5 minutes, and it doesn’t help anything that it takes them another fifteen minutes to finish the equestrian slaughter. Just a completely, counterproductive pile of shit. Possibly the worst match of Rollins’ career, though Cena has had his share of dogs before. DUD

• Meanwhile, on the pre-show, the still-face New Day disposed of Goldust and Stardust.

• We kick it up to the All Star and Alex Riley panel. A-Ry uses his analyst skills to put over Erick Rowan. Book puts over Dolph. A-Ry tries to get in the final word on Brock/Cena but Renee Young interrupts him to move us along.

• The Bellas are in the back for a promo. Nikki is tired of talking about AJ Lee, and Brie is tried of talking about her heel turn. So… yeah.

• WWE Divas Championship: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella (c ). AJ skips out accompanied by her Diva of the Year Slammy. Last month at SS, Nikki won the strap after Brie blindsided AJ with bi-curiosity. Nikki with a go-behind and ducks out to the floor for some push-ups. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! SHE’S NOT EVEN USING HER KNEES, MAGGLE! ANYWAY, back in AJ with a softest run off the ropes and headscissors this decade and Nikki is back on the floor. Back in, they both try to wrestle without exerting much force or gripping the others hair too hard, but no dice. AJ oversells a whip but gets the Chuck Taylor up in the corner. Spine on the Pine gets 1, 2, no. Shitty backbreaker and the crowd is already turning on them. Snap suplex and Nikki is out of answers, so she stomps a mudhole. They pick things up with a SWEET Bow and Arrow around the post. Cover gets 1, 2, nearfall. Nikki goes to the anchor hold. Nikki releases to taunt and hit a hammerlock-assisted bodyslam.

• Nikki goes back to the chinlock as Brie continues the unironic homage to Jericho’s ASK ‘IM, REF! CHECK ‘IM! on the floor. AJ catches her in a guillotine but Nikki uses the old noodle and shoves her into the turnbuckle. Nikki pulls a Gus Frerrote and rams her herself into the turnbuckle. AJ with a roll up for 1, 2, no. Double clothesline for a double down at 5 minutes in. AJ fires up for a Thesz press, Stinger Splash, and a neckbreaker for another nearfall. AJ oversells yet another whip for a Tornado DDT. 1, 22222222222222222 as the crowd says. Springboard enzuigiri gets 1, 2, 2 1/2. from Nikki. They try the wheelbarrow bulldog spot and it’s sloppy but who cares. They’ve got a decent series of nearfalls going. Shining Wizard gets 1, 2, Brie puts the foot on the ropes. The ref has had enough and ejects Brie. Nikki hits AJ with the Power of Vidal Sassoon. Rack Attack finishes AJ at 7:38. Sloppy and soft, but not as catastrophically insulting and counterproductive as Cena/Rollins. 3/4*

• Meanwhile, Tom Phillips is in the back with WWE Slammy Award Winner for Superstar of the Year after tallying the votes for two wrestlers, Roman Reigns. He told everyone via numerous satellite interviews that he’d be back to make an impact. Taking out Show and Rollins is making a BIG impact. He is here to dit-clear–DECLARE… AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH…. Shatner pause…. He’s here to make an impact.

• Chairs Match: Kane vs. Ryback. Ryback returned to fanfare on the lead-in to SS, but quietly jobbed out first on the face team. After the Authority was ousted, Kane was back to inconsequentialness managing a hot dog stand the night after SS. No, really. That, however, proved too much for Da Big Red Guy and he threw a hot dog in Ryback’s face, successfully inciting a Tupelo-inspired food fight.

• Da Big Guy is sporting a slick new singlet tonight. They both roll to the floor to get chairs before they get starts, but not before Ryback takes off his weight belt. Remember kids, safety first before you hit your co-workers with chairs. Don’t wanna pull a muscle. They both do a token swat and then drop the chairs stupidly. You can tell the idea in the match layout was sound. “We wind up and really smash the chairs, brother. But our hands will hurt so much that we won’t be able hold them anymore.” Unfortunately, though, someone forgot that Kane hasn’t done anything full speed in 15 years, short of throw a chair at Ryback’s face, but more on that later.

• ANYWAY, Ryback bowls over Kane with a shoulderblock, but Kane gets the chair and hits him across the back and sets it up in the corner. Cole: “Let’s not forget about what Kane has done in his career.” No specifics to follow up. Thanks for that.Ryback counters and sends Kane into the chair. Thesz press into the choke tosses into the mat for DBG. Splash and a Bulldog powerslam and Ryback is fired up. He lands a few falling splashes off the second rope. Ryback gets the chair and lays into chair a few times. Ryback puts the chair on Kane and tries a splash, but Kane gets the knees up and Ryback eats chair in a brutal spot. Kane gets another chair and uses some of that upper management-level acumen that served him well for months in his losing streak by setting the chair back up in the same corner as before. Kane gives Ryback Snake Eyes into the chair for 1, 2, 2 1/2 as the crowd is slowly getting quieter and quieter. Kane no sells to give Ryback a few shots to the breadbasket. These two are blown the fuck up.

