wrestling / Columns

The 8-Ball: Top 8 Wrestlers Who Should Have Their Own Comic Book

October 23, 2014 | Posted by Mike Hammerlock

Top 8 Wrestlers Who Should Have Their Own Comic Book

Pro wrestling and comics should be a hand-in-glove fit. The business embraces cartoonish elements and tries to convince us that the performers are capable of superhuman feats. It has the same target audience (young males) as the comics industry. Yet where are the great wrestling comics that come out of this obvious synergy? The WWE has tried its hand at comics, poorly. It’s even had Mick Foley come on as the nominal author for the WWE comic, but it reads like marketing material. Got a feeling Foley came up with a plot and then corporate stooges ruined it. The WCW-Marvel comic from the early 90s was howlingly bad. The late ‘90s WWF-Chaos Comics books with Steve Austin and the Undertaker were clunky. They looked good, but the stories were plodding.

The Ultimate Warrior had a trippy sci-fi comic in the ‘90s and Kevin Nash had an edgy near-future dystopia series back when WCW was in its death throes. Those books worked largely because they chucked the wrestling and tried to build around a character. Obviously they never became more than historical footnotes, but at least they provide a bit of a blueprint for how a wrestling comic might work.

With that in mind, the Magic 8-Ball this week will attempt to figure out which wrestlers would do best in the world of comic books. They don’t have to be costumed super heroes. In fact, it would be better if they’re not. Not everyone has to be exposed to radiation. The best wrestler-based comics probably would be indie books that don’t have to fit inside a Marvel or DC pantheon. We’re looking for protagonists who can occupy their own world. As for who’s up for consideration, I’m sticking U.S.-based. Mexican and Japanese wrestlers tend to have a walking comic book feel to them, but that’s way too many worms once you open those cans. I will say that Bullet Club would make fine comic villains.

8. Speed Force

 photo 8ball10228_zps0af3b4e7.jpg

All right, here’s the premise: Speed Force exists in the jobbers-to-the-stars portion of the WWE roster because they’re actual super heroes. Kofi has super speed and outrageous leaping ability. Big E can lift a bulldozer. Xavier Woods gets called Dr. X and he’s got unique mental abilities. If he thinks of an object he can pull it out of his hair. Basically he’s a human 3-D printer (the heli-fro has to happen). Travelling with the WWE allows them to thwart villainy on a global basis. Working as buried-in-the-mid-card talents also provides them with a perfect cover. They’re incognito in plain sight. No one believes these guys are the real deal, but they’re fighting off major league evil in every installment.

7. The Bunny

 photo 8ball10227_zps38a8541e.jpg

You’d have to go full Harvey Pekar with the Bunny. Have him be a guy in a bunny costume who never takes it off and never speaks. He leads a drab existence punctuated by episodes of surreality. He’s got a sex maniac girlfriend. They bonk constantly. The Bunny remains fully dressed. She loves it. He doesn’t get the point. He goes to the store to buy carrots and Lucky Charms. Gets to the register. No money because the Bunny’s got no pockets. He works a bicycle delivery job. A religious cult thinks he’s the embodiment of pure evil. Old women slap him for no reason. While making a delivery he mistakenly walks into a basement room filled with other guys in bunny costumes and then he immediately turns and leaves. It’s a weird world out there, and the Bunny is our gateway to seeing it.

6. Eric Young

 photo 8ball10226_zpse2ae3342.jpg

Adventure Time kicked open the door for those looking to do a cartoony style and Eric Young lends himself to a more trippy interpretation. Even when he’s playing things serious, he’s clearly not working with a full deck. Plus, as we all know from South Park, Canadians are drawn differently. Young could be perfect for a gonzo comic, something like Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers meets Bone. Hairy little guy running around in a speedo? That’s comic book gold.