• They botch getting the chair in place as Kane DDTs Ryback on the chair and because they are so gassed, it’s harder to protect and it comes off that much more solid and dangerous. Cover gets 1, 2, no. Ryback tries to kick him off and again Kane no sells. Ryback boots the chair back into his face, but Kane cuts him off with the throat thrust that catches Ryback off the top. The crowd is lackadaiscally muttering either GOLDBERG or BORING, but even they can’t be bothered to say it loud and proud. Kane wants a ChokeSlam off the top. Ryback fights him off but gets put into the chair anyway for a BOOT OF FEAR for 1, 2, 2.99. Ho Train, but Ryback cuts off Kane with a belly to belly suplex. Kane must have been eating his Wheaties since the Authority was ousted in November because he’s shaking off all of Ryback’s shit and it’s almost making him seem competent and relevant again. Almost.

• Kane just starts pelting Ryback with the chair and then brings in a half dozen or so more chairs. Kane sets up two chairs in the middle of the ring but Ryback takes over with a Spinebuster through the chairs. He fires up and waffles Kane a dozen times. IT’S FEEDING TIME! NO! SABU CHAIR FROM KANE! WHATAMANEUVER! CHOKESLAM! 1, 2, 2.99999999. This is a perfectly adequate hossfest going on. Kane goes a little old school and hits the throat slash and wants the Tombstone. Instead, Ryback drops him with a Meathook and Shell Shock for 1, 2, 3 at 9:51. These two beat the shit out of each other, even if no one cared. They told a decent story with Kane recently motivated to overcome months of losing and trying to break out on his own after the demise of the Authority. He was countering and no selling Ryback’s comebacks and it was working for me. The signatures and counter signature moves and the chair violence was all solid as well. I’m a fan. **3/4

• WWE United States Championship: Jack Swagger vs. Rusev (c). After the biggest push and most overness of his entire career, Big Jack did the honors for Rusev at SS and dropped off the face of the Earth. He had some TV matches and traded wins with Bo Dallas and Tyson Kidd for a while. He resurfaced to defeat his old tag partner, Cesaro, on the Survivor Series pre-show. Rusev on the other hand went on a decent winning streak taking out Show and Mizark in succession before they turned on each other. Rusev was the big pull for the Authority Team at Survivor Series but was eliminated for beating up Dolph Ziggler too long. After the Authority was ousted, Rusev had to defend his US strap in a battle royal on Smackdown and last eliminated Swagger to retain. Then, Zeb Colter was left lying backstage on RAW and Swagger pointed the finger at Rusev, so it’s party time.

• Pre-match, Lana gets the stick and wants to talk oil prices and the looming aperture of the Hubbard Peak and how it will affect indigenous populations in third world countries and whether or not it will prove true the infamous prognostication of Boutros Ghali that the next world war will be fought over water instead of oil futures. Alas, Big Jack has had enough of diplomacy and wants him some Reagan-nomics. JBL: “ATTABOYJACKSWAGGER!”

• Jack comes out storming and goes right after Rusev’s bad ankle that Swagger injured on RAW. Swagger scoops slam Rusev INTO the ropes, bad-ankle first, in an odd spot. Jack, on the other hand, can’t muster enough Manifest Destiny to even post Rusev’s bad wheel. Fortunately, Swagger wraps it around the ropes instead and takes him down with a clothesline. Rusev’s selling is awesome as always as he can’t even stand up for a cross-corner whip. Jack tries firing up but gets no love until he hits WETHEPEOPLE. SwaggerBomb whiffs but he blocks the superkick with THE ANKLELOCK! Rusev rolls through and crossfaces the shit outta Swagger and locks in the Accolade. Swagger actually mounts a comeback and, like Lex Luger, will not be denied. He hooks Rusev in the Patriot Lock but Rusev kicks his way free and drops Jack with a superkick. Swagger beats the count back in only to eat another brain scrambler. Accolade until Swagger literally loses to a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest at 4:50. Hella entertaining for the time though it has nothing on their mild masterpiece from SS. **3/4

• Tables, Ladder, & Chairs Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt. After the Shield was jettisoned, Ambrose emerged as arguably the hottest face on the roster for the rest of 2014. He and Rollins parleyed that run into some very solid screwjobs that culminated in a war to not settle the score at HITC. Ambrose had victory in his sights, but Bray Wyatt returned to knock him back down a few pegs with a hologram. Bray had been AWOL since Cena single-handedly went through the entire Family to get his heat back after Brock squashed him, though Bray did make an appearance to send Jericho packing in a cage match. Over the next few weeks, Wyatt would reveal that he sought out Dean because his father abandoned him when he got sent away to the hoosegow or some shit – Abyss’s same backstory from TNA. Nevertheless, Dean went apeshit with chairs and tables at Survivor Series and thus we get a TLC match. Somewhere in here, Ambrose destroyed Wyatt’s rocking chair which should/could have been a really cool, mystical, early 90s Undertaker touch to the feud, but not so much. Oh yeah, and because these guys aren’t the briefcase or belt type lately, the only way to win is by pinfall or submission.

• Before Bray can get off the TCM butcher attire, Dean drops a ladder on him from inside the ring. Bray comes right back and they start brawling up the aisle. Dean brings things back to the ring and Bray tries to bail out only to eat a suicide dive. Dean sends him into the barricade and lands a burrito off the announce table and the crowd loves it. Time for the scenic route as they make their way over to the pre-show panel set. Dean no sells a whip into the wall to dive off the pre-show set in a cool spot. Dean breaks out the chairs, and Bray still can’t get anything going. Bray sells, so Dean can play interior decorator with a table and some Kendo sticks. They have a Mexican standoff but Dean waffles him down before Bray can make it to a chair. Dean with a cane-assisted Russian leg sweep and Bray comically groans overselling it. Ambrose heads up top and uses the chair for an elbow drop. Bray has HAD IT WITH THE SHENANIGANS and lands a haymaker to sends Dean reeling to the floor and through the table. Good misdirection spot for the table. Back in, Bray covers for 2 and goes to work with the Kendo stick. He wedges it in the turnbuckle and the crew can’t believe it.

• JBL’s all IT’S INNOVATIVE FUN, MAGGLE as they completely undersell anything happening in the match. Bray whips him into the stick, eyes-first in a neat spot. Bray: “CRY FOR ME, AMBROSE!” Bray puts him on a ladder and the crowd takes a powder as they seem to be in danger of losing them. Bray gets them back with a senton on the ladder. 1, 2, no. Bray with a whip into a ladder in the corner but misses a Ho Train. Dean fires up by sending Bray into the ladder and hits a bulldog. Ambrose heads up and jumps off the ladder bridge with his fifth or so burrito of the match. 1, 2, kickout. Bray gets tied up in the ropes and Ambrose works him over with a guillotine leg drop back in on the chair. Another decent spot but it still feels like the match doesn’t have any momentum. Ambrose wants Dirty Deeds but runs into a SOUTHERN COMFORT LARIATO! MY MAN! 1, 2, 2 1/2.

• Dean sells out to the floor and Bray tries to bring him in only for Dean to no sell and spin around for the rebound clothesline on the floor. Total nonsense. They both recover for MOARBRAWLING up the aisle even though it isn’t falls count anywhere. Dean puts him on a table and lands an elbow drop off a ladder. Tepid Holy Shit chant follows. Dean has flashbacks to the hologram treatment and decides Bray needs ONEMORETIME and drops another elbow off another ladder. Back in, Dean suddenly starts selling both falls and that allows Bray to cut him off with Sister Abigail. 1, 2, 2.99. Just odd sequencing and pacing. Ambrose shakes off another with a roll up for 1, 2, no. After that 10 minute detour up the aisle, the pace is now rapid fire. Bray eats ladder and then DIRTY DEEDS! Delayed cover gets 1, 2, shoulder up. Dean is out of answers and goes spelunking. He comes up with a TV monitor and Kevin Dunn’s mise en scene inspires him to go for a big ladder again. Bray back up and waffles Dean with a chair several times. Dean cuts him off and sends him into the stairs, throat-first on the chair. Nice. Dean with his third elbow off a ladder through a table, this time the SAT. Crowd thinks the match is awesome, but I’m not sold. Back in, Dean goes for the Kiss of Death with the Vizio but gets short circuited by the drop cord and his push goes up in smoke. Sister Abigail ends the match at 27:04.

• I love both buys, but this was a big disappointment. Bray hasn’t had a great garbage match since his Last Man Standing match with Cena and a great regular match since RR14 with Dragon and needs to string together some consistent performances. Dean is more than capable but his big spots were the same elbow off a ladder three different times including two-in-a-row. The rules were partially a hindrance as fans have been conditioned to expect climbing in ladder matches and this had nothing to climb for making the whole process feel moot at times. The wandering brawls were also tedious given that pinfalls weren’t counted anywhere. Given that (I think) this was the first ever TLC match where climbing and grabbing something wasn’t the way to win, you kind of have to give them a mulligan. Still with Cena laying an egg and Orton, Brock, Dragon, and Reigns not even on the card, it’s just hard to feel this wasn’t a massive wasted opportunity for both guys to shine. **1/2

4.5
The final score: review Poor
The 411
Some watchable hoss fests in Ryback/Kane and Rusev/Swagger don't make up for the disappointing Ambrose/Wyatt match and the nightmarish booking hellscape of Cena/Rollins. Check in only for Dolph and Harper tearing it up with a ladder match.
legend