5. Smooth Sailin Ashley Remington

 photo 8ball10225_zpsxlk3gesq.gif

The entire Chikara roster essentially is a comic book, but the company hasn’t yet found a breakout star in the comics space. The Colony Xtreme Force would be fabulous with Arctic Rescue Ant, Orbit Adventure Ant and Missile Assault Ant. That’s an action comic waiting to happen. Yet the Xtreme Force remains a heel faction despite the fact that they theoretically do awesome stuff. Orbit adventure? Ants in space? Man, that sells itself. Anyway, “Smooth Sailing” Ashley Remington is a gentleman playboy for the new millennium. His gimmick is everyone loves him – women, men, dogs, presumably fish. Remington yachting around, romancing the ladies and running into intrigue would make for endless fun.

4. Andre the Giant

 photo 8ball10224_zps37d69132.jpg

First off, if you haven’t seen Box Brown’s Andre the Giant: Life and Legend graphic novel (pictured above), it’s worth checking out. Second, just because Andre Roussimoff is dead doesn’t mean Andre the Giant has to be dead too. Some people become quasi-religious figures: El Santo, Rocket Richard, Pocket Hercules. Andre is one of them. Certainly the ever-present OBEY image helps with that. If anyone ever was bigger than life, it’s Andre. Maybe Andre was a titan who walked among us for a while and has now gone back to a more clandestine existence. Maybe Andre’s in space. Maybe when truly good people desperately need protection from evil then can pray to Andre for assistance and he delivers it. The world needs more Andre and comics are the best way to make that happen.

3. Ricochet

 photo 8ball10223_zpsbfe85cbd.jpg

No, not the one from Mucha Lucha. I’m talking about the Ricochet who’s been winning everything in sight this year: New Japan’s Best of the Super Juniors tournament, PWG’s Battle of Los Angeles, Dragon Gate’s Open the Brave Gate Championship, DGUSA’s Open the Freedom Gate Championship, Lucha Underground’s belt (under his Prince Puma alias). The world can’t get enough Ricochet these days. He’s ridiculously fun in the ring, bounces around like he was made of vulcanized rubber. If ever there was a wrestler who was designed to fight urban crime, Daredevil-style, it’s Ricochet. He’s practically purpose-built to come flying off of fire escapes and go leapfrogging over dumpsters in order to lay out a cadre of thugs.

2. Rey Mysterio

 photo 8ball10222_zpsfe04e1ac.jpg

I’d argue that Rey Mysterio is the most interesting man in wrestling at the moment. He desperately wants out of the WWE and they won’t let him go. He’s going to Lucha Underground tapings, essentially daring the WWE to can him. What’s a man whose life has been declared intellectual property by a mega corporation to do? Start up a comic where he wanders like Caine in Kung Fu. Try as they might, the gears of corporate America can’t dictate to the King of Mystery. Maybe he can’t get in the ring, but pen and ink could set him free.

1. AJ Lee

 photo 8ball10221_zpsnxx9lrpu.gif

Statement of fact: AJ is beloved by comics geeks. She’s choice #1 whenever the WWE needs to send someone to a comic con, especially since her husband went into wrestling hibernation earlier this year. Other statement of fact: her current character is a sort of modified Hit Girl (tiny, but she kicks a lot of ass). She skips around, havoc ensues. Instead of some comic-by-the-numbers garbage with John Cena as the main character, why not push the envelope with an AJ book where she gets unleashed like a little ball of hate? The Attitude Era was built around anti-heroes and AJ is an absolute, ready-made anti-hero. As a female she automatically qualifies for “trapped in a world she never made” status. She’s a deadly venom waiting to cut through the bullshit and stupidity of the modern world.

I take requests.. The purpose of this column is to look forward. What could be? What should be? What is and what should never be? What would make more sense? 411 has plenty of columns that count down and rank things that happened in the past. This is not one of those columns. The Magic 8-Ball is here to gaze into the future. If there’s someone or something you think should be given the 8-Ball treatment, mention it in the comments section. I might pick it up for future weeks